Snapshots #438: Euphemisms For... S-E-X... Songs

This is Chubby Checker. In 2013, he was forced to sue a leading IT company for promoting an app that used his name as a euphemism for measuring the size of one's manhood. The app was withdrawn.

Here are 15 songs that could well be euphemisms for nookie.

15. Danced for Patrick Hernandez.

Before she became famous, she was a backing singer and dancer for the French disco star.

Madonna - Hanky Panky

14. Scotland bar vandal gets his comeuppance.

"Scotland bar vandal" was an anagram.

Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

If you've never seen the video before, I urge you to give it a click. These days, we're so used to seeing pop stars singing about sex... but these guys look so wholesome, surely they were waiting till they were married?

13. Dustbin Wagon Americano.

Dustin Wagons are made by Dennis. An Americano is a coffee.

Dennis Coffey - Congress Six

12. Slow horse is such a sweetie.

Have you watched Slow Horses yet? If not, you don't know what you're missing. Gary Oldman plays Jackson Lamb... and he's luscious!

Luscious Jackson - Deep Shag

That might be a song about carpets. I'm not sure.

11. That time Elton came back and stayed.

(Elton) John and Paul Young, who sang Come Back And Stay.

John Paul Young - I Wanna Do It With You

10. Droopy-nosed flock.

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time

9. Live with Mr. Las Vegas, on the loo.

Liv' is short for Olivia. Mr. Las Vegas was Wayne Newton. A loo is a John.

Olivia Newton-John - Physical

8. We're all lost inside Grampa's Telstar obsession. 

Grampa's Telstar obsession

The Pastels - Ride

7. Needs an A to boogie.

DNCE - Cake By The Ocean

That's what the young people are calling it these days, apparently.

6. Sounds like a video game, second prize on the Golden Shot.

The video game would be Sega. Second prize on the Golden Shot might be the Silver Bullet.

Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - Night Moves 

Worth watching that video for an early appearance by Joey from Friends.

Or, a little less subtle...

Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - The Horizontal Bop

5. Rebel Without A Chris.

James Dean was a Rebel Without A Cause. Chris Martin, without the Chris, would be...

Dean Martin - Wham! Bam! Thank You, Ma'am!

4. Nike, round the bend.

Nike Air, but curved.

Curved Air - Screw

3. Wayne.

Rooney - Jump In My Bed

2. Found washed up on Liberty Shores.

"Liberty Shores" was an anagram.

Isley Brothers - Between The Sheets

1. Henry, Wendy, Skip.

Henry James, Wendy James, Skip James.

James - Laid

Get your minds out of the gutter next Saturday morning for something far more wholesome.

Snapshots #370: A Top Ten Songs About Lost Cities

This weekend, we explored ten legendary cities, lost to the sands of time. I'm surprised we didn't bump into Indiana Jones while we were there...

10. He made three dollars.

The composer of the soundtracks for Sergio Leone's Dollars trilogy, starring Clint Eastwood. He also ventured to this lost city in Colorado...

Enio Morricone - Mesa Verde

9. Rabbit, something you bear, Jodie Foster movie.

Peter the Rabbit, you bear the brunt, Jodie Foster was in Nell. 

Peter Bruntnell - Camelot In Smithereens

8. Misspelled Mongol.

It's not Genghis Kahn, it's...

Dschinghis Khan - Machu Piccu

Apologies if you'd have preferred this...

The Strokes - Machu Piccu

7. From Grace.

No one wants a Fall from grace...

The Fall - Theme From Sparta FC

6. Wheeler's band - Fall Guy - Madonna, Miley, Mariah (initially) - monstrous wife.

Tim Wheeler's band is Ash. The Fall Guy was Lee Majors (not that Ryan fool). Madonna et al. are MCs. Frankenstein's monstrous wife was The Bride.

Ashley McBryde - El Dorado

5. Yellow, Turquoise, Juniper.

Three song title colours from...

Donovan - Atlantis

4. Once indoors, an unbelievable mix-up occurs.

"Once indoors, an..." was an anagram...

Sinéad O'Connor - Troy

3. Revolutionary prison.

Bastille - Pompeii

2. Don't get stuck in them. 

The Ruts - Babylon's Burning

1. No Joel? That'll cause a stir.

"No Joel" was an anagram of ELO and ONJ. 

Olivia Newton John & ELO - Xanadu

Rediscover Snapshots next Saturday.

Snapshots #296: A Top Ten Dolphin Songs

I wish I could swim like dolphins, like dolphins can swim. But the closest I got was the huge inflatable dolphin I clung onto during my earliest swimming lessons, while I was also wearing armband, a foam rubber float, and reaching out for the hooked pole the swimming teacher was offering from the side of the pool. And still I sank. I did eventually learn to swim, but my mum swears the instructor had a nervous breakdown first.

Here are ten songs about dolphins...

10. Ivan, Joni, Elton... how?

All one big anagram!

Olivia Newton John - The Promise (The Dolphin Song)

9. Hunter, like a Girl in a Ring.

Ian Hunter + Brown Girl In The Ring...

Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys

8. In concert.

They were Live.

Live - Dolphin's Cry

7. Henry... and Cher.

Henry Rollins + Sonny & Cher =

Sonny Rollins - On Green Dolphin Street

6. Polar fortnight.

Polar bears are iced. There are 14 days in a fortnight.

14 Iced Bears - Like A Dolphin 

5. Attributed to Tony Stark's dad.

Tony Stark was played by RDJ - Robert Downey Junior. His dad was RDS. If something was attributed to his dad, it would be BY RDS.

The Byrds - Dolphin's Smile

4. Colourful coat found in Jarvis's college.

Joseph wore a coat of many colours. Jarvis went to St. Martin's College, where he met a girl who studied sculpture.

Martyn Joseph - Dolphins Make Me Cry

3. Secret kids in a hut.

The Secret Seven get trapped in a Shed.

Shed Seven - Dolphin

2. A Playboy and a Diamond.

John Fred had a Playboy Band. Add that to Neil Diamond and you get...

Fred Neil - Dolphins

1. Far from stern, that is.

The bow on a boat is at the far end from the stern. That is = i.e.

David Bowie - Heroes

Swim back here next Saturday for more of the same...

Neverending Top Ten #5.1: Chester

Sam and I had our annual Boy's Only Getaway last week, and as we've done York twice now (last year and two years ago, with only house arrest in the Covid Summer), this time we chose to visit Chester. I've never been before and I was pretty impressed. Chester seems to play more on its Roman heritage than York's obsession with the Vikings, and we enjoyed our visit to the Dewa Discovery Centre (where Sam was inducted into the Roman Army by a Centurion who informed us that there were only 80 soldiers in a Century... which forced me to do a little digging) and Sick To Death (a new attraction focused on the history of medicine, although much of it involved poo and wee, which made Sam very happy). The Romans had proper sewage systems, unlike the savages that followed them.

We also went to Chester Zoo (which I'll save for another post) and did a Treasure Trail that took us all around the town, from the Cathedral to the Roman Ampitheatre and down to the river, where we avoiding taking a boat trip on the Lady Diana. 

As it's Olivia Newton John Week here on My Top Ten, here's her song for Sam...

Celebrity Jukebox #20: Olivia Newton-John

I find it hard to believe that hundreds of songs have not been written about Olivia Newton-John. Anyone who was a teenager in the late 70s and became a pop star in the 80s should have written a tribute. The boys because they were in love with her, the girls because she was such a powerful role model.

For example, Juliana Hatfield recorded an entire album of Olivia covers. And it was a truly great record...

 

Olivia was also occasionally saddled with the "hilarious" nickname Olivia Neutron-Bomb. A nickname that inspired both a professional pillow fighter (thanks, the internet), a musical artist who needs a better publicist as I can't find any information about them at all online, and the following tune from a defunct Glaswegian indie band... 

We Are The Physics - Olivia Neutron Bomb

But what about the lady herself? Well, there weren't nearly as many lyrical tributes as there ought to have been. But here's a handful of note...

Helen Love - Sandra Dee

I gotta tell you you're the one that I want

They laughed when he

Called you Sandra Dee

They never had a clue

You'd be in Xanadu

If anyone was going to pay tribute to ONJ, it had to be Helen.

Busta Rhymes - Do My Thing

Y'all, you need to sing my song

With your similar features like Olivia Newton-John

That's a bit of a rap mouthful right there.

The Beautiful South - I May Be Ugly

When you feel like London

And you look like Hull

You think Travolta pulled Newton, John

Who did John Hurt pull?

Robbie Williams - Eyes On The Highway

For every second that I wasted, every secret that I told

Every lie I've ever whispered to everyone involved

I couldn't be more sorry about how I got things done

I just want to be John Travolta to Olivia Newton-John

Sham 69 - Sunday Morning Nightmare

Me dad don't want me coming home late from the disco

And me mum doesn't want me hanging around with the lads

Me brother thinks he looks like John Travolta

And me sister thinks she's Olivia Newton John

Summerled - Travolta

When you got them tight pants on

Like Olivia Newton-John

Travolta he's got nothin'

Cuz he don't move like I do

Momus - Akiko Masuda

Supercar baseball Abraham Lincoln

Newton John stripe individual projection

801 orange planet tape recorder vinyl bear

And the shirts we wear

Transonic Florida cheerleader set

Ballpoint boyfriend sticker club pet

Shades of Plastic Bertrand from the former Scottish music journo turned J-Pop afficionado.

Avi Vinocur - Minneapolis 1982 (But Maybe I'm Wrong)

Summer’s longer when you’re young

Whatever drugs you’re on

I think in June we overdosed

And saw The Wrath of Khan

I swore to god thе girl in front

Was Olivia Newton John

We tried to find hеr manager

And I woke up in the lawn

Laurie Shaw - Sophistication

She says “he bought me a drink and said we should do shots together

Well I don’t know, he’s nice and all but I much prefer Trevor

With his kind-of shy demeanour”

“Ah, yeah, but his dad’s a mentalist”

She says “I don’t care, I want to get myself into this

Oh, how I’d like to lose myself to him, he is the one I know it”

She says “Well if he’s the one

Then I’m Olivia Newton John”

And then she says “Ciara? Won’t you roll a fag for me?

I’m going to make him want me, come on ladies, let’s do

Sophistication

Blimey - he's listened to a lot of early Pulp. In a good way.

The Fauves - L.A. '86

LA '86 I quit my diet

And sitting idle

My weight ballooned

Called up Olivia Newton-John

She gave me a job

Selling Akubras at Koala Blue

OK, perhaps I found a few more than a handful. Apart from the Beautiful South and Helen Love tracks, they were all new to me... and with the exception of Busta Rhymes and Robbie Williams, they all bear further investigation. Particularly Avi Vinocur and Laurie Shaw.

However, the song I had in mind when I started this post is the one below. Batley Bob got out the steel drums for this tribute / critique of the 80s workout video craze led by Jane Fonda and soundtracked by Olivia's Physical.

You want her attention

Well you'll have to wait

She's in the gymnasium

Reducing weight

In shorts of a leotard

Despite her age

The girl's gonna exercise

Your life away

Sister don't you jog it all away

Sister don't you run it all off

Sister don't you jog it all away

Sister don't you rough it all up

Hey Olivia Newton-John

What you say?

Hey Olivia Newton-John

What you say?

My Top Ten Olivia Newton-John Songs

Even Godesses aren't immortal.

Farewell, Olivia. Thanks for the memories...

(I put this together pretty quickly last night, as soon as I heard the news. Most of the songs are the obvious choices. I may have to do another ten some time to prove just how much we've lost.)

10. Magic

On the surface, this is a standard early 80s disco hit. But then the minor chords keep hitting and... it's really quite chilling. And what a voice.

9. Mary Skeffington

A Gerry Rafferty composition, on which Olivia once again proves herself a singer on par with Karen Carpenter. And how many people can claim that?

Remember a holiday in a north-of-England town

You slept in a room upstairs on a bed of eiderdown

8. My Old Man's Got A Gun

You don't mess with Olivia. We all knew this. 

7. A Little More Love

Where did my innocence go, indeed?

6. Xanadu

One of Jeff Lynne's best songs... and a video that's out of this world.

5. Totally Hot

Here's a song that, had it been recorded by just about anybody else, it would have seemed egotistical. Not Olivia though.

4. Please, Mr, Please

Don't play B17.

3. You're The One That I Want (with John Travolta)

Steady on. Watching this now makes me feel both very old and very young at the same time.

2. Physical

I was nine when Physical came out. Far too young to understand what any of this was about. And yet, when I saw this video on Top of the Pops...

1. Summer Nights (with John Travolta)

I was six when Grease came out. Far too young to understand what any of this was about. And yet, when I saw this video on Top of the Pops...

Rest in peace, Miss Newton-John.

Snapshots #184: A Top Ten Magic Songs

What connected all the songs on yesterday's Snapshots quiz, Paul?

"That's... magic!"

10. Library woman in disarray.

"Library woman" is a wonderful anagram for old Manly Barrimore...

Barry Manilow - Could It Be Magic?

9. Like 10CC and Pearl Jam. (Ick.)

I won't spoil your Saturday morning by explaining the connection too graphically, suffice it to say their names all come back to the same point of origin...

The Lovin' Spoonful - Do You Believe In Magic?

8. Not involved with The Female of the Species.

The 90s band Space sand about The Female Of The Species.

20 odd years before that though, there was a French band with the same moniker...

Space - Magic Fly

And that's where Daft Punk got their act.

7. Wild German dog.

Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Ride

6. Boob drug? Oh!

It was an anagram!

Bob Dorough - Three Is A Magic Number

5. Discovered gravity on the loo.

Isaac Newton, on the John.

Olivia Newton John - Magic

Some great minor chords in that.

4. Steal a duck.

Nick a drake!

Nick Drake - Magic

3. Army (under another name) eats home-made Sunday dinner.

Another name for army might be limb-y.

Homemade Sunday dinner is family cooking.

Limmie & The Family Cooking - You Can Do Magic

2. Dangermouse. Krypto. Champion.

They're all Super Furry Animals, of course.

Super Furry Animals - God! Show Me Magic

1. Victoria.

Queen Victoria, obviously.

More magic next Saturday.