Product Placement #16: Old Spice

When I was a small boy, I drank a whole bottle of Old Spice aftershave and had to go to hospital. Or so the story goes. I'm not entirely sure how this was possible, since in my memory, Old Spice bottles only allowed a few drops out at a time, so I must have been sucking on that white plastic teat for ages. You might well ask "Was Old Spice so delicious to a 3 year old that he wanted to keep on suckling that bottle till he'd drained it dry?" To which I have no real response. An easier question to deal with is, "Where were your parents?" We all know the answer to that one: it was the 70s. 

I do wonder if this early escapade put me off alcohol and stopped me joining the teenage drinkers in High School... I was vehemently tee total until I turned 21. Made up for it in the 90s, then quit at the turn of the Millennium for health reasons. Haven't touch a drop since: booze or Old Spice.

Back in the 70s, men only really had the choice of two aftershaves, as far as I can tell. It was Old Spice or Brut... which cost more, because you had to "splash it all over". Old Spice was my dad's choice back then, and it definitely had the classier advert...

The music was O Fortuna, the opening section of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, which (like many people, it seems) I always thought was used in The Omen. It wasn't, but it was later used in The X-Factor, so there's definitely a satanic connection.

My dad stopped wearing aftershave when I was a teenager. But the scent of Old Spice still takes me back to my childhood... thankfully not my trip to Casualty.

Here are some songs that mention Old Spice... none of them are about Victoria Beckham or Geri Halliwell. (That gag wouldn't have worked for Emma.) This first one is particularly apt... 

Sometimes I think about my daddy
And his Old Spice grin
Cleaned pressed shirts, and a farmers tan

Slaid Cleaves - Flowered Dresses

Time for a slightly less fragrant memory... 

I can smell his cousin's Polo mixing with his grandpa's Old Spice and the
Swedish meatballs look so tempting that his two fat aunts might even fight

Less Than Jake - Pete Jackson Is Getting Married

Wait - the smell gets worse!

And I can taste the bleach on your breath 
Covering the Old Spice and cigarettes 

Cheap Meat - Marigold Moon

The businessman beside me smelt like Old Spice and gin

The lady to the left was talking about her grandchildren

Two kids behind me were screaming for their mom

She was screaming back, I wonder how come

Arrogant Worms - Worst Seat On The Plane

I've known some arrogant worms in my time. I'm sure you have too.

Splashing on the aftershave was part of the ritual many young men performed in order to prepare for pulling... or trying to pull. 

I took a fresh pack of Luckies
And a mint called Sen-Sen
My old man's Trojans
And his Old Spice aftershave

Billy Joel - Keeping The Faith

Often it was the scent of desperation. 

There they go again,

Covered in Old Spice,

They think they will get the girls,

'Cause they smell nice!

The Toy Dolls - Dig That Groove, Baby

Still, whatever you think of Old Spice, it's got to smell better than Lynx. One more reason to treasure the good old days.

Drapes and quaff are all in place

Old Spice splashed on a fresh cut facе

Putting on a tie of the old boot lace

Creepеrs and a 30 inch waist

Fairport Convention - Shuffle & Go

Even if the Old Spice did help you find romance, there was no guarantee it'd last...

Here's a little Old Spice you can put it on your pillow
In the spot where I used to lay my head

Ricky Van Shelton - Baby, Take a Picture

And even if it did, you'd probably stop wearing it after awhile. How long then before the infidelity sets in...?

You come home all hours of the night 
The fragrance on you ain't Old Spice 

Dolly Parton - If You Need Me

You got that guilty look in your eye

And you smell like Old Spice on your skin

So there ain't no way that you can lie

Glenn Frey - Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed?

I guess in the days of Paco Rabanne, Ralph Lauren and Johnny Depp's Sausage, Old Spice is old hat. What do the young people have to say about it?

You old Old Spice wearing

Short chain wearing

Dress shoes and jogging pants wearing

Church sock wearing...

Kanye West - Mama's Boyfriend

I don't know if I have more respect for Kanye, knowing that he's sampled Billy Joel, or not. Also, "young people" - dude is 46 now. Almost as old as another artist I'll always think of as a "youngster", even though she'll be 50 next year...  

Old Spice is nice

But sweat is better

Jewel - U & Me = Love

Here's a random sprinkling of tunes that named themselves after my beverage of choice as a toddler...

Lucky Millinder And His Orchestra - Old Spice

Creed - Old Spice

I don't think that's actually the famous Creed, though to these uncultured ears, they sound pretty much the same.

Space Needle - Old Spice

And second to last, but not second to least, some rare XTC...

They sailed in the shallows now they've paid the price

The captain drank the champagne but it tasted like Old Spice

How can we free, how can we free

The ship trapped in the ice

XTC - The Ship Trapped In The Ice

But it's John Grant who wins the prize today. A year's supply of Old Spice is winging its way to Iceland... don't drink it all at once, John.

You'd better watch out sugar, 'cause I'm about to get my Old Spice on

John Grant (featuring Midlake) - Chicken Bones

There is a video for that tune, but it breaks the song up to create a (very entertaining) narrative, so I linked to the album version instead. He still gets his Old Spice on in the video though. 

 

My Top Ten Landslide Songs

Having already survived an avalanche, I thought I'd try my luck with some landslides...


10. Less Than Jake - Landmines & Landslides

If you're familiar with the work of Less Than Jake, this sounds exactly like you'd expect.

9. Slash's Snakepit - Landslide

If you're familiar with the work of Slash, this sounds exactly like you'd expect.(Not always a bad thing.)

8. Alice Cooper - Generation Landslide

From the days when Alice Cooper was the name of the band.

7. Olivia Newton John - Landslide

This video is a classic example of 80s WTF?! 

It begins with Olivia as a sexy business woman (taking off her glasses) before it goes all Hammer horror with sword fights and children dressed as ninjas and then cut-price sci-fi as Olivia tries on her old Wilma Deering costume. Hence: it is genius.

I am proud to come from the generation who grew up knowing her as Olivia Neutron Bomb.

6. Tony Clarke - Landslide

Classic slab of Northern Soul.

5. Fleetwood Mac - Landslide

Stevie Nicks wrote this after an argument with Lindsey Buckingham. See also just about every other Fleetwood Mac song: whoever wrote them, they were generally about the various band members hating each other... or shagging each other... or hating each other again.

A much-covered song... see also versions by the Dixie Chicks  the Smashing Pumpkins and Tori Amos, among others.

4. AC/DC - Landslide

I want you to put your hand in your pocket
Take ten dollars out and send it to me

Loud enough to cause a landslide in solid granite.

3. The Bluetones - Mudslide

I can't shake the feeling I've featured this song before... though god knows when. Did I do a Top Ten Mud Songs?

2. Transvision Vamp - Landslide of Love

You've no idea how close Wendy came to being Number One. Probably my favourite Transvision Vamp song, even if it does rip off the theme tune to Red Dwarf at one point. (Or maybe Red Dwarf ripped this off... I can't be bothered to check which came first.)

I'll play this for my old mate Nota Bene who always gets very excited whenever I throw any TV into these lists... though not because he's a fan of their music. I expect he'll be watching this video with the sound down again, especially since Wendy James appears to have forgotten to wear the back of her dress.

1. Manic Street Preachers - Life Becoming A Landslide

Yep, I'd forgotten how good this was too.

My idea of love comes from
A childhood glimpse of pornography
Though there is no true love
Just a finely tuned jealousy

Which one gets you slip sliding away?

My Top Ten Surrender Songs

That's it - I give up!


10. JJ72 - Surrender

JJ72: should have been bigger.

9. Bread - Sweet Surrender

Really, if you were expecting Wet Wet Wet, you really don't know me very well at all. Still, same title - much better song... and no grinning Tony Blairalike frontman. That's got to be a bonus.

8. Less Than Jake - Surrender

Apparently this is a cover of an old Cheap Trick song, but as I've never heard the original and can't pretend to know anything about Cheap Trick, you're stuck with the rather nice LTJ version.

7. Diana Ross - Surrender

Written by Ashford & Simpson. I was such a huge Diana Ross fan as a kid, I really should have been gay.

6. Swing Out Sister - Surrender

Because the 80s will live forever... on this blog at least.

5. Elvis Presley - Surrender

Another Elvis hit by the legendary songwriting duo of Doc Pomus and Mort Shuman, though the melody is based on an old Neapolitan ballad, Come Back To Sorrento. (Or so wikipedia claims.) Still, 5 million copies sold - that's some going.

4. Rainbow - I Surrender


Let's ROCK. Man, lead singer (at the time - Rainbow had about 6 at one point or another) Joe Lynn Turner had one serious haircut. I wonder if his dad ever told him how much he looked like a girl?

3. The Jam - Beat Surrender

Bullshit is bullshit
It just goes by different names

2. Bruce Springsteen - No Surrender

Who didn't learn more from a three minute record than we ever learned in school?

1. Justin Currie - No, Surrender

Adding a simple comma turns Bruce's defiant roar into a hopeless epic of resigned misanthropy. Justin hates on everyone and everything in this touching 8 minute rant... so much moaning, it takes TWO youtube videos to do it justice. It's like Nothing Ever Happened turned up to 11.

Should you stand and fight 
Should you die for what you think is right 
So your useless contribution will be remembered? 
If you're asking me I say no, surrender. 

Those were the records I'm surrendering too... but which one gets you waving your white flag?