Tuesday 4 May 2021

Conversations With Ben #15: It's Grim Up North

Rol: This is from a local village...

Ben: One of my supervisors lives in Hebden Bridge. I'm going to forward it to him.

Ha. It is full of wankers.

Then again, so is Holmfirth.


You moved there.

You set that one up too easy.

I live in Scholes. Proper Local Shop territory, this.

You live inside Paul Scholes?

I have no idea who that is.

He played football in the 90s. My football knowledge spans a year in the 90s to the football comic "Shoot".

And to Tony Curry. Who apparently was a good Sheffield United player because every kid who had their birthday at United's ground had Tony Curry come out at the end and sign a football.

"Ooh, kids, there's a special guest soon". Always Tony fucking Curry.

And some of the kids always lost their mind.

It's like, were you not paying attention the last six birthdays we came to here?

No joke, at my parents I have a small stack of signed Tony Curry photos.

More evidence for why you need serious drugs to help you sleep.

He doesn't live in my house.

My dad's mates with this local boxer, Kell Brooks.

He took my dad to a match in the celeb suite a few years ago.

Guess who he saw there?

Tony sodding Curry

Imagine seeing this face, every time you close your eyes.

It's not fair.

I'm glad I'm not your psychiatrist.

I've been spelling his name wrong, that's how little I know. It's Currie!

Is this the boxer?

I don't believe so.

I don't know sports.

That's Kelly Brook.

Does she box?

Well, you might end up with two black eyes if you got too close to her.

This shows how many autographs he does... There's no market for it.

Got to respect that entrepreneurial spirit.

Unless you're a Marxist.

I think they keep him alive in a cupboard, feeding him pies and pints of mild. Let him out on matchday and kids parties.
It's another world.

He starts getting excited when he hears the opening chords to Annie's Song.

So do I.

But he's excited for the United version.

Means he gets to have a fresh pint of mild.

Rather than the keg they keep in the cupboard with him that's stale.

Some football gits have stolen Annie's Song!? That proper fills up my senses...

Like a greasy chip buttie...


I am never clicking that link.

I'm not saying it's any good, just showing that it exists.

I believe you. Just another reason to despair in the human race...

You're gonna love this song. Sums up your opinion...

Fair point. And I prefer that to the bastardisation of Annie's Song. 

I think you'll like the new Manchester Orchestra album from Telepath onwards. It settles back into the Americana again from that point on.

Albeit with syncopation.

If by syncopation, you mean drum machines...

I mean syncopation. I'd have said syncopated drum machines if I meant that.

Is it dance music?

No. Syncopation is just varied rhythms coming together.

At the same time.

Sounds bollocks to me.

Good Time Roll by the Cars is a good example of syncopation.

The rhythm is *off* the main beat.

The reason the term is synonymous with dance, and as such, electronic music outside of music theory is that it has to rely on syncopation to create that movement.

It forces a rhythm over melody. Cuban music in the 50s and 60s that's completely danceable is due to it having syncopated rhythm.

Don't make snarky comments about things then I won't have to give you a music theory lesson.

I used to play in a brass band, so I know what syncopation means in principle. I just wasn't sure how you were applying the term.

Please tell me it was a colliery band.

Were you in Brassed Off?

What was Pete Postlethwaite like?

How I spent my teenage years, before I got into radio. It was all very Brassed Off.

Were you trombone? Or a saxophone?

Or did you put your tall body to comedy effect with a cornet?

I have so many questions.

I played tenor horn. Mid size. There are no saxophones in a brass band.

You could have been a maverick.

Did you have a nickname?

Why would I have a nickname?

It endears the audience to the narrative.

Did you enter competitions?

Did you win?

We entered lots of competitions, but we were only the junior section of the main band. At first, anyway. By the end, I was in the main band.

Best thing was at Christmas, we went round all the pubs in the village and played carols to drunks.

Long before I drank myself.

I'm going to turn this into a film where you sit in front of a fire and tell people about your youth.

Channel Five, Bravo and Men and Motors are interested.

Well, I say Five. Five Star.

That'll be all I have left soon.

Men and Motors?

1 comment:

  1. Speaking of smut and innuendo, Monty Python did a very short (16 seconds) and smutty cover of Annie's song...



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