The United Kingdom Of Song #45: Northumberland

Our family holiday this year took us to Northumberland, a place I haven't been since I was a teenager when my parents took me to Seahouses on what would be our last family holiday together. I wasn't all that impressed, and after that I chose to stay home with my sister when they went away. Suffice it to say that Seahouses holds more appeal to a fifty-something... though fortunately there was enough to keep Sam entertained to. How long before he no longer wants to go on holiday with his parents.

When I lyric-searched Seahouses, I kept getting these guys... but no relation. 

The Seahorses - Blinded By The Sun

Although the song title at least is appropriate, thanks to us (for once) choosing the best week of the summer to be away... a little too hot for me on a couple of the days.

Jon Langford & The Bright Shiners - Seahouses

We stayed in Beadnell, a lovely quiet village just down the coast from Seahouses, and one that clearly means a lot to Geordie prog-folk bloke Richard Dawson...

She asks why we spend precious time
Crafting our sheaves by hand
When we could acquire all we need
From the bastle at Beadnell
Or one of the abundant caskets of parting cloud
Which every sundown
Float to ground on their dark balloons

Richard Dawson - The Tip Of An Arrow

Slow is the black dog in the sky
Who pisses and slobbers all over the world
From Belford to Wooler, to Beadnell and Ford
He slowly devours the land

Richard Dawson - Black Dog In The Sky

A little further up the coast and you arrive at the awesome site of Bamburgh Castle. Here's Richard to tell us a little more about that.

Richard Dawson - The Bamburgh Beast

And now a history lesson from Jack The Lad...

There was a king in Bamburgh
And a better king you could not find
He had no wife but children two
Fair Margaret and bold Childe Wynd

Jack The Lad - The Wurm

Although Jon Pertwee would be my choice...

Jon Pertwee And Tom Matthews - Pride Of Bamburgh

Now if you're wondering if the house at the top of the page was our holiday accommodation... sadly not. That's actually the former home of William Armstrong, the Tony Stark of Victorian England, a "scientist, inventor and philanthropist" who I suspect made most of his fortune from arms dealing. That house, Cragside, was once described as "truly the palace of a modern magician". It was probably the most impressive place we visited, though the ostentatious display of wealth left a sour taste too.

 On then to Alnwick, home of a far more wholesome magician. In the grounds of Alnwick Castle, we fought dragons and learned how to fly a broomstick just like Harry Potter and his chums. 

Blyth Power - Alnwick & Tyne

Martin Simpson - Lads Of Alnwick

One final treat came with a boat trip around the Farne Islands to visit some grey seals (sadly, the puffins had all left for their winter holidays). The lighthouse on the photo is the one where local legend Grace Darling made her dramatic rescue back in 1838...

The Strawbs - Grace Darling

Talkshow Boy - Grace Darling

Sadly, we didn't get as far as Lindisfarne on that trip... we're saving the Holy Island till our next visit.

Anyone who's ever made it across those steps
At Lindisfarne, that Lindisfarne
Where the tide comes in early and leaves us stranded
Without our family until the morning

James Blake - Mulholland

Lindisfarne - Meet Me On The Corner

Northumberland - definitely a place I'd like to visit again. But it's bye for now...

Snapshots #344: A Top Ten Songs For Tradespeople

Yesterday, we had a picture of Whoopi Goldberg at the top of the post. Today, it's Sean Connery. What do they have in common? Before they were famous, they both worked as bricklayers. Imagine living in a house that Whoopi or Sean built.

In celebration of the humble (but extremely well-paid in a lot of cases) tradespeople, here are ten songs than can build you a house and unblock your drains in one go...

10. Large blob and Scottish monster in abundant supply. 

A blob is a Splodge. The monster is from Loch Ness. Abounds means "in abundant supply".

Splodgenessabounds - I Fell in Love With a Female Plumber from Harlesden NW10

9. Tell her I love her before she changes direction suddenly.

Tell Laura I love her, before she veers off in another direction...

Laura Viers - Bricklayer

8. Did you ever listen to Porker Klan FM? The reception was terrible.

"Porker Klan FM" was a badly heard anagram...

Mark Knopfler - The Scaffolder's Wife

You can't build anything without scaffolding these days.

7. I Know Someone Who Knows Someone Who Knows Alan McGee Quite Well.

The clue is the title of an excellent song by the Pooh Sticks. But Alan McGee, of course, is the head of Creation Records...

The Creation - Painter Man

6. What you get if you spill bleach on your tortoise.

Blondshell - Joiner

5. Relatively pedestrian.

The Walker Brothers - The Electrician

4. I'm pretty sure the fare's too high for a looker like me. I'll take the bus instead.

I'm not getting in your Death Cab, I'm too Cute!

Death Cab For Cutie - Death Of An Interior Decorator

3. Gets lost inside inglenooks, encampments and portobellos.

Inglenooks, encampments and portobellos.

Any excuse, etc....

Glen Campbell - Wichita Lineman

2. Tymes woman meets crow counting man.

The Tymes sang about Ms. Grace. The Counting Crows sang about Mr. Jones.

Grace Jones - Demolition Man

1. Found in victims and blowhard intellectuals. 

Victims and blowhard intellectuals. 

Tim Hardin - If I Were A Carpenter

Oh, and if you need help with any of that, try this guy...

49th Parallel - Labourer

We'll be building more memories next Saturday...

Snapshots #301: A Top Ten Songs About Famous Wild West Heroes & Outlaws

Yesterday we had Butch Cassidy, today it's the Sundance Kid. See? Easy when you know how. And he's got a pair of those special binoculars with a camera inside. You ought to get a pair yourself. 

Here are ten songs I had to group together under the rather long-winded title of "Famous Wild West Heroes & Outlaws".

10. Big tents, like the moon.

The Marquees - Wyatt Earp

Featuring a very young Marvin Gaye, on a track co-written by Bo Diddley.

9. Sounds like you're a bit foggy about that invoice.

You must be in a bill haze.

Bill Hayes - The Ballad Of Davy Crockett

8. Tweedy lady and man in desperate circumstances.

Harris Tweed & Dire Straits.

Emmylou Harris & Mark Knopfler - Belle Starr

7. Where Ray Davies creates his Magnum. 

Ray Davies was a Kink. If he's creating something, it could be his Magnum Opus.

Opus Kink - Wild Bill

6. And I might still wear it in the afternoon.

My Morning Jacket - Butch Cassidy

5. Or is it on D-Day?

Doris Day - The Deadwood Stage (Calamity Jane)

4. Often bald.

The Eagles - Doolin' Dalton (The Wild Bunch)

3. A conk tingle.

Anagram!

Nat King Cole - The Ballad of Cat Ballou

2. Cotton-eyed in Cambridgeshire.

Cotton Eye Joe lives in Ely these days.

Joe Ely - Me & Billy The Kid

1. Singer found in comic hero.

Comic hero.

Cher - Just Like Jesse James

Tonight we're gonna go down in flames... but we'll be back next Saturday with more of the same.

The United Kingdom of Song #18: Gateshead

To the north east this week, on my lacklustre Friday filler feature, and Sidney Gateshead, on the opposite side of the Tyne to Newcastle... so I guess we're going "south of the river".

Famous sons & daughters of Gateshead include Brian Johnson, who started off in Geordie but ended up replacing the late Bon Scott in AC/DC, John Steel (drummer in the Animals), and Chris Wilkie from Dubstar.

The gentleman we'll be hearing from today though is commonly known as a Newcastle lad... though he was actually born in Glasgow. You may have an opinion on his former band, and if so, I'm not about to change your mind about that, am I? 80s prejudices are hard to shake.

Still. This is lovely though...

My Saturday job pays six and six down

A copy boy at the Chronicle

Five cigarettes and two silver half crowns

Meeting Vince at Mark Toney’s in town

Boy, do we get around

Basil sits there on the table for subs

But not a part of the Bri-nylon club

Ancient blue sweater, too old for the job

Bored out of his mind

With the Colins and Bobs

I’m a jack and a lad

And I’m up for the world

And I’ve kissed a Gateshead girl

My Top Ten 5am Songs

So there I was, just a few weeks back, complaining about having to get up at 6am. I should have remembered that in the summer, when the wood pigeon outside my bedroom window gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning, 6am is a lie in...

Here's ten bleary-eyed tunes to celebrate the light mornings.



10. Blur - Tracy Jacks

As with much of Parklife-era Blur, I loved Tracy Jacks at the time... but I find Damon's barking gets on my nerves these days. Still, for the good old days, it's worth pointing out that Tracy left home at 5 o'clock in the morning. And the bits where Damon sings rather than shouting are still quite nice.

From the same era (but aging slight better), I also offer Kenickie - 5 a.m.

9. The Village People - Five O'Clock In The Morning

In the early 80s, even The Village People had to accept that disco was dead. Their new wave change of direction (minus their signature costumes and camp) was greeted by derision (yeah, I know the idea of The Village People being treated with derision is hard to grasp) with one critic commenting the album was "simply an embarrassment that never should have seen the light of day." I've not heard the rest of the record, but I do like this song. Which only goes to prove that critics are... and I am... The video is brilliant.

8. Charlotte Gainsbourg - 5:55

You'd never guess that Charlotte was Serge and Jane's daughter. Not from watching this video, anyway. No siree. Maybe there was a mix-up on the maternity ward.

Sarcasm aside, you can pretty much imagine what she gets up to at 5:55. She's not doing the ironing.

Where do the French get their energy from? That's what I want to know.

7. Aphrodite's Child - Five O'Clock

Greek prog with Demis Roussos. I'll play this one for The Swede. Imagine A Whiter Shade Of Pale sung by the Go Compare man. And yet, I love it.

6. Mark Knopfler - 5.15 a.m.

Mark goes back to his Geordie roots. He will mostly be remembered as an axe-man. His lyrics deserve more attention.

The one armed bandit man Came north to fill his boots Came up from cockneyland
E-type jags and flashy suits Put your money in
Pull the levers Watch them spin Cash cows in all the pubs But he preferred the new nightclubs

5. Michelle Shocked - 5 am In Amsterdam

How does Michelle tell the time in the Netherlands? Listen to find out.

4. The Persuaders - A Thin Line Between Love & Hate

A soul classic which is also a hilarious tale of hell having no fury like a woman scorned. When he gets home at five, his lady is all sweetness and light, even offering to make him some toast. Cut to the next verse...

Here  am in the hospital
Bandaged from fee to head
In a state of shock
Just that much from being dead
Didn't think my woman would do something like this
Didn't think my girl had the nerve
Well, here I am
I guess actions speak louder than words...

Hitchcock would be happy with that twist.

3. Lily Allen - Who'd Have Known?

And this is why Lily Allen deserves to be mentioned in the same sentence as Kirsty MacColl.

My Top Ten: proud to have been irking the musos since before 2012.

2. Billy Bragg & Cara Tivey - She's Leaving Home

Apparently this was originally recorded by some obscure 60s combo: sadly I'm not enough of a muso to be familiar with their outfit and obviously their version couldn't have been as good as Billy and Cara's because it didn't even make the chart, unlike this smash hit Number One from 1988.

I'm sorry... Wet Wet Who?

1. Rialto - Monday Morning, 5.19

One of a clutch of classic Rialto singles from the Britpop era which has aged far better than Tracy Jacks. Heartbreaking too.




Which one sounds better than a 5am wood pigeon?

My Top Ten Prostitute Songs

Inspired by this idiot in Solihull, a Top Ten that might get me sued for breaching the Sale of Goods Act... if I had the nerve to charge for it.

There are, of course, thousands of songs about the oldest profession. I compiled a pretty extensive list, then whittled it down to these ten... though I'm sure I forgot more than I remembered...


10. Tina Turner - Private Dancer

Written by Mark Knopfler, Tina's voice gives this a real sense of pathos, for all its eighties sheen. The video's utter bollocks though.

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names
You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

9. Iron Maiden - Charlotte The Harlot

A typically restrained, some might say poignantly tragic, character study...

Taking so many men to your room, don't you feel no remorse?
You charge them a fiver, it's only for starters.
And ten for the main course.
And you've got no feelings, they died long ago.
Don't you care who you let in?
And don't you know you're breaking the law with the service you're giving?

Oh, and some moral finger-wagging too. Lovely. 

8. Hall & Oates - Family Man

Lots of prostitution going on in the eighties, obviously. This one, written and originally recorded by Mike Oldfield, sees Daryl Hall tempted despite being a married man while John Oates has to pay extra to get anyone to snog his Bobby Ball 'tache. The video is like all your worst nightmares of 1983 rolled into six minutes of hell, filmed on Queen's discarded set for I Want To Break Free. Then it goes all David Lynch...

7. Nick Cave - Jubilee Street

From the latest Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds record, Push The Sky Away, though it's grubby enough to be a Grinderman offcut. Beware: the full, uncensored video is NSFW, featuring, as it does, gratuitous shots of Ray Winstone in nothing but his pants (plus assorted lady-bits).

The problem was she had a little black book
And my name was written on every page
A girl's got to make ends meet even on Jubilee Street

6. Bruce Springsteen - Candy's Room

One of my favourite songs from Darkness On The Edge Of Town, though I have to confess my ignorance regarding the subject matter despite belting out the lyrics full blast as young man...

Strangers from the city, 
Call my baby's number and bring her toys,
When I come knocking, she smiles pretty, 
She knows I wanna be Candy's boy,
There's a sadness hidden in that pretty face, 
A sadness all her own, 
From which no man can keep Candy safe.

5. O.C. Smith - The Son of Hickory Holler's Tramp

How do you feel when your mum's a prostitute?

Oh, you know, the path was deep and wide
From footsteps leading to our cabin
Above the door there burned a scarlet lamp
And late at night a hand would knock
And there would stand a stranger
Yes, I'm the son of Hickory Hollers tramp

Proud, if she only did it to keep food on the table...

When Momma sacrificed her pride
The neighbours started talking
But we were much too young
To understand the things they said
All we really cared about
Was Mommas chicken dumplings
And a goodnight kiss
Before we went to bed

4. Morrissey - Picadilly Palare

Of course, it's not just women who turn to prostitution when times get desperate. Here, Mozzer goes off the rails again and ends up plying an ancient trade round Earl's Court while learning the slang that keeps his business a mystery to strangers. Bona to vada!

See also Rent by The Pet Shop Boys in which Neil Tennant has to chauffeur Margi Clarke while Chris Lowe wanders around Kings Cross looking shifty in black and white. But it's OK, it's not about male prostitution at all, Margi and Chris are in love... (Who reckons the record company forced that ending on them?)

3. The Police - Roxanne

Possibly the most famously po-faced, cod-reggae pop song ever written about prostitution... I do still love it. Not that I can take it seriously anymore, largely because of this:

2. Flight of the Conchords - You Don't Have To Be A Prostitute

Poor Jemaine. His pants are too tight, he can't afford cab fair home, he just can't see his way out...

The streets are cruel, 
He tries to act cool, 
He goes to work with only his one tool 
You can put away your tool, Jemaine...

You don't have to be, a prostitute 
No no no no no 
You can say no, to being a man hoe 
A male gigolo
You don't have to be, a prostitute
No no no no no
You can say no to being a night looker, boy hooker, rent boy, bro, hoe

1. Elvis Costello - Love For Sale

Written by Cole Porter in 1930 for the musical The New Yorkers, though I was unaware of that when I first heard Elvis's cover as a teenager. Despite discovering many other fine recordings of the song since, this will always be my favourite.

When the only sound in the empty street,
Is the heavy tread of the heavy feet
That belong to a lonesome cop
I open shop.
When the moon so long has been gazing down
On the wayward ways of this wayward town.
That her smile becomes a smirk,
I go to work.
Love for sale,
Appetising young love for sale.
Love that's fresh and still unspoiled,
Love that's only slightly soiled,
Love for sale.

Heartbreaking.



So... which one makes you want to put on your red light?