Back to Richard Herring's Emergency Questions, and this week we're asking for your darkest confessions...
Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?
Now clearly there are a lot of people in this world right now who might want to assassinate a certain orange demagogue... although I'm sure most of us realise that doing so would only make a martyr of him, and that's the last thing anyone wants. Better to let such people die on their own swords, methinks.
Dixie Nightingales - Assassination
I also feel I should clarify that I don't condone murder, even the murder of complete tosspots, and I'm sure none of the good folk who waste precious minutes reading this guff once or twice a week condone it either. Still, there are, I'm sure, some people out there in the world who you definitely feel would be deserving of a good slap. So have you ever been in a position to administer such an admonishment... and had to hold yourself back?
The Builders - Daytime Assassins
I can think of two such occasions...
The first came back in the late 90s when I had the misfortune of going to see Oasis at Sheffield Arena. Now It's no secret that I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the Gallagher brothers and their brand of plodding, humourless, psuedo-Beatles Brit-rock. With that in mind, you may well wonder how I ended up at one of their gigs? All I can tell you is that this was during my radio days, the tickets were free, and my mate was a much bigger fan of the Brothers Dim, so I was persuaded that it might be a good ticket to have in my scrapbook. A couple of years earlier, when the lads were just starting out, that might well have been true. However, this was the Be Here Now tour, and all I can remember of that travesty was that they had a red phone booth on the stage. (A little research reveals that even Noel Gallagher now admits Be Here Now was a bag of shite. Whereas Liam says it's his favourite album. Make of that what you will.)
The support act that day were Travis. Now I know what most of you think of Travis, but let me tell you this: They blew the Swaggerlers off the stage. I can't have been the only one in the audience who thought so. In fact, Liam Gallagher himself even came out to watch them... and herein lies my tale.
We had pretty good seats in the arena. Front row, just above the tunnel. There were no seats below us, that area was fenced off for the sound guys. And that's where Liam came to watch Travis. He walked out directly beneath us, stood by the sound desk for a few songs, then mooched back into the tunnel. And this would have been my moment. At the time, I confess (and it's not a particularly nice confession), I briefly considered spitting on his head. It's lucky I didn't have a brick at hand. I mean, imagine if I had... I might have denied the world that Beady Eye record. It doesn't bear thinking about...
Marc Almond - Come in Sweet Assassin
Comedy is a very subjective thing. What I might do a LOL at, you might roll your eyes and breathe a deep sigh. And vice versa. With that in mind, I take on board the idea that some of you might consider the comedian Michael McIntyre worthy of the space he takes up on this earth. I certainly do not.
Charlotte Gainsbourg - Time Of The Assassins
That aside, the one trait I find off-putting in celebrities and commoners alike is arrogance. Hence my disdain for Frank & Betty Gallagher, and the intense irritation I feel whenever I see Michael McIntyre's smug mug on the TV. Imagine then, coming across that detestable countenance in real life. The horror!
Such a thing occurred the last time Louise and I visited That London. This might have been about 15 years ago. We were staying in the leafy borough of Hampstead, and one day were were mooching around the shops when we heard a loud, braying voice in the street behind us. A voice that chilled our blood.
There he was, the so-called "funny" man himself, large as life, peacocking down the road with his mobile phone pressed to his ear, talking loudly to his agent (or some other amenable sycophant), loud enough so that everyone could hear, so that everyone would look, so that nobody could fail to notice that they were in the presence of "greatness".
Gold Frankincense & Disk Drive - Character Assassinator
I'm not a violent man. I've never thrown a punch in my life. But it's no exaggeration to say that Louise had to physically restrain me that day. McIntyre got off lightly.
Flaming Lips - Assassination Of The Sun
Thank God I've never been in the same room as Bono. I'd be serving ten to life right now. Either that, or somebody would have given me a medal. Maybe both.
Anyway, there were lots of songs about assassination... but this was today's obvious winner.
