Product Placement #26: WH Smith

It's a sad day for Huddersfield with the announcement that our local WH Smith is closing down. The Piazza Shopping Centre, a wonderfully 70s concrete carbuncle (built two years before I was born) is to be demolished and replaced with some shiny space age Jetson's promenade... and Smiths has elected not to seek an alternative location in the town. 

There are those who argue (quite vocally on local areas of the book of faces) that Huddersfield town centre has been dying slowly for years now, and that this is another nail in its coffin. I'd rather not be drawn into such debates. The town centre where I spent many a happy Saturday morning with my mum, stopping off at all the local newsagents (including Smiths) to see what new comics I cold find... that place is long gone. But so is the culture that fed it. Back then, in the pre-internet era, I could buy four comics for a pound. Nowadays I'd be lucky to buy one and get change from a fiver. You can't turn back the hands of time.

Here are a few songs in honour of WH Smith. You may have won the battle with John Menzies, but nothing lasts forever...

Let's start not in Yorkshire, but over t'other side o' Pennines...

I kissed my girl, by PC World

I dropped me crisps, outside WHSmiths

They chopped down that tree, to build a KFC

Good!

The Lancashire Hotpots - This Lancashire Town

Even further West, they still get their comics from WH Smiths... but I'm not sure they're paying for them...

Then on W.H. Smiths, I steal some books, some graphic novels and some comics

And I spend the afternoon in Maccy D's

Drinking milk shake, reading Spiderman and Tank Girl

Akira The Don - Liverpool

Meanwhile, up in the North East, Richard Dawson pops into Smiths during this autobiographical epic...

I'm starting a BTEC in Engineering at Tynemouth College

My thermos flask leaks parsnip soup on the metro

Clogging up the keys of my MacBook

Carrot pennies steam amidst a pyre of pencils

Ruck-sack dripping up the steps of WH Smith's

To buy a fresh pad of paper

Richard Dawson - The Vile Stuff

The next track is also a very personal tune, from a collection written during lockdown. I can't find out much about the artist, but he's definitely a Slow Burner...

Slow Burner - Week 34: WH Smith

More autobiography to close, from a Southerner - the wonderful Eddie Argos...

Another time I'd overheard you saying you were going into town

And at the time I lived right in between two towns, but I wasn't quite sure which one you meant

So I bought a bus pass, I went to both of them, and frantically looked for you everywhere

And when I finally saw you at WH Smith's, I got scared

  

Product Placement #26: Sodastream

In the mid-1980s, the school dinner ladies went on strike and so on certain days, everyone had to go home for their lunch. Or was it the teachers? Somebody was striking anyway, and I support them 100% with hindsight, but whenever it happened I had to go to a mate's house. I lived too far away from school - if my mum had driven over to pick me up, then driven me back home, I'd have arrived just in time to set off back to school. So I went to a mate's house. Not a close friend - to be honest, thinking about this now, it's the first time I've thought about him for almost forty years... and the only thing I really remember about him is that he had a Sodastream.

Owning a Sodastream was the height of sophistication from a 14 year old's perspective. You could make your own fizzy drinks using tap water, gloopy syrup and compressed air... just pull that handle down and get busy with the fizzy! Never mind that they tasted teeth-rottingly disgusting - this was cutting edge tech for 1986, and owning one made you the envy of all your friends. Unsurprisingly then, the Sodastream influenced a generation of songwriters... well, these guys, anyway.

Sodastream - Charity Board

Australian indie duo Pete Cohen and Karl Smith were - rather surprisingly - the only band I could find named after this weird Israeli beverage making machine. But there were lots of songs that mentioned said device. Like this one, from an "ebullient, heartfelt indie-folk duo" discovered on the camp of bands...

Pack some wine, a rug and a magazine , 

Sandwiches and a SodaStream 

And know Monday can wait till we get clean.

Stables - Sylvan Weekends

Pull Tiger Tail were a London indie band from the early noughties, which probably throws them into the landfill category. But I've heard much worse...

When will all the waiting end?

Extremes return to life again

Day in, day out, I want caffeine

And all I find is SodaStream

Pull Tiger Tail - SodaStream

Better get into your air raid shelter to keep safe from the next band...

Pray to American Idol

YouTube haircut so in style

SodaStream spray ricochet

In your face like: "It's okay!"

Death From Above 1979 - Never Swim Alone

Next up, a band named after Peter Bowles' wife in To The Manor Born...

Beneath the SodaStream

When you begin to dream

When you said, "Nothing's new"

Made fucking zero sense from you

Joyce Manor - This Song Is A Mess But So Am I  

And now, some Norwegian heavy metal guys, planning their birthday party...

I want my birthday pony yeah

Don't want no race car track

I want to ride the pony back

I want my. I want my

Don't want no pinball machine

I don't want no SodaStream

Come on!

Thulsa Doom - Birthday Pony

Here's a couple more from the deep dive...

Leila - SodaStream

Lizzie Reed - Soda Pop Stream

Never heard of them? Here's someone a little more well known...

I’ve got a cartoon heart and a SodaStream

Baby you and me we’re a young love’s dream

Drinking it down like we know what to do with it

Nerina Pallot - Man Didn't Walk On The Moon

But this guy...? Who knows?

Richard Belton is one of those artists whose work I stumble across from time to time on the tube of you, yet they appear to have no online promotional presence providing any kind of biographical info. It makes me wonder if they're just computer-generated AI nonsense. Even if that's the case, this was the best ode to SodaStream I found during my extensive search...

Peasant water, meet Sodastream

I know the world is dark. The world is mean

Until you light it up from 1 to 3

Then you've been fizzled by the fizzy king

Fizzy water, I'm obsessed just by the notion of it

Fizzy water, they should fill the fucking ocean with it

Fizzy water, now I'm spending all my money on it

Cause fizzy water don't let me down

So many flavours and I don't know why

I wanted water, not a cherry pie

I was a smoker and I know it's wrong

But I was as hydrated as the day is long

Fizzy water, I'm obsessed just by the notion of it

Fizzy water, they should fill the fucking ocean with it

Fizzy water, now I'm spending all my money on it

Cause fizzy water don't let me down 

Product Placement #25: Weetabix

Hands up if you had your mum buy Weetabix just so you could get the free gifts?

I found a website that details all the free gifts given away inside a packet of Weetabix, from the 1930s to the present day. I remembered quite a few of them from the 70s and 80s. 

They don't have free gifts inside Weetabix anymore. Further evidence, if evidence were truly required, that life was so much better when we were kids. 

As discussed last week, I couldn't eat Weetabix with cold milk, so I had hot milk (which made them dissolve into a paste) and a large spoonful of Golden Syrup to make them palatable. Sam eats his with just cold milk, nothing else. He's a much healthier child than I was. 

Here are some songs that mention Weetabix, starting, of course, with Mark E. Smith...

Real ale, curry as well - sophisticate!
Spanish guitar doesn't get far
In computer teaching job
His dreamgirl sings adverts for the Weetabix
A fancied wit that's imitation of Rumpole of Bailey

The Fall - Mere Pseud Mag. Ed.

The Seahorses were John Squire's band after he fell out with Ian Brown. I see John's working with Liam Gallagher these days. He obviously has a penchant for collaborating with Neanderthals.

Please, may I leave the table? I don't think that I'll be able

To swallow your family values again today

Because a giant squid, he stole my wife and kid

Full story and pix, ten pence off your Weetabix, yeah, yeah

The Seahorses - Suicide Drive

Louise is gluten free. She has, on occasion, tried that dietary alternative to Weetabix. Although these guys don't recommend it...

I would rather die than eat gluten-free Weet-Bix!

Tutant Meenage Neetle Teetles - Gluten-Free Weetbix

For many people though, Weetabix are symbolic of the start of the day. This probably rings a bell for a few people...

Kids to school, waking up at 6

Half asleep and making baby bowls of Weetabix

Now dogs keep barking and the neighbours start shouting

And next thing I know my eyes closed, just despairing

Ghostpoet - Longing For The Night (Yeah Pause)

At least Jilted John gets a bit longer in bed...

I got up at half past six

And had two Weetabix

And then I put my Parka on

And went into the street

Jilted John - The Paperboy Song

For Lindisfarne's Alan Hull though, Weetabix is part of a much bigger breakfast...

Intimate breakfast scene: sausage, egg and beans

Weetabix, jam, lightly grilled brown ham

Alan Hull - Breakfast

Greedy git. These days, I just have a coffee. And some of us are struggling with our budgets, Alan - take this dude, for instance...

I want to dine out in style but I'm bloody skint

I've got 27p and a Polo mint

And a natural aversion to another buttered Weetabix

MJ Hibbert & The Validators - Good Cooking

While Poly Styrene appears to be a bit confused about what Weetabix are for...

My mind is like a plastic bag

That corresponds to all those ads

It sucks up all the rubbish

That is fed in through by ear

I eat Kleenex for breakfast

And use soft hygienic Weetabix

To dry my tears

X-Ray Spex - Plastic Bag

My most important discovery today was that Goths like Weetabix too...

Tune into the horror

This is Dracula's daughter

There is a coffin and crucifix too

And then just after the struggle

With the good and the evil

There's a Weetabix advert to view

Lestat - Awake & Watching

We end with the closing track from Robyn Hitchcock's debut solo album from 1981, Black Snake Diamond Röle. It's a Love song...

The gnomes are moving through the night

They sing and fiddle with delight

And we eat Weetabix and sing

About the joys that love can bring

Ah, ah, ah, ah - if they ever come...

Have you had yours?

Product Placement #24: Wimpy

Before the Red Weed of McDonalds conquered the world, if we fancied a quick burger, we all headed out to our local Wimpy Bar. Back in the 80s, Wimpy was pretty much your only option for fast food in the UK, beyond more traditional fare such as fish and chips or pie and peas. In the 90s, many Wimpys were transformed into Burger Kings (same parent company), though Huddersfield still has an actual original Wimpy, in the same place it was when I was a kid. I have to confess I haven't been in there for 40-odd years, but if you held a gun to my head, I'd choose it over the golden arches or a flame-grilled Whopper, if only for nostalgia's sake.

The word "Wimpy" appears in thousands of songs, mostly as a pejorative that has nothing to do with the burger chain. I listened to them all, just in case. Here are a few songs that did have a more direct connection, starting with the lesser-known titular mentions...

The Plague - Wimpy Bar Song

Ram John Holder - Wimpy Bar Blues

Colin Lloyd Tucker - Bluebird and the Wimpy Bar Kid

Let's start our lyrical nods in the days before T-Rex...

Wimpy bar misfit, I don't wanna be
Like Billy the kid left hangin' from no tree

Marc Bolan - Misfit

Meanwhile, Pauline Black clearly has some Wimpy-related trauma in her past...

Oranges spinning in a Wimpy bar

Although she knows it's not the same

She sits and wonders where it all went wrong

Wraps her coat around her pain

The Selecter - Vicky's Magic Garden

And now, especially for George, some vintage Genesis prog-bollocks...

Citizens of Hope and Glory
Time goes by, it's the time of your life
Easy now, sit you down
Chewing through your Wimpy dreams
They eat without a sound
Digesting England by the pound

Genesis - Driving With The Moonlit Knight

In a similarly nonsensical vein, I have to wonder if there was something more than meat in Poly Styrene's Wimpy... 

I drove my polypropolene
Car on wheels of sponge
Then pulled into a Wimpy bar
To have a rubber bun

X-Ray Spex - The Day the World Turned Day-Glo

Back in the 80s, Ralph Rabie was a South African singer songwriter who used the stage-name Johannes Kerkorrel to protest against Apartheid. His song Hillbrow became a big hit in Belgium and The Netherlands. Proving that Wimpy Bars had, at one point at least, taken over the world...  

Ou man sit by die straatkafees

En kyk al die mense loop heen-en-weer

Boemelaars raas by die Wimpy Bar

Translated from Afrikaans...

Old man sitting at the street cafes

And look at all the people walking back and forth

Hobos rave at the Wimpy Bar

Johannes Kerkorrel - Hillbrow

Actually, "the world" is probably pushing it. But Wimpy's were very popular in South Africa, which is also where these guys came from...

Strum on your mandolin and play your guitar

Take all your problems to the Wimpy Bar

Falling Mirror - What Are We Here For?

Actually, The Wimpy Bar started out in the good old US of A. However, the only American singer I can find who mentions them is the amazing Mr. Byrne, although he's referring to J Wellington Wimpy, Popeye's cartoon friend who inspired the name of the Wimpy Bar.

It goes back to Wimpy lookin’ cross eyed 

For a juicy hamburger 

Like they don’t make anymore

David Byrne - It Goes Back

Back in the UK, Tom Robinson only frequented his local Wimpy to keep out of the cold...

Eat at the Wimpy or freeze on the street

And hope we don't know anybody we meet

Sector 27 - Where Can We Go Tonight?

(Sadly, in the TV version that's on the tube of you, they appear to have made Tom change the lyrics to "Eat in the chippy", which doesn't make any sense, because you don't eat in the chippy, you buy your food and then go back out into the cold. Stupid BBC.)

My overall take home from today's investigations is that Wimpy's were a crap place to take someone on a date (even if it was cold, Tom). Although clearly nobody told Ian Anderson that...

Take you to the cinema

And leave you in a Wimpy Bar

You tell me that we've gone too far

Jethro Tull - Up To Me

I have to wonder if Ian's date was Julz Sale from Leeds post-punk band Delta 5. That might explain the little second person rant with which we close today's proceedings: another gem from Cherry Red's tremendous Where Were You? compilation.

Who took me to the Wimpy for a big night out?

You you you YOU!

Product Placement #23: Tizer

I honestly thought this was going to be one of those retro posts of the "Do you remember Tizer?" variety. I mean, I haven't drunk fizzy pop for a long time, so I guess I'm out of the loop, but surely they don't still make Tizer?!?

Turns out they do. And according to iffypedia, all attempts to make it slightly healthier, less sickeningly sweet and artificial, have been failures. In 2007, they tried to add real fruit juice and remove all the fake flavourings, colourings and sweeteners, but the relaunch bombed and they went back to the original. A similar attempt to launch Diet Tizer fell on deaf tastebuds, despite the bus shelter adverts that used a funhouse mirror to make you look thinner. Just when I thought the advertising industry had sunk as low as it's possible to go...

That said, I did approve of the earlier 80s slogan: "You Can Tell It's Tizer When Your Eyes Are Shut". Yeah, because it's bloody awful.

Anyway, despite all this, there are a bunch of great tunes that mentioned "Tizer the Appetizer"... so let's crack on with them shall we? And who better to launch our celebration of this Great British pop than Steven Patrick himself...

Your boyfriend, he

Went down on one knee

Well, could it be

He's only got one knee?

I tried to surprise you

With Vodka

Or, Tizer

I can't quite remember

But you didn't thank me

You didn't even thank me

Because you never do

Morrissey - King Leer

I know a lot of people didn't appreciate Morrissey's stand-up routine when Kill Uncle was released in 1991, but looking back, those were the glory days when he still had a sense of humour.

Next, a rather obscure little number from Mr. MacManus, taken from the soundtrack of a 1983 British comedy movie of the same name. Long time since I've heard this...

The last thing I remember I was talking to some fellas

Then she said she'd have a word for me with her good-looking mate

And handed me a pint-pot filled with Advocate and Tizer

And I woke in the flowerbeds of fear and fertilizer

Elvis Costello - Party Party

And now, because clearly I have no shame, here's Marti Webb with a short burst of Andrew Lloyd-Weber...

There are lots of things I miss, mum

No one makes a normal sandwich

You need Goliath's mouth to eat

The ones New Yorkers buy

I long to find a drink

That hasn't got an ice cube in it

And for a sip of Tizer

I swear I would gladly die

Marti Webb - Second Letter Home

I'm hoping you find some Helen Love preferable to that...

Can't stop Julie and her synthesizer

She's got more fizz than a bottle of Tizer

Helen Love - We Love You

And now for something properly bonkers...

These are your orders, seems like it's do it or die

So please read them closely

When you've learnt them be sure that you eat them up

They're specially flavored with burgundy, Tizer and rye

Brian Eno - Back In Judy's Jungle

Apparently, Grace were a "neo-progressive rock band" from the mid 90s. I have no memory of them, and Discogs was no help in sifting them out from hundreds of other Graces, but here they are anyway...

Balsa planes and Airfix ships

Vinegar on greasy chips

Tizer gives you squeaky lips

Grace - Sing Something Simple

Today's runner up is the title track from the third Deacon Blue album in 1991...

Fellow hoodlums and engineers

The Union's south

And we're all here

I'm going up Buchanan Street

With a box of fireworks

And two bottles of Tizer

Deacon Blue - Fellow Hoodlums

And that would have been the winner, were it not for the irresistible combination of David Gedge and comedian Sean Hughes on this wonderful Cinerama tune...

I don't remember when we first met. She was just always there, small and meek, a sly curl about her lips that drew me in. We spent the Summer days in an orange tent in the garden, feeling dizzy in the heat, drinking warm Tizer. Then one day a rush of flying ants flushed us out, blinking into the sunlight, swarming around us as we ran. We tried to lose ourselves in the woods, shutting our eyes and bumping into trees, smelling the wild garlic underfoot. But she always knew the way. Maybe she cheated, but I just thought she was smarter than me.

Product Placement #22: Jelly Babies

In case you've just arrived from another planet, iffypedia tells us that, "Jelly Babies are a type of soft sugar jelly sweets in the shape of plump babies, sold in a variety of colours." Something about the use of the phrase "plump babies" in that sentence makes me consider Jelly Babies in a far more sinister light than I ever have. If you have just arrived from another planet, please note that we do not eat human babies, no matter how plump and tasty they might look.

To make matters worse, Jelly Babies were originally called "Unclaimed Babies". I'd like to reiterate... we do not eat human babies, claimed or unclaimed.

Jelly Babies were a big favourite of Tom Baker's Doctor Who...

When Beatles fans found out that George Harrison liked the odd Jelly Baby, they started chucking them at the band. But they didn't have Jelly Babies in the USA, so when the band went over there, people chucked Jelly Beans at them instead. Which were a lot harder.

George Harrison on Jelly Beans.

Even more dangerous is the popular school science experiment, The Screaming Jelly Baby. Luckily nobody ever chucked one of those at The Beatles.

There were a couple of bands named after Jelly Babies, but I could only find music by one of them...

The Jelly Babies - The Pleasure Of Her Company

Beyond those guys, who else likes their Jelly Babies in the world of pop...?

Let's start with a classy B-side from Hot Chip...

You're choosing something sweet, you chew on something sweet
A fleshy rubber made of me
A packet does contain a beautiful refrain
Least when the two of you stand free

Hot Chip - Jelly Babies

1982 was a great year for music. And then there was Johnny Demestos...

Johnny Demestos – Leave My Jelly Babies Alone

Did you know that Barbra Streisand once sang a song about Jelly Babies?

OK, that's not strictly the truth. However, once you've read the lyrics below, you might wish that was what the song was about...

Like Guava Jelly 
Baby, here I am,
Come rub it on my belly 
Like Guava Jelly 

Barbra Streisand - Guava Jelly

I always thought Babs was such a sweet young thing. Like butter wouldn't melt. Then I saw the cover of the album that came from...

 ...which has surely got to be one of the worst album covers ever. You call your album ButterFly, and that's the image you decide to go with, Babs? 

I subsequently learned that the album was solely produced by her then-boyfriend, Jon Peters... so I'm guessing clear heads might not have been involved in the cover selection process.

Guava Jelly was originally recorded by Bob Marley. And somehow, his version seems a lot less sordid...

Bob Marley - Guava Jelly

But I've gone off on a tangent as I'm pretty sure neither Bob nor Babs were thinking about Jelly Babies when they sang that song (although the white powder the sweets are often covered in might have been of interest to Jon Peters).

Here's a whole shop full of sweets, including Jelly Babies, Rhubarb & Custard and a quarter of Sherbet Lemons...

Eddie's Brother - Sweet Shop

But today's best tune comes from Ipswich punks The Adicts (originally known as Afterbirth, until wiser minds prevailed), from their 1985 album, Smart Alex. If only because it includes the lyrical couplet below...

Why do you have to be such a party-pooper?
You wouldn't even dance to Alice Cooper!

They don't write 'em like that anymore.

Product Placement #21: Maxwell House

At the end of the first proper date I ever went on, driving my dad's car and feeling all so grown up, I dropped the lucky young lady back at her house... and she asked me in for coffee. I didn't drink coffee, but I took her up on the offer, because I'd seen enough films to know that coffee could be code for something else. Turns out she just meant coffee, and it was horrible instant yuck. I seriously suspect it was Maxwell House. I drank it, then she told me her brother would be home soon, and I left. The next time I saw her, she'd got back together with her former boyfriend. 

Nowadays, I drink a lot of coffee, but I've never been a fan of instant. When I was a kid, I drank tea, because that's what my mum drank. By the time I started work, I was drinking buckets of tea every day. Then I started working nights and tea wasn't enough. There was a crappy Klix Coffee Machine in the kitchen at work, and I started drinking it purely to help me stay awake. I didn't like the taste, but there's a theory that you have to taste something 15 times before you can properly decide if you like it or not. Machine coffee was still preferable to the jar of Maxwell House behind the kettle. I've no idea what Victoria Wood saw in it.

Here are some other people who enjoy Maxwell House far more than I ever did...

Manfred Mann & Mike Hugg - The Maxwell House Shake

Presumably they needed the money.

I had too much coffee today

My mind's going blank, can't keep track of what's happening

Subb - Me & My Maxwell House

And I thought I was a caffeine addict!

Marshall Tucker takes his Maxwell House can fishing... but there's no coffee in it.

Well, I'm goin' down to the river

I got a cane pole in my hand

Got my red worms in a Maxwell House coffee can

I'm gonna sit under a shade tree on a riverbank where it's cool

I'm gonna close my eyes and dream and let the cork bob away my blues

The Marshall Tucker Band - Bob Away My Blues

While this guy uses it as a way of convincing his fans he's a man of the people...

And we like cold keg beer and fixin' up trucks

Old bird dogs and the woman we love

Maxwell House steamin' out of a coffee cup

We say our prayers, send 'em to the sky

Bust our backs, barely getting by

Carolina to California up to Illinois

Yeah, there's guys like us

Blue collar boys

Luke Combs - Blue Collar Boys

Maxwell House coffee was named after its first big customer - The Maxwell House Hotel in Nashville. President Theodore Roosevelt reportedly said that the coffee there was "good to the last drop", and that became the company's advertising slogan. 

This is the 'Coffee Blues'. I likes a certain brand:

Maxwell's House, it's good till the last drop

Just like it says on the can, I used to have a girl

Cookin' a good Maxwell House, she moved away

Some said to Memphis and some said to Leland

But I found her, I wanted her to cook me

Some good Maxwell's House. I understand

If I can get me just a spoonful of Maxwell's House

Do me much good as two or three cups this other coffee

Mississippi John Hurt - Coffee Blues

The Maxwell House Hotel had a chequered history, housing soldiers during the civil war, being reputedly haunted following a violent murder, and hosting the first national meeting of the Ku Kluc Klan. It was destroyed by fire on Christmas night 1961, and later demolished.

Here's some "coffee-drenched death metal" from Stockholm...

Perkulatory - The Haunted Maxwell House Hotel

After that, your ears probably need a rest. So settle down and listen to some late night Tom Waits... what a writer!

A cab combs the snake, tryin' to rake in that last night's fare

And a solitary sailor who spends the facts of his life like small change on strangers

Paws his inside pea coat pocket for a welcome twenty-five cents

And the last bent butt from a package of Kent's

As he dreams of a waitress with Maxwell House eyes

And marmalade thighs with scrambled yellow hair

Her rhinestone-studded moniker says "Irene"

As she wipes the wisps of dishwater blonde from her eyes

Product Placement #19: C&A

When I was a kid, I hated being dragged into C&A. I wasn't interested in clothes (still aren't, to be honest), and they didn't even have a toy section. Boring! I'm not sure I ever shopped there as a grown up either, not because I've ever been fashionable, but just because Top Man or Next seemed like more obvious places to go if I absolutely had to buy new clothes that weren't just band T-shirts. I guess I missed my chance as C&A closed all its British stores by 2001, although it's still going strong in other parts of the world.

C&A was named after Clemens and August Brenninkmeijer, two Dutch brothers who started selling middle-aged clothing in the city of Sneek way back in 1841. Little could they suspect that many years later, their names would be immortalised in pop lyrics. How many songs make reference to C&A will remain a mystery, as both lyrical search engines and discogs refuse to filter by two initials and an ampersand... but here's a jolly little jingle written by Roger Greenaway (the songwriter responsible for "You've Got Your Troubles" and "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (in Perfect Harmony)" (which actually sound remarkably similar when you listen to them back to back) and Lord David Dundas. So now we know where he got his jeans from!

Before we get to the song most of you will be expecting, here's Belle & Sebastian with another perfect slice of kitchen sink drama, glumly reflective of the times when most of the country bought their clothes from C&A...

Monday morning, wake up knowing

That you've got to go to school

Tell your mum what to expect

She says it's right out of the blue

Do you want to work at C&A's

'Cause that's what they expect?

Move to Lingerie, and take a feel

Off Joe the store-man

Belle & Sebastian - Expectations

As I say, there may well be other songs that name-drop C&A... but my usual sources failed me. Fortunately, we have this, a timely reminder from The Specials that the man in the street (or the Man at C&A) is powerless to stop politicians destroying the world if they so wish...

I'm the man in grey

I'm just the man at C & A

And I don't have a say

In the war games that they play

Product Placement #18: Orange Crush

I'm not sure if Orange Crush has ever been sold in the UK, though I do have a vague memory of it from my childhood. These days you're more likely to find Fanta or Tango in your local shop, but Orange Crush is still big business in other parts of the world, and if there's a top tune attached, it's worthy of a mention here.

First though, let's have some Nicole Dollanganger, and a song she wrote to her ex-boyfriend in prison...

You're so cool, you're so cool

I'll bet when you were born

All the Orange Crush and Ne-Hi soda

Bottles in the world fizzed over

Nicole Dollanganger - You're So Cool

Remember the 90s? Remember Stone Temple Pilots? I presume Mick & Keef's lawyers do...

Sell your soul and sign an autograph

Big bang baby, it's a crash, crash, crash

I wanna cry, but I gotta laugh

Orange Crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh

Stone Temple Pilots - Big Bang Baby

For my own sanity, I'm trying to cut down on the number of songs I include in this feature, but here are a couple of titular mentions...

The Adolescents - Orange Crush 

Who Boy - Orange Crush Redux

Almost there! But first, the great John Prine is a worthy runner-up...

Sally used to play with her hula hoops

Now she tells her problems to therapy groups

Grandpa's on the front lawn staring at a rake

Wondering if his marriage was a terrible mistake

I'm sitting on the front steps drinking Orange Crush

Wondering if it's possible for me to still blush

Uh huh, oh yeah

John Prine - The Sins Of Memphisto

No prizes for guessing the winner today, Martin! 

Orange Crush was the first single from R.E.M.'s 1988 album Green, leading to their debut TOTP appearance in the UK. In the US it was only released as a promotional single, although it did top the airplay charts for 8 weeks, beating The Irish Band. If I didn't love the song already, the last bit would be enough.

Orange Crush is about a young man forced to go to Vietnam and his worries over exposure to Agent Orange. Michael Stipe sings "I've got my spine" in the chorus as Spina Bifida was one of the side effects of exposure to the gas, and often affected soldiers' chances of having healthy children.

Product Placement #17: Ocean Spray

I drink Ocean Spray every day. It's not cheap, but it's much tastier than the supermarket equivalents with their artificial sweeteners that leave a nasty after-taste. I enjoy the taste, but drink it mostly for my immune system, and because I read somewhere it's good for your prostate. Which is important when you get to my age. Still, I wouldn't have thought of featuring Ocean Spray here... until I remembered a really obvious tune. 

First though... I could hardly do a post about Ocean Spray without featuring these guys...

The Cranberries - Dreams

I had to reject all the songs that referenced the spray of the ocean, rather than the delicious cranberry drink. Although I wasn't sure about this one. I mean, The Beach Boys clearly spend a lot of time by the sea... but what's their beverage of choice?

In the shade

Lemonade

In the sun 

Ocean Spray

The Beach Boys - It's OK

Wesley Willis, meanwhile appears to prefer a glass of Ocean Spray following slightly less relaxing pursuits... he is familiar with the brand's advertising strap-line though.

I murdered your family

I murdered your family

I murdered your family

I murdered your family

Rock over London

Rock on, Chicago

Ocean Spray - "Crave the wave!"

Wesley Willis - I Murdered Your Family

Speaking of advertising, clearly this dude was keen to pitch a campaign song...

I'm juiced up (I'm juiced up)

Ocean Spray (Ocean Spray)

I'm poured up (I'm poured up)

Let's drink some more today

Moneybagg Yo - Ocean Spray

Lots of rappers mention Ocean Spray as an alcoholic mixer. I drink it neat, myself, but please, do whatever you feel necessary, as it does help your health... and, apparently, your mood...

Goblins, vampyres, coming out to play

They be cutting the vodka with that Ocean Spray

Electric Six - Mood Is Improving

If you don't like to drink cranberry juice, Howe Gelb has a suggestion that involves pouring it onto a mirror that you've placed under your hotel room door to let the maids know you don't want it cleaning today. I wouldn't have found this one by looking, it just popped up by coincidence on shuffle the other day... 

Giant Sand - Hood (View from a Heidelburg Hotel)

Anyway... here's the song that had me kicking myself for not featuring Ocean Spray sooner. This is the first Manic Street Preachers lyric written by James Dean Bradfield. It's also one of their most direct and moving songs, as it deals with his mum dying of cancer and his memories of visiting her in hospital...

Oh, please stay awake

And then we can drink 

Some Ocean Spray

Product Placement #16: Old Spice

When I was a small boy, I drank a whole bottle of Old Spice aftershave and had to go to hospital. Or so the story goes. I'm not entirely sure how this was possible, since in my memory, Old Spice bottles only allowed a few drops out at a time, so I must have been sucking on that white plastic teat for ages. You might well ask "Was Old Spice so delicious to a 3 year old that he wanted to keep on suckling that bottle till he'd drained it dry?" To which I have no real response. An easier question to deal with is, "Where were your parents?" We all know the answer to that one: it was the 70s. 

I do wonder if this early escapade put me off alcohol and stopped me joining the teenage drinkers in High School... I was vehemently tee total until I turned 21. Made up for it in the 90s, then quit at the turn of the Millennium for health reasons. Haven't touch a drop since: booze or Old Spice.

Back in the 70s, men only really had the choice of two aftershaves, as far as I can tell. It was Old Spice or Brut... which cost more, because you had to "splash it all over". Old Spice was my dad's choice back then, and it definitely had the classier advert...

The music was O Fortuna, the opening section of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, which (like many people, it seems) I always thought was used in The Omen. It wasn't, but it was later used in The X-Factor, so there's definitely a satanic connection.

My dad stopped wearing aftershave when I was a teenager. But the scent of Old Spice still takes me back to my childhood... thankfully not my trip to Casualty.

Here are some songs that mention Old Spice... none of them are about Victoria Beckham or Geri Halliwell. (That gag wouldn't have worked for Emma.) This first one is particularly apt... 

Sometimes I think about my daddy
And his Old Spice grin
Cleaned pressed shirts, and a farmers tan

Slaid Cleaves - Flowered Dresses

Time for a slightly less fragrant memory... 

I can smell his cousin's Polo mixing with his grandpa's Old Spice and the
Swedish meatballs look so tempting that his two fat aunts might even fight

Less Than Jake - Pete Jackson Is Getting Married

Wait - the smell gets worse!

And I can taste the bleach on your breath 
Covering the Old Spice and cigarettes 

Cheap Meat - Marigold Moon

The businessman beside me smelt like Old Spice and gin

The lady to the left was talking about her grandchildren

Two kids behind me were screaming for their mom

She was screaming back, I wonder how come

Arrogant Worms - Worst Seat On The Plane

I've known some arrogant worms in my time. I'm sure you have too.

Splashing on the aftershave was part of the ritual many young men performed in order to prepare for pulling... or trying to pull. 

I took a fresh pack of Luckies
And a mint called Sen-Sen
My old man's Trojans
And his Old Spice aftershave

Billy Joel - Keeping The Faith

Often it was the scent of desperation. 

There they go again,

Covered in Old Spice,

They think they will get the girls,

'Cause they smell nice!

The Toy Dolls - Dig That Groove, Baby

Still, whatever you think of Old Spice, it's got to smell better than Lynx. One more reason to treasure the good old days.

Drapes and quaff are all in place

Old Spice splashed on a fresh cut facе

Putting on a tie of the old boot lace

Creepеrs and a 30 inch waist

Fairport Convention - Shuffle & Go

Even if the Old Spice did help you find romance, there was no guarantee it'd last...

Here's a little Old Spice you can put it on your pillow
In the spot where I used to lay my head

Ricky Van Shelton - Baby, Take a Picture

And even if it did, you'd probably stop wearing it after awhile. How long then before the infidelity sets in...?

You come home all hours of the night 
The fragrance on you ain't Old Spice 

Dolly Parton - If You Need Me

You got that guilty look in your eye

And you smell like Old Spice on your skin

So there ain't no way that you can lie

Glenn Frey - Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed?

I guess in the days of Paco Rabanne, Ralph Lauren and Johnny Depp's Sausage, Old Spice is old hat. What do the young people have to say about it?

You old Old Spice wearing

Short chain wearing

Dress shoes and jogging pants wearing

Church sock wearing...

Kanye West - Mama's Boyfriend

I don't know if I have more respect for Kanye, knowing that he's sampled Billy Joel, or not. Also, "young people" - dude is 46 now. Almost as old as another artist I'll always think of as a "youngster", even though she'll be 50 next year...  

Old Spice is nice

But sweat is better

Jewel - U & Me = Love

Here's a random sprinkling of tunes that named themselves after my beverage of choice as a toddler...

Lucky Millinder And His Orchestra - Old Spice

Creed - Old Spice

I don't think that's actually the famous Creed, though to these uncultured ears, they sound pretty much the same.

Space Needle - Old Spice

And second to last, but not second to least, some rare XTC...

They sailed in the shallows now they've paid the price

The captain drank the champagne but it tasted like Old Spice

How can we free, how can we free

The ship trapped in the ice

XTC - The Ship Trapped In The Ice

But it's John Grant who wins the prize today. A year's supply of Old Spice is winging its way to Iceland... don't drink it all at once, John.

You'd better watch out sugar, 'cause I'm about to get my Old Spice on

John Grant (featuring Midlake) - Chicken Bones

There is a video for that tune, but it breaks the song up to create a (very entertaining) narrative, so I linked to the album version instead. He still gets his Old Spice on in the video though. 

 

Product Placement Friday #14: Razzle

(Other, more recent, covers were considered and rejected, for obvious reasons.)

Inspired by John Medd's recent post about Playboy (which is "burlesque", in case you're casting aspersions John's way), I figured I would reach up to the top shelf for this week's Product Placement.

I would like to start by saying that I have never in my life bought a copy of Razzle, so my knowledge of said publication comes only from school-boy sniggering. We did once find a battered copy of something that might have been Razzle, stuffed inside a tree trunk in the local woods, but it was missing its cover so I can't be 100% sure. In this era of wall-to-wall internet porn, I even find myself nostalgic for scraps of yellowed, rain-damaged nudie books; they were like Blackbeard's treasure to 80's school kids.   

When I worked in radio advertising, there was a small newsagent's kiosk outside the building where staff would go to buy snacks. The guy who ran it was called Keith, and his top shelf magazines came in tasteful wrappers. One day, some of my colleagues got into one of those "Do you remember Spangles?" conversations that disrupt productivity in workplaces all across the country. The office wag began waxing lyrical about Razzles. "I used to love a good Razzle myself," making out that it was a chocolate bar from his youth. He then convinced the office junior to go ask Keith if he still sold Razzles. The office junior duly obliged, only to come back a few moments later with a confused look on their face... "Keith says you're winding me up?"

You may have laughed at that story. I laughed at the time. Would you think differently if I told you the office junior in question was a young woman? I've felt guilty about playing along with that joke over the years, wondering if I crossed the line into toxic masculinity for a moment. This was 20 years ago, and the young woman in question remained blissfully ignorant... although I guess she might have found out later. I still feel bad about it.

Well, that brought the mood down, didn't it? Let's cheer ourselves up with some songs about Razzle... not including any of the following...

Bill Haley - Razzle Dazzle

Shirley Bassey - Razzle Dazzle

Slade - Razzle Dazzle Man

No, none of those have anything to do with the infamous top shelf magazine.

This sounds like it might do...

Today it is my birthday so me and my friends
Took ourselves a trip to an old drive-in
Played some 80s hits on an old cassette
Bought a couple Razzles and some Raisinets

Summer Salt - Another Piece of the Cake

But since Summer Salt are from Austin, Texas, I think it's unlikely.

Martin has remarked repeatedly about this feature that he loves it when he knows for sure what song is coming at the end just from the blog post title. Some of you may think you've got today's final tune figured, and if so, I'm guessing it's this one...

Ian Dury - Razzle In My Pocket

No bout adoubt it, the b-side to Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll is a very amusing tune. But it wasn't actually the inspiration for today's post... and neither was John Medd! 

No, the song that sent me down this particularly sordid rabbit hole comes instead from an artist I only discovered last year (thanks to Khayem). This is from her latest album, one I've been enjoying a lot over the past couple of months, and the lyric in question sums up her style particularly well. It's what I'd call "faded debauchery"... Jarvis would approve, I'm sure.

You're cruising the cosmos, and I'm lying in bed
You're writing a novel, and I'm surfing the web
But I'm biding my time, you ain't seen nothing yet
I was a copy of Razzle, now I'm the Book of the Dead

Product Placement Friday #13: Henri Winterman Cigars

When I was a young boy, my dad smoked cigars. He was doing pretty well financially at the time and those cigars were one of the perks of his job. Then, when I was about 8 or 9, he was made redundant and chose to set up his own business. Money was tight for a few years and the cigars had to go. He moved onto a pipe, which he smoked through most of my teenage years.

When he was about 60, the doctor told him, "you keep smoking that pipe and you'll be dead in ten years". So he quit. That day. Cold turkey. And he never smoked again. Ironically, his death certificate read "Chronic Obstructive Airways Disease", but that was more than 30 years later. The damage had been done, but he did what he had to do to mitigate his condition, and I'll always be thankful for that.

I'm not sure whether my dad ever smoked Henri Wintermans. I remember his cigars came in strong cardboard boxes with a hinged lid, and occasionally he'd get a special one that came in a metal tube. I looked through the list of famous cigar brands and none of them rang a bell. You don't come across cigar smokers very often these days, but if ever I catch that smell, it takes me right back to my childhood. There's a comfort to that.  I never liked the smell of cigarettes, and I hate the sweet stink of e-cigs, but cigars or pipe tobacco, I still have a great affection for. I ought to buy a box, not to smoke, just to remember. 

There's only one song I know that mentions Henri Winterman cigars, but it's a great one. Girl From Mars was Ash's first Top 40 hit in 1995, and the band played it live on Top of the Pops just two weeks after completing their A Levels. Like cigar smoke, this one takes me right back...

Do you remember the time I knew a girl from Mars?

I don't know if you knew that

Oh, we'd stay up late playing cards

Henri Winterman cigars

And she never told me her name

I still love you, the girl from Mars

Product Placement Friday #12: Parker Pen

George Safford Parker was born in Wisconsin in 1863. He founded the Parker Pen company when he was just 25, although until 2011, their headquarters was based in Newhaven. Then they moved to France. "From the 1920s to the 1960s, before the development of the ballpoint pen, Parker was either number one or number two in worldwide writing instrument sales." When I was a kid, the Parker Pen was a much desired item... though I'm not sure anybody knew why. Parker's writing implements certainly made an impression on these guys though...

And I stick my Parker pen under my ear
Beneath my own carefully scruffed hair.
What I wear
Have to check out of Moody's lair
Hang on!

The Fall - He Pep!

From one loudmouth Manc to another...

I feel so sorry for you
If you were thirteen I would let you off
But you're not and you should know better
Gather my thoughts on a notepad with a Parker Pen
And write you a letter but
There's not enough paper in the world

The Courteeners - Acrylic

Followed by some pretty clever wordplay...

People meet by chance
Fall in love, drift apart again
Underaged drinkers walk the park
And watch the dark descend
The workers watch the clocks
Fiddle with their Parker pens

Kae Tempest - Lionmouth Door Knocker

And as usual, there's some weird blippy-squelchy dance track named after the product of the day, because why not? It's not as though your song's actually about anything...

Treb - Parker Pen

Far more satisfying to these aging ears is some 21st Century bluegrass...

Terry Earl Taylor - Wish I Had A Parker Pen

I am also convinced there is a Jim Bob song that mentions a Parker Pen. But I can't for the life of me find it. So here's another great Jim Bob song just because...

Jim Bob - Cartoon Dad

Today though, I have a chance to re-share one of my favourite songs from last year, by the inimitable HMHB. Tissues at the ready, folks...

The days she feared are here
The easy years are gone
His ‘best before’ draws near
And warning lights are on
Effort is tiring
But then again
Just for enquiring
She’ll get a free Parker Pen

The surgery leaflets
Offer advice
But there’s no preparation
For losing him twice
And now he’s washed and dressed and ready
To keep him safe she’ll face the hurt
And if she could hold that needle steady
She could sew his name into his shirt

Product Placement Friday #11: Ready Brek

I honestly thought they'd given up making Ready Brek, so I was surprised to see that it's still being churned out by the Weetabix people. Clearly they've changed the recipe to make it less radioactive, but us kids of the 70s and 80s were happy to down a bowl of nuclear slag if it kept us warm on our way to school. Kids nowadays are too soft by far.

Rapper Example (real name Elliot John Gleave) was born in 1982. His guest on the track below, Doc Brown (not the one with a Delorean, the one who recorded Equality Street with David Brent), was born in the 70s. So they're just about old enough to wax lyrical about the good old days...

I knew Elliot in the days of Ready Brek and Teletext

Never knew where we'd be shellin' next

Nowadays it's a brave new environment

Just for Example, I came out of retirement

Example & Doc Brown - Eye To Eye

Carl Barât from the Libertines was born one year after Doc Brown (1978, for those of you who're trying not to feel too old). Here he is with his other band, the one not fronted by an obnoxious junkie...

I used to have a future 

But now I don't know 

Just dependence and repentance and a Ready Brek glow

Dirty Pretty Things - You Fucking Love It

Next, how do you fancy some Scottish hip hop? You know you do...

I react like a bull to a red rag

'Til I glow around the edges like the Ready Brek man

With the heavyset slang to make many heads bang

And yi can chase yirsel for that bed tax

Stanley Odd - Chase Yirsel 

And then there's this...

The Weathermonger - Ready Brek Kid

Answers on a postcard.

Finally, here's a song from Richard Dawson about working in the civil service. It might ring a few bells for some of you...

Open your eyes, time to wake up

Shit, shower, brush your teeth, drain your cup

Wolf down a bowl of Ready Brek

Fasten a tie around your neck

All over the city we arise, arise

For a job we despise, despise, despise

I don't want to go into work this morning

I don't think I can deal with the wrath of the general public

And I don't have the heart to explain to another poor soul

Why it is their Disability Living Allowance will be stopping shortly

Little bit of politics to enjoy with your Ready Brek. That'll give you a warm glow...