Guest Post Thursday #9: Top Ten “Mary Magdalene” Songs

If this is published it must mean that no-one else wants to write for Rol. So the poor bloke has three choices: (1) accept more drivel from me, (2) not post anything leaving Thursday blank (just as Len Shackleton did in the chapter of his autobiography devoted to football directors’ knowledge of football), or (3) write something himself.

I am titling this My Top Ten “Mary Magdalene” Songs. My partner informed me that my belief about Mary Magdalene is incorrect, so I am rather scurrilously repeating, well, implying, a falsehood. Anyway, maybe after this Top Ten you will be able work out what they all have in common.

1. Iron Maiden - Charlotte The Harlot

First, from the only album I’ve ever had autographed by a member of the band. Actually, that’s not true, the one I got signed, I then swapped with my friend Euan. He wanted that signature. He was more into his Metal For Muthas thing than I was, I think I just got caught up in the hysteria in I&N’s record shop in Dundee and bought the album. I’ve just pulled the album out, next to Iron Butterfly, and it’s signed by the author (Dave Murray) of the song

2. O.C. Smith - The Son of Hickory Holler's Tramp

Some songs have a very off-putting title. For me the title suggests some sort of crappy nursery rhyme song. Well, once I got beyond the (idiotic) title, I discovered a great soul song, when sung by O. C. Smith.

It’s also a country song, in the hands of, amongst others Sanford Clark.

3. Queen - Killer Queen

I bought this single in Woolies in Broughty Ferry, after a visit to the dentist (whose surgery was literally across the road). About 27 years later I bought the album, which I’ve played no more than 5 times, I suspect three times, and the third was due to this article.

(I've played it enough for both of us. - Rol.)

4. David Bowie - Cracked Actor         

I was thinking of including the version from David Live, but on hearing again I’ve changed my mind.

5. Morrissey - Piccadilly Palare

I had no idea what this song was about before my brief research for this piece. No idea what the second word of the title meant. I do now.

(How bona to vada, George. - Rol.)

6. PJ Harvey - The Whore's Hustle & The Hustler's Whore

On reading the lyrics to this one I suspect it’s an off-topic song.

(Like that's ever stopped me. - Rol.) 

7. The Velvet Underground - There She Goes Again

Lou Reed sneers his way through song very effectively. It’s a bit too realistically delivered.

8. Tubeway Army - Our Friends Electric

And from an album that easily meets that fine category of Second Is Better Than First. I got it for £1. And that was £1 better spent than on the atrocious Pictures At An Exhibition. It was a great song in 1979 and it still sounds great

(I had no idea what this song was actually about. - Rol.)

9. Jethro Tull - Cross-Eyed Mary

And where would a Top Ten list be without The Tull. Every collection should have one of their albums. From a concept album about the distinction between religion and god. They just don’t make records like this anymore. Well, they do, Big Big Train (fronted by a lovely bloke, ex-colleague of mine) are into prog. concept albums in a big big way.

10. Status Quo - Mystery Song

Best ‘til last. It’s the only song of The Quo’s I like. And I really like this. In some places I believe it’s illegal to not play this loudly.

The allegedly hardest boy in my  year group in secondary school was a big Quo fan. So he scratched the band name on a desk. Well, he actually scratched Status Que. We (i.e. my group of friends) were too scared of him to take the piss to his face.

 And here’s Mary Magdalene in action!

(That's the second time George has inflicted Jesus Christ, Superstar on us. I blame Charity Chic for this.)

Songs that came close were two offerings by Elton John. When he was good, namely Island Girl and Sweet Painted Ladies. I also considered Trick Of The Light by The Who, which came very close to replacing Morrissey. And NO! Nothing by The Police, it’s a terrible song.

(When George asked me about doing this Top Ten, I encourage him to take the piss out of Sting more than that, Then again, Sting does a good enough job of that himself, I guess. And these guys do an even better job... right down to the cod-reggae.)

Thanks to Rol for posting this. I suppose you all know what the theme was, but I did not want to use any risque words for those of you doing what you should be doing, i.e. reading this at work. And now I’m feeling slightly foolish as song number 6 blows that out of the water.

I'd like to thank George for another excellent contribution to Guest Post Thursday. I actually thought I'd done a Top Ten Prostitute Songs at some point in the past, but it must have been one of those I never got round to finishing. George did an excellent job on what could be our last Guest Post Thursday...

...unless you say differently.

Saturday Snapshots #30 - The Answers

"We're going out tonight - out and about tonight..."

Yes, I actually went out on a Saturday night... whatever makes her happy, as Brett sang. So all I expected to provide you with this Sunday morning were the pre-prepared answers, no scores. Then you only went and hoovered up all the points in a three horse race that took under an hour - a record! Congrats to Rigid Digit, Martin and Lynchie... who just pipped the other two to the trophy by one point. Thanks also to Chris for mopping up the stray half point a bit later.

Commiserations to Brian, who stayed out late with the hope of sweeping in to get an early victory. Hope you had a nice night out before that, Brian!

Answers then...


10. In the days before mobile phones, these neanderthals ruled the airwaves.

Pretty self-explanatory, this one... if you remember it.

Primitive Radio Gods - Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand

(There's a metaphor for life!)

9. Where Iraqi animals go when they want to get away from astronauts.

Remember this guy? Kinda wish you didn't?

Babylon Zoo - Spaceman

8. Morrissey winds up in Orange County, screaming from a walnut tree at hobos.

My favourite clue of the week... I'm sure you can piece it together now.

O.C. Smith - Son of Hickory Holler's Tramp

7. Late in Thailand, Bill's face gets lost in translation.

Bill Murray was in Lost In Translation. His face is on his head.

Murray Head - One Night In Bankok

I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine...

6. Affleck puts this on his drive... he adores being in the line of fire.

(Once seen: never unseen.)

Ben Affleck puts Ben-A-Tar on his drive.

Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield

5. Sly John gets a staple through his navel.

Sly John would be full of guile.

J. Geils Band - Centrefold

4. Scared of trouble? Leg it with a stooge.

You would leg it on your pins... with Iggy.

PINS featuring Iggy Pop - Aggrophobe

3. A lock of white hair fills your passport.

I really thought CC would get this one - but he wasn't even close!

Hank Snow - I've Been Everywhere

2. Smoking weed leads to high esteem.

A reefer? Too easy.

Aretha Franklin - Respect

1. Are you aware that's going to burn your mouth?

Do you realise this is the Flaming Lips?

I'd like this played at my funeral, please. Video too. On a huge screen. Provide hymn sheets so everyone can sing along.



More next week...

My Top Ten Prostitute Songs

Inspired by this idiot in Solihull, a Top Ten that might get me sued for breaching the Sale of Goods Act... if I had the nerve to charge for it.

There are, of course, thousands of songs about the oldest profession. I compiled a pretty extensive list, then whittled it down to these ten... though I'm sure I forgot more than I remembered...


10. Tina Turner - Private Dancer

Written by Mark Knopfler, Tina's voice gives this a real sense of pathos, for all its eighties sheen. The video's utter bollocks though.

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names
You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

9. Iron Maiden - Charlotte The Harlot

A typically restrained, some might say poignantly tragic, character study...

Taking so many men to your room, don't you feel no remorse?
You charge them a fiver, it's only for starters.
And ten for the main course.
And you've got no feelings, they died long ago.
Don't you care who you let in?
And don't you know you're breaking the law with the service you're giving?

Oh, and some moral finger-wagging too. Lovely. 

8. Hall & Oates - Family Man

Lots of prostitution going on in the eighties, obviously. This one, written and originally recorded by Mike Oldfield, sees Daryl Hall tempted despite being a married man while John Oates has to pay extra to get anyone to snog his Bobby Ball 'tache. The video is like all your worst nightmares of 1983 rolled into six minutes of hell, filmed on Queen's discarded set for I Want To Break Free. Then it goes all David Lynch...

7. Nick Cave - Jubilee Street

From the latest Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds record, Push The Sky Away, though it's grubby enough to be a Grinderman offcut. Beware: the full, uncensored video is NSFW, featuring, as it does, gratuitous shots of Ray Winstone in nothing but his pants (plus assorted lady-bits).

The problem was she had a little black book
And my name was written on every page
A girl's got to make ends meet even on Jubilee Street

6. Bruce Springsteen - Candy's Room

One of my favourite songs from Darkness On The Edge Of Town, though I have to confess my ignorance regarding the subject matter despite belting out the lyrics full blast as young man...

Strangers from the city, 
Call my baby's number and bring her toys,
When I come knocking, she smiles pretty, 
She knows I wanna be Candy's boy,
There's a sadness hidden in that pretty face, 
A sadness all her own, 
From which no man can keep Candy safe.

5. O.C. Smith - The Son of Hickory Holler's Tramp

How do you feel when your mum's a prostitute?

Oh, you know, the path was deep and wide
From footsteps leading to our cabin
Above the door there burned a scarlet lamp
And late at night a hand would knock
And there would stand a stranger
Yes, I'm the son of Hickory Hollers tramp

Proud, if she only did it to keep food on the table...

When Momma sacrificed her pride
The neighbours started talking
But we were much too young
To understand the things they said
All we really cared about
Was Mommas chicken dumplings
And a goodnight kiss
Before we went to bed

4. Morrissey - Picadilly Palare

Of course, it's not just women who turn to prostitution when times get desperate. Here, Mozzer goes off the rails again and ends up plying an ancient trade round Earl's Court while learning the slang that keeps his business a mystery to strangers. Bona to vada!

See also Rent by The Pet Shop Boys in which Neil Tennant has to chauffeur Margi Clarke while Chris Lowe wanders around Kings Cross looking shifty in black and white. But it's OK, it's not about male prostitution at all, Margi and Chris are in love... (Who reckons the record company forced that ending on them?)

3. The Police - Roxanne

Possibly the most famously po-faced, cod-reggae pop song ever written about prostitution... I do still love it. Not that I can take it seriously anymore, largely because of this:

2. Flight of the Conchords - You Don't Have To Be A Prostitute

Poor Jemaine. His pants are too tight, he can't afford cab fair home, he just can't see his way out...

The streets are cruel, 
He tries to act cool, 
He goes to work with only his one tool 
You can put away your tool, Jemaine...

You don't have to be, a prostitute 
No no no no no 
You can say no, to being a man hoe 
A male gigolo
You don't have to be, a prostitute
No no no no no
You can say no to being a night looker, boy hooker, rent boy, bro, hoe

1. Elvis Costello - Love For Sale

Written by Cole Porter in 1930 for the musical The New Yorkers, though I was unaware of that when I first heard Elvis's cover as a teenager. Despite discovering many other fine recordings of the song since, this will always be my favourite.

When the only sound in the empty street,
Is the heavy tread of the heavy feet
That belong to a lonesome cop
I open shop.
When the moon so long has been gazing down
On the wayward ways of this wayward town.
That her smile becomes a smirk,
I go to work.
Love for sale,
Appetising young love for sale.
Love that's fresh and still unspoiled,
Love that's only slightly soiled,
Love for sale.

Heartbreaking.



So... which one makes you want to put on your red light?