It's Half Term, so no time for any Cynical Self Help this week. Instead, here's a Celebrity Jukebox I've been meaning to run for the last few weeks, but people keep dying and overshadowing it.
He might not be my favourite Bond, but he's certainly the best Dad Indiana Jones could have had. And he was the best Russian submarine captain with a Scottish accent I've ever seen at the cinema. When Sean Connery left us in 2020, he left a legendary legacy of roles that went far beyond Bond... The Untouchables, The Name Of The Rose, The Rock, Highlander... and let's not forget the fashion faux pas of Zardoz.
But how does the Celebrity Jukebox remember the Man Who Would Be King? Predictably, with lots of rappers claiming to be as cool as he was. Hell, even Robbie Williams tries to get in on that act...
(At least, I think that's what he was trying to do.)
Allez Allez were a Belgian funk band in the early 80s whose debut album was produced by Martyn Ware of Heaven 17 and the Human League. Singer Sarah Osborne then married Glenn Gregory and the band went their separate ways. However, as the law states that all 80s bands must reform at some point in the 21st Century, Allez Allez came back in 2019 with this. It's great, but one has to wonder if it was the final nail in the Connery coffin...
In truth, it's not the best batch of songs this feature has ever thrown up. In fact, I was getting ready to close with this, from a 90s George Martin Tribute album I got as a promo copy back when I worked in radio...
Yes, that is Sir Sean himself, doing one of the better Beatles songs in his own inimitable sh-tyle.
Fortunately, the day was saved, not by James Bond, but by The James Dean Driving Experience, a short-lived band (fondly remembered in some dusty corners of the interweb) from the late 80s. This was their final single, from 1990, which pedants will argue was still the late 80s...
Back when I worked in radio, and before the death and subsequent revelations about Sir James Wilson Vincent Savile OBE KCSG, a colleague of mine who'd worked alongside him told us a number of disturbing stories about the famous TV and radio presenter. The one that sticks in my head was that if you did anything to upset Jimmy, you'd come in to work the following day to discover that someone had defecated in your desk drawer. There were all the other, even more disturbing, rumours too... but at the time, I took them with a grain of salt. Because how could someone in such a public role get away with that stuff without being exposed? That's the question we're still asking today, and though documentaries like A British Horror Story and the new Steve Coogan dramatisation, The Reckoning, attempt to answer that question... I'm not sure it'll ever be answered to our satisfaction.
I wondered how Jimmy had been represented in popular song prior to the scandal? Did anyone suspect? Well, these comedians had clearly heard the rumours. You might say it's no joking matter, but I'm betting each of them actually wanted his crimes to be exposed and were pushing it as far as they dared on television at the time. And of course, John Lydon was banned from speaking out...
Songwriters probably had to be more careful. Though you can read between the lines on this song by The Toy Dolls...
There's not much evidence in the songs recorded before his death, to be honest. Afterwards though, the floodgates were opened...
Avalanche Party create "feral garage-punk from the wild North Yorkshire Moors, hopped up on adrenalin and amphetamines". And I'm pretty sure the song below is about Jimmy, not just because it mentions his old TV show...
Another interesting discovery today: The Cool Greenhouse. who describe themselves as "music to lose scratch-cards to". Clearly Sir Jim haunts their dreams...
And sometimes when you close your eyes
There’s grinning Jimmy Saviles painted on your inner eyelids
Both of the above acts channel the ghost of Jimmy into dark musical nightmares. The same can't be said for Mick Trouble, who crafts a lovely jangly pop song named after Jimmy's old TV show. Not quite sure why, this only came out last year, so surely he's heard?
The most damning reaction to the whole Savilegate affair came from The Indelicates though, in my album of the year from 2017, Juniverbrecher. I reviewed it as the time thus:
The death of Little England through Brexit, parochialism and Saville. This staggering musical banishing spell urges hope.
When I was a small boy, I drank a whole bottle of Old Spice aftershave and had to go to hospital. Or so the story goes. I'm not entirely sure how this was possible, since in my memory, Old Spice bottles only allowed a few drops out at a time, so I must have been sucking on that white plastic teat for ages. You might well ask "Was Old Spice so delicious to a 3 year old that he wanted to keep on suckling that bottle till he'd drained it dry?" To which I have no real response. An easier question to deal with is, "Where were your parents?" We all know the answer to that one: it was the 70s.
I do wonder if this early escapade put me off alcohol and stopped me joining the teenage drinkers in High School... I was vehemently tee total until I turned 21. Made up for it in the 90s, then quit at the turn of the Millennium for health reasons. Haven't touch a drop since: booze or Old Spice.
Back in the 70s, men only really had the choice of two aftershaves, as far as I can tell. It was Old Spice or Brut... which cost more, because you had to "splash it all over". Old Spice was my dad's choice back then, and it definitely had the classier advert...
The music was O Fortuna, the opening section of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, which (like many people, it seems) I always thought was used in The Omen. It wasn't, but it was later used in The X-Factor, so there's definitely a satanic connection.
My dad stopped wearing aftershave when I was a teenager. But the scent of Old Spice still takes me back to my childhood... thankfully not my trip to Casualty.
Here are some songs that mention Old Spice... none of them are about Victoria Beckham or Geri Halliwell. (That gag wouldn't have worked for Emma.) This first one is particularly apt...
Sometimes I think about my daddy And his Old Spice grin Cleaned pressed shirts, and a farmers tan
I don't know if I have more respect for Kanye, knowing that he's sampled Billy Joel, or not. Also, "young people" - dude is 46 now. Almost as old as another artist I'll always think of as a "youngster", even though she'll be 50 next year...
But it's John Grant who wins the prize today. A year's supply of Old Spice is winging its way to Iceland... don't drink it all at once, John.
You'd better watch out sugar, 'cause I'm about to get my Old Spice on
John Grant (featuring Midlake) - Chicken Bones
There is a video for that tune, but it breaks the song up to create a (very entertaining) narrative, so I linked to the album version instead. He still gets his Old Spice on in the video though.
Last week, we looked at songs that mentioned Corrie. But what about the characters in Corrie? Some of them have been around so long, or made such an impact on popular culture, that they too have been immortalised in song. Let's start with Weatherfield's longest serving resident, the only one who's been there from the very start...
Ken Barlow
At 91 years of age, William Roache is in the Guinness Book of Records as the longest-serving television star in a continuous role. Which just goes to prove that charisma is not a prerequisite for TV success. Here's Harry Hill's reverential tribute...
My name is Ken And I will see you on Monday, Thursday and Friday Mountains may crumble, Rivers may run dry, But I will always be here For I am your friend - Ken!
Ray Langton - saw him off Len Fairclough - never stood a chance Mike Baldwin - ha ha, Poor Mike.
Elsie Tanner, Hilda Ogden, Ena Sharples - all gone Yet I remain...
But the last word on Ken has to go to Nigel Blackwell, who always fancied himself as the frontman of American indie band Sebadoh... sadly, it was not to be.
I could have been like Lou Barlow But I’m more like Ken Barlow
From Ken, we obviously have to go to his long-suffering spouse, Deirdre. Ken and Deirdre got married twice - firstly in 1981, a day or so before Prince Charles married Princess Di. More people watched the fictional marriage. Their second marriage, in 2005, happened the day before Charles married Camilla. Again, more people watched Ken & Deirdre.
The biggest upset in the Ken and Deirdre's marriage was when Deirdre had an affair with rag trade J.R. Mike Baldwin. The Toy Dolls are still recovering from the trauma...
The Band Name Of The Week award goes to Bleeding Heart Pigeons. They're from Ireland and appear to be named after Luzon, an actual breed of pigeon that has a big red patch on its chest, also known as a "stabbed pigeon".
I can almost smell the burning It's all overloading The plot goes in circles and the Characters are possessed Deirdre throws a trifle across the room Richard drives in a river screaming 'I love you' Small trifles coalesce Into one big mess And it's fucked up
Pat Phoenix was, of course, one of the show's iconic Grand Dames...
Elsie Tanner
So iconic that Elton John placed her at the end of a very distinguished list...
Marlene Dietrich Marilyn Monroe Brigitte Bardot Doris Day Billie Jean Samantha Fox Joan Collins Kiki Dee Katharine Hepburn Vivian Leigh Grace Jones Priscilla Presley Vanessa Williams Dusty Springfield Nancy Reagan Rita Hayworth Petula Clark Julie Andrews Superwoman Annie Lennox Mata Hari Anouska Hempel Shirley Temple Tallulah Bankhead Linda Lovelace Little Eva Natassia Kinski Princess Caroline of Monaco Miss Pat Verness Elsie Tanner
It always made me laugh when you heard Jean Alexander talk in real life, how posh she was.
Now... which Coronation Street character do you think I found mentioned in more songs than anyone else... if it's not one of the big names above? Rita? Gail? Jack and Vera Duckworth? Sadly, I couldn't find anything for any of them. No, the true Queen of Corrie (according to the TV On The Radio Jukebox, anyway) is...
Ena Sharples
Look, life is very intricate, when you're in the crowd
Jeymes Samuel is Seal's younger brother. He makes music under the moniker Bullitts. He was born in 1979, one year before Ena Sharples left Coronation Street for good. So he must have been watching the show at a very young age...
Even younger that The Bullitts though is Connecticut "Indie Rapper" Armando Acevedo II, aka Sketch Tha Cataclysm. The mind boggles as to where he came across the name Ena Sharples, although he does pronounce her first name "Enna", which makes me think he's just done a google search for words that rhyme with metacarpals.
Our final Ena mention comes from Richard Jobson and Stuart Adamson in a glorious punky list song that celebrates a number of Corrie (and Crossroads) stars, including Annie Walker and Stan Ogden, while Hilda, Bet and Eddie Yates get a mention on the Peel Sessions version. But the chorus belong to one man and one man only...
Albert Tatlock
So the last word goes to Albert... but being the sole focus of a chorus by The Skids is not this Corrie character's greatest claim to pop immortality. Oh no! Because actor Jack Haworth, who played Albert for almost a quarter of a century, was also responsible for the spoken word introduction on this...
For somewhere between ten and fifteen years of my life, I watched Coronation Street religiously. It was just you did. To be fair, it was only on twice a week back then, rather than every night and twice on Sundays, or whatever it is nowadays. I saw the lorry crash into the Rover's Return and the fire a few years later that nearly burnt the pub to the ground. I saw Brian Tilsley stabbed outside a nightclub and Alan Bradley hit by a tram while chasing after Rita in Blackpool. I saw Deirdre Barlow have her affair with Mike Baldwin and Ken's terrifying reaction (William Roache almost had to act that day!). And then I discovered Brookside and Corrie seemed twee in comparison. That's the thing with soap operas - one minute you're addicted, the next you're onto the next drug. It's funny though - I just mentioned the big tragedies that happened on the Street while I was watching it... but it seems they happen on a weekly basis these days, rather than once every few years. At least that's the impression I get from the front cover of the TV Times.
Coronation Street's been on TV for 63 years now, and particularly in the 60s, 70s and 80s, everybody watched it. So if you were a pop star growing up in those days, it's no wonder you might have dropped a reference into one of your songs.
We'll start today with a new discovery. Michael Knight. How could I not love a band named after the hero of Knight Rider, as played by The Hoff? Furthermore, this is from an album called I'm Not Entirely Sure How I Ended Up Like This. Which seems apt. It's not the easiest listen, but there's something about it I liked enough to buy their entire discography from Bandcamp, so I'll let you know about the rest of their output...
I suppose I’ll soon tire of her charm Unless first she grows tired of me Our love will shine eternally Though I guess there’re her gossip mags And her beloved TV It’s time for Coronation Street
Next up, the always-worth-a-listen Clifford T. Ward, who also likes to name-drop himself, with the T. included...
She likes her television 'Crossroads', 'Coronation Street' And Robin Day's bow tie She likes the quiz shows Where people win a lot of money And that makes sense to her She likes to listen to the radio Music, Clifford T., She says he's nice He's flattered
No wonder the aliens never come to visit. They probably think we'll push them down the stairs and then hide their body in a disused building site round the back of the Rover's.
Richard Thompson sees TV as the new religion...
Jerusalem on the Jukebox, they talk in tongues on Coronation Street Heaven help the Pharisee whose halo has slipped down to his feet A thousand satellite comedians have died for your sins Jerusalem on the jukebox, little angels, beat your wings
...while Stephen Randall is doing his best to get on Product Placement Friday...
Wake me up with cup of Tetley A slice of Hovis Eggs, bacon and beans But the rain is falling down It's falling down, it's falling down On Coronation Street
The army occupy Ireland, but the boot will never fit. Was it Coronation Street? Or was it Londonderry? Oh it doesn't fucking matter, Paul Daniels'll keep us merry.
Not fans then, boys? Not like the Toy Dolls anyway, who seem obsessed with Corrie...
Sitting watching Coronation Street You decide to put your feet up, just about comfy in your seat And she says, I'm feeling hungry If she sends you out for a bag of fish'n'chips You'll know it is time to say
That's just one example. We'll look at another next week.
Laurie Shaw is one of those musicians I discovered through doing features such as this. He reminds me of Jarvis at times. He has (according to Bandcamp) released over 100 albums. The ones I've heard are all worth a listen, but I doubt I'll ever have time to hear them all.
I was ill with jealousy All through Coronation Street But then I was fine After a bit, I was alright
Redhouse Gasoline are from Finland. Yet they appear to know quite a bit about British culture...
When Cynthia’s eyes met Reg’s He felt just like he’d known her for ages His chat-up line was really short and sweet Said she was glamorous enough to be on Coronation Street She never did her GCEs Her mum got sick she had to work at the factory All she ever wanted was for someone to hold her At the pictures late one night Reg slipped his arm round her shoulder
All of which leads us to Billy, still banging on about the British press...
If this does not reflect your view, you should understand That those who own the papers also own this land And they'd rather you believed In Coronation Street capers In the war of circulation, it sells newspapers Could it be an infringement Of the freedom of the press To print pictures of women in states of undress?
Those are the best songs I could find that mentioned Coronation Street by name. However, there are many more which mention some of the street's iconic residents. Next week, we'll take a listen to some of those. I've got quite a few stacked up, but if you know of any songs that namedrops a legend from the street, do let me know.
The McMurtry Spéirling "electric hypercar" can go from 0 to 60 in 1.4 seconds, faster than any other car on the internet. No, I wouldn't have known that either.
Last time I did a Top Ten Elephant Songs, more than 7 years ago (not that I'm running out of ideas or anything), Charity Chic complained that I hadn't included The Toy Dolls. There! Happy now?
Confession time: I've never seen today's TV show. It aired in the late 60s, before I was born, and I don't recall it ever being repeated in the 70s. Which is odd, considering all the other 60s shows I watched throughout my childhood.
Fortunately, George is old enough to remember it... so I let him do the hard work.
Today we’re off to southern Africa. Almost. Well, California, with a few film shots from Mozambique. Yes, it’s Daktari. First, here’s the opening sequence of the programme...
A pedant would ask why an Indian elephant was in southern Africa. However, a concerned young boy (and now a concerned retiree) would be much more worried that the elephant was injured, but luckily was on its way to hospital. An intrigued young boy would wonder at how the animal doctor was cuddling a cheetah, whereas a retiree would wonder at how Billy (the male farm cat) would never allow himself to be thusly molly-coddled and would instead try and claw your hand off. But just look at how magnificent Clarence is, ferrying about the female star of the show!
I can remember nothing at all about the programme (well, so much for my theory! - Rol), apart from Clarence. I’m not even sure if it was ever broadcast in Scotland in the early 1970s, maybe my memory of it dates to the late 1960s, assuming it was broadcast in England at that time. But what's not to like about it? Caring for wild animals! Taking on baddies who mean wild animals no good at all! Injured wild animals recuperating and living a happy life! Different species of wild animals intermingling happily without eating each other! There’s more than one lesson for us all in this programme… and more than one pop song that mentions Daktari.
Earlier shepherds came and talked about … The Shend Concubine mortuary Daktari wallpaper
The spoken interruptions remind me of a Velvet Undergound song. I also think that this Half Man Half Biscuit song might be the only time you’ll hear Junior Kickstart mentioned in a pop song. As for The Shend, I’ve no idea what/who that is.
(I'll be honest and say that I thought it was probably a range of hills - since Nigel Blackwell has a habit of name-dropping topography in his songs. However, the interweb tells me otherwise: "The Shend is the founder and frontman of cult Dadaist jazz-punk band, The Cravats." - Rol.)
The Proclaimers, a year older than me, seem to be able recall much more of the late 1960s than I do in this song (they also refer to someone called Jimmy Clitheroe).
Mother’s Pride on the table, Batman on TV A Man in a Suitcase, and Daktari and Skippy
(Mother’s Pride, Misters Reid, not a proper Scottish plain loaf?)
And now some enjoyable nonsense from The Toy Dolls...
Dynasty or Daktari, a broadcast by the Tory party Celebrity Squares, Blind Date, who cares, I'll watch it…
There are more than a plethora of French-language songs that refer to Daktari but none about the TV programme.
And finally: someone is so obsessed with the programme, they’ve written a blog about it!
That’s not me using a pseudonym: mine would be something far more exotic.
Thank you for another day off, George. I learned today that Daktari is the Swahili word for doctor. I also found an early 10,000 Maniacs song named after the show... but it's probably coincidence.
The best tribute I've read to Sir Roger Moore came from The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw, who concluded: "The Connery Bond was feared and admired... but the Roger Moore Bond was loved."
Roger Moore was the Bond of my childhood, and he will always be my Bond. Yes, those films might seem cheesy and corny now, they certainly don't have the grit of Connery, but they have a lot more warmth. And let's face it: Bond is essentially a ludicrous character. He works if you play him with a raised eyebrow (and no one had better eyebrows than Roger Moore), but take him too seriously and he becomes an unpleasantly violent, misogynist killer with little regard for the lives of innocents... which pretty much sums up the last two Daniel Craig films for me.
Sir Roger's first starring role on TV was in a BBC children's series based on Sir Walter Scott's Ivanhoe. Way before my time, but probably not before Jeff Lynne's...
Bank job in the city Robin Hood and William Tell And Ivanhoe and Lancelot They don't envy me...
Apparently, Roger felt "a complete Charlie riding around in all that armour and damned stupid plumed helmet".
I know lots of people can't do with Robbie's cheeky chappie routine, or his humongous ego... but I find both quite endearing... in small doses... because I really don't think he takes himself at all seriously. Just like Sir Roger...
Y'all know who I am I'm still the boy next door That's if you're Lord Litchfield and Roger Moore...
I tried to avoid songs that just reference James Bond for this chart: there are loads of them and I wanted my tribute to be more about Roger than his most famous role. However, The Toy Dolls do mention Roger (and Sean) in this ridiculous cartoon punk song, so...
Roger wasn't just Bond. Here's Paul Draper name-dropping the role that made him famous... The Saint.
You've got more halos than Simon Templar You've said more Betty's than Frankie Spencer Your gun is bigger than Captain Scarlet's Your face is covered in cheap mascara
As if Robbie Williams wasn't bad enough, let's further irk the musos with a pure slice of noughties piano pop. In my defence, Scouting For Girls may be annoyingly catchy, but they don't really sound like anything else that's been successful in the 21st Century. In fact, they remind me of Gerard Kenny...
Since I was a boy I wanted to be like Roger Moore A girl in every port, and gadgets up my sleeve
In which Gaz Coombes gets trapped in a cloud with an eclectic selection of heroes, including Peter Cooke, Oscar Wilde, Marvin Gay, Joan Of Arc, David Banner... and good old Rog.
When asked why he thought Amy had included him in the lyrics of her hit single, Roger quipped that she must have wanted a word that rhymed with 'door'... or couldn't think of one that rhymed with 'Connery'.
By the time I'm out the door, You tear men down like Roger Moore...
Originally released in 1986 (yes, Pulp were around back then: this was just before their second album), just after my Bond hung up his Walther PPK for good. Roger Moore apparently hated guns and was often quoted, post-Bond, saying how he hated the way the franchise glamorised "men with guns". Maybe that's why he played up the comedic elements of the character. And I'm sure that's why he appealed to Jarvis, who always likes a good Roger...
I know a woman with a picture of Roger Moore In a short towel and dressing-gown pinned to her bedroom wall She married a man who works on a building site Now they make love beneath Roger every Friday night... oh!
1. Wings - Live & Let Die / Carly Simon - Nobody Does It Better
The two best Bond themes of the Moore era, from the band The Beatles could have been and the lady who found clouds in her coffee...
Now put your clothes on and I’ll buy you an ice cream.
This week, I thought we'd pop down the supermarket. This is Volume 1 because it's about specific supermarket chains. More generic supermarket songs will follow...
Sadly, I couldn't find any songs about Morrisons, Waitrose or Ocado...
Neil Young has written so many songs, there will come a time when he runs out of subject matter. Here's one about a shopping trolley... from the same album on which he wrote a song about a Piece of Crap. Great album though.
B-side of The Wild Ones, one of my favourite Suede singles; this actually sounds like the stuff Brett would release when he went solo a few years later. I saw him play live during that tour and it was a very special, slightly rakish, king of night.
And like the birds we'll fly tomorrow And like the birds we'll fly From your Asda Town Never coming down 'Cos they're take, taking it away
I'd like to see Asda use this in their Christmas TV ad this year. Sod Take That.
Possibly stretching the idea of a concept album beyond its natural elasticity, but when Polly Jane kicks out on her latest album, she's as good as ever.
Teenage Winter is possibly my favourite Saint Etienne track. Sarah Cracknell could read a shopping list and make it sound amazing. Plus, Bob Stanley really does love old records... as much as we do. This song is about the death of pop music as a physical object for teenagers to cherish. Once you get that, it's one of the most heartbreaking songs you'll ever hear...
Mums with pushchairs outside Sainsbury's Tears in their eyes They'll never buy a Gibb Brothers record again Their old 45s gathering dust The birthday cards they couldn't face throwing away Teenage winter coming down Teenage winter coming down
Still in Sainsbury's, we find Mrs. Gaiman flashing back to the time she
was dating Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs. He gave her a Leeds
Utd. jersey as a pressie. She lost it.
But who needs love when there's Law and Order?
And who needs love when there's Dukes of Hazard?
And who needs love
When the sandwiches are wicked
And they know you at the Mac store?
No,
the Mac store is not a supermarket. But I can't mention this song
without quoting that chorus, because I love it. As for the
supermarket...
Sure, I admire you
Sure, you inspire me, but you've been not getting back so
I'll wait at the Sainbury's
Countin' my change, making bank on the upcoming roster
I'm guessing maybe Ricky took her down the Leeds Sainsbury's one time too. He knows how to spoil a girl, that Wilson lad...
I give Weller a hard time on this blog occasionally... but when he's on form, no one can touch him...
A whole street's belief in Sunday's roast beef Gets dashed against The Co-Op To either cut down on beer or the kids' new gear It's a big decision in a town called Malice
See also Saturday's Kids: Saturday's girls work in Tesco's and Woolworths! (Not anymore, sadly.)
1. TESCO:Half Man Half Biscuit - L’Enfer C’Est Les Autres
I had to give this One to Nigel Blackwell because not only
does he use that gloriously misinterpreted quote from Sartre as his title
(sadly, Jean-Paul wasn't quite being as misanthropic as Nigel and I might
wish), but also because this track contains (among various other hilarious
ramblings) perhaps the best Half Man Half Biscuit line ever... via Johnny Cash,
of course.
I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die
From the top HMHB album 90 Bisodol. What else do you need to
know?
Some people don’t know how to walk on the pavement these days
Well it’s not that difficult, there’s hardly a whole host of waysHere they come, love’s young dream, arm in arm, approaching me Now, I’m not looking for your smile I’m just asking for some single file But it’s not forthcoming so I have to assume That this narrow path belongs to you And therefore you must beThe Duke of Westminster and his good lady wife So, I tell you what, I’ll just walk in the road How about I just walk in the road? You stay as you are, and I’ll just walk in the road
How about that first verse? Is it just me...?
Other Top Tesco songs (I could have done a Top Ten, but I'm
waiting for the sponsorship deal to kick in) came from Lily Allen (LDN), The
Pogues (Rain Street*), King Krule (Easy Easy) and Glass Animals (Life Itself).
*Careful, that one's a bit rude.
Which one gets your custom? Whichever you pick, it's still 5p for a carrier bag...
