Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.
15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.
The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.
I think it's fair to say that Raquel Welch must be the oldest actress I've ever featured here. After all, she has been acting since One Million Years BC.
When Stephen King wrote the novella that The Shawshank Redemption was based on, the poster on Andy DuFrense's cell wall was Rita Hayworth. In the movie, to better show the passage of time, he has three posters: Hayworth, Marilyn... and the iconic image above of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC, surely one of the most famous posters ever printed... after that one of the tennis player scratching her arse. Iffypedia tells us "Welch helped transform America's feminine ideal into its current state", a statement which is as questionable as it is disputable. To her credit, Welch herself once said, "I was not brought up to be a sex symbol, nor is it in my nature to be one. The fact that I became one is probably the loveliest, most glamorous and fortunate misunderstanding".
Whatever you think of Raquel Welch, it's fair to say that poster may well have decorated the bedroom walls of many of the songwriters below...
Not actually about Raquel Welch, just a girl with the same first name as her. However, Ms. Welch does get a mention... and extra points for rhyming her surname with "squelch".
(In case you're wondering, Gruff did his research. Raquel's parents are Bolivian daddy Armando Carlos Tejada Urquizo and Irish mummy Josephine Sarah Hall.)
OK, so those are the only songs I found with Raquel in the title. What about lyrical nods?
Oh, look, here's a song with Two Parts! You have to scroll through to the beginning of Part 2, around the 4 minute mark, to hear a brief reference to Raquel... but I think it's just a playful nickname for Freddie's co-singer.
Loana was the name of the character Raquel played in One Million Years BC. Clearly they're not Christian fundamentalists, otherwise they'd be rubbishing the film's depiction of dinosaurs which, clearly, never existed.
Oh, and here's our token Mark Kozelek track for this week...
Similar lines. Like how in Stop Me you can hear how it might be a dance song but one of the good things about it is it's restraint. Similarly, Street Spirit sounds like it could be a bombastic metal song but shouldn't.
I just spent 5 minutes investigating Sting and Shaggy duets on youtube. Sadly no covers.
When I was a teen, this compilation album started that is still going. Punk goes pop. It's not bad but incredibly mediocre. Very cut and paste pop punk covers.
It was very varied. Wang Chung did Modest Mouse, it was great. Punch Brothers covered Reptilia. Lots of stuff.
Pinball Wizard... The Who or Elton?
Elton.
Despite being raised on Mod music, I do not understand the love for The Who.Great riffs, awful songs.
I spent a full two weeks listening exclusively to Isle of Wight and still didn't get it
Love me some Elton, though. And the Elton John biopic is the best biopic out there.
I like The Who. But you chose right. Elton brings a manic nature to the song that takes it to another level.
My dad, who is now 91 and so grew up with Sinatra, pre-pop music, and has never had any interest in any pop music... had a brief flickering of interest in The Who a few years ago because he liked all the CSI theme songs. Then he caught a bit of them playing Glastonbury and changed his mind.
You really need to watch Joe Pera. There's an episode where he discovers Baba O'Reilly...
Yes. You showed me that. I just couldn't find the show anywhere.
Just checked, Joe Pera on All4. 10 minute episodes. Gentle and honest. Literally the perfect Covid comedy.
And I thought Jimmy spent all his time messing about on boats. Turns out he also hangs around in libraries, looking for love...
She gathered her books, walked while she read Words never spoken but so much was said You can read all you want into this rendezvous But it's safer than most things that lovers can do
He started to woo her in the most peculiar way The librarian's dress was a fawner shade of grey The books he was to borrow he would surely never read They had an intellectual calibre he hoped that she would see
Daddy drives the mobile library. He works peripatetically. He doesn't get much time to play with us So we just read and make up stuff. And it drives him round the bend, Me and my imaginary friend.
You can search the whole library for another song that features the word "peripatetically"... good luck in finding one.
Tuesday she works in the library uptown Some useful knowledge can always be found Don't burn the library till you've read all the books Sometimes in life you get a second look
Not a band that were known for their great literary offerings, but they sure could bang out a tune.
1. Nick Cave - There She Goes, My Beautiful World
Name-dropping the most famous librarian ever and notorious parent-abuser...
While Philip Larkin, he stuck it out
In a library in Hull
Any librarians filed in your stacks? Dewey decimal placings will be required.
Mondegreens. Misheard lyrics. You'll find them all over the internet, but here are ten GENUINE ones from my past. I honestly thought these were the actual lyrics... until finally, often many years later, I discovered the truth.
Possibly the earliest mondegreen I ever encountered... or at least, the earliest one I can remember. She just can't get enough chicken, love. I still hear that today...
This is one of the ones you'll see a lot on websites that discuss mondegreens. Most of the other examples they quote sound preposterous to me, apart from Bohemain Rhapsody's famous "Beelzebub had a devil for a sideboard". But this... this was exactly what I thought Madonna was singing in 1986. Apparently, a lot of people also thought the opening line to this song was the racially offensive, "Last night I dreamt of some dago". Poor old Madonna. Enunciate, luv.
Young girl with eyes like the desert
I'm having a hard time accepting Madonna will be 60 this year. Bad enough that Kylie just turned 50.
I've been planning this particular Top Ten for a while now and whenever I heard a song from my youth with a lyric I just couldn't explain, I had to go and check out the real thing. I swear I always thought Andy Bell was asking for Martin Scorcese's number in this song. I have no idea why.
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover
Now I've read the real lyric, I can't even hear the Martin Scorcese bit anymore. It's gone.
Enough what, Michael? Stamps? Airmail stickers? Postal Orders? (Do they even have Postal Orders anymore? Probably not. Another archaic item from our past.)
For many, many years it always baffled me how The Bloke Out Of Boston (do you know his name?) could possibly see his own backside if he was walking away. Was he looking over his shoulder into a mirror? Wasn't he looking where he was going? Accident waiting to happen, right there...
You might wonder why Meat was such a big fan of Our Cilla... I certainly did. Then again, BOOH was written by Jim Steinman, who is officially BARKING MAD, so why shouldn't he throw in a reference to Cilla? Maybe he was after a blind date...
I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,
On a Silver Black Phantom Bike
When I found out the real lyrics, I was just as confused? Is that a Black Phantom bike that's painted silver? Or is it Silver-Black? What the hell is Silver-Black, Jim? Is that even a colour?
1. Elvis Costello - The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes
These may not be as amusing as some of the ones above, but they speak to how I spent a large part of my late teens and early twenties: headphones on, sat beside the stereo, listening to Elvis Costello albums and trying to write down the lyrics. There were never any lyric sheets in Elvis's records and the way he spat and twisted and punned his way through the language was endlessly fascinating... but also a little frustrating when I just couldn't work out what he was singing. Even now, almost 30 years later, I can still remember the time I spent puzzling over this one song in particular...
"Our love got fractured into echo and suede"
Our love got fractured in the echo and sway
"But since you got in my pumps, you just suspend my sentence"
Ever since you got me punctured this has been my sentence
Fortunately, the greatest lyrical couplet this song has to offer was clear as a bell...
Oh, I said, "I'm so happy I could die"
She said, "Drop dead" then left with another guy...
Your turn! There must be a misheard lyric or two in your back catalogue. Do share.
French indie dream-pop band Tahiti 80 give us our image this week... but which 80 song will be the winner?
Lots of you thought I might have to go down the 1980 or eighties route, but I managed to get away with avoiding the year (or the decade!) again this week. Still, good suggestions from...
However, I'm going to ignore all of those, I'm afraid... because I have to go classic this week.
The song Around The World was written for the 1956 movie Around The World In 80 Days and recorded by lots of the usual suspects, including Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole. The track was also recorded by Diana Ross & The Supremes (under the film's full title of Around The World In 80 Days) in 1965 for an album that wasn't actually released until 2004.Anyway, here it is... I can't ever resist the Supremes...
This is the first time I've ever edited a Top Ten after publishing...but shortly after posting it for the first time earlier this afternoon, Simon popped up in the comments and pointed out the most egregious ommision I have ever made. I've forgotten great songs before when compiling Top Tens, but I've never neglected a glaringly obvious Number One before. Well, I just couldn't let it stand. So let's try this one again...
Ten songs dedicated to hard-working waitresses everywhere.
The image above is the cover to the Felice Brothers' album Favourite Waitress... but sadly, there's no song to go with it.
Special mention (as it's getting close to Christmas) to The Waitresses...
Leave it to Loudon to describe the horrors a real waitress faces every night...
She's been on her feet nearly half the damned night
Bringing your beverage and your late night bite
She remains cheerful, when you're nasty and tight
Makes change for a 50 in dim candlelight
Ignoring the groping, hoping you might
Come across with a tip and sympathize with her plight
Tip that waitress!
A sage warning from the brothers who weren't Chinese (not sure they were brothers either... were there even 5 of them?) about never falling for that smile the waitress gives you...
In her tight uniform with a low-cut neck
And the way that the grease mixes with her sweat
She smells as good as the inside of a new Corvette
She fits your dreams like a baseball glove
And when she smiles at you, that's when you realize
That's not the way she smiles at all the other guys
You see her sneak a peek from behind the pies
She's a waitress, and you're in love
The
title track from Stuart Murdoch's most outrageously "pop" album (he
even hired Trevor 'Buggles' Horn to produce). Lyrically, it's the usual
Murdoch mix: equal parts melancholic whimsy and 'the sun'll come out
tomorrow' pipe dreams.
Any excuse to play some Fountains. This is one of the most laidback tunes in their repertoire. Reminds me a bit of Steely Dan, yet it's still unmistakably FOW.
OK, it's a shameless Prince spoof from a sitcom soundtrack album... but that doesn't stop it being one of my favourite songs of the last 15 years. The musos would have you believe that the above disqualify it from contention. I firmly disagree. This song makes me smile every time I hear it. In that alone, it's on a par with Wichita Lineman...
You're so beautiful... You could be a waitress You're so beautiful... You could be an air hostess in the 60s You're so beautiful... Well, you could be a part-time model (But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job)
I'd probably have made it Number One, but I wanted to save it up so I could use it again on my Top Ten Flight Attendant Songs*, Model Songs, and Beautiful Girl Songs...
(*And if you're wondering where Waitress In The Sky by The Replacements is (Miller), there's your answer.)
Taken from Don Henley's first album in 15 years, Cass County, which is a damned fine record. Proof, if proof were needed, that he can still tell a great story... and sing it with the voice of a weary angel.
Three waitresses all wearing
Black diamond earrings
Talking about zombies and Singapore slings
No trouble in their faces
Not one anxious voice
None of the crazy you get
From too much choice
The thumb and the satchel
Or the rented Rolls-Royce
And you think she knows something
By the second refill
You think she's enlightened
As she totals your bill
You say "show me the way
To Barangrill"
...apparently inspired by a stop-off at a late night gas station where the attendant started singing to her (when she wouldn't sing to him).
11 months on and Stay Gold is still my favourite album of 2014. (I'm currently considering this year's Top Ten... a tough selection process!) This is one (of many) stand out tracks, a song about wishing you could run away and start over somewhere else, with a sly nod to Cyndi Lauper.
And yes, First Aid Kit were originally Number One on this countdown. Until Simon pointed out the obvious... 1. The Human League - Don't You Want Me?
One of the great songs of the 80s? Apparently Phil Oakey thought it was a substandard filler track and didn't even want it releasing as a single (particularly as the album it came from had already spawned three hits and he thought the record buying public was "sick of the Human League"). It went on to become the 23rd best-selling single in UK chart history - and a Christmas Number One to boot.
Sheffield has a lot to answer for... although the video was filmed in Slough.
You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar When I met you...
Please don't leave a tip. I don't deserve one this week. Just don't tell me I forgot another classic waitress song...
It begins with Olivia as a sexy business woman (taking off her glasses) before it goes all Hammer horror with sword fights and children dressed as ninjas and then cut-price sci-fi as Olivia tries on her old Wilma Deering costume. Hence: it is genius.
I am proud to come from the generation who grew up knowing her as Olivia Neutron Bomb.
Stevie Nicks wrote this after an argument with Lindsey Buckingham. See also just about every other Fleetwood Mac song: whoever wrote them, they were generally about the various band members hating each other... or shagging each other... or hating each other again.
You've no idea how close Wendy came to being Number One. Probably my favourite Transvision Vamp song, even if it does rip off the theme tune to Red Dwarf at one point. (Or maybe Red Dwarf ripped this off... I can't be bothered to check which came first.)
I'll play this for my old mate Nota Bene who always gets very excited whenever I throw any TV into these lists... though not because he's a fan of their music. I expect he'll be watching this video with the sound down again, especially since Wendy James appears to have forgotten to wear the back of her dress.
1. Manic Street Preachers - Life Becoming A Landslide
Yep, I'd forgotten how good this was too.
My idea of love comes from
A childhood glimpse of pornography
Though there is no true love
Just a finely tuned jealousy
So, there's a new album out from The Dame. And from what I've heard of it (admittedly only the first two singles so far: the album's still in the post), it sounds pretty spiffy. Since I already did My Top Ten Bowie Songs... here's some other people paying tribute.
There's an underlying bitterness to this lyric that appeals to me. Tori's boyfriend blames her for the fact he's never made anything of his life, so she hits back...
...but I am not the reason you are not David Bowie...
Amy's tribute to a legendary Scottish music venue... wishing she saw The Laughing Gnome there.
And when the night turns to day And the lights they fade away I wish that life and love would pass me by And when the band stops a song because there's something going on Well there is magic in the air I swear. And I wish that I saw Bowie, playing on that stage I wish that I saw something, to make me come of age.
Enough people believe this is about Dave's first missus that it merits inclusion. Plus, it's a great song. And no Mars Bars were hurt during the recording of this track. That's just apocryphal.
1. Flight of the Conchords - Bowie
A tribute and pastiche in one, though no other record on this list does justice to the unique insanity of the "freaky old bastard" behind Major Tom, Ziggy Stardust and the Thin White Duke... I like to think he'd approve.
Do you have one really funky sequined space suit, Bowie,
Or do you have several ch-changes?
Got any about-Bowie songs you want to share with the class?
