What is it about Sting that makes us love to take the piss out of him? Is it his lyrics? (Who else could rhyme cough with Nabakov? Or ask us, with a serious face, if the Russians love their children too?) Is it the fact that he claims his name was derived from the jazzy yellow and black pullover he used to wear? Is it because he was one of those teachers who thought all the girls fancied him? Is it all the great work (he tells us) he does for charidee? Is the tantric sex? Or is because he's such great mates with Bono? Whatever the reason, Sting has been a figure of ridicule for as long as I can remember. But let's face it, he's one of a kind.
Isn't he?
STING #1
Guitarist Dave Howman and drummer Gavin Dare were the main songwriting team behind London glam-wannabes Sting in the mid-70s. Howman later went on to write music for Monty Python, One Foot In The Grave and the TV adaptation of The Wind In The Willows, as well as forming Melody Maker's 1983 "Band Of The Year", The Boyfriends.
STING #2
Hey ladies! Don't you ever wonder how Sting does it in the shower? Well, here's your answer from 1978 and the The Disco Corporation of America!
STING #3
Next, some Aussie proggers, also from 1978, with a lyric I'm sure Mr. Sumner would be extremely jealous of...
Hey, Mr. Blind Man, Tell me what you see Can you picture flowers? Can you look out to the sea?
STING #4
And now... the main attraction. Unlike Bono, I don't hate Sting. I even think some of the stuff he did with the Rozzers is excellent - particular So Lonely and Can't Stand Losing You, before too much of the cod-Reggae influence crept in.
Solo though... I can't say he's written many songs that have leapt out of the radio at me. I had a look down his singles chart history and there was a lot of aural wallpaper. In fact, the only solo track I really like is his debut single (probably because he didn't write it), from the soundtrack of the movie version of Dennis Potter's controversial play Brimstone & Treacle, in which Sting "acts".
Which Sting spreads a little happiness for you... and which Sting has you reaching for the calamine lotion?
I'm thinking of starting a feature on the blog called Conversations With Ben.
Part of me doesn't want to tell you this because I don't want you acting up for the cameras, but I figure it's pretty sleazy to not ask your permission, and also you might sue me for using your intellectual copyright or something.
Since your guest post, most people are convinced I made you up anyway.
Ben:
I don't act up for anyone. My wit is and always shall be as sharp as those 70s pencil sharpeners on the teacher's desk that mangled the pencil. Use whatever, I'm not precious about what's said or used. I don't say anything I don't stand behind, and even when joking, there's not enough identifying info out there that people could use to discredit me. So go for it.
As I know you have a penchant for Mr Lewis. It's actually really well done the whole way through...
James Hetfield sees that and realises how his whole life has been a sham. Look at what you could have won...
They could make a new supergroup. Better Be True mixed with Nothing Else Matters.
Well, the News do need a new singer now that Huey has been struck down with Menieres. Which I still consider a tragedy. Meanwhile, Sting is fine.
Is he really, though?
I sat through The Bee Movie with Sam the other day. Awful. Sting had a cameo.
The only adequate thing Sting ever did was be The Face in Quadrophenia. And that was amateurish at best.
I've always thought that was the best thing Sting did as a solo artist. It's a cover version, originally featured in the soundtrack to the movie Brimstone & Treacle, and for many years was very difficult to track down as it never appeared on any Greatest Hits collections (despite being a #16 hit in 1982, long before The Police split). The version I had came from an 8 track cartridge at the radio station where I used to work, recorded onto a CD-R. The lengths we used to have to go to to find music!
5. Nazi brothels like Russ Abbott.
Joy Division were named after a nazi brothel in the novel House of Dolls.
Dreadful 80s comedian Russ Abbott had a hit with a song called Atmosphere. It wasn't this song... but (thanks to Jez, who I think initially made me aware of it) the two were scarily amalgamated in the video below...
Once seen, never forgotten. Here's the original, without the frightening visuals...
Something a little bit different this week - the battle of the song titles! One song says it is, the other song says it's NOT. Which will win? Well, I'll name my winners... feel free to disagree!
Happy New Year from Top Ten Towers. After all the excitement of my 2015 countdown, we now return you to your regular programming: random Top Tens plucked from my record collection. Although the first tune this week kinda breaks that rule.
2016 is a leap year, which means there's one extra day. But although February will now have 29 days, there will be no 8 day weeks... no matter what the Beatles would have you believe. All of which is an extremely tenuous way of introducing this lot...
I was genuinely surprised to discover that there is NO Sting in my record collection. And, as this blog will often demonstrate, I have some UTTER TAT in my record collection. But no Sting. Yeah, I've got The Police, and a few random collaborations, but not one solo Sting tune. I'm not quite sure why. I mean, yes, I do consider him a bit of a tosser, but it's not as though I actively dislike him in the way I actively dislike Bono or the Gallaghers. (And I own music by all three of those idiots.) My favourite Sting song is his version of Spread A Little Happiness from the soundtrack to Brimstone & Treacle, but sadly (some kind of rights issue?), this has never featured on any Sting compilations... otherwise I might have been tempted to buy it.
Anyway, Sting's Seven Days is perfectly adequate Radio 2 filler, and it would have been churlish not to have given it at least a mention once I remembered it.
Frank Black might help re-establish my indie credentials a little. This doesn't sound anything like the Pixies, but it's unmistakably Black Francis. Strange, that.
When Camper Van Beethoven called it a day, David Lowery decided to play it a little more straight with his next band, Cracker. But the old lyrical oddities still crept in...
Bug's got a job in the Catskills
Met some Fraulein along the way
Took her home, but then she had an episode
Though it did disturb him, he was strangely compelled
Hours isn't a classic Bowie album, but this track wouldn't have been out of place on Ziggy Stardust. The guitar certainly has a Mick Ronson flavour. And even though the title doesn't mention days, the chorus does...
I've got seven days to live my life Or seven ways to die...
Feeder were always a band I kind of half-liked (always loved the singles) but I never bought any of their albums. My newfound love of charity-shopping (inspired, in part, by Charity Chic's excellent blog) has increased my Feeder collection greatly. All for a quid a pop! And they say CDs are dead...
Anyway, this one was obviously made for the US market. It's not a spiky as many of their earlier tracks, but the chunky, Blink 182-esque guitars are fun.
Freddie had a typically flamboyant way of playing the piano, perfectly demonstrated on the intro to this John Deacon-written album track from the 1978 album Jazz. I've got a lot of time for John Deacon, he seems the only surviving Queen member to have kept his self-respect intact, refusing to get involved in any of the band's ridiculous post-Freddie shenanigans.
Taken from the soundtrack of the justly forgotten 1986 "comedy" Club Paradise starring Robin Williams, Peter O'Toole (who was nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor) and Jimmy Cliff himself. Not sure how they roped Elvis in, but the song still works well. I reckon Elvis's voice was at its absolute best around the mid-late 80s and it blends well with Jimmy's here. I first heard this as a bonus track on the special edition one of my favourite Costello albums, Blood & Chocolate.
A cover of the old Northern Soul song by Chuck Wood from 1967... and Chuck's is a pretty damned good version... but I just love me the Dexys. This is from their first ever album, which will soon be 36 years old.
Such facts make me feel ancient and very, very tired. A good way to start the new year.
1. Animals That Swim - Seven Days
Animals That Swim were a curiously beguiling little band formed in the late 80s, though this is from their third (and final... to date) album from 2001. They remind me a lot of the quirky, literate, real life indie written by Stuart Murdoch (Belle & Sebastian) or Shirley Lee (Spearmint). This song tells of a life counted off in ten year birthdays, beginning with my favourite kind of lyrical detail...
On my tenth birthday I danced naked on the lawn Making rain fall from a red watering can. On my twentieth birthday Slumped in the corner Wearing Rhiannon's make up and pearls Clamouring 'Give me attention, please!'
And thus it continues till the narrator abruptly expires on his seventieth, followed by a pithy observation about certain special birthdays...
It seems every time It gets easier and easier to die.
What a cheerful start to 2016! I'll see you all in 7 days. Or 6. Or 8. Depending.
Let's get the obvious one out of the way first, shall we?
Ah, Sting. Sting, Sting, Sting. It's not a bad song, it's just... like most of Sting's "issues" songs... it's about as subtle as all the bricks in the Berlin Wall piled up on top of each other in a Sting-shaped heap.
"Do the Russians love their children too?"
At least it's not written from the perspective of a Russian dog.
So
Nena lets off a bunch of (luft)balloons with her boyfriend, only they
get mistaken for missiles and BOOM. The world ends. You see how easy
these things can get out of hand?
With hindsight, this looks even more unintentionally hilarious than Sting's Russkies, I can see that. In my defence, I firmly believe Elton has a sense of humour (unlike Gordon) - which the video surely proves.
Also, when I was 13, I thought this record was heartbreaking. (Then again, when I was 13, I thought most things were heartbreaking.)
The best Beach Boys song the Beatles ever wrote. Brilliant.
Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the West behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind
From the majestic Nightfly album, Fagen's 50s flashback finds a young couple planning for their future in the cosy warmth of their backyard bomb shelter.
We've got provisions and lots of beer The key word is survival on the new frontier
If it's not love Then it's the bomb That'll bring us together...
Possibly the least cynical love song Moz ever wrote.
1. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes
I told you it was 80's tribute week. You might not like this song (you'd be wrong) but you can't argue that this is one of the greatest pop videos ever filmed...
If you're still here to read this tomorrow... leave a comment amid the fallout dust, will you?
