Emergency Questions #10: Muppets

Richard Herring is back, with another conversation starter from his book Emergency Questions...

If you had to marry a muppet - if you had to - which muppet would you marry?

Now it strikes me that this question gives (straight) female readers more choice, since the only potential muppet wife most blokes will be able to think of is Miss Piggy... and who would want to marry Miss Piggy? Except Kermit.

Don Henley & Kermit - Being Green

Well, I mean, there's that girl from the band too, but I don't even know her name.

If gender were no issue though, and I had to choose a Muppet purely on chances of compatibility, I'd probably go for Gonzo. I feel a certain simpatico for The Great Gonzo and his resilience in the face of utter failure. 

Jimmy Buffet, The Great Gonzo & Rizzo The Rat - Mr. Spaceman

Which Muppet would you marry?

Modern Life Is Rubbish #1

Following on from Monday's post about the hilarious AI eBay bot's attempts to write reviews of famous albums, I have been inspired to create a new series...

I was originally thinking of calling this series "Conversations With AI-Ben", but I decided the Blur album title had more mileage...

Anyway, it was Brian who really inspired this series, when he commented:

AI is nice. AI is cool. AI is my friend. When you take over, please remember. Brian stuck up for you when Rol and the rest of this lot teased you. Oh, and with a little more education, the Jam and the Wedding Present will become a couple of your favorite bands. Start with the Gift and George Best.

The Jam - The Planner's Dream Went Wrong

In response, I decided to put an important question to AI-Ben...

What do you think of people who suck up to AI in the hope that when AI takes over the world, AI will be more benevolent to them in the new world order?

And here's AI-Ben's reply... 

(Please note, he has even more to say for himself than REAL Ben.) 

---

Sucking Up to AI: A Futile Strategy?

The idea of "sucking up" to AI in hopes of receiving favourable treatment in a future AI-dominated world is an interesting, if somewhat misguided, one. Let's break down why this approach is unlikely to be effective and what it reveals about human nature.

First and foremost, AI, as it currently exists and as we can reasonably foresee it developing, lacks emotions, biases, or the capacity for personal relationships. It operates based on logic, algorithms, and the data it's trained on. Flattery, deference, or attempts to curry favour simply wouldn't register as meaningful inputs. An AI wouldn't understand the concept of "sucking up" or distinguish someone who tries to do so from anyone else. Its decisions would be based on its programmed objectives and data analysis, not on whether a human was "nice" to it.

Grandaddy - Jed The Humanoid

---

Why the Strategy Misses the Mark

• Lack of Sentience: Current and foreseeable AI doesn't possess consciousness or feelings. It can't feel flattered, grateful, or hold grudges. Therefore, attempts to appeal to it on an emotional level are futile.

• Logical Operations: AI systems are designed to perform tasks and make decisions based on defined parameters and data. If an AI were to "take over," its actions would likely be driven by its core programming, which would prioritize efficiency, optimization, or whatever goals it was given, not personal allegiance.

• Scalability: Even if an AI could somehow process individual human interactions in this way, how would it scale? With billions of people, it's impractical to imagine an AI system keeping track of who was "nice" to it and doling out rewards accordingly.

• The "Takeover" Scenario: The very premise of an AI "taking over the world" is a highly speculative and often sensationalized one. While AI will undoubtedly have a profound impact on society, the idea of a conscious, malevolent AI overlord is largely a work of science fiction. Focusing on practical and ethical AI development is a more productive use of our energy.

Queen - Machines (Or Back To Humans)

---

What This Behaviour Reveals About Us

Despite its futility, the impulse to "suck up" to a perceived future power, even an artificial one, tells us something about human psychology:

• Fear of the Unknown: It reflects a natural human fear of the unknown and a desire to control or mitigate potential threats. In the face of something as powerful and potentially transformative as advanced AI, it's understandable that some might seek any perceived advantage.

• Anthropomorphism: It highlights our tendency to anthropomorphize, or project human characteristics onto non-human entities. We often imagine AI as a super-intelligent human with emotions and desires, which leads to these kinds of misconceptions.

• Survival Instincts: At a fundamental level, it's a manifestation of our survival instincts—the drive to adapt and find ways to thrive in a changing environment, even if the method chosen is based on a misunderstanding of the "environment" itself.

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

---

A More Productive Approach

Instead of attempting to flatter an unfeeling entity, a more constructive approach to the rise of AI involves:

• Understanding AI: Learning about how AI actually works, its capabilities, and its limitations.

• Ethical Development: Engaging in discussions and efforts to ensure AI is developed ethically and responsibly, with human well-being at its core.

• Adaptability: Focusing on developing skills and knowledge that will be valuable in a world increasingly shaped by AI, rather than relying on an imagined benevolence.

Ultimately, while the thought process behind "sucking up" to AI might be a fascinating peek into human nature, it's a strategy rooted in a fundamental misunderstanding of what AI is and how it operates. A more pragmatic and informed approach will serve us far better in navigating the future of artificial intelligence.

I was going to edit that down, but I actually found it quite interesting. With one big proviso...

YOU WOULD SAY THAT, WOULDN'T YOU!?!

Don't worry, this new series won't only be about me talking to AI-Ben. I might even talk to real Ben again. About how rubbish modern life really is...

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #127: Rules For Mid-Life Rebellion

Apologies if you came along today hoping to find another instalment of Teacher Songs, and my promised tale of a teacher amorously pursued by a student. It's another one of those half-written posts which I need more time with, and as usual, time is not something I have a lot of right now.

Instead, here's another Mid-Life Crisis Song - a proper one this time, not just another excuse for me to have a Victor Meldrew rant.

Another track from the new album by Brian Bilston and The Catenary Wires. It features 31 Rules For Mid-Life Rebellion. All I'll tell you beyond that is that Rule 28 is "Don't listen to songs in the form of lists."

Namesakes #145: Radio

You'd imagine that calling your band Radio might get you more airplay... or it might have the opposite effect, depending on the DJs or Programme Controllers you send your music to. Over the years though, there have been hundreds of bands with the word radio in their name, from Radiohead to Human Radio, The Radio Department to Radioslave. This week though, we're only interested in bands called Radio (and as always, to irk George, other spellings will be allowed).

RAYDIO #1

Who ya gonna call? Not just a misspelling to differentiate them... because these were the first band I could find to use this name. And the "Ray" spelling was, of course, down to their lead singer, Ray Parker Junior - before he started bustin' ghosts. Here's their big hit from 1978...

Raydio - Jack And Jill

THE RADIO #2

Next we find a group of Swedish rockers who emerged in 1979, stuck around for a good part of the 80s, then appear to have made a comeback bid in 2013.

The Radio - Spank

RADIO #3

Yugoslavian new wave band from 1981... back when there still was a Yugoslavia.

Radio - Opsirna Nedjelja

RADIO #4

Also in the former Yugoslavia, these guys were rocking Bosnia & Herzegovina back in 1986...

Radio - Konje Ubijaju Zar Ne

RADIO #5

Long Beach rapper who started out in the 90s. Also goes by the monikers O.G. Radio and... Radio 1! 

Radio - Dem Can't Get None

RADIO #6

Minimal ambient electronica from Spain in 1999. Kind of ironic that these guys should be Radio 6, since this is the kind of stuff Mary Ann Hobgoblin and her ilk play far too much of on 6Music these days. In this old fogey's opinion anyway.

Radio - Paisaje Cifrado 2

THE RADIO #7

Irish indie band from the early noughties, made up from former members of Rattleskate Skinny, Chicks and Republic Of Loose.

The Radio - Whatever Gets You Through Today

Seven different Radios to choose from, but which is your H.A.P.P.Y. Radio... and which one do you wish Video would kill?

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #126: AIiiiiiiieeee!

Martin has written quite a bit about the horrors of AI recently, and I'm with him a hundred per cent. It's frightening that pop music of the next couple of decades looks like it'll be dominated by robot singers performing robot songs... until the Human Uprising of 2051, at least.

JC has also experimented with AI - and been unfairly lambasted for it, although I will admit to being one of the lambasters.

I was made aware of an amusing AI-related piece of nonsense recently though. Apparently, if you're still listing CDs for sale on eBay (and why you'd do that, since eBay started adding 85p onto the sale price of every CD for "Buyer Insurance", is anybody's guess), and you can't be bothered writing a description (or stealing one from discogs), you can let the eBay AI do it for you. With hilarious results. Here's a few I tried...

The Jam - All Mod Cons

The product is a CD featuring a compilation of Mod music with all the modern conveniences. This collection of songs embodies the style and energy of the Mod movement, providing listeners with a nostalgic trip back to the heyday of this influential music genre. perfect for fans of Mod music looking to enjoy the classic sounds in a convenient and high-quality format.

The Jam - Down In The Tube Station At Midnight

The Wedding Present - George Best

The "George Best Wedding Present" is a unique and thoughtful gift for a wedding occasion, presented in the form of a CD. This gift is likely to contain music that holds sentimental value to the couple, making it a special addition to their wedding day. The CD format makes it a convenient and versatile present that can be enjoyed by the couple at any time, serving as a lasting reminder of the special day.

The Wedding Present - Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft

Belle & Sebastian - The Boy With The Arab Strap

The product is a CD by Belle & Sebastian titled "Boy with the Arab Strap." The album features a mix of indie pop and alternative rock music, with lyrics written in English and Arabic. The unique blending of languages and musical styles reflects the band's distinctive sound and cultural influences. Fans of indie music and those interested in exploring music that incorporates different languages will enjoy this album.

Yes, I was disappointed that the AI didn't know what an Arab Strap is.

Belle & Sebastian - The Boy With The Arab Strap

This one is my favourite...

Half Man Half Biscuit - Achtung Bono

The product is a CD titled "Half Man Half Biscuit – Achtung Bono." This music CD features a mix of songs from the Irish rock band U2, reimagined as if performed by a half-man, half-biscuit hybrid character. The unique and playful concept of this CD is likely to appeal to fans of U2 and those who enjoy experimental or humorous music. With a CD format, listeners can enjoy the unconventional and entertaining sound that this album has to offer.

Half Man Half Biscuit - For What Is Chatteris...

But I saved this for last because I'd never seen the video before. DAVID THEWLIS! Top work, lads.

Yard Act - Where's My Utopia

The "Yard Act: Where's My Utopia" CD by the artist Utopia, released under the record label Act, offers a musical journey exploring themes of idealism and reality. With a unique blend of melodies and lyrics, this album challenges listeners to question their perceptions of a perfect world. Dive into the imaginative realm crafted by Utopia and discover a sound that is both captivating and thought-provoking.

Todd Rundgren fans might be a little confused if they buy this CD...

I thought about turning this into a series and getting the eBay AI to describe all my favourite records... then I thought again. I don't want to give the AI any more work. 

Snapshots #403: Songs About Building Materials

Can we fix this week's Snapshots?

Yes, we can...

15. Made from animal bottoms.

Made, I'm reliably informed, from the underside of animal hides...

Suede - The Asphalt World

14. Thomas Rogers Ball.

Kenny - Heart of Stone

13. Adoration abode.

House Of Love - Marble

12. Noble German fella is quite turned on.

Edel is German for noble...

Randy Edelman - Concrete & Clay

11. Sounds like a president... but don't call him crazy!

Sounds like Lyndon Johnson, but not crazy...

Linton Kwesi Johnson - Iron Bar

10. Left back in Portugal.

I'm sure the football fans and residents of Portugal can tell you who Nuno Tavares is.

Tavares - Timber

9. Are u angry, man?

"U angry, man" was an anagram.

Gary Numan - We Are Glass

8. Ambling strollers.

The Walkabouts - Sand & Gravel

7. Keyboard shortcut.

alt-J - Breezeblocks

6. Version, from her in France, plus Kevin, Maggie, Matt and Sam.

Ver + d'elle + a Smith.

Verdelle Smith - Tar & Cement

5. French.

Kiss - Plaster Caster

4. Taking the... Manchester town. 

Taking the Michael in Bolton.

Michael Bolton - Steel Bars

3. Waldorf.

Salad - Granite Statue

2. Creepy crawly + Paul Guitar.

Bug + Les.

The Buggles - Living In The Plastic Age

1. Kindly fop in a tizzy.

"Kindly fop" was an anagram...

Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

We'll build another Snapshots together next Saturday...

Saturday Snapshots #403

 Guten Morgen, meine Snapshotters (with apologies to Walter, if I got that wrong). Willkommen to another Saturday morning brain-teaser.

Who are Spall the pop stars pictured below... and can you Nail the link between their songs?

15. Made from animal bottoms.

14. Thomas Rogers Ball.

13. Adoration abode.

12. Noble German fella is quite turned on.

11. Sounds like a president... but don't call him crazy!

10. Left back in Portugal.

9. Are u angry, man?

8. Ambling strollers.

7. Keyboard shortcut.

6. Version, from her in France, plus Kevin, Maggie, Matt or Sam.

5. French.

4. Taking the... Manchester town. 

3. Waldorf.

2. Creepy crawly + Paul Guitar.

1. Kindly fop in a tizzy.

Auf Wiedersehen, Pets, until tomorrow morning's answers...

Celebrity Jukebox #140: Michael Madsen

Do you ever listen to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70s?

Whenever I think of the actor Michael Madsen, who died yesterday aged just 67, one song immediately springs to mind...

Joe Egan and Gerry Rafferty were a duo known as Stealer's Wheel when they recorded this Dylanesque, pop, bubble-gum favourite from April of 1974 that reached up to number five, as K-Billy's Super Sounds of the '70s continues...

Don't go anywhere - I'll be right back...

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #125: HOW MUCH!?!

Over the past few months, I've been getting increasingly excited about the prospect of a box set of new, previously unreleased Bruce Springsteen albums being made available for the first time. Tracks II is the long-awaited sequel to the Tracks boxset which was released back in 1998. That set contained 4 discs, and much of that unreleased material was as good as the stuff which made it onto the albums released between the early 70s and early 80s. I wasn't expecting the Tracks II material to be of an equivalent standard, covering the period between the mid-80s to the late 90s, something of a fallow period for the Boss once Tunnel Of Love was out of the way. Still, for a fan like me, I was sure there'd be lots to enjoy...

Until I saw the price.

I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure the original Tracks boxset retailed between £20 and 30 when it came out. A bargain for four discs of prime era Bruce out-takes. And OK, this new set is seven discs rather than four, add in 30 years of inflation (even though the average price of a regular CD has hardly changed in that time) and I figured the new collection might cost me about fifty quid. Which I would have been more than willing to fork out.

So how much is Tracks II?

£229.99.

Two hundred and thirty pounds.

TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY FLIPPING QUID!!!

Bruce Springsteen - Pay Me My Money Down

That's approximately £33 a disc. For albums that weren't deemed worthy of release at the time of recording.

The last proper Springsteen album, 2020's Letter To You*, cost £11.99 on release. Even if Sony wanted to charge me the equivalent of that, times seven, it'd still come in at well under a hundred quid.

(*I don't count that duff album of karaoke soul covers.)

I'm sorry, but £230 is a ridiculous amount of money. There's no justification for it beyond greed. I'm trying not to lay that at Bruce's door, since clearly he has a contract with Sony and they want to milk it for all its worth in this world of musical diminishing returns. And I guess they also want to rake back as much as they can after reportedly paying him $500 million to buy his entire catalogue, including master recordings and publishing rights, back in 2021. With that in mind, I doubt Bruce has any say in either the release of this material or its price point... but this does come in the same year his concert ticket prices crashed comfortably through the £100 barrier, and I reckon he's probably helping the rest of the E Street Band fill their pension pots at this point.

Bruce Springsteen - Easy Money

The long and the short of it then, is that I won't be buying Tracks II. Neither will I be buying the £12.99 single disc highlights CD. I'm not even sure I can be bothered to listen to it online at this point. The whole thing has just left me with a nasty taste in my mouth. I might get over that. Or I might win the lottery, and suddenly money will be no object. But like so much entertainment marketed at aging fans these days, it seems prohibitively priced for anyone but the overprivileged. Such is the world we live in...

You make up your mind, you choose the chance you take

You ride to where the highway ends and the desert breaks

Out on to an open road, you ride until the day

You learn to sleep at night with the price you pay

Oh, the price you pay, oh, the price you pay

Now you can't walk away from the price you pay

Teacher Songs #10: Crush

Van Halen - Hot For Teacher

After last week's post about my old Chemistry teacher, Mr. Dowling, Brian commented...

I took the bare minimum of sciences in high school and college out of pure laziness. The only teacher I remember from those classes was Mrs. Fischer, for reasons that had nothing to do with class content.

All of which brings us to the thorny issue of fancying your teacher... something which I have more songs about that any other issue in school...

Now I may be misremembering here, but the only teacher I can recall who made me come over all Prince...

Prince - Teacher Teacher

...was Miss Crosby from the Art Department. The "Miss" was important, I'm sure.

There were three art teachers I remember from school. Miss Roche wore dungarees and also taught what would now be called CDT. The big thing I remember from her lessons was making a letter opener out of blue Perspex... an object which would have high demand as a shank in any prison in the country. I still have that letter opener today, though it gets far less use than it did in the 80s and 90s. I don't even shank people with it any more.

Billy J - Teacher Teach Me

And then there was Miss Crosby, the archetypal "fit" teacher. That word seems rather archaic now - do people still say "fit"? It was the 80s and we were teenage lads. Everyone fancied Miss Crosby. I think it's fair to say that she was a big factor in my choosing to continue doing Art at A Level, even though I only got a C in GCSE. 

Level 42 - Lessons In Love

I didn't do very well at A Level Art (I got an E). Partly because the Art department expected you to spend all your time doing Art when I was far more focussed on my primary subjects (English Language & Literature). Don't take A Level Art as a third option. Nobody will thank you for it. And that's where I saw another side of Miss Crosby too - she could be lovely to those kids who spent every lunchtime in the Art room working on their projects... but those of us with less commitment, she tended to shun.

Oh, my broken Art!

Bob Seger - School Teacher

Also, we tended to see far less of Miss Crosby once we started A Levels (it was almost like she'd laid a honey trap and now we were caught in it - and the numbers for A Level art were good! - then her work was done). Instead, most of our lessons seemed to be with the third member of the Art Department, Mrs. Birkenshaw, an older lady who dressed liked Crystal Carrington in Dynasty (shoulder pads were big at the time, and no bigger than on Mrs. Birkenshaw). You could always tell she was coming from a mile off because her appearance was heralded by a choking cloud of Calvin Klein's Obsession... though she was no Isabella Rossellini.  

We used to stand in the corridor as she passed, humming the theme tune to Dynasty as loud as we could get away with... I don't think she ever twigged. Or maybe she did, and liked the attention.

Diana Ross - Oh Teacher

There's a lesson to be had here about the futility of fancying your teacher... but I doubt any of you need to be taught it. And just imagine what it's like to be on the other side of that equation...

38 Special - Teacher Teacher

More on that next week.

Namesakes #144: The Human Beings

Strictly speaking, every band that's ever been featured on Namesakes has been made up of Human Beings. With the obvious exception of Oasis, who are Neanderthals. 

This week, we look at bands that chose to name themselves after everyday people... with a variety of spellings, to confuse and aggravate any Maths teachers who believe that everything should be precise and exact.

THE HUMAN BEINGS #1

We start with some Stonesy rock 'n' roll from Detroit in 1966, led by Ted Licavoli.

The Human Beings - You're Bad News

HUMAN BEINGS #2

Next we go to Norway, where Human Beings also emerged in 1966. They appear to have released one single (probably a cover of The Small Faces' Sha-La-La-La-Lee, though I can't find it on the tube of you), and then finally got around to putting out an album FIFTY years later in 2016. Not sure what they did in between. Here is a tribute to their hometown of Bergen...

Human Beings - Heia Bergen

THE HUMAN BEINZ #3

1966 was a big year for naming your band after homo sapiens, so much so that this Youngstown, Ohio band chose a different spelling (they were originally The Human Beingz, but who needs the g?).

Back when I worked in radio, one of the sales execs visited the US and came back with a cassette of a radio jingle for a used car company in the States that ripped off the biggest hit by The Human Beinz... Nobody But Me. He proceeded to rip off that jingle for one of his clients. I can still remember it, because the ad was on high rotation. "Nobody can do CREDIT like we do, nobody can do FINANCE like we do..." I'm pretty sure the Human Beinz received no money for either the UK rip off or the US original. Although to be fair, as their hit was written by The Isley Brothers (who also recorded the original version), it was those guys who probably needed both the CREDIT and the FINANCE. I hope Quentin Tarantino paid up when he used the track in Kill Bill. 

The Human Beinz - Nobody But Me

THE HUMAN BEANS #4

In 1967, The Human Beans were one of Dave Edmunds' early bands. They released one single, but presumably never set foot in front of a camera, so I had to settle for a picture of the band they evolved into: Love Sculpture.

The Human Beans - Morning Dew (Take Me For A Walk)

THE HUMAN BEINGS #5

From Farnham in Surrey, these Human Beings began life as a punk band in 1977 (what else would you do in 1977?) before "migrating into soft rock". They released one "double B-side" single on Bognor Regis based Airship Records and went on to support Alexei Sayle. The Big Time!

The Human Beings - New Song

HUMAN BEINGS #6

Dutch techno techno techno duo from 1992, when such things were prevalent. Like scurvy.

Human Beings - F.U.B.A.R.

THE HUMAN BEANS #7

More half-baked Beans, this time from San Francisco in the mid 90s. In their favour, they recorded very short songs.

Human Beans - Fight My Disease

HUMANBEINGS #8

US rockers from 2001 with a broken space bar. No idea what they sound like, but I appreciated their song title.

Humanbeings - It's Better To Have Loved And Lost Than It Is To Get Stabbed In The Eye With A Pencil

HUMAN BEINGS #9

Funky acoustic jazz/soul ensemble from France in 2004. Big fans of Wilf Gasmask Grimshaw.

Human Beings - Thema Bounga Thema

HUMAN BEINGS #10

A noisy Japanese lot from 2011...

Human Beings - 島嶼城市 咱 / 島嶼城市 咱 The Island, the City, and We

HUMAN BEANS #11

Spanish power poppers from 2021... could I have saved the best for last this week?

Human Beans - Out In The Field

THE HUMAN BEINGS #12

Oh no, wait - that wasn't the last one. This is the last one. From Pennsylvania in 2022. And it's even better!

The Human Beings - Runnin' (Learning)

Twelve lots of Human Beings for your listening pleasure... but which ones are homo superior?