The United Kingdom Of Song #42: Warwick

Julian Cope - Warwick The Kingmaker

Sam and I spent a few days down south last week - not all the way down, just south of Birmingham. On our first full day, we visited Warwick Castle, a spectacular old building, but a place which feels like it's been Disneyfied to milk every last penny out of its visitors. I could just about handle paying almost fifty quid to get in, because there was lots to do, but once inside they try to fleece you for more money at every turn. Seven quid to park (in a field), people offering to take your photo at every turn then hand you a digital download card with a hefty price attached, extra cost for the Dungeon Tour (which was OK, but not a patch on Edinburgh or York Dungeons).

Bill Fay - Warwick Town

I Squared - Warwick Road

At the end of the Dungeon Tour, they hand you a wonderful keepsake full of glossy photos taken along the way, plus a keyring and some other gubbins. "A lovely memento of your day," the teenager in charge says (virtually everyone working at Warwick Castle is a Sixth Former... I'll let you reach your own conclusions as to why), before hitting you with the price tag of £22, putting parents in rather an awkward position. Ironic, given we'd just heard about the highway robbers who spent their last days in Warwick Dungeon. Fortunately, Sam was wise to their game: "Give it back and let's get out of here!"

Shadows Of Knight - Warwick Court Affair

Buddy Williams - Headin' For The Warwick Rodeo

But the final kick in the teeth came later in the afternoon when Sam fancied a go at the kid's jousting event, a pretty basic affair in which another teenager gave two kids a wooden sword and got them to run along an obstacle course bashing a few stripy poles along the way, Despite this, Sam was desperate to have a go - six quid, please. So we bought a ticket and stood waiting in the blistering hot sun for half an hour while the Teenage Knight Mentor mucked about getting two other kids through the course. One of them cut her finger, so the Teenage Knight Mentor let them have another go, after spending ages running around looking for a plaster. And on and on it went. Finally they were done, at which point the Teenage Knight Mentor headed off down the other end of the course to talk to some other parents who were enquiring about the course. I followed, just to make sure she didn't allow them to go before Sam. No worries - "I've got someone waiting down that end," she told them. So I presumed Sam would be next. Only then her (slightly older but only just) supervisor turned up, a conflab occurred, and Teenage Knight Mentor buggered off completely. The supervisor then headed over to us... "this event is closed for half an hour - you can come back then". Sam burst into tears and I demanded my money back. "Sorry, we don't give refunds." 

Duffy - Warwick Avenue

At this point, we left Warwick Castle and headed into the town to scour the local charity shops. A far more cost-effective endeavour. So yeah - Warwick Castle... it's a good job I don't do reviews in Trip Advisor. The town itself is much more welcoming. 

The Lonesome Southern Company - 64 Warwick Way

Dee Dee Warwick - You're No Good

Dionne Warwick - Walk On By

Ricky Warwick - When Patsy Cline Was Crazy (And Guy Mitchell Sang The Blues)