My Top Ten Spy Songs

Last week, when Alyson revealed that she had 83 blog post ideas pending, I was forced to check my own drafts folder. I was ashamed to discover 345 posts waiting to be completed. Some of them are no more than a title and a couple of songs, others are drafts of posts I've already published (so they need deleting) and others I've been reluctant to tackle because I was finding it hard to narrow the list of songs down to just 10.

Well, I'm going to try and tackle a few of these over the summer, to see if I can cut my drafts down to a least... I dunno, 330? Let's start with ten songs about spies... with a special mention, of course, to the very first Billy Bragg album, Life's A Riot With Spy Vs. Spy, from which this is a superb way to kick off your recording career...



And now, onto the real spy songs. Be careful... they're watching you!


10. Coldplay - Spies

Oh no - he started with a Coldplay song! The horror.

Surely that first album's allowed though? Even in spy circles? 

9. T'Pau - Bridge of Spies

Quick, Rol, restore you cred after Coldplay!

Oh, forget it.

8. Jamo Thomas & His Party Brothers Orchestra - I Spy (For The FBI)

Phew! Cred saved. (Just.)

7. Was (Not Was) - Spy In The House Of Love

They didn't just walk dinosaurs, you know.

See also The Doors - The Spy (In The House Of Love)

And even Blue Öyster Cult - Spy In The House of Night.

6. King Creosote - Spystick

She's one of a dozen
Yet you've seen the state
Of the other eleven
So hold onto her
Stay focused
Don't let your eyes stray low
And watch her with interest
Keep the springtime at bay

5. Super Furry Animals - She's Got Spies

She's got spies and they're looking out for me
But it's not like the KGB, it's just a game we play
She's got hooks meant for catching fish at sea
And she's casting them out and about to catch me unaware

Some kind of kinky role play thing going on there.

4. Paul McCartney - Spies Like Us

Oh no! As if Coldplay wasn't bad enough... here's Macca taking the soundtrack dollar!

I loved this song back in 1985 though, even though I never really cared for the film.

3. Gene - Spy in the Clubs

That Martin Rossiter could be a bit creepy at times...

Honey are you listening?
I'll make you stay at home
Can't afford the risk
I want us to go on
As a sign of my love
I've a spy in the clubs
So I'll know if you go
I will know

...then again, he was probably just trying to keep his lady safe from this lot...

2. The Persuaders - Thigh Spy

You wouldn't get away with that nowadays, lads.

1. Pulp - I Spy

It has to be said that Pulp's ultimate Spying Song is Babies, in which Jarvis hides in the wardrobe of his mate's sister and spies on her until she discovers him. There are a couple more twists in that story.

But I Spy is pretty special too. And once again, only Jarvis Cocker could get away with lyrics like these...

And it's just like in the old days
I used to compose my own critical notices in my head
"The crowd gasp at Cocker's masterful control of the bicycle
Skilfully avoiding the dog turd next to the corner shop"

Imagining a blue plaque
Above the place I first ever touched a girl's chest

But hold on
You've got to wait for the best
You see, you should take me seriously

Very seriously indeed.

Cause I've been sleeping with your wife for the past sixteen weeks
Smoking your cigarettes
Drinking your brandy
Messing up the bed that you chose together

And in all that time I just wanted you to come home unexpectedly one afternoon
And catch us at it in the front room

You see I spy for a living
And I specialize in revenge
On taking the things I know will cause you pain
I can't help it
I was dragged up

My favorite parks are car parks
Grass is something you smoke
Birds are something you shag
Take your "Year in Provence" and shove it up your ass!

As mentioned earlier, I could easily have gone another ten of those. Which top secret tunes would you have included?

Saturday Snapshots #85 - The Answers

Thank you for Stayin' Alive long enough to come back and check out the answers to yesterday's Saturday Snapshots. Here's hoping You Win Again, without any Tragedy.

Lynchie just took the prize this week, with Rigid Digit failing to nail a draw by not working out the Happy Mondays song. If in doubt, go for the obvious one! Chris and Charity Chic shared out the rest of the points, although CC needed a little prompting.

Enough of my Jive Talkin'...


10. Lost kangaroo perplexes one-handed table tennis rulers.

Sultans of Ping FC - Where's Me Jumper?

"Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper... wait a minute: where's me jumper!?"

One of Sam's favourites at the moment.

9. Thorny roller gets the full valet.

Rose Royce - Car Wash

8. Triceratots share the hurt.

"Triceratots". Geddit?

Dinosaur Jr. - Feel The Pain

7. Vulcan legend handles the crockery.

You can look up where T'Pau got their name from if you don't already know.

T'Pau - China In Your Hand

Wishing to dodge the shame of spotting this one, Rigid Digit revealed he'd seen them on an old TOTP repeat the night before. Alyson, ashamed to have not spotted them, replied, "I thought to myself, the only band I can think of with a long curly-haired female singer is T’Pau but it’s not a picture of Carol Decker. I was wrong!"

It did take me a while to find a photo of T'Pau where Carol Decker was not immediately recognisable. Then again, not everybody had quite the same teenage interest in that lady that I did.

6. Chimney struck by Murdoch / Hawke co-pilots.

Finally! One I get to explain!

Howling Mad Murdoch was the pilot in The A-Team.

Stringfellow Hawke flew Airwolf.

(Child of the 80s ahoy!)

Put them together and you get...

Howlin' Wolf - Smokestack Lightning

Apparently that was "a b**tard of a clue!", according to Lynchie. I just didn't want to go down the obvious "wild dog" route.

5. Amazon? Nestle? McDonalds? Never satisfied.

Bad Company - Can't Get Enough

4. Queasy, dizzy, teary... how much does the honeymaker charge to get across the river?

C wondered, "Is no. 4 the lovely Bee Bridgetoll with 'Pre-menstrual'? Sorry... but it should be, I'm sure it'd be great."

It would be great, though if that were an actual song, I'd have been more likely to go with a clue about stabbing your other half with a bread-knife because they'd slightly burnt the toast. Not that I'm talking from personal experience or anything.

With an extra clue about this lady also working in a Community Centre, Charity Chic was able to solve this one.

What's the bee's fee? To take you across the bridge?

Phoebe Bridgers - Motion Sickness

3. Flatulation coalition.

The Association - Windy

2. Join the escalator and think about what the Boomtown Rats never had.

The Boomtown Rats never had a happy Monday, obviously.

You're twisting my melon, man!

The Happy Mondays - Step On

Call the cops!

1. Explain to your mum how you boil jelly.

Boil jelly was an anagram.

How has it taken me 85 weeks to get to this gent? Doesn't he look a smart young man? I wish I could have found a photo of him in the boxing ring.



I've Gotta Get A Message To You... Saturday Snapshots will return next week.

The Top Ten Records I Bought Because I Fancied The Singer #1: Oh Carol

OK, I've been threatening this one for a while. Plumbing new depths of embarrassment and shame, I will reveal ten records I bought purely on the basis of fancying the singer. Most of these will sound terrible to modern day ears; some of them even sounded terrible at the time.

We all know there is an inextricable link between pop music and s-e-x. Especially as the main target audience for pop music is teenagers and arguably nobody is more interested in s-e-x than teenagers. (You may choose to dispute that. Who am I to judge?) There is a dark and serious side to this of course: the music industry has been exploiting young female singers for years (watch Charlotte Church's John Peel lecture for her opinion on that), but there's also a case that many female pop stars knowingly choose to exploit their own sexuality to increase their fame. Madonna is the most famous example of this, although curiously, Madonna chose to sex herself up after she'd established herself as a musical force: she was a right scruff-pot when she became famous. Which only goes to prove that it was musical talent which made her... and then her own choice to start flashing her bits to the world. Perhaps the same could be said for the more contemporary example of Rhianna. But when you watch a Rhianna video these days... or pretty much any video featuring a female chart act... they make the sexy videos of my own teenage years seem tame in the extreme. Even Madonna's more raunchy stuff looks quaint now.

Of course, male artists aren't immune to all this. Some have even come out and complained that they feel exploited for their sex appeal. Poor dears. Take a look at a picture of Justin Bieber from 8 years ago and one from today. You think maybe his record company realised his fanbase had grown up a bit and weren't interested in My Little Pony any more? This is a drop in the ocean compared to the way the music industry has exploited young women over the years, but it's one step towards a weird kind of equality...

All that said, I dread to think what pop stars will be doing in videos by the time my boy's a teenager. "It weren't like that back when I were a lad..."

1. T'Pau - Sex Talk

Carol Decker. Of all my teenage pop star crushes, you were the most devastating. The fiery red hair. The aggressive performances. The short skirts... oh yes, those skirts. But while there will be music I now shudder at the very thought of later in this list, I actually think I liked T'Pau for their songs almost as much as for Carol. I bought the Bridge of Spies album on the strength of the first two hits, Heart & Soul and China In Your Hand. I wouldn't call either of them classics, but there was much worse going on in the charts in 1987: the year the 80s went bad. At least T'Pau weren't pumping up the volume or jacking their bodies. At least they had some guitars!

And let's not forget T'Pau were named after an obscure Vulcan from the original Star Trek TV show, and although I was never a Trekkie, at 15 I was watching the Shatner/Nimoy teatime repeats with glee.

However, much as I might make a case for their music, or their sci fi roots, it was Carol who really sold me on T'Pau. In my memory, every TOTP performance featuring the band involved Carol in a micro-skirt with the cameraman lying on the floor and shooting up. Purely in the name of research, I have rewatched a lot of old T'Pau TOTP appearances while writing this post... and in none of them did Carol actually wear a skirt as short as I remember, and in none of them did the cameraman strain his back. This appears to be a false memory from the feverish imagination of a depraved 15 year-old. In fact, if you are so bored as to want to check out Carol's TOTP performances on youtube, you will find her trouser suits and big-lapelled, shoulder-padded jackets to be egregious fashion crimes, even for 1987. The only time she wears anything remotely like I remember...

...is in the video for the single Sex Talk. Which I bought, even though it was 6th single from the album. (It had, apparently been released before the album with the alternative title 'Intimate Strangers', but I never knew this, and neither did the charts.) I suspect it was the video that persuaded me to make this purchase of a song I already owned on the LP. The single was different: a live version as featured in the video. I doubt that would have persuaded me; I generally can't be bothered by live tracks. This was Carol Decker singing about s-e-x though (something I still knew nothing about at 15... and arguably haven't learned a whole lot about since) and to top it off, she even mentioned Spider-Man in the lyrics! This was my kind of woman: I'm telling you, we were destined to be together.

Strangely, that never happened.

Sex Talk remains my favourite T'Pau song, and it's probably the only one I would take a punch for these days, particularly as their subsequent albums (which I bought out of duty rather than love) did very little for either me or the charts.




More of these will follow. And they will plumb depths this blog has never plumbed before.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear about the records you bought purely because you fancied the singer... either in the comments box or, preferably, in your own blog (if you have one: if not, set one up so you can embarrass yourself in a public forum like I do).