Tuesday, 11 May 2021

Conversations With Ben #16: Nice & Spicy

Ben: "How To Eat Smoked Salmon". 

Step one: eat it.      

Congratulations you have eaten smoked salmon. 

Rol: I hate salmon. All that swimming upstream bollocks. Bunch of show offs.

I never cared for fish or seafood of any kind before I went vegan.

Never liked the flavour.

I like fish. Just not salmon. Or trout, which gave me the worst case of food poisoning I ever had.

I could barely stand cod and pollock.

That's not art.

I audibly groaned at that.

My work here is done.

Arguably never started.

"Did I really name my fucking child Apple?"

Do I really think stars are yellow?

It's not just stars.

It was *all* yellow.

He was wearing those 90s sunglasses and forgot.

Maybe he had scurvy.




With Gwyneth as the Predator.

Except for shooting them, she tries to get them to practice potentially harmful psuedomedicine.

Just been made to watch a show called Glow Up, by Mrs. Ben, which is like Bake Off, but with make up.

Did you pick up any tips?

Not really. My dexterity is awful.

Surely you can cover that up with a nice blusher?

I have sensitive skin. It'd make me break out.

In the winter when my face gets sore and chapped I can't even use sensitive cream otherwise it makes me more sore.

And I thought I had problems.

That's why we make a good double act.

Miserable and miserabler.

I thought we were Nice n Spicy?

Rant and Wreck.

I already registered Nice n Spicy.

And Rib n Saucy.

Just in case you preferred that.

You should form a double act with the guy out of The Jam.

Ben and Weller.

Doing a Rhianna cover band?

Under my umBenWeller?

You know those couples who name their house after an amalgamation of their first names? Like Helenbob or Sheilandrew? Louise and I have them beat.


No. Our house is Lou-Rol.

I get LouRol. I get Sheilandrew.

But what the fuck was Helenbob before it was portmanteau'd?

Not portmanteau.

You know what I mean.

Helen and Bob. It's not difficult.

But you're meant to blend them. Like Brangelina.

Not just put them next to one another.

Otherwise you're just missing out the 'and'.


Anyway, visitors to our house don't wipe their feet as they come in.

I wouldn't let them in if they didn't.

Can you let me do my routine without interrupting?

I'm a pedant for making people take their shoes off.

We don't have a door mat.

Did the village kids steal it?

Oh, hang on, we do...

You're talking to him.

Your name isn't Matt.

You completely ruined that.
Unless that's another alias?

There was a good routine there and you ruined it.

Nice n Spicy strikes again.

Or Rib n Saucy. I'm happy to go with either.


  1. I don't like salmon but I do like trout. My fave fish dish is herring in oatmeal (grilled NOT fried). Absolutely yummy.

    Buy split fresh herring, wash them and pat them dry. Lay them skin side down, and sprinkle oatmeal over them. Pat it so that it sticks. Then put the fish under the grill, oatmeal side up, with little knobs of butter or margarine on top. Grill them for about 10 minutes, starting with a high heat and then lowering it.

    (Wanders off singing "If I can help somebody as I pass this way, then my living shall not be in vain")

  2. Is it just me having visions of a Pete & Dud or Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones head to head conversation?

  3. Two doors down we have a house called Janber - And why not. Think you should call your one Rolo though. Let's hope it will be the 'last one' (for a while anyway - you have a habit of moving a lot).

    Is anyone else still reeling from the revelation that Lynchie's favourite fish is a grilled herring in oatmeal, and that he called it yummy. I am inspired, so thanks for the tip Lynchie.


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