I manage one of these Top Tens about every three years (although this one is slightly late). I collect them as I go along and when I've got enough for a Top Ten, I unleash them on the world.
In previous volumes, folks have entertained themselves by seeing how many they can get from the lines alone before clicking on the links to see if they're right. That might be a little harder this time...
Yes, I'm using the same picture I did yesterday. Because I'm too lazy to change it, and because sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude, in Los Angeles. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. Here's this week's answers...
10. Cat sits on white wine.
Cats sit on mats. As readers of the Oi, Frog! books will know.
I started watching the new series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks on Sky because I'm a fan of Greg Davies and I watched the original, Mark Lamarr & Phil Jupitus version back in the day, before it all went a bit nasty. Plus, as you will know, I like a good pop quiz.
Except.
Bloody hell.
If you've not watched it yet, and yet you have a strange desire to feel very, very old and out of touch, then please give it a go. Even if it's only to see if you recognise any of the "famous" pop star guests or to see if you can answer any of the questions on chart music of the last 20 years. They do occasionally mention Elton John, or even Morrissey (because, let's face it: fish in a barrel), but the final straw came last week when one of the "famous" pop star guests admitted to having no idea who Keith Richards is. I'm only sticking with it because I've heard Shaun Ryder and Bez are going to appear in one episode, and they're always good value (I'll never forget Ghost Hunting With The Happy Mondays)... after that, I'm going to slip a nice warm blanket over my knees, mix up a Horlicks, and go look for the 90s repeats on Dave.
I've never run guest posts on this blog before - in fact, I've actively resisted them in the past, preferring to keep this place as my own personal record.
So why change that now?
Well, sometimes the opportunities present themselves and they're too good to resist. Which is why I already have three weeks' worth of Guest Posts, all because of a couple of half-joking comments I left here and elsewhere.
Our first guest poster is JC, The Vinyl Villain. Now I've guested over a JC's place on a number of occasions, being a semi-regular contributor to his Imaginary Compilation Album series. But I never for the life of me expected him to return the favour. So you can imagine how shocked and awed I was when the post below landed in my in-box as the result of a flippant bon mot I left him last week.
I've been blogging for coming up on 14 years now. My Top Ten started in 2012, but prior to that my original blog, Sunset Over Slawit, had been running for almost six years until I packed it in. When I started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing. Sunset Over Slawit wasn't a music blog - it was all over the place, so I was rather surprised when I ended up with readers from elsewhere in the blogosphere (rather than people I'd known beforehand and invited to drop in). One of the first "professional" bloggers who began to leave comments was JC, and it was probably his original Vinyl Villain blog which steered my own blogging increasingly towards talking about music... and, I guess, led me to carry on with My Top Ten once I'd packed in all the other aspects of blogging that were beginning to bore me.
So it's a great honour that he would find the time to write me a Top Ten (the irony being that I rarely get time to write those things myself these days, and that was the very raison d'etre of this blog in the first place!) Take it away, JC...
THE VINYL VILLAIN'S TOP TEN HAIRCUT SONGS
I've been long amazed at Rol's ability to come up with these lists, especially now that I've got the task currently of compiling a list of 5 songs for a column called 'Music for Our Times' which appears in a digital version of a weekly publication by my favourite football team, Raith Rovers. The publication is designed to keep our small but dedicated fanbase informed of developments at the club during the extended lockdown - my column tries to bring a bit of fun and is related to the fact that I'm the matchday announcer at the club, responsible for selecting and playing the pre-match and half-time tunes.
A couple of weeks back I mentioned that a quick glance across any form of social media will demonstrate that the burning issue of the day for many a person is hair. Barbers and hairdressers have been closed since the lockdown began. Blokes have two options - letting their hair get to a length not seen since the 70s glam rock era or taking the risk of asking a household member to run riot with a set of clippers. I've taken the first option, to the extent that I now look as if I'm an extra in Starsky & Hutch - and with the fashion sense to match.
If anything, it's even worse for women given that a regular trip to the salon tends to form an essential part of social engagement with a friend or confidante, as well as the opportunity to change the natural colour of their hair. Mathematicians are still trying to come up with an accurate formula for doing the calculation, but the number of blondes in the UK over the past two and bit months has dropped by at least 66%.
I offered up five suitable songs, which I'm now doubling in size in the hope it's of use to Rol.
The first line of the chorus of a single by Goldblade, a punk band from Manchester. Lead singer John Robb's hairstyle of choice over the past three decades has been the mohican. He still wears it well, even at the age of 59. Worth also mentioning that the two remixes on the CD single come courtesy of Black Box Recorder, with Sarah Nixey's sultry delivery of 'Why Don't You Rub It In My Face' being every bit as filthy as it sounds.
Nope, I have no idea what the meaning is of the opening lines of this typically bonkers number by the Cardiff-based indie-rockers. But that won't stop me dedicating it to female fans of the Fife Flyers (the ice-hockey team who are based in the town of Kirkcaldy, which is also where Raith Rovers FC are based - a lot of folk in the town follow the fortunes of both sides).
The Goon Sax are one of the most wonderful indie-pop acts to emerge in recent years. The trio's debut album, Up to Anything, was full of great, quirky and memorable tunes that were accompanied by lyrics which focussed on the most important songs facing the modern-era teenager such as the shame of being on the wrong end of a bad haircut. It must be the only song in existence which manages to namecheck Shane Warne, Roger McGuinn and Edwyn Collins, all of whose haircuts are much desired.
"I whip my hair back and forth" (repeat about a thousand times)
Bit of a cheat this one as it's nothing to do with haircuts as such. This #2 smash hit single by Willow Smith back in 2010 is an anthem celebrating being young and carefree, which is kind of impossible to be just now under the lockdown restrictions. All my articles for the club publication really have to include at least one song that folk will have heard of!
The on-line urban dictionary states that a devil's haircut can be anything that makes someone feel bad, depressed, stressed out, or indeed any sort of mental or physical anguish. As such, COVID-19 = a devil's haircut.
One of the joys of going to an old fashioned barbershop is the likelihood of some old music/sport/lifestyle magazines lying around that you can read while waiting your turn to be shorn. If you happened to come across the NME from 3 May 2007, you would find that this song was listed as Number 28 in a list of the 50 Greatest Indie Anthems Ever.
OK, it's not technically about a haircut, but I'm guessing that Shawn Ryder's dad, who was the subject matter of the lyric, had got himself a very dodgy perm in the mid-late 70s. Have a look at a photograph of the Scotland World Cup squad of 1978 for an illustration - it was very briefly the fashion and it looked ridiculous.
Number six on the top and don't cut it wack, Jack"
The b-side to the vinyl release of the single Sure Shot back in 1994 but later included on the bonus disc of Ill Communication when it was reissued in 2009. It's not a hip-hop or rap number, instead harking back to the hardcore, superfast and noisy stuff that the Beastie Boys were doing when they first formed.
The re-opening of salons still seems to be a few weeks away. This one goes out to everyone, male or female, who is suffering and possibly even going into hiding for fear of anyone seeing that the colour on top of their head is not natural.
This closed off the original article in the football publication and I dedicated it Ian Davidson, who it could be said is a cut-price version of the famous basketball player, Dennis Rodman, in that throughout his career he has taken to the field with all sorts of strange haircuts and colourings, never caring one ounce what stick he would take from his teammates, opponents or fans on the terraces and in the stands. Indeed, he seemed to encourage it...
So, there you have it. Ten songs associated with haircuts. And, just in case you were wondering, a handful of tunes by Scissors Sisters narrowly missed the cut for inclusion.
Without gushing any further, I'll just say thank you to JC for providing this blog with its first ever guest post. And if you enjoyed that, you'll be glad to know he'll be back in two weeks' time with ANOTHER top ten. Truly I am blessed. Here's one that would have fit quite nicely in the list above... Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin' But that's not all, because next week we have ANOTHER guest contributor. I'll keep their identity as a surprise for now, but regular readers will be very familiar with my attempts to get this particular contributor to join the blogging world. In the meantime, as I seem to have cracked open this particular Pandora's Box... if anyone else fancies trying their hand at a Top Ten... or a Mid-Life Crisis post... or any of the other long-running features this blog squanders so jubilantly... well, you know where I am. The door is now open...
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the excellent Fallover 24, with their superb tune, Pessimistic Man. What finer tune could there be to issue in another bumper edition of our countdown?
Bumper being the operative word, let's crack on with your suggestions and see if anyone guessed my "obvious" 24...
First out of the gates this week was Charity Chic, certain that he'd backed the odds on favourite...
I'll save everyone the bother this week as there can only be one winner.
It may please you all to know that they were the first three on my list. Which isn't in any order other the order I think of them or find them on my hard drive.
Jim in Dubai also reminded us of the Yachts' cover of 24 Hours From Tulsa, which featured on this blog just a few weeks back.
Martin then returned to point out that there are "shed load of different songs called "24 Hours", so take your pick from (amongst others)..."
Jim also suggested the band at the top of the page, and Twenty 4 Seven - I Can't Stand It which brings back the true horror of the charts in my teenage years. Thanks for that, Jim. I haven't slept for a week.
Now, last week, those of you who were paying attention will have notice a new rule which was imposed upon this quiz as we get nearer #1. A new rule which will henceforth be known as "The Lime Green Rule"...
Oh, one final thing. Unless they're amazing suggestions, I'm going to stop allowing lyrical 24s (and so on) as we get nearer number one. Let's face it, there are way too many. So you'll have to be really persuasive if you want to sell me on a lyrical reference from now on. Sorry.
First to fall foul of this rule was Lynchie (who did later realise his mistake) when he suggested...
'Cause for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice
The thing is, I really like this song. However, it has been forever tarnished in my mind by the band re-recording it with Roy Chubby Brown as (Who The Fuck Is) Alice? Which is right up there in my mind with Lindisfarne's Fog On The Tyne featuring Gazza. I'm not linking to either of those debacles though, no matter how much it upsets George, who appears to be a fan.
George did redeem himself with his next idea though...
Someone else who ignored the Lime Green rule was Rigid Digit, but fortunately both his real suggestions have featured previously back in week #36, so go find them there. In desperation he adds...
...or, how anything by Status Quo - lifted from 12 Gold Bars Vol I and Vol II
(2 lots of 12 are 24 - is that the sound of a barrel being scraped?)
Definitely. However, just to keep you and Jez happy...
Next up was Douglas, limiting his own suggestions this week...
Firstly, Lana Del Rey's song "24" is actually quite lovely in her fragile sad kind of way. I know there is a lot of feeling that she went off the rails after the stellar Born to Die album, with her quest for fame and newfound penchant for explicit lyrics, but this one is back to form, I think. Sounds a bit like she's auditioning for a Bond film end-credits theme.
That one wasn't. But at least it's from the Syd era.
And I know it breaks your No lyrics" rule but sure the "Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...I wanna be sedated" lyric is so iconic and so close to being in the title that an exception could be made...?
That was also on the list. But not the winner, as Douglas himself guessed.
I feel these are getting less and less "obvious", though some are decent enough songs. But what is left? I think we are all going on strike if it turns out to be the awful Bruno Mars song I came across in my digging that I won't even mention by name...
I had no idea of the track Douglas was referring to, so I had to go investigate.
All of which leads us back to Nigel Blackwell, who's having a bit of trouble down at the 24 Hour Garage. (Presumably this was soon after visiting Argos to record this: Half Man Half Biscuit - £24.99 from Argos.)
Take it away, Nige... start doing what you can to wind up that guy behind the counter!
I’ll have ten Kit Kats and a motoring atlas
Ten Kit Kats and a motoring atlas
And a blues CD on the Hallmark label
– that’s sure to be good
Far fewer 23s to choose from, but the Lime Green Rule still applies. Let's see what you can come up with...
Thank you for Stayin' Alive long enough to come back and check out the answers to yesterday's Saturday Snapshots. Here's hoping You Win Again, without any Tragedy.
Lynchie just took the prize this week, with Rigid Digit failing to nail a draw by not working out the Happy Mondays song. If in doubt, go for the obvious one! Chris and Charity Chic shared out the rest of the points, although CC needed a little prompting.
Enough of my Jive Talkin'...
10. Lost kangaroo perplexes one-handed table tennis rulers.
Wishing to dodge the shame of spotting this one, Rigid Digit revealed he'd seen them on an old TOTP repeat the night before. Alyson, ashamed to have not spotted them, replied, "I thought to myself, the only band I can think of with a long curly-haired female singer is T’Pau but it’s not a picture of Carol Decker. I was wrong!"
It did take me a while to find a photo of T'Pau where Carol Decker was not immediately recognisable. Then again, not everybody had quite the same teenage interest in that lady that I did.
4. Queasy, dizzy, teary... how much does the honeymaker charge to get across the river?
C wondered, "Is no. 4 the lovely Bee Bridgetoll with 'Pre-menstrual'? Sorry... but it should be, I'm sure it'd be great."
It would be great, though if that were an actual song, I'd have been more likely to go with a clue about stabbing your other half with a bread-knife because they'd slightly burnt the toast. Not that I'm talking from personal experience or anything.
With an extra clue about this lady also working in a Community Centre, Charity Chic was able to solve this one.
What's the bee's fee? To take you across the bridge?
It's only 1 minute 17 seconds long, but sometimes that's all Tom needs.
Well, I pulled on trouble's
braids
And I hid in the briars out by the quickmud
Stayin' away from the main roads
Passin' out wolf tickets,
downwind from the bloodhounds
David Shah's original band, Luxembourg, should have been massive. So should his next band, The Melting Ice Caps. He's an undiscovered indie genius as far as I'm concerned - the bastard son of Jarvis Cocker and David Gedge. Or something like that.
I want your close-cropped hair I want your pale blue eyes
And I want your soft hands
And your handsome thighs I want your gormless grin
Your regional accent
And I want your cracked lips
And I want your snake hips
And I want it right now
Bangs are basically what we in the UK would call a floppy fringe.
Bangs
To drape across your forehead
To swing concordant angles as you incline your head
And although I like you anyway, check out your haircut
A proscenium to stage a face that needs no makeup
I was going to say that this must surely be the only pop song in the world to feature the word 'proscenium'... then I found at least five more. Go figure...
A not particularly complementary tribute to the much-maligned mullet - according to Gruff Rhys, you've sunk to the lowest of the low if you stoop to asking advice off a woman with Ice Hockey Hair. Or Bono.
For other famous mullets in rock songs, see Army in which Ben Folds grows a moustache and a mullet and gets a job at Chic-Filet when his band split up then reform without him. And then there's Mullet Head by the Beastie Boys: 'nuff said. And finally, of course, there's the peerless National Shite Day by Half Man Half Biscuit, in which we get...
There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets...
The story behind Dreadlock Holiday casts this oddball 70s Number One in an interesting light. The song's based on the experiences of 10CC's Eric Stewart and The Moody Blues' Justin Hayward when on holiday in Barbados (although the lyrics change that to Jamaica). In an attempt to talk themselves out of a) getting robbed and b) a dodgy drugs transaction, they explain to the locals harrassing them how much they like cricket and reggae. They don't just like it: they love it!
CVB's David Lowery claims he has no idea why this song was a hit, and that the lyrics are utter nonsense with no hidden meaning. Which is pretty frustrating, because I was certain I knew what it was all about. Drat. Still, it's from an album called Telephone Free Landslide Victory, which should have tipped me off.
TTSB was famously featured in Michael Moore's movie Bowling For Columbine and has also been well-covered by the likes of the Manics and Teenage Fanclub. 1. Morrissey - Suedehead
Why do you come here? And why do you hang around?
Morrissey's debut solo single, and still one of his best. Much was made at the time that it charted higher than any Smiths single, and while Morrissey solo won't ever match his former band, it's interesting to note that he's had far more success as a solo artist, and a career that's lasted almost five times as long.
The video is gloriously dated though, beginning with Moz reclining in a bubble bath in his swanky Chelsea apartment (complete with There Is A Light... bathmat and the complete works of Byron) before a local urchin arrives to invite him to Fairmont, Indiana to visit the place where James Dean died. Once there, Moz stalks the snowy streets dressed like Chris Lowe from the Pet Shop Boys, graffitis his name in the local school, drives a tractor (see above) and plays the bongo for a herd of cows before camping out for the night on Dean's gravestone. If you've never seen it before, look up "hilarious bollocks" in the dictionary. All of which has nothing to do with the song OR the suedehead subculture, but it's still a winner.
A lost classic indie-dance crossover from the 90s. I think Norman Cook might have had something to do with it, but I can't find anything online to confirm that.
Probably the darkest record Prince ever recorded, his bleakly funny piss-take of violent and misogynist gangster rap, from the legendary Black Album. The live version on youtube doesn't really do the track justice, but this being Prince, you won't find the album version there.
1. Bruce Springsteen - Bobby Jean
Back in the 80s, at the height of his success, Bruce had a big falling out with his best friend, Steve Van Zandt (star of The Sopranos and the excellent Lilyhammer). Many believe this song was about their break-up. (They're friends again now, and Stevie's back with the E Street Band.)
Now you hung with me when all the others turned away, turned up their nose We liked the same music, we liked the same bands, we liked the same clothes We told each other that we were the wildest, the wildest things we'd ever seen Now I wished you would have told me, I wished I could have talked to you Just to say goodbye, Bobby Jean
