TV On The Radio #9: A Question of Sport

It seems bizarre now, how much we all sat around the TV of an evening when I was growing up, watching whatever was on, even if the show in question held no interest for me. Case in point: A Question of Sport, hosted by human Spitting Image puppet David Coleman, with team captains "cheeky" footballer Emlyn Hughes and the world's least charismatic rugby player, Bill Beaumont. Why did I watch it week after week when I had no interest in sport, couldn't answer any of the questions, and had no idea who any of the contestants were, unless it was Steve Davis or Ian Botham?  

It seems even more bizarre that A Question of Sport is still going. I understand there was a bit of a scandal recently when the BBC sacked longtime presenter Sue Barker for being too old. To add insult to injury, they replaced her with 3D-printed "funny man" facsimile Paddy McGuinnes, a quizmaster who makes David Coleman look like Magnus Magnusson. You can probably guess I don't still watch it, 40 years later.

I was sure Depeche Mode must have done a song named after A Question Of Sport. After all, they did give us...

Depeche Mode - A Question Of Time

...and...

Depeche Mode - A Question Of Lust

...but clearly Martin Gore (who wrote both) isn't a sports fan. 

When this next one cropped up on my lyric search, I thought it was a song called Courting by the London "indietronica" band Grand National. (I wish I'd made that genre up as a joke.) But no, it's a song called Grand National by Liverpudlian post-punk band Courting...

It's just a question of sport, we’re all just setting the course
We're all just cracking the whip with some incredible force

Courting - Grand National

The late great Cathal Coughlan, formerly of Microdisney and The Fatima Mansions, appears to be someone else who forced himself to watch A Question of Sport...

I learned to tell jokes, 
answer Questions Of Sport, 
I would run for charity. 

Cathal Coughlan & The Grand Necropolitan Quartet - Best Say We're Not Serious

Here are three songs named after the world's dullest quiz programme (some of you may care to disagree, alternate views are permitted), each of them guaranteed to be more thrilling than half an hour guessing What Happened Next?

Whirling Pig Dervish - A Question Of Sport 

Bureaucrats - A Question Of Sport

Citizen Cain - Question Of Sport

Today's top tune comes from the world of folk though... a little bit of (historical) political commentary from Eliza's dad...

Now the first that I met when I came into land
Was the Grantham grocer's daughter
She cried aloud, "How sorry I am
There wasn't anybody here for to caught you"
She crooned in my ear like I knew she could
Her Cabinet briefing on the misunderstood
Bathed my wounds in my very own blood
Calling on the world press to support her

My Top Ten Pope Songs

Because Ratzinger has resigned.

When I first heard that Joe Ratzinger was to be Pope, I thought they meant Cliff from Cheers. Wouldn't that have been preferable...?


10. Tim Minchin - The Pope Song

Let's get the... erm... somewhat controversial one out of the way to begin with, shall we? Not safe for work, or for the easily offended. Though Tim does have a point.

9. George Harrison - P2 Vatican Blues (Last Saturday Night)

George takes his confessional - one our father, three hail marys - each Saturday night.

8. James Dean Bradfield - Say Hello To The Pope

JDB loses his girl to religion. Prayers get him nowhere.

7. North Sea Scrolls - The Papal Pagan

In the fifth scroll, Cathal Coughlan takes on an Irish junta led by Dana, Johnny Logan and Louis Walsh and tells the Vatican where to go. Not available online, but the album's a must buy. By papal decree.

6. Morrissey - Dear God, Please Help Me

Well, I had to make room for the Pope of Mope, didn't I? And as we featured I Have Forgiven Jesus quite recently, let's have this one instead. Here we find Moz walking through Rome feeling the weight of the explosive kegs between his legs...

Dear God, does this kind of thing happen to you?

5. Billy Joel - Only The Good Die Young

Billy does his best to talk a good Catholic girl into bed... she's having none of it. Banned by many American radio stations back in the 70s... not that that did it any harm.

Come out, come out, come out Virginia, don't let me wait.
You Catholic girls start much too late.
Sooner or later it comes down to fate.
I might as well be the one.
You know that only the good die young.

4. Half Man Half Biscuit - Vatican Broadside

Look it's only 33 seconds long, so you've no excuse not to listen to it.

Need further persuading? It tells the (true, surely?) story of what happened when the singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope. The Pope's response is priceless. 

Also covered by Frank Turner, which is always a good sign.

3. Shane MacGowan & The Popes - The Church of the Holy Spook

Shane asks forgiveness from the Holy Spook too. He'll be in that confessional all day...

2. Prince - Pope

You can be the president, but Prince will always be the Pope. Imagine if the Vatican actually announced him as the successor to Ratzinger? Wouldn't that be fantastic? Especially if he came out on the balcony doing this song... the opening exclamation would be worth the price of admission alone.

(This would probably have been Number One had His Holiness not banned it from being heard on the internet. I wish he'd stop that. Maybe he will, when he takes office.)

1. Elbow - An Audience With The Pope

I have an audience with the Pope
And I'm saving the world at eight
But if she says she needs me, she says she needs me
Everybody's going to have to wait, ah, ah

Guy Garvey -patron saint of romance.




Those were my favourite popes... which one do you want to see elected XVII?