TV On The Radio #18: The Hitman & Her

Remember when there were only four TV channels to choose from and you had to watch whatever was on at the time (unless you had a video recorder in your bedroom, and really, who lived in a house with more than one video recorder?). 

I was a teenager in the late 80s, and a bit of a night owl. I would often stay up late on a Saturday, watching old Universal horror movies or whichever Psycho sequel ITV were showing that week, but there came a point when most of the other channels closed down for the night and I was still awake... so the only option left was The Hitman & Her.

I know a lot of my contemporaries would watch this show after returning home from a night clubbing, and in that regard it was the perfect thing to broadcast at 2 o'clock in the morning. But for anyone who hated clubbing, despised Pete Waterman (in my head, he belongs in the same category as Peter Stringfellow and half the Radio One DJs who were investigated by Yewtree) and found dance music said nothing to them about their lives... well, it really was time to go to bed. In fact, the only redeeming factor to the show was Michaela Strachan... although every week, I did find myself asking what the hell she was doing there? I hope she was well paid.

Scouting For Girls - Michaela Strachan

Here's some Laurie Shaw, who has featured here before. Always worth a listen...

And then you wanted to get wild
Michaela Strachan style
But I think your dad gets his ideas
From “Plain Facts For Old and Young” 

Laurie Shaw - Rollover

(You'll be glad to know - well, I was, anyway - that I couldn't find any songs that mentioned Pete Waterman by name.)

"Why the hell are you writing about a TV show you despised?", you may well ask. Blame my good blogging friend SWC / Barry Stubbs (other pseudonyms have probably been used) over at No Badger Required, who reminded me back in June that the track at the end of this post features, "possibly the best song to ever mention naff 90s late night telly series ‘The Hitman and Her’." (You've no idea how glad I was that he considered it naff too.)

To be honest, I thought / hoped that the track in question would surely be the only one to mention this dreadful two hours of TV (which ran for a mind-flaying 4 and a bit years). Then I discovered this song about coming home late from the pub and still thinking you need more alcohol...

My fridge is full, it's tinnies heaven
Grab a four pack and a few tins more
On with the telly, slump on the floor
The Hitman & Her, I thankfully missed
Who gives a sod? I'm totally pissed

Lawnmower Deth - Tinnies Heaven

Overall, it seems no one has a good word to say for The Hitman & Her. (Unless you know different...)

I don't know what you think of this country
But I think that it's going to be bad
Happy shopper ecstasy, Bingo with Jesus
The Hitman & Her - Christ! I feel as though I'm going mad!

I should point out that there are 78 complete episodes of The Hitman & Her available to watch on youtube. Your. Life. Is. Too. Short.

Snapshots #300: Songs About Elvis

To celebrate Saturday Snapshots turning 300, we had a big party at Top Ten Towers last night. I cracked open the Ocean Spray, necked a couple of Paracetamol, and stayed up till at least 10.31. Feeling a bit worse for wear today, but it was worth it.

Here are 30 songs about Elvis...

30. University head has a lot of bills to pay.

The Dean is owing a lot of people.

Dean Owens - Elvis Was My Brother

29. Why aren't they twisting?

Known for Twisting By The Pool, it has to be...

Dire Straits - Calling Elvis

28. Crockett, needs a Minder. 

Sonny Crockett was in Miami Vice, George Cole needed a Minder.

Sonny Cole - I Dreamed I Was Elvis

27. Collects Bibles, Journals and Postcards.

The Holy Bible, Journal For Plague Lovers and Postcards From A Young Man are three albums by the...

Manic Street Preachers - Elvis Impersonator: Blackpool Pier

26. When Rooney met Isaac.

Wayne Rooney meets Isaac Newton. 

Find me another blog that has the Manic Street Preachers followed by Wayne Newton.

What do you mean you don't want to?

A song based on a note Elvis wrote then threw away in 1976, during his last stay at the Las Vegas Hilton. Newton, who was friends with Elvis in his later years, bought the note in 1991 for $13,200 at a Sotheby's auction.

Wayne Newton - The Letter

25. Zuckerberg gets a softer finish while Leonard loses an E.

Marc with a C, Cohen without an E.

Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis

24. World Champion, on the wall. 

Danny was the Champion of the World. 

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall...

Danny Mirror - I Remember Elvis Presley

23. Vera E. Smacks Guys.

Anagram!

Kacey Musgraves - Velvet Elvis

22. Elton sounds like two cymbals on a pedal stand.

John + Hihat...

John Hiatt - Riding With The King

21. Wireless person.

Human Radio - Me And Elvis

20. It's a short month, directed by Scorsese.

"Jan" is a shortened month. Martin Scorsese directs.

Janis Martin - My Boy Elvis

They tried to market her as "the female Elvis".

19. Half vicious lion, half hissing eagle.

A griffin is half lion, half eagle.

Hissing Sid & Sid Vicious.

Sid Griffin - Cadillac Elvis

Or you could have had...

Sid Griffin - Elvis Presley Calls His Mother After The Ed Sullivan Show

18. Guides.

Scouting For Girls - Elvis Ain't Dead

17. Former miner.

He's been a miner for a Heart of Gold.

Neil Young - He Was The King

16. Almost Moonstruck, but won't propagate.

Nic Cage was in Moonstruck. Bad Seeds won't propagate.

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Tupelo

15. Purple bloke gets mixed up and refuses to pay his debts.

Ian Gillan was in Deep Purple. Mix his name up a bit and you almost get Gillian. If you won't pay your debts, you are welching.

Gillian Welch - Elvis Presley Blues

14. Bumpy Celine.

Anagram!

Public Enemy - Fight The Power

13. Compete at King's College, inside.

Compete at King's College, inside.

Pete Atkin - Apparition in Las Vegas

12. What you might say if you wanted to invite Kay and Z round for a casual chat.

Pop in, Jays!

The Popinjays - Vote Elvis

11. Self-confessed hobo, jogging from an early age.

"Tramps like us, baby we were born to run..."

Bruce Springsteen - Johnny Bye Bye

10. Let's talk LFC. Do they have the answers?

Let's talk LFC.

KLF - Elvis On The Radio, Steel Guitar In My Soul

9. Exonerating mix-up.

"Exonerating" was an anagram.

Generation X - King Rocker

8. Nobody cares for this Smith.

Patti Smith is loveless.

Patty Loveless - I Try To Think About Elvis

7. Children of Florence.

The Nightingales - Elvis, The Last Ten Days

6. His Battenberg was sopping.

That's what happens when you leave your cake out in the rain.

Jimmy Webb - Elvis And Me

5. Loved by her dad from the first time he ever saw her face.

Daughter of Ewan MacColl, who wrote The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.

Kirsty MacColl - There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis

4. West Side gang outcry.

The Jets were a gang in West Side Story.

The Screaming Jets - Elvis (I Remember...)

3. Do you like Alan?

Nah. My lessons would be much better without him in there.

Do you like Alan?

Nah. My lessons would be much better without him in there.

Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

2. Tina Needs Baseball.

Anagram!

Belle & Sebastian - A Century Of Elvis

Classic.

1. One Simple Little Dicky Bird.

One little dicky bird was named Peter, one was named Paul. The Simple (Simon) one.

Paul Simon - Graceland

Snapshots #301 will be here next week. Start getting excited now.

My Top Ten Roger Moore Songs

The best tribute I've read to Sir Roger Moore came from The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw, who concluded: "The Connery Bond was feared and admired... but the Roger Moore Bond was loved."

Roger Moore was the Bond of my childhood, and he will always be my Bond. Yes, those films might seem cheesy and corny now, they certainly don't have the grit of Connery, but they have a lot more warmth. And let's face it: Bond is essentially a ludicrous character. He works if you play him with a raised eyebrow (and no one had better eyebrows than Roger Moore), but take him too seriously and he becomes an unpleasantly violent, misogynist killer with little regard for the lives of innocents... which pretty much sums up the last two Daniel Craig films for me.


10. ELO - Can't Get It Out Of My Head

Sir Roger's first starring role on TV was in a BBC children's series based on Sir Walter Scott's Ivanhoe. Way before my time, but probably not before Jeff Lynne's...

Bank job in the city
Robin Hood and William Tell
And Ivanhoe and Lancelot
They don't envy me...

Apparently, Roger felt "a complete Charlie riding around in all that armour and damned stupid plumed helmet".

9. Robbie Williams - The World's Most Handsome Man

I know lots of people can't do with Robbie's cheeky chappie routine, or his humongous ego... but I find both quite endearing... in small doses... because I really don't think he takes himself at all seriously. Just like Sir Roger...

Y'all know who I am
I'm still the boy next door
That's if you're Lord Litchfield and Roger Moore...

8. The Toy Dolls - James Bond Lives Down Our Street

I tried to avoid songs that just reference James Bond for this chart: there are loads of them and I wanted my tribute to be more about Roger than his most famous role. However, The Toy Dolls do mention Roger (and Sean) in this ridiculous cartoon punk song, so...

7. Mansun - Moronica

Roger wasn't just Bond. Here's Paul Draper name-dropping the role that made him famous... The Saint.

You've got more halos than Simon Templar
You've said more Betty's than Frankie Spencer
Your gun is bigger than Captain Scarlet's
Your face is covered in cheap mascara

6. Scouting For Girls - I Wish I Was James Bond

As if Robbie Williams wasn't bad enough, let's further irk the musos with a pure slice of noughties piano pop. In my defence, Scouting For Girls may be annoyingly catchy, but they don't really sound like anything else that's been successful in the 21st Century. In fact, they remind me of Gerard Kenny...

Since I was a boy I wanted to be like Roger Moore
A girl in every port, and gadgets up my sleeve

5. Supergrass - Prophet 15

In which Gaz Coombes gets trapped in a cloud with an eclectic selection of heroes, including Peter Cooke, Oscar Wilde, Marvin Gay, Joan Of Arc, David Banner... and good old Rog.

4. The Kinks - Daylight

Being one of the greatest chroniclers of the English disease, it's inevitable that Ray Davies should namedrop Roger at some point...

Middle-aged bankers crack their backs and wish they were young and in their teens,
Lonely spinsters dream of dating Roger Moore or Steve McQueen.

3. Amy Winehouse - You Know I'm No Good

When asked why he thought Amy had included him in the lyrics of her hit single, Roger quipped that she must have wanted a word that rhymed with 'door'... or couldn't think of one that rhymed with 'Connery'.

By the time I'm out the door,
You tear men down like Roger Moore...

2. Pulp - 97 Lovers

Originally released in 1986 (yes, Pulp were around back then: this was just before their second album), just after my Bond hung up his Walther PPK for good. Roger Moore apparently hated guns and was often quoted, post-Bond, saying how he hated the way the franchise glamorised "men with guns". Maybe that's why he played up the comedic elements of the character. And I'm sure that's why he appealed to Jarvis, who always likes a good Roger...

I know a woman with a picture of Roger Moore 
In a short towel and dressing-gown pinned to her bedroom wall
She married a man who works on a building site
Now they make love beneath Roger every Friday night... oh!

1. Wings - Live & Let Die / Carly Simon - Nobody Does It Better

The two best Bond themes of the Moore era, from the band The Beatles could have been and the lady who found clouds in her coffee...




Now put your clothes on and I’ll buy you an ice cream.