Back to Richard Herring's Emergency Questions, and this week we're asking for your darkest confessions...
Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?
Now clearly there are a lot of people in this world right now who might want to assassinate a certain orange demagogue... although I'm sure most of us realise that doing so would only make a martyr of him, and that's the last thing anyone wants. Better to let such people die on their own swords, methinks.
I also feel I should clarify that I don't condone murder, even the murder of complete tosspots, and I'm sure none of the good folk who waste precious minutes reading this guff once or twice a week condone it either. Still, there are, I'm sure, some people out there in the world who you definitely feel would be deserving of a good slap. So have you ever been in a position to administer such an admonishment... and had to hold yourself back?
The first came back in the late 90s when I had the misfortune of going to see Oasis at Sheffield Arena. Now It's no secret that I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the Gallagher brothers and their brand of plodding, humourless, psuedo-Beatles Brit-rock. With that in mind, you may well wonder how I ended up at one of their gigs? All I can tell you is that this was during my radio days, the tickets were free, and my mate was a much bigger fan of the Brothers Dim, so I was persuaded that it might be a good ticket to have in my scrapbook. A couple of years earlier, when the lads were just starting out, that might well have been true. However, this was the Be Here Now tour, and all I can remember of that travesty was that they had a red phone booth on the stage. (A little research reveals that even Noel Gallagher now admits Be Here Now was a bag of shite. Whereas Liam says it's his favourite album. Make of that what you will.)
The support act that day were Travis. Now I know what most of you think of Travis, but let me tell you this: They blew the Swaggerlers off the stage. I can't have been the only one in the audience who thought so. In fact, Liam Gallagher himself even came out to watch them... and herein lies my tale.
We had pretty good seats in the arena. Front row, just above the tunnel. There were no seats below us, that area was fenced off for the sound guys. And that's where Liam came to watch Travis. He walked out directly beneath us, stood by the sound desk for a few songs, then mooched back into the tunnel. And this would have been my moment. At the time, I confess (and it's not a particularly nice confession), I briefly considered spitting on his head. It's lucky I didn't have a brick at hand. I mean, imagine if I had... I might have denied the world that Beady Eye record. It doesn't bear thinking about...
Comedy is a very subjective thing. What I might do a LOL at, you might roll your eyes and breathe a deep sigh. And vice versa. With that in mind, I take on board the idea that some of you might consider the comedian Michael McIntyre worthy of the space he takes up on this earth. I certainly do not.
That aside, the one trait I find off-putting in celebrities and commoners alike is arrogance. Hence my disdain for Frank & Betty Gallagher, and the intense irritation I feel whenever I see Michael McIntyre's smug mug on the TV. Imagine then, coming across that detestable countenance in real life. The horror!
Such a thing occurred the last time Louise and I visited That London. This might have been about 15 years ago. We were staying in the leafy borough of Hampstead, and one day were were mooching around the shops when we heard a loud, braying voice in the street behind us. A voice that chilled our blood.
There he was, the so-called "funny" man himself, large as life, peacocking down the road with his mobile phone pressed to his ear, talking loudly to his agent (or some other amenable sycophant), loud enough so that everyone could hear, so that everyone would look, so that nobody could fail to notice that they were in the presence of "greatness".
I'm not a violent man. I've never thrown a punch in my life. But it's no exaggeration to say that Louise had to physically restrain me that day. McIntyre got off lightly.
Thank God I've never been in the same room as Bono. I'd be serving ten to life right now. Either that, or somebody would have given me a medal. Maybe both.
Castro your mind back 24 hours to yesterday's smoking Snapshots clues. I hope you didn't have to Fidel around too much to work them out.
I've only ever smoked about three cigarettes in my life, and each time I did, it was with the express intention of impressing a girl. And it never worked.
Caution: Cigarette Smoking May Be Hazardous to Your Health (and Self-Respect).
10. Inside the Boa Sisters.
Possibly the most obvious photo I've ever run here. The clue was academic. They haven't changed a bit. (Except to get more annoying.)
That's the original. You may be more familiar with the Nashville Teens version (they weren't from Nashville and were mostly in their twenties), but the clue wouldn't have been as good.
2. 11 + 4 + Half the words we speak.
The 11th letter of the alphabet is K. The 4th is D. The words we speak are language. Half of that...
Another unanimous victory last week, with 70s Romeos Mr. Big trouncing the 90s big hair lot. This week, I will try my best to remain unbiased... but it's going to be hard.
What is an Oasis?
Various dictionaries define the word thus…
1. a fertile or green area in an arid region (such as a
desert… but not Manchester, where it rains all the time)
2. something that provides refuge, relief, or pleasant
contrast (pleasant contrast from what? Blackboard fingernails? Root canal?)
3. a type of rigid foam into which the stems of flowers can
be secured in flower arranging (Don’t tempt me.)
There are only two bands that I will go out of my way to avoid
featuring on My Top Ten. One is that Irish band, for obvious reasons. The other
is Oasis: everything that was wrong with Britpop.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved Britpop. That era in the
mid-late 90s was my gig-going heyday and I have many happy memories of all the
bands I saw live during that time. And then there was Oasis, whom I also saw
live, and still bear the scars. The scars of boredom. The scars of watching an
hour and a half of leaden lad-rock performed by a knuckle-dragging, monobrowed
troglodyte with a nasal monodrone and his dullard brother, a man who’d listened to every Beatles record but failed to understand any of them, interpreting their appeal as meaningless gibberish nailed to
unimaginative tunes and boorish swagger. The most exciting thing about the
whole set was the fact that this bunch of Manc Muppets came on-stage through a huge, wonky red telephone
box, recreating that early Doctor Who episode
wherein cavemen take over the TARDIS. That, and the fact that the support band
blew them off the stage. And the support band was Travis, for Bonehead’s sake!
Still, in the interests of equal opportunities, and until I
find a bunch of alternative bands that have used the name U2, let’s grasp the
nettle, shall we?
OASIS #1
Psychedelic folk-rockers from Marin County, San Francisco,
favoured by David Crosby, managed by David Geffen and signed by Atlantic
president Ahmet Ertegun. All seemed to be on track for success until their
debut album was shelved due to “management malfunction”, never to be released.
Two members of the group then formed a spin-off band with the same name,
releasing one self-titled album in 1973… which then sank without a trace. They
also recorded under the name RJ Fox, but nothing came of that either. Some
Might Say they gave it their best shot. Whatever.
OASIS #2
Peter Skellern, Julian Lloyd Webber, Mitch Dalton, Bill
Lovelady and Mary Hopkin joined forces to unleash another Oasis on the world in
1984. They also recorded one self-titled album, but Julian couldn’t be arsed
going on tour, so another cellist was drafted in. Then Mary got the sniffles
and they packed it all in as a bad job. If only Noel & Liam had followed in
their footsteps… D’You Know What I Mean?
OASIS #3
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I
don't know how…
I cannot make an unbiased choice this week, so I'm turning it over to you guys in the hope that sanity will prevail...
I'm taking a little blogger-break at the moment to clear my head, though Saturday Snapshots will continue as usual... and so will Guest Post Thursday... well, this week and next, for sure. After that, it's up to you.
Today's guest is probably the blogger I've known longest (or certainly as long as JC), since he is one of the few people who followed me over from my previous blog, Sunset Over Slawit. He's also an excellent writer (check out his novel Drawn To The Deep End if you haven't already), and someone I've been honoured to collaborate with in the past.
This is his first appearance at My Top Ten though, and it took the booze to tempt him.
The thought that I could have a crack at part three of the Top Ten Booze Songs came about purely because two great songs occurred to me that neither Rigid Digit nor C had mentioned. Of course, I then had to think of eight more, so apologies for quality control issues - maybe this is the bottom ten booze songs?
In the first verse, these vices are all the Manc mono-brows find. By the second verse, they are all they need. Dependency alert, kids! Could have gone for Champagne Supernova, I suppose (Part IV, anyone?)
(I'm keeping schtum over this one... except to say, I find it appropriate that the video begins in a toilet. - Rol.)
For everyone who has ever had trouble getting served, when the bar staff see through you to their mate or the person they fancy, and serve them first. My brother bought this on 7".
A track that has suffered from its ubiquity. I know it's a Neil Diamond song originally, but this is the version everyone knows and sings along to. Goes to my head indeed.
(It goes without saying that I prefer the original. - Rol.)
The sort of song that ought to be playing in the background of every bar scene in Roadhouse. About as far removed from the kind of pub I'd like to frequent. Wasn't this William Hague's favourite song? Or did he only claim fourteen beers...? :)
Whilst I welcomed the relaxation of licensing laws, I sort of miss the ritual of closing time, the bell, last orders at the bar, getting another round in quick ... and knowing the same ritual was happening in every other pub all over the place. "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."
A sobering (see what I did there?) reminder that just has to follow Closing Time. Not his finest moment, of course, but you can't argue with the sentiment.
1. Gene - Sick, Sober and Sorry
And a tune for the morning after, perhaps? Although any remorse has to be tempered with the opening lines: "Please don't stop me from drinking, It's my only joy..." And if I'm honest, this is the only tune here that would me in my top ten booze songs, if Rigid Digit and C hadn't bagged all the best ones already! Anyway, here's a good live version, with an appropriate introduction:
Thank you, Martin. You know I love Gene almost as much as you do, though I'd kind of forgotten how good this one was. Makes me miss them all the more.
Another fine selection of booze songs... though I doubt we've covered all of them. If you fancy contributing your own list, you know where I am.
It seems apt that on the day I'm guest-posting over at JC's place, I end up doing a Bonus Post... after all, he's one of the only bloggers I know who sometimes manages two posts in the same day. (Jez is the other one, but he doesn't post every day like JC.)
Anyway, you've probably all seen this meme over on facebook. It's been doing the rounds. I had to have a go, of course, and I thought I'd post my response here in case you wanted to have a guess.
Ten bands/artists I've seen live. One of them is a lie.
By
the way, I haven't chosen any of the OBVIOUS acts you all KNOW I've seen
live. If this list was made up of Springsteen, Billy Bragg, Elvis
Costello, Lloyd Cole, Morrissey et al, it would be far too easy.
1. Depeche Mode 2. Suzanne Vega 3. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers 4. Guns n Roses 5. Alison Krauss & Union Station 6. Bon Jovi 7. Oasis 8. Hayseed Dixie 9. James Brown 10. Nearly Dan (Steely Dan tribute act)
One final clue: 8 of the true ones were really, really good. The ninth really, really wasn't.
Sam isn't a bad kid when it comes to crying. I've heard tell of babies who are much, much worse. But there are times... times when nothing we do will soothe him, when we feel that crushing mix of frustration, guilt and pain which every parent must grow to understand. Still, music has powers to soothe the savage beast, to paraphrase William... Congreve. (Yeah, I thought it was Shakey, too.) Here's ten tunes to do just that...
Every time I include an Oasis song in a Top Ten, an angel loses its wings. This is one of those rare compositions from the monobrowed chuckle brothers that doesn't annoy the jogging bottoms off me. Still... sorry, seraphim.
Never ones to do things by halves, GnR actually released two different versions of this song (the lyrics of the verses were entirely different) as part of the mammoth double album exercise in self-destruction that was Use Your Illusion. This is the alternate version. If you're sad, like me, you might want to compare the two. They blew the video budget on the first version though.
Written by Ray Davies (Chrissie Hynde's boyfriend at the time - what a cradle snatcher!) and originally recorded by The Kinks... though the Pretenders made it their own with a little new wave bite. Their debut single - hard to believe it only reached #34 in the charts.
Yes, I chose an Oasis song. It's not completely unheard of. I reckon this is one of their best, perhaps because it owes far more to The Kinks than The Beatles. Plus I like Rhys Ifans in the video... but more on that later.
Here they come, gone 7am
Getting satellite and Sky, getting cable,
Bills and Bens and their mums and their friends
Who just really, really want to be loved,
Uncle Teds and their legendary vests
Helping out around the disabled,
From the flats and the maisonettes
They're reminding us there's things to be done.
Nothing lazy about those lyrics.
See also the gorgeous One Lazy Morning by Brett Anderson, solo (i.e. the rest of the band stayed in bed).
What a bunch of lazy bleeders the Supernaturals were - not only lazy lovers who can't be bothered getting into bed... but when they eventually do, they moan I Wasn't Built To Get Up. They can't even stay awake in their videos.
When it came time to select songs about sloth, Morrissey was obviously going to feature. Take your pick from The Lazy Sunbathers or All The Lazy Dykes... but this one's my favourite: quintessential Mozzer...
Please don't worry There'll be no fuss She was... nobody's nothing
When he awoke The sea was calm And another day passes like a dream
1. The Lemonheads - The Outdoor Type
While the rest of the artists on this Top Ten are bone idle Brits (with the exception of comatose Canadians Moxy Früvous), the laziest man in rock has to be American "Slacker King" Evan Dando. This could well be my favourite Lemonheads song, in which Evan confesses his lethargic credentials...
I can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend What if something's on TV and it's never shown again? It's just as well I'm not invited, I'm afraid of heights I lied about being the outdoor type
Kind of like the Nickelback it's almost OK to like. Everybody everywhere wants to be famous
And everybody everywhere wishes they could tell
Everybody everywhere to go to hell
Bill Wyman may have been the most boring man in the Rolling Stones, but I always thought that was rather an unfair contest when you consider the competition. Still, this may well be his finest moment. It proves what a wag he really was. The video's hilarious too.
Je suis un rock star
Je avais un residence
Je habiter la
A la south of France
Voulez vous
Partir with me?
And come and rester la
With me in France
Pink's
purest moment of petulant punk-pop in which she gives her ex the
finger, because, "So what? I'm still a rock star!" The hilariously
cartoon video positions Pink as a 21st Century Billy Idol, with added
irony. What's not to love?
Would have been Number One if it actually mentioned a Rock Star. Still... Trevor Horn's finest moment. And that's saying something, from the man who produced Owner Of A Lonely Heart.
1. Amanda Palmer - Do It With A Rockstar
What helps AFP stand triumphant over the many fine records below is that this epic is quite unique among rock stars songs, presenting as it does the tale of a needy, neurotic rockstar begging a groupie to stay the night. The honesty of her true intentions...
I don't want your body
Just a part to listen to INXS
All the practice in the world
Won't get me good at loneliness-ness
Loneliless-ness
...are beautifully contrasted by her more desperately persuasive "do you really wanna miss this chance?" chat up routine...
Do you wanna go back home?
Your animals are all alone
Oh, there's a chicken waiting on the stove
And your cousin left his DVD of swinging in the '70s
Or do you wanna go back home
Check your messages and charge your phone?
Oh, are you really sure
You wanna go
When you could
Do it with a rock star?
The video, entertaining though it is in a NSFW way, doesn't really do that dichotomy justice. But it's a wonderful track, and like Pink's song above, a record I just couldn't stop hitting "replay" on when I first got it. God knows what Neil Gaiman thinks, if AFP's actually like this in real life though...
