Emergency Questions #6: Assassination Attempt

Bauhaus - The Sanity Assassin

Back to Richard Herring's Emergency Questions, and this week we're asking for your darkest confessions...

Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?

Now clearly there are a lot of people in this world right now who might want to assassinate a certain orange demagogue... although I'm sure most of us realise that doing so would only make a martyr of him, and that's the last thing anyone wants. Better to let such people die on their own swords, methinks.

Dixie Nightingales - Assassination

I also feel I should clarify that I don't condone murder, even the murder of complete tosspots, and I'm sure none of the good folk who waste precious minutes reading this guff once or twice a week condone it either. Still, there are, I'm sure, some people out there in the world who you definitely feel would be deserving of a good slap. So have you ever been in a position to administer such an admonishment... and had to hold yourself back?

The Builders - Daytime Assassins

I can think of two such occasions...

The first came back in the late 90s when I had the misfortune of going to see Oasis at Sheffield Arena. Now It's no secret that I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the Gallagher brothers and their brand of plodding, humourless, psuedo-Beatles Brit-rock. With that in mind, you may well wonder how I ended up at one of their gigs? All I can tell you is that this was during my radio days, the tickets were free, and my mate was a much bigger fan of the Brothers Dim, so I was persuaded that it might be a good ticket to have in my scrapbook. A couple of years earlier, when the lads were just starting out, that might well have been true. However, this was the Be Here Now tour, and all I can remember of that travesty was that they had a red phone booth on the stage. (A little research reveals that even Noel Gallagher now admits Be Here Now was a bag of shite. Whereas Liam says it's his favourite album. Make of that what you will.)

Sea Fruit - Assassin

The support act that day were Travis. Now I know what most of you think of Travis, but let me tell you this: They blew the Swaggerlers off the stage. I can't have been the only one in the audience who thought so. In fact, Liam Gallagher himself even came out to watch them... and herein lies my tale.

Jefferson Starship - Assassin

We had pretty good seats in the arena. Front row, just above the tunnel. There were no seats below us, that area was fenced off for the sound guys. And that's where Liam came to watch Travis. He walked out directly beneath us, stood by the sound desk for a few songs, then mooched back into the tunnel. And this would have been my moment. At the time, I confess (and it's not a particularly nice confession), I briefly considered spitting on his head. It's lucky I didn't have a brick at hand. I mean, imagine if I had... I might have denied the world that Beady Eye record. It doesn't bear thinking about...

Marc Almond - Come in Sweet Assassin

Comedy is a very subjective thing. What I might do a LOL at, you might roll your eyes and breathe a deep sigh. And vice versa. With that in mind, I take on board the idea that some of you might consider the comedian Michael McIntyre worthy of the space he takes up on this earth. I certainly do not.

Charlotte Gainsbourg - Time Of The Assassins

That aside, the one trait I find off-putting in celebrities and commoners alike is arrogance. Hence my disdain for Frank & Betty Gallagher, and the intense irritation I feel whenever I see Michael McIntyre's smug mug on the TV. Imagine then, coming across that detestable countenance in real life. The horror!

Rose of Avalanche - Assassin

Such a thing occurred the last time Louise and I visited That London. This might have been about 15 years ago. We were staying in the leafy borough of Hampstead, and one day were were mooching around the shops when we heard a loud, braying voice in the street behind us. A voice that chilled our blood.

James - Assassin

There he was, the so-called "funny" man himself, large as life, peacocking down the road with his mobile phone pressed to his ear, talking loudly to his agent (or some other amenable sycophant), loud enough so that everyone could hear, so that everyone would look, so that nobody could fail to notice that they were in the presence of "greatness".

Gold Frankincense & Disk Drive - Character Assassinator

I'm not a violent man. I've never thrown a punch in my life. But it's no exaggeration to say that Louise had to physically restrain me that day. McIntyre got off lightly.

Flaming Lips - Assassination Of The Sun

Thank God I've never been in the same room as Bono. I'd be serving ten to life right now. Either that, or somebody would have given me a medal. Maybe both.

Marillion - Assassing

Anyway, there were lots of songs about assassination... but this was today's obvious winner.

Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?

Snapshots #310 - A Top Ten Songs About Herbs

Because I couldn't find a picture of Herb Alpert taking a photo, here's Herbie the car. He's going bananas for today countdown of songs with herbs in them...

(Oh, and in case you were wondering about Marlene yesterday, the surname "Dill" is apparently "from a pet form of the personal name Dietrich", according to the people who know about such things.)

10. Makes a lot of parkin.

Parkin is a ginger cake. Some debate on the interweb about whether ginger is a herb or a root veg. That doesn't matter though, because we're not here for the ginger, we're here for the basil...

Ginger Baker - Basil

9. Sure-footed ungulates.

Ungulates are large mammals with hooves.

The Mountain Goats - Wild Sage

8. Death-, Funny-, Mountain-.

Death-wish, funny-bone, mountain-ash.

Wishbone Ash - Sorrel

7. Lost in fatheadedness and obscureness. 

FaTHEadedness and obsCUREness. 

Yes, obscureness is a word. Seems pretty obscure to me.

The Cure - Mint Car

Bob looks particularly bonkers in that video.

6. James Moir on an open fire.

James Moir is better known as Vic Reeves. Chestnuts go on an open fire.

Vic Chestnutt - Tarragon

5. Joan's cocktail, mixed with Punch.

The cocktail is a Joan Collins. Punch mixes with Judy.

Judy Collins - Wild Mountain Thyme

4. They've been on the Shari.

Shari Lewis had the puppet Lambchop on her hand.

Lambchop - D. Scott Parsley

3. Thomas built this to keep the ships safe.

Edison Lighthouse - Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)

2. Half blonde bombshell and king of the jungle.

Half of Marilyn joined onto a lion.

Marillion - Lavender

1. I'm Son and Fluke Gran.

Anagram-tastic!

Although it's not in the title, this track was obvious from the outset...

1. Simon & Garfunkel - Scarborough Fair

Season your Saturday with more Snapshots next week...

Celebrity Jukebox #30: Louise Brooks

On Wednesday, George complained about the "recent lurch to modern times" this feature had taken by featuring contemporary celebrities such as Bill Bixby and Nerys Hughes (God help him when I do my Scarlett Johansson post). And so, to keep Celebrity Jukebox's biggest fan happy, I've chosen someone today he should be more familiar with.

Louise Brooks was a Ziegfeld Follies dancer who signed a five year movie deal with Paramount in 1925 and became one of the biggest female stars of the Silent Movie era, although her career never really transitioned into the talkies and her star fell quite dramatically in the 30s.

Coincidentally, I came across a song that I never knew was about Louise Brooks while compiling my Top Ten Greek Mythology Songs last week. The intro to the video of OMD's 1991 single Pandora's Box tells how the Louise Brooks movie of the same name was banned by Adolf Hitler as "degenerate art". I bet he kept a copy for himself though. The song tells Louise's life story far better than I could...

Born in Kansas on an ordinary plain

Ran to New York but ran away from fame

Only seventeen when all your dreams come true

But all you wanted was someone to undress you

And all the stars you kissed could never ease the pain

Still the grace remains and though the face has changed

You're still the same

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark don't mention Louise by name though. To find an actual lyrical mention, we have to listen to 15 minutes of post-Fish Marillion...

Marillion - Interior Lulu

As you lie there on your bed

Beneath the face of Louise Brooks

With your makeup and your teddy bear

And your C.S. Lewis books

Bad seed

You're a bad seed

Alternatively, if you're really brave, you might try Germany's answer to Ultravox...

Deine Lakaien - A Fish Called Prince

And Pious told me even more

About stars that shine forever on

The times of Bara, Gish, Louise Brooks

And above all his queen called June

I presume he's talking about June Whitfield.

Or... you might subject yourself to some Campag Velocet. Now I'm just the right age to have been regularly reading the NME when they proclaimed Campag Velocet the next big thing. Which probably explains why nobody's heard of them since.

Campag Velocet - Sauntry Sly Chic

Louise brooks bob

Rouge red lipstick

Beauty spot

She's got what it takes

What I find most interesting about that track is that it climaxes thus...

I'm on the chaise longue 

I'm on the chaise longue

I'm on the chaise longue 

I'm on the chaise longue

Which makes me wonder if Wet Leg were reading the NME when they were 3.

Wet Leg - Chaise Longue

(Regardless, that's a million times better than anything Campag Velocet ever produced.)

Then we have John "Butter Salesman" Lydon, arriving stateside in his Y-fronts...

Public Image Ltd - Bettie Page

When Bettie Page was on the run

And my west was way out west

And Louise Brooks speak the crooks

The greatest pornographic country in the world

Welcome to America USA

Arriving in my underpants

Land of the free

Home of the naked

And the brave

And for all you 80s kids out there (not George), some Optimus Prime...

Robots In Disguise - Don't Copy Me

Was your hair cut by the council?

Two in one, Louise Brookes and Shirley Temple

One Madonna glove and a jacket too tight

Are you wearing your whole badge collection out tonight?

That made me smile.

But I think today's winner is Nashville-based, Boston born "street rocker" Tom Ovans, who... and I'm just spit-balling here... might own a Bob Dylan record. Or two.

Well, she looked like Louise Brooks from one of them old silent movies

I think it was the one where she gets beaten to death

But when her eyes caught mine down in that city of crime

I knew it was a day I could never forget

Snapshots #183: A Top Ten Easter Songs

Perhaps the link was too obvious yesterday... call it an early Easter presents, as I can't give you all chocolate.

Here are the answers...

10. Blimey, Cher - it's roomy!

"Cher - it's roomy" is an anagram.

Christy Moore - Easter Snow

9. A friend of the office manager.

The office manager, David Brent, was played by Ricky Gervais.

Ross Geller was a Friend.

Ricky Ross - Cold Easter

8. Chic fella, all alone.

The Chic fella would be Nile Rogers. If he was all alone, he might well be blue.

The Blue Nile - Easter Parade

7. Not so fishy anymore.

That's Marillion, after Fish had swum off to fresh waters.

Marillion - Easter

6. Police found with drugs on calendar.

The Julian Calendar.

Cop + E.

Julian Cope - Easter Everywhere

5. Founding father of flight.

Thomas Jefferson was a founding father.

I suppose White Rabbit would have been Easter-ish (it's certainly a better song), but the one I had in mind was...

Jefferson Airplane - Easter?

4. Psycho king.

Anthony Perkins was Norman Bates in Psycho.

Elvis was the king.

Elvis Perkins - Good Friday

3. Connections.

The Associates - Tell Me Easter's On Friday

2. One step wreath.

One step is a stair.

A wreath is a garland.

Fred Astaire & Judy Garland - Easter Parade

1. Baker's man becomes metalworker.

Patty cake, patti cake, baker's man.

A metalworker is a smith.

When all the Easter Eggs are eaten, Saturday Snapshots will still be here... next week.

Saturday Snapshots #104 - The Answers

Come with me if you want to live!

Or at least if you want the answers to yesterday's Saturday Snapshots...

Hasta la vista, baby!


10. Fiery gal comes of age.

A fiery gal might be a Burn-ette.

Johnny Burnette - You're Sixteen

9. Norman painter gets paranoid.

Norman Rockwell was the painter.

Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me

8. A magnum crown... pity.

A magnum of champagne for a king?

Evelyn 'Champagne' King - Shame

7. Scooters make me itch.

Lambretta makes scooters.

Poison Ivy leaves you in need of an ocean of calamine lotion...

The Lambrettas - Poison Ivy 

6. A mini roll gets chewed up by an air freshener.

"A mini roll" was an anagram.

Marillion - Lavender

5. "They told me to do it!" I explained to the junior Feds.

"They told me to do it!" Who? The voices in your head?

Guided By Voices - Teenage FBI

4. Directions to the French court maze, please?

Hampton Court Maze? FR is France, so that must make it the Frampton court maze? No? Non?

Peter Frampton - Show Me The Way

I don't mind a bit of Peter Frampton, but this sold far more copies than it should have done.

3. Party pooper DJ wouldn't play 50s hits... and his eyeliner stank.

"Eyeliner stank" was another anagram. (Just count yourself lucky I didn't have to do a third for Peter Frampton: Pope TNT Farmer was very close.)

Sleater Kinney - You're No Rock 'n' Roll Fun 

2. Eager nobility wants to hear a song.

A keen earl?

Robert Earl Keen - Let The Music Play

1. Allied forces found on a zebra crossing.

There probably were more than seven nations in the allied forces, but I claim artistic license.

That's it from me for this week, but guess what? Next week? 

I'll be back.

The United Kingdom Of Song #26: Slough

Last week's post featured Eton via The Eton Rifles by The Jam... but Eton isn't the only place mentioned in that tune. Another town, slightly less picturesque, is mentioned in the opening lyrics...

Sup up your beer and collect your fags

There's a row going on down near Slough

Slough is the home of classic sitcom The Office, and Ricky Gervais obviously chose the town because of it's reputation. Long before The Office, Slough was immortalised in this poem by John Betjeman...

Slough

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!

It isn't fit for humans now, 

There isn't grass to graze a cow. 

Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and blow to smithereens

Those air -conditioned, bright canteens, 

Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans, 

Tinned minds, tinned breath.

Mess up the mess they call a town-

A house for ninety-seven down

And once a week a half a crown 

For twenty years.

And get that man with double chin

Who'll always cheat and always win, 

Who washes his repulsive skin 

In women's tears:

And smash his desk of polished oak

And smash his hands so used to stroke

And stop his boring dirty joke

And make him yell.

But spare the bald young clerks who add

The profits of the stinking cad;

It's not their fault that they are mad, 

They've tasted Hell.

It's not their fault they do not know 

The birdsong from the radio, 

It's not their fault they often go 

To Maidenhead

And talk of sport and makes of cars

In various bogus-Tudor bars 

And daren't look up and see the stars

But belch instead.

In labour-saving homes, with care

Their wives frizz out peroxide hair

And dry it in synthetic air

And paint their nails.

Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough

To get it ready for the plough.

The cabbages are coming now;

The earth exhales.

Morrissey obviously stole a trick or two from Betjeman when he wrote Everyday Is Like Sunday... although he changed the location for the bombs to drop to a drizzly, northern seaside town.

Slough also inspired Marillion to pen this little curiosity...

Marillion - Costa del Slough

In fact, it seems only David Brent himself has anything good to sing about Slough...

David Brent - Slough

A fair few famous people hailed from Slough though, including Rebel Rouser Cliff Bennett, original Deep Purple vocalist Rod Evans (although iffypedia also says he was born in Eton), Len "Chip" Hawkes of The Tremeloes (Chesney's dad),  Tracey Ullman and 90's indie band Thousand Yard Stare. Thunderbirds creator Gerry Anderson even set up a studio there, to film some of his most famous creations.

Today's winning song comes from a band far less well-known than any of the above luminaries... although The Tiger Lillies do pretty well at summing up everything you've read above in just 90 seconds.

I've never been to Slough, but I'm sure it's lovely.

Hot 100 Countdown #81

Some very good suggestions this week, introducing me to all manner of songs I hadn't heard before...

Alyson suggested Joanna Newsom - '81.

Nice harp there, as always from Joanna.

C & The Swede came up with Miles Davis - 81.

I wish I could be hip enough to pretend to have loads of Miles Davis in my record collection. I'm not, but I do like a nice bit of trumpet.

The Swede also offered Gato Barbieri & Dollar Brand - '81st Street'.

The Swede is doing his best to get me into proper jazz... and to be fair, he's got more chance of that than getting me into Simple Minds, though it was inevitable that New Gold Dream (81-82-83-84) would crop up again this week.

Meanwhile, Rigid Digit - who's just about given up on trying to get me into Jim Kerr and his buddies - tried Marillion - White Feather, which contains the following lyric...

When I hit the streets back in '81
Found a heart in the gutter and a poet's crown
I felt barbed wire kisses and icicle tears
Where have I been for all these years?

Not in my collection either, but still more palatable than SM.

Much more my cup of tea (but sadly not yet in my collection) was Lynchie's suggestion: Candy & The Kisses - The 81. That would be a winner if I owned it.

Chris also came up with a suggestion I liked... but don't own... Roger Whittaker - New World In The Morning. Another lyrical 81... but that doesn't rule it out... as you'll see shortly.

I met a man who had a dream he'd had since he was twenty,
I met that man when he was 81

If all those weren't in my collection... what was? I was struggling a bit this week. The only titular 81 I could find was this...

The Fuzztones - Ward 81

It's not bad. Actually, it's MAD. But it didn't really feel like a winner. So I went lyrics diving myself... and this is what I came up with. One of my favourite from MCC... great Tom Petty nod in the chorus.

All the way down 81

I've got some friends in Nashville

Atlanta it's been way too long

By morning I'll make Asheville

...all of which takes us to the last of the 80s: number 80. Any suggestions?

My Top Ten 'When I Am King...' Songs

You could argue, of course, that pop stars already live like kings and queens, so the fact that they're always whinging about what they'd do if they had even more power and wealth is somewhat ironic. But what do we know? Peasants and commoners like us will never understand the woes of the rich and famous. (My humblest apologies if you are either rich or famous and still reading this. Please don't have me beheaded for my disrespect.)

Anyway, here's ten of the buggers to tell us about their kingly dreams...


10. Joe Walsh - Fun

Well, if I was king I'd sign a proclamation
And if I was president I'd pass a law
And I'd call for a full-blown Senate investigation
Of everyone who wasn't having fun

Joe Walsh did actually run for president in 1980, promising to make Life's Been Good the American national anthem and that he'd give free gas to everyone. Reagan still won by a landslide.

9. Marillion - Lavender

When Fish is king, dilly, dilly...

I haven't been able to take this seriously since Julia Davis danced to it in Nighty Night.

While we're in the 80s, I'd like to give a shout out to UB40 - Kingston Town...

And when I am king,
surely I would need a queen
And a palace and everything, yeah
And now I am king,
And my queen will come at dawn
She'll be waiting in Kingston Town

...and The Thompson Twins - King For A Day. (Tom would give it all away.)

And, though not actually from the 80s, really sounding like they should be: Steel Panther - If I Was The King... I think you might call that one NSFW, though I'm reliably informed it's a parody, they don't really think like that...

8. Great Big Sea - When I Am King

Great Big Sea are described by the interweb as a "Canadian folk-rock band" which makes me think of The Levellers with a maple leaf. So imagine my surprise when I discover they sound like Smash Mouth and The Offspring. Still, nice sentiment...

Well, the war's been won
All the fights are fought
You find yourself in just the spot
It's a place where everybody's got a song to sing
Just like the final movie scene
The prince will find his perfect queen
The hero always saves the world
The villains get what they deserve
The boy will always get the girl
When I am king

Also from the Charity Shop Roulette pile, and sounding not entirely dissimilar... Forever The Sickest Kids - King For A Day.

7. Three Dog Night - Joy To The World

If I were the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war
Make sweet love to you

Well, that's very nice of you, Chuck, but I think I'll pass.

(Three Dog Night had about 300 lead singers. Chuck Negron sung this one. It was written by the mighty Hoyt Axton. That's all you need to know.)

6. XTC - King For A Day

Leave it to Colin ('cos he wrote this one: I did check, just for JC) and Andy to bring us back down to earth...

I have a feeling that when these guys are kings, there won't be any kings anymore.

Well the way that we're living,
Is all take and no giving,
There's nothing to believe in,
The loudest mouth will hail the new found way,
To be king for a day

Similar party pooping sentiments come from Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King.

5. Weezer - King of the World

If Rivers Cuomo was king of the world, we'd all be able to ride a greyhound all the way to the Galapagos and stay for the rest of our lives. Which would be nice.

We are the small fish
We swim together
No Prozac or Valium
We’ll face tsunamis together

4. Gene - We Could Be Kings

Sadly, this planet never was theirs: but it really should have been with songs as good as this.

3. The Magnetic Fields - '80: London By Jetpack

Another one from Stephin Merritt's mighty 50 Song Memoir, which I'm still enjoying the hell out of even though I'm only on disc 2. I'll have to feature some more songs from this disc soon as it's a cracker. Anyhoo...

When I am monarch of the world
Weighed down by matters weighty
I'll live in London once more
And decree it's 1980
That all may dress as Pierrots
And pirates, like their king
And all will have jetpacks
From club to club we'll go zooming

At the club with no name
We'll dance again
Vivienne Westwood
Will be my queen

2. Neil Diamond - I Am, I Said

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king... and then became one?

Turns out that frog was Neil. And what did he do with his kingly success?

Go into therapy... and write one of his very best songs while he was there.

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Radiohead's Bohemian Rhapsody. When Thom Yorke is king, we'll all be first against the wall...





As you may have noticed, I couldn't find any songs about what Joni Mitchell, Kate Bush or Annie Lennox would do if they were queen for the day*. Hmm... I wonder what that tells us...

(*I am, however, happy for you to suggest them.)

What would you do if you were king / queen for a day?