This is Chubby Checker. In 2013, he was forced to sue a leading IT company for promoting an app that used his name as a euphemism for measuring the size of one's manhood. The app was withdrawn.
Here are 15 songs that could well be euphemisms for nookie.
15. Danced for Patrick Hernandez.
Before she became famous, she was a backing singer and dancer for the French disco star.
If you've never seen the video before, I urge you to give it a click. These days, we're so used to seeing pop stars singing about sex... but these guys look so wholesome, surely they were waiting till they were married?
13. Dustbin Wagon Americano.
Dustin Wagons are made by Dennis. An Americano is a coffee.
After last week's post about my old Chemistry teacher, Mr. Dowling, Brian commented...
I took the bare minimum of sciences in high school and college out of pure laziness. The only teacher I remember from those classes was Mrs. Fischer, for reasons that had nothing to do with class content.
All of which brings us to the thorny issue of fancying your teacher... something which I have more songs about that any other issue in school...
Now I may be misremembering here, but the only teacher I can recall who made me come over all Prince...
...was Miss Crosby from the Art Department. The "Miss" was important, I'm sure.
There were three art teachers I remember from school. Miss Roche wore dungarees and also taught what would now be called CDT. The big thing I remember from her lessons was making a letter opener out of blue Perspex... an object which would have high demand as a shank in any prison in the country. I still have that letter opener today, though it gets far less use than it did in the 80s and 90s. I don't even shank people with it any more.
And then there was Miss Crosby, the archetypal "fit" teacher. That word seems rather archaic now - do people still say "fit"? It was the 80s and we were teenage lads. Everyone fancied Miss Crosby. I think it's fair to say that she was a big factor in my choosing to continue doing Art at A Level, even though I only got a C in GCSE.
I didn't do very well at A Level Art (I got an E). Partly because the Art department expected you to spend all your time doing Art when I was far more focussed on my primary subjects (English Language & Literature). Don't take A Level Art as a third option. Nobody will thank you for it. And that's where I saw another side of Miss Crosby too - she could be lovely to those kids who spent every lunchtime in the Art room working on their projects... but those of us with less commitment, she tended to shun.
Also, we tended to see far less of Miss Crosby once we started A Levels (it was almost like she'd laid a honey trap and now we were caught in it - and the numbers for A Level art were good! - then her work was done). Instead, most of our lessons seemed to be with the third member of the Art Department, Mrs. Birkenshaw, an older lady who dressed liked Crystal Carrington in Dynasty (shoulder pads were big at the time, and no bigger than on Mrs. Birkenshaw). You could always tell she was coming from a mile off because her appearance was heralded by a choking cloud of Calvin Klein's Obsession... though she was no Isabella Rossellini.
We used to stand in the corridor as she passed, humming the theme tune to Dynasty as loud as we could get away with... I don't think she ever twigged. Or maybe she did, and liked the attention.
There's a lesson to be had here about the futility of fancying your teacher... but I doubt any of you need to be taught it. And just imagine what it's like to be on the other side of that equation...
4. Don't make her... You wouldn't like her when she's...
Fans of the old Incredible Hulk TV show will recall that Bill Bixby frequently told investigative reporter Jack McGee: "Mr. McGee, don't make me Ann Lee... you wouldn't like me when I'm Ann Lee."
I will confess that I had never heard of Ann Lee before compiling this list. However, I was short on ladies this week and Ann did get to #2 in the charts in 1999 with the two times tune above.
3. That sunshine's a scorcher, Superman.
Donovan sang about a Sunshine Superman. Jason, as seen above (at #15, if not in the photo) was a Scorcher.
Another one of those Jason Donovan songs that me and my mate Richard used to sing along to on the school bus when we were 16. Richard was a big fan of the Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths. I liked Springsteen and Huey Lewis. We would have told you we were just being ironic. But were we really?
2. Living in Portugal, DuBois.
Our resident Maths teacher lives in Portugal. Benson Dubois.
Somedays won't end ever And somedays pass on be I'll be working here forever, At least until I die, dammed if you do, dammed if you don't I'm supposed to get a raise week, you know damn well I won't.
Up every morning just to keep a job I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob Sounds of the city pounding in my brain While another day goes down the drain
Have to catch an early train, got to be to work by nine And if I had an aeroplane, I still couldn't make it on time 'Cause it takes me so long just to figure out what I'm gonna wear Blame it on the train, but the boss is already there
You got me forced to crack my lids in two I'm still stuck inside this rubber room I gotta punch the clock that leads the blind I'm just another gear in the assembly line
3. A beautiful French hive.
In French, their name means beautiful hive. (According to Google Translate, anyway. Ernie may tell us different.)
So here's a lazy idea for a new series, in which I dig back into the archives of my previous blog and mine it for content, thereby allowing myself to make sarcastic commentary on my younger self, with new tunes. Let's start by looking back at the first blog post I ever wrote...
I used to think blogging was pointless. I'm starting to think it'll soon be essential. I'm not sure that's a good thing, but it may be unavoidable.
For my first post, I considered a huge essay on how the Internet might be a champion of the individual, leading us gloriously forwards to a true democracy of opinion... or it might be the beginning of a collective loss of identity and privacy, a hive mind that eventually erases the individual altogether.
But I'm not smart enough to write that essay, especially when far more incisive social commentators have been there already. In her book, 'Tomorrow's People', Professor Susan Greenfield suggests:
"In brief, the notion of an independent individual, with a private life and a unique portfolio of thoughts, knowledge and opinions, is finished."
The future scares me. "Maybe the Unabomber had a point." But we can't go back now.
Ironically, I reckon I joined the blogoverse just as it had ceased to be essential, and the tastemakers were already starting to move on. I couldn't see that at the time. Maybe my arrival was the first nail in the coffin...
I don't know where I got that quote from, as I don't recall reading that book. Maybe I did. I read a lot more books 18 years ago. Of course, that quote seems all the more apt - and eerily prescient - looking back at it now. I'd like to claim some kind of foresight there, but as usual, I was just regurgitating what I'd read elsewhere, with added jokes.
The more things change, the more they stay the same...
At which point, I could have linked to this... but I figured you might prefer...
In his excellent book Listen, Michel Faber asks many important questions about why we like the music we like. Here are just three...
At what age do kids start getting doctrinaire about music, and anxious about the social esteem and reproof that society attaches to various stylistic allegiances?
At what age do kids start to be dishonest about what they like and envious of others' taste?
I've written many times about how I swam against the tide when I was younger, taking an active dislike to songs many of my peers cherished. I even ran an unfinished series called Songs I Hated When I Was A Kid, which included records by The Smiths, Madness and The Pet Shop Boys, all artists I've since come to cherish.
For a child to love the Pussycat Dolls when all of her pals don't love them anymore requires almost superhuman self-confidence - especially since self-confidence tends to arise from doing stuff which inspires the approval of others. By contrast, the social rewards for pledging allegiance to the latest thing that everyone likes are instant and plentiful.
I'm not writing all this to champion my younger self as a free-thinking rebels with superhuman self-confidence... since clearly I was none of those things. I was probably just stubborn, contrary, and responding to neural pathways that had been formed by an early diet of Radio 2 and Reader's Digest box sets. My tastes changed as I got older... but I also became more aware of how other people judged them, to the point of apologising profusely for liking uncool things, something I've never quite got over.
Below you'll find an excerpt from one of those APAs I found in my mum's attic. This was written in the early 90s, a list of my 100 favourite songs sometime in my early 20s. Many of them won't surprise longtime readers of this blog, especially those of you who shake their head in despair at some of my trad-rock and Dad-rock faves...
That said, I'd stand by much of the Top Ten to this day. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to list my ten favourite songs, I'd be remiss if I didn't include The Power of Love, This Old Heart Of Mine, Thunder Road and There Is A Light. The other six might not make my Top Ten, but they'd still be hanging around in the Top 50. In the rest of the list you'll notice strong showings from the usual suspects: Bruce, Costello, Morrissey & The Smiths, Billy Joel, Jim & Meat... although the song choices occasionally surprise me (Souls of the Departed? Sleeping With The Television On?) here and elsewhere (of all the Stones songs I might have picked, I'm mystified by my choice of Fool To Cry). God knows how Eric Clapton got in there though.
Beyond that, there are some interesting choices, many of which have more to do with records I was listening to / discovering at the time rather than seriously considering a long term bet. I'd obviously recently bought Suzanne Vega's 99.9°F album and Bob Seger's The Fire Inside. A lot of the choices feel like Greatest Hits fodder (Bo' Rap, Hotel California and American Pie will no doubt cause much consternation among the cognoscenti), although a couple of the deep cuts show a shift away from obvious radio fare (the solitary REM choice is about the only moment where I can claim any degree of cool).
I'm quite disturbed by the lack of female artists - apart from Suzanne, who was clearly a current fave, all I can see is Kirsty (singing a Billy Bragg song), Patti Smith (Springsteen) and Bonnie Tyler (Steinman). I can put that down to the male dominance of rock music back in the day, but still I'm disappointed not to see any Blondie or Kate Bush or even one of my crushes like Belinda or Wendy... hell, I'd even settle for Carol Decker to balance out the testosterone.
There are other huge gaps on show - all the indie and Britpop bands came later (and the 80s stuff I discovered through the gateway drug of The Smiths), but there's hardly any Motown or soul (especially The Supremes, one of my first loves). My country roots are showing in a couple of places, but not as much as I might have expected. This is clearly prior to me coming to terms with the greatest song ever written...
Even back then though, I was aware of the need to apologise for my taste in music to anyone cooler who might have been reading. Some things never change...
36 comments and counting from last week, as I begin to type this up. To be fair though, most of them were from George, who doesn't even like this series. Here's his first suggestion...
John Lennon had a really truly awful single in the mid 70s called Number nine dream. Don't include that in your list.
I've got to say, I'm with George on that though: that is bloody awful. Don't watch the video either, unless you want to catch Yoko Ono in leather hotpants. I'm sorry, but I'm siding with Paul on this one.
At least the REM version doesn't have Yoko in it. Or her hotpants.
Whenever I heard the name Meat Puppets, I expect them to be some kind of industrial metal / goth band... not a million miles from Nine Inch Nails. I never fail to be amazed by how they actually sound.
Now much as I like the idea of torturing George, I'm afraid I have to agree with him again on this. Which makes twice in the same week. I am now officially worried for my mental health.
And the perfect lyrical opener for next weeks column... says Rigid Digit.
Trust me, I listened to the opening lyrics... and I couldn't make head or tail of them.
Welcome back, my friends
To the show that never ends
We're so glad you could attend
Come inside! Come inside
Really? Is that what he was singing? Why can't he enunciate? He was so much nicer when he was singing about Father Christmas.
Speaking of properly enunciating: back to The Swede's list...
I think this was The Swede's last suggestion this week. I don't think I missed any out...
The Studio One Band - Nine Pence
Can't find that last one anywhere on t'internet, but I'm sure it's a belter. It's got to be better than John Lennon and ELP anyway. Eh, George? Go on, old pal, it's you and me against the world this week. What else have you got for me?
Of course it does... just listen to that intro too! Blimey. Makes me want to do high kicks. I've got half a mind to let you take over this feature, George.
Yes, Revolution 9 is a perfect example of why the Beatles had to split up. Weird, really, since the same title (minus the 9) produced one of my all time favourite Beatles songs.
Wow, Rol, your Hot 100s are getting longer and longer, says C. I suspect this trend is set to continue for a few more weeks...
What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger, C. As we're all supposed to be discovering at the moment. I'll go with 'Nine Plan Failed' by Adam & The Ants from his arty Dirk Wears White Sox days.
That's a good one! says Lynchie. And it is too. I've been listening to quite a bit of Dave Alvin lately - his voice is a great comfort. But I didn't know that one, so thank you.
Marie (can't link to you this week, Marie, your blog has disappeared again) sided with George on the Nine Pound Hammer, also suggesting this version...
This post reminds me of one of the most epic of epic Chain posts over at Jez's place.
One of my inspirations.
Talking of The Chain he used to have a Worst Record of the Week award so I'm going to nominate song Nine Million Bicycles by Katie Melua. She has a sweet voice and looks stunning but those Mike Batt lyrics drove me mad and I wrote about them over at my place.
Alyson then goes on to explain in detail her issue with this song, but she forbids me from reposting it here (even though it might have helped me beat Jez's record for longest blog post ever). You can read her cutting analysis here though.
Then Lynchie joined in with his own analysis of the Beijing bikes issue:
Fair point about those alleged 9 million bicycles in Beijing, Alyson. As you suggest - it was closer to 9 and a half million back in 2005 when the Katie Melua song was released. But, bicycle use in Beijing has dropped from about 60 percent in 1986 to 17 percent in 2010. At the same time, car use has grown 15 percent a year for the last ten years. (Note - these statistics come from a study of cycling in Beijing conducted by Jinhua Zhao, an urban planning professor at the University of British Columbia. You can find more about the De-Bikification of Beijing here.
I have to admit, I quite like that song though, despite all your objections. My biggest problem is with the video - she's going to ruin that lovely jacket. What a shame.
I bet George is a big Katie Melua fan too. Speaking of George, here's one final suggestion from my new co-writer this week...
With all the suggestions above, I hesitate to add to your sifting burden frivolously. But I have always tried to inject a small Canadian element to your rundown, and though Bryan Adams has been listed already, I feel Canada deserves a more fair and balanced representation than just that one...song. So my musings have turned up a short 1 minute exuberant little ditty I hope you will accept, "Song Nein", by Gunnarola. Its lyrics, though nonsensical, are certainly no moreso than "Song 2" by Blur, which surely must feature prominently in a few weeks time. My favourite lyric is the line "Ich habe Sauerkraut in meinen Lederhosen!" And before you look at the Teutonic spelling in the title and cry "Nyet!", I suggest he certainly intends at least a pun on the Nummer Neun, as indeed it comes in its due and proper sequence following numbers einz and zwei all the way through to seven and eight. For those interested, Gunnarola is a young Youtube artist from London (not of course in England, wherein the Queen lives, but London, Ontario, a gritty industrial town a couple hours west of where I live). He reached his pinnacle of popularity in 2009 with his song "Canadian, Please", which elicited 5 million views for its saucy lyrics extolling the virtues of life in Canada.
I think it's fair to say Mike Nesmith has a more respectable post-Monkees career than either Lennon or McCartney, post-Beatles. Ooh, little bit of controversy there.
That's rather lovely too. But I had to hold off on spending any more money for the moment.
I'm going to miss this series.
Well, that makes one of us, Brian. I do have an idea for what'll replace it though. Hopefully something that doesn't offer up quite so many potential songs every week...
And finally this week, it's over to Jim in Dubai...
Not much left this week but here's what i can add.
Y'know what, Jim? When you suggested that, I shuddered slightly. Then I listened to it again and... bloody hell, you're right. I'd forgotten what a fine pop song that was.
However, I have to hand it to The Swede again this week, for being the first to suggest what he called "surely a massive contender". Because, yes, it was.
Even before The Temptations start singing, this was the winner...
