Saturday, 18 March 2023

Saturday Snapshots #284

To be Frank, you need a certain kind of Grace to play Saturday Snapshots. But you lot have it in spades.

Identify the ten artists below, then work out a connection between their songs. Please.


10. Easy access acorns.

9. Bernau, Dessau, Weimar artists.

8. Mr. Pageboy in a muddle.

7. Musical Miles, in the Mile High City.

6. Strong odour on the tracks.

5. What Billy keeps waiting for.

4. Mr. Owen / Anderson is finished.

3. Mine king gets a peerage.

2. What's new... and what's shakin'?

1. It's Brew Hill!

Answers tomorrow morning!


Friday, 17 March 2023

Product Placement Friday #6: Domestos


When I was a kid, the burning bush in the corner of our living room told me that Domestos kills ALL known germs: DEAD.

Nowadays, I'm disappointed to hear that it only kills 99.9% of those pesky germs, which makes me wonder about the mutant 0.1% that has grown resistant to the power of bleach. Presumably that includes the Covid germs, which is why Donald's Trump's plan for us all to guzzle Domestos like Night Nurse never caught on.

Let's keep George happy by starting with Mark E. Smith, lucid as ever...

If you deny that strong pot or ecstasy imbibed you will end up
Eyeball injecting with Domestos or household using chemicals that contain

Chumbawamba, meanwhile, just don't like any of these big brands. Birds Eye. Oxo. Persil. Lifebuoy...

Domestos kills all known truths dead


Butter fan John Lydon, on the other hand, won't have a word said against it...

Domestos is domestic bliss!


However, it's me old pal Jim Bob, along with his old pal Fruitbat, who kills all other contenders dead this week, with two different tracks that reference Domestos on their album 101 Damnations. First there's a full church choir...


And then there's this old Rubbish...

From John O'Groats to Elmer's End
With busted lights and dodgy plates
Scrawled with a ball point pen
R U B B I S H
I'm underage and uninsured
On the High Road to Domestos
Chloraflouracarbon, Lord
Asbestos lead asbestos!



Thursday, 16 March 2023

Cnut Songs #19: The Every (1)


A few years back, I thought The Circle by Dave Eggers was the most frightening book I've ever read. The novel concerns a huge tech company (essentially Google crossed with Facebook) and its desire to control the world. Everything that happens in the novel is one step away from where we are today (actually, much of what Eggers predicted in The Circle has since come to pass), and that's what makes it so scary.

The Every is the sequel. Here, The Circle has swallowed up "The Jungle" (you can guess which company that might be) to become even more omnipotent, metamorphosing into The Every.
A young woman called Delaney goes to work at The Every with the intention of sabotaging the company from within. Her plan is to push The Every into increasing its control over our lives to the point that the public begin to object, rebel and fight back. It's hardly a spoiler to say that this isn't as easy as she thinks. Where The Circle was a novel about how big companies want to control us, The Every is more about how easily and willingly we cede control over our own lives to these big companies. The antagonist here is not a faceless corporation... it's us.

There's so much in this novel that hits home, and touches on the kind of issues that I've been writing about in Cnut Songs (like King Cnut, I want to hold back the tide... but realise I'm powerless to do so), so I've decided to run a few excerpts over the next few weeks. No further commentary is required from me: Eggers is able to express my fears and complaints about our dramatic plunge into dystopia far better than I ever could.
 

In this extract, Delaney goes to work in a department called TellTale. The manager, Alessandro, explains what the department does…

“People pick up a book,” he said, “and stop in the middle. Why? With e-books we can study all of this in aggregate. We can take, for example, two thousand readers of Jane Eyre and see who finished it. We actually did that. Turns out 188 people did finish it. That’s not good, right? People who read it all seem to like it. It’s at—” He tapped one of his screens a few times and got the answer. “It’s a 83 per cent approval, which is high for a dead author. So we dig deeper and see that of the 2000 people who started Jane Eyre, most quitters put it down around page 177. So then we look at what happens on page 177, and we see that people don’t seem to like this character called Grace Poole. They find her scary and depressing. They want more of the romance with Mr. Rochester. Now, if the author were alive, we could tell him—”

“Her,” Delaney corrected.

“Her?” Alessandro said reflexively, then went pale.

Oh no, Delaney thought. She’d seen this happen.

Alessandro stood up. He didn’t know what to do. He allowed the vines of his hair to obscure his face completely, and seemed likely to douse himself with gas and light a match.

“It’s OK,” Delaney said. “You meant Mr. Rochester.”

“I did?”

“I know you did. Like, if Mr. Rochester were alive, we could tell him that his parts of the book were intriguing.”

“Okay. Right.” Alessandro began warming to the idea, believing it his only way out of ruination. “That’s exactly what I meant. Where were we?”

“You were saying you could fix Jane Eyre.”

“Well, we could,” he said, “but because the author is dead, she”— he pressed the word so hard it erased centuries of chauvinism and ignorance, “can’t learn from the data herself.”

“Sucks for her,” Delaney said, and saw Alessandro smile.

“But a living author, or a publisher, can avail themselves of the numbers and act on them,” he said. “And this kind of data has been invaluable to publishers and some of their authors already. Just those data-points, sales versus book-starts versus completions, that’s huge. Completions, of course, convert favourably to sales of the author’s next book. So for publishers, figuring out where and why people are stopping is crucial. Sometimes it’s obvious. Like unlikable characters. We can help fix that. We’ve actually written a pretty simple code for turning an unlikable character into, like, your favourite person.”

“Wow,” Delaney said.

“The main thing is that the main character should behave they way you want them to, and do what you want them to do.”

“That’s just common sense,” said Delaney.

“Right? It kind of makes you worry about a lot of writers – the fact that they didn’t know this. But we’re making inroads with colleges and MFA programs, so now they have the information. We give it to them for free, as a public service.”

Delaney made a grateful, admiring whistle-sound.

Alessandro moves on to discuss screen-writing and the algorithms The Every has developed to “help” screenwriters create more engaging movies (“For example, 82% of the best scripts have the Catalysing Moment on page 11…") These formulas don’t just apply to the creative side of movie making, but also to the critical side…

“Remember when assessments of the quality of a movie were an unruly mess? Before critical aggregation, it was totally random. For a certain movie, you had one critic saying one thing in Los Angeles, and another one in Oslo saying something else, and there was no chance of order or consensus. But when we applied percentages to each review, we could average them together, and it became far more clear. A regular human in a fast-moving society doesn’t have time to read twenty-five, or even three, reviews of a movie before they go see it. But seeing it’s received an aggregated score of 74.61 percent – that’s clarity.”

“And clarity is objectivity,” Delaney said.

He looked at her and grinned. “You belong here.”

“As you know,” he continued,” the aggregates worked so well that they quickly moved from movies into painting, dance, sculpture, poetry. I mean, you should have seen how low sonnets scored! That’s why you don’t see those taught so much any more.”

“Sonnet? What’s a sonnet?” Delaney laughed.

Alessandro’s eyes were wild with mirth and inspiration. “Then we brought numerical specificity to so-called fine art museums. In each case there was some initial pushback, but the undeniable comfort of the numbers, of simply knowing the quality of a work of art by its percentage, was soon embraced by the overwhelming majority of people. Eighty-eight percent, to be exact.”

“That’s the only reason we finally know who the best painter was,” Delaney said. The Every had released their results a few years earlier, the product of 32.1 million respondents. The greatest artist of all time was Norman Rockwell, followed by Dale Chihuly, Frida Khalo, Pablo Picasso and Patrick Nagel.

They shared a smile. “I liked when the Louvre started showing the aggregates,” Delaney said.

“Right,” Alessandro said, “I mean, the Louvre came to us. There were all these places doing bootleg aggregates and they wanted it done right.”

“It was fascinating when The Last Supper was only a sixty-six percent,” Delaney said.

“It had been so overrated for centuries! See, that kind of thing was revelatory. We’re averaging together tens of thousands of ratings, as opposed to taking the received wisdom of a few academics. The aggregates are more democratic and egalitarian. Before the aggregates, it had all been so hierarchical and subjective.”

“Subjectivity is just objectivity waiting for data,” Delaney said.

“Right!” Alessandro said, and she saw him pause, again working out whether any kind of compliment would be acceptable. He decided not to risk it. “I mean, I think creatives are starting to acknowledge that we have a valuable role to play. This high wall that was built between art and data had to be torn down.”


The Klaxon 5 were a short-lived band on the London Pavilion record label in the mid-80s. They only released two singles, and that's a tragedy considering how good this one is... and it's about burning books too, which seems vaguely appropriate.



Wednesday, 15 March 2023

Memory Mixtape #22: Geese


Looking through old Truprint envelopes the other day, I came across two snapshots of my sister's geese. She had these two about 35 years ago, and they were vicious brutes. Worse than any guard dogs - in fact, all the dogs would steer well clear of them. Especially when they put their heads down, as in the photo above... that meant they were going in for the attack. 

Sometimes I'd be given the job of herding them back into their hut on a night time, which is probably when I took these photos. They would go, if you stood your ground, but it was best to go armed with a stick for defense in case they turned on you. They liked a good ruck. 


They weren't the worst geese I ever encountered though. There were a couple on a neighbouring farm that were even more savage. One day, I went with my dad to fetch a couple of cows back from a field he'd been renting near that farm. Dad gave me the job of leading a particularly flighty young calf back with a rope round its neck to stop it running away. I was basically walking the calf like a dog on a lead. Until we passed the open farmyard where the diabolical geese lived. They came out charging, hissing, wings up, terrifying the little calf, which set off at full pelt down the lane... dragging me behind it like a stuntman in a Western. When the calf finally stopped, I was covered in cuts and grazes... but at least the geese hadn't got me.

Here are some geese songs...







Tuesday, 14 March 2023

Namesakes #25: Wings

Last week, Avon came calling, but nobody wanted to hear about what Fred was getting up to in the back seat.

This week, we take flight... I couldn't believe how many bands shared their name with Macca's...


WINGS #1

Paul Simon had a little brother called Eddie. In 1967, Eddie joined forces with Oz Bach, a former member of Spanky & Our Gang, and Pam Robins of the Serendipity Singers to form... Wings! Eddie left by the time they made any records. They're only the band The Beatles could have been. 

I know what you're thinking: "That's not real!" Funny you should say that...


THE WINGS #2

Also coming together in the late 60s, Wings (the definite article) were Afrobeat pioneers from Nigeria formed by front-man Spud Nathan. They're only the band The Beatles could have been. Here's their most popular tune...


WINGS #3


I realise I'm in the minority, but I do find Paul McCartney's Wings far less annoying than The Beatles. I mean, Mull of Kintyre is horrible, and the less that's said about Give Ireland Back To The Irish, the better. But C Moon. Band On The Run. Jet. Silly Love Songs. Live And Let Die. Maybe I'm Amazed... I'd rather listen to those than anything on Sgt. Pepper. 


WINGS #4

It's 1988. It's some South African funk. It's only the bloke the Beatles could have been.


WINGS #5

Straight out of Kuala Lumpur in the year 1985 came our next Wings. By 1996, they sounded like this...

(They're only the band The Beatles could have been.)


WINGS #6

Anssi Hyvärinen, Harri Kessunmaa, Kai Hahto and Karri Suoraniemi joined forces in the early 90s in Finland. Together they were... only the band The Beatles could have been. 


WINGS #7

DJ Die, DJ Krust and Roni Size banded together in 1997 for one mission and one mission only. And yet, somehow, they come up first when you search for Wings in Discogs... kicking Macca down to a "Wings (2)" designation. Surely these guys were definitely the band The Beatles could have been. 


WINGS #8

K-Pop! It's the new doo-wop! It's only the musical phenomenon the Beatles etc. etc.


8 different acts... but which one gives you wings?


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