Coffee Break #5: Free Coffee!

Ben Folds - Free Coffee Town

Towards the end of Half Term, we had a few days away in Pickering. It's becoming a preferred holiday destination: not too crowded, close enough to the coast if we want to see the sea, but with lots of nice countrysidey things to do, particularly the wonderful Dalby Forest, just around the corner.

Jason Falkner - Holiday

Sam and I also enjoy the Pickering Museum, one of those places that offers a time capsule trip into the past, to a world that looked like this...

A far more civilised, genteel and altogether less horrible time like this...

And for those of you who occasionally like to frequent a local hostelry or two, a world where you didn't need a second mortgage before setting foot over the threshold...

Kylie Minogue - Step Back In Time

Personally, I haven't been in a public house for quite some time, though we did stop off at one for a family meal recently, and after buying a glass of wine and two soft drinks, I was horrified at how little change I got from twenty quid. I don't know how you regulars cope - I'd just be thinking how many CDs I could buy instead...

Leo Sayer - HOW Much, Love?

Possibly the most exciting thing about Pickering Museum though was the sign which read "Free Coffee". Wow - two of my favourite words combined... it doesn't get any better than this, surely? 

Joni Mitchell - For Free

(I remember back in 1994, when Nelson Mandela spoke to the US Congress, quoting the end of Martin Luther King's most famous speech: "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last!" The radio was on in the background, but when I heard those words, I turned it up to see if I could catch which shop he was talking about.)

Al Green - Free At Last

The Free Coffee sign was next to the exit, but that was OK. The promise kept me buzzing all the way around the museum. It would be the perfect climax to our visit!

"But you just had a coffee before we came in here," Sam said.

Brook Benton - Another Cup Of Coffee

Ah, the young. "Imagine if the sign said 'Free Football Cards'," I told him, "and I said to you, 'but you just bought some football card before we came in here..."

"That's different," he said. And he was right. Football cards offer a transitory pleasure, at best. While coffee is the gift that keeps on giving.

Dantalian's Chariot - Coffee Song

As is so often the case though, the reality rarely lives up to the dream. (Just ask Martin Luther King.) The free coffee was dispensed by a 40 year old Klix machine (a true museum-piece), a mixture of hot water and undissolved granules that tasted like... well, I'm not sure the words have been invented. I poured it away after the first mouthful. There's no such thing as a free coffee.

Coffee Break #4: Keep It Hot

Time to put your feet up and enjoy another Friday morning coffee break, starting with one of the many, many bands called The Outsiders that popped up in Namesakes a few weeks back...

The Outsiders - A Cup Of Hot Coffee

I do like my coffee hot. So hot, in fact, that I regularly burn the roof of my mouth. Which can't be good for me. The perfect cup of coffee should be just hot enough to not do that. But no cooler.

Scatman Crothers - Keep That Coffee Hot

Benjamin Sherman Crothers began his musical career as a teenager in the 1930s. He took the name Scatman in reference to his improvisational singing style. Whenever I think of scat singing, I hear Louis Prima singing I Wanna Be Like You, from one of the first albums I ever owned (on cassette), the soundtrack of The Jungle Book. Scatman Crothers wasn't in The Jungle Book, but he did voice another famous cartoon character...

Do you know they only ever made one series of Hong Kong Phooey?

You don't say. 

I find that impossible to believe, since it seemed to be on TV constantly when I was a kid.

You don't say. 

I guess the karate craze didn't last long enough to support a second season.

You don't say. 

(What did he say?

He didn't say.)

Scatman was also the voice of Scat Cat in the Aristocrats...

...and, later, Jazz The Autobot in The Transformers cartoon.

However, the role for which he'll forever be remembered is Dick Hallorann...

Badly Drawn Boy - The Shining

"How'd you like some ice cream, doc?"

I'm with Scatman Crothers: I want my coffee hot and my ice cream cold, not the other way around, thank you...

Side Show - Cold Coffee

The KLF ~ Six Hours to Louisiana Black Coffee Going Cold

And I'm guessing all you tea drinkers feel the same too?

Coffee Break #4: Smoking!

Before we start this week's Coffee Break... I need your help.

Louise was telling me last week about a record her dad used to play when she was a kid. Apparently, towards the end of the track, you can hear the sounds of police knocking on the door and the band quickly flushing away the illicit drugs they were smoking before the rozzers knocked. Despite extensive google searching, I've been unable to work out what this song might be... so I'm throwing it out to you guys. Any ideas?

I've never been a smoker. I never saw the appeal of cigarettes, even when all the other kids at school were hanging around outside the local newsagents, trying to persuade older kids to go inside and buy them a pack of Benson and Hedges. I tried smoking once, when I was in my 20s and I was very drunk. And I only did it to impress a girl. Fortunately, it was too late for it to take hold, so that was my first and last cigarette. She didn't seem that impressed anyway.

Jimmy Eat World - Coffee And Cigarettes

Mischief Brew - Coffee, God, And Cigarettes

I'm glad smoking cigarettes went out of fashion - for everyone's sake... but I kind of miss it too. I don't want to go back to people smoking in pubs and on buses, in restaurants and the cinema... even though that was the world we grew up in. The stale stench of cigarettes that was associated with so many of the places we grew up in, not to mention the fresh fug that often greeted you in such places... how is it possible to miss something you wouldn't ever want to come back?

Glen Glenn - One Cup of Coffee and a Cigarette

Michelle Featherstone - Coffee & Cigarettes

Lefty Frizell - Cigarettes and Coffee Blues

It's surprising how many songs there are which link coffee with cigarettes. They used to go together like bacon and eggs, fish and chips, apple pie and custard... well, there are more songs about coffee and cigarettes than any of the above. Caffeine and nicotine are both stimulants, but many people smoked as a relaxant... so were the two drugs teaming up, counteracting each other or having a big scrap in a smoker's system? I found one study online that suggested a morning coffee helped beat nicotine cravings while another suggested that being both a smoker and a coffee drinker made you 8 times more likely to have a heart attack.

Curtis Gordon - Caffeine And Nicotine

Bill Royal - Caffeine, Nicotine and Gasoline

You rarely see anyone smoking a real cigarettes anymore. It's all bloody e-cigs nowadays, which some idiot decided were better for us... though clearly they're not. We already know they're bad, but we don't know the half of it, I reckon. 

I'm reminded of adverts like these any time somebody tries to defend their vaping habit.

I don't yet know of any songs about drinking coffee and vaping at the same time, but vaping on its own is already starting to creep into the songwriter's lexicon. Ernie mentioned a tune just last week about Kids Vaping on the Double Decker Bus. And here's a couple more, firstly a great tune from Dougie Poole about the dangers of vaping in the workplace...

...and secondly, a cautionary tale from the hilarious* Wolves of Glendale, one of my favourite musical discoveries of 2024. 

(*Yeah, they write funny songs. Deal with it.)

Coffee Break #3: Dead Pheasant

Sinéad O'Connor - Black Coffee

I drink my coffee black, because that's how I prefer it. Despite my previously discussed aversion to cold milk, I can have milk in coffee... I just don't like it. Also, less calories, so it's win/win for me. I also don't have sugar, because... why would you? 

Matthew Jay - Sweet Black Coffee

Apparently there are two calories in double shot Americano and one if you only have a single shot. But why would you only have a single shot?

Redhouse Gasoline - Strong Black Coffee

If you really must increase your calorie intake, you could try it with some toast. But I wouldn't recommend stopping at Mike Pedicin's cafe...

Mike Pedicin - Burnt Toast And Black Coffee

You'd be much better off at Tim Booth's house...

James - Coffee & Toast

Just watch he doesn't try to sneak some milk in. 

All Saints - Black Coffee

The song at the top of this post, by Sinéad, was written by Sonny Burke and Paul Francis Webster back in the late 1940s. This is the original version...

Sarah Vaughan - Black Coffee

...but it's also been recorded by all the usual suspects: Frank, Ella, Petula... Tricky. 

Back when I drank tea, I used to take it black with no sugar as well. I couldn't find any songs about Black Tea, so here's some Pennyroyal Tea for you tea drinkers. 

Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld

So I can sigh eternally

I'm so tired I can't sleep

I'm a liar and a thief

Sit and drink Pennyroyal Tea

I'm anaemic royalty

(Be warned though, although Pennyroyal leaf extracts are relatively harmless, Pennyroyal Oil can cause syncope, seizures, coma, cardiopulmonary collapse, acute liver injury, renal insufficiency and multiorgan failure. You might be better sticking with a nice cup of coffee.)

The big question is... why did I call this post “Dead Pheasant”? Not because the pheasant had been eating from the Pennyroyal plant, I assure you.

Tommy Tsunami - Are You an Angry Pheasant?

No, this comes from an amusing story my mum told me at the weekend, about the time my dad hit a pheasant with his car on his way home from work. If you drive the country lanes round here, kamikaze pheasants are a constant risk. They really are the stupidest of birds, and appear to have a pathological desire to run out in front of oncoming traffic. Watch them run and you can also see how they’re clearly descended from dinosaurs. Although thankfully, they do less damage to your car than hitting a velociraptor. 

Josh Rouse - Pheasant Feather

Anyway, my dad hit the pheasant, and being a Yorkshire farmer, he brought it home for tea. Waste not, want not. “I lit some candles,” Mum told me, “and we had a nice romantic meal.”

Bill Maynard - Pheasant Plucker's Son

I hope they washed it down with a nice cup of coffee. Black, of course. 

I like it black, just black as night

It keeps me up, it keeps me tight

It don't matter the size of the cup

Just as long as you fill it up

With black caffeine

Keeps me lean

You can hear me scream

Give me black caffeine

Coffee Break #2: Cheers!

Welcome back to my coffee shop. Grab a table, what can I get you...?

Oh, hang on, I think John asked for a song about drinking coffee in bed. I'm sure he must mean this one...

Savage Garden - Two Beds And A Coffee Machine

But just to broaden John's horizons a little, I thought I'd offer this one instead...

Squeeze appear to have stumbled into a Robert Palmer video there. Isn't it glorious? I'm also impressed that the subtitles tell me that "jazzy music plays" before the singing starts. I'm sure that'll make Messrs Tifford and Dilbrook's day. 

And if that wasn't enough for you, here's a couple of alternative takes on that song...

Daryl Hall and Glenn Tilbrook - Black Coffee In Bed

Chris Difford - Black Coffee In Bed

 

And: a dilemma for Martin, given his aversion to the cup of joy and his fondness for a certain Bangly lady...

Susanna Hoffs - Black Coffee In Bed

Would you kick her out of bed for that, Martin? Or try to persuade her to switch to an alternative beverage...?

Frank Turner - A Decent Cup Of Tea

I'll leave you to ponder on that one. Meanwhile... What are we going to chat about today? 

How about cheering?

Barrett Strong - Stand Up And Cheer For The Preacher

Why do I have such a problem with cheering?

One of the reasons I can't watch shows like Strictly or the X-Factor or any kind of talent-based performance TV is that I can't bear all the cheering. It sets my nerves on edge even when I hear it from the other room (which is where I'm usually consigned to when Louise and/or Sam is watching such fluffle). Particularly when I hear a cheering audience on a TV show, it all sounds so false. I picture some guy stood at the side of the stage holding up a "Cheer Now!" sign because the cheering never sounds sincere or spontaneous... it sounds like a performance in its own right.

Bananarama - Cheers Then

It's the same thing at gigs. I've got no problem with applause - I'll stand up and clap with the best of them. But I never feel the urge to cheer... and I'd certainly never entertain the bastard son of the cheer: the whoop. But this does make me wonder... am I not enjoying the gig as much as the people who have to vocalise it in such fashion? Are their uncontrollable outbursts a sign that they're engaging with this experience on a much deeper level than I am? Is there something wrong with me?

Orange Juice - Three Cheers For Our Side

And don't even start me on wolf whistles...!

Jack Butler - An Old Wolf Whistle

We'll close with an appropriate tune from Titus Andronicus, which I'd like to point out, despite its title, is NOT a cover version of this...

Gary Portnoy - Theme From Cheers (Where Everybody Knows Your Name)

...although that is up there as one of my all-time favourite theme tunes, from one of my all-time favourite TV shows. It makes me feel warm inside whenever I hear it. But this, while also being very good, has nothing to do with that...

Coffee Break #1

Johnny Cash - Cup Of Coffee

While writing last week's post about my love of a good old cup of Joe, I realised that I have hundreds of tunes in my library about said beverage... any excuse for another occasional series! This one will just be a chat, like we're sitting in a coffee shop together, shooting the breeze, maybe talking about the songs they're playing in the background, maybe ignoring them and talking random shit instead. And for those of you who don't like coffee (like Martin), I'll make sure other popular beverages are available too...

Cat Stevens - Tea For The Tillerman

Is there a better one minute song than that? Seriously, if there is, I want to know about it. I mean - look at the way it builds! I can think of 8 minute album track epics that don't develop as well as that does... and then it's gone. It's perfect... although I can't help but wonder if it would have been better if it had carried on... or if the effect would have been lost with the addition of another three verses.

Hefner - The Hymn For Coffee

Louise left her scarf at the cinema during half term, so Sam and I called back there on Saturday morning to see if they had it.

"Hi," I asked the happy chappy checking e-tickets on mobile phones, "do you have a lost and found?"

"Yeah," said Stephen Patrick Morrissey's slightly less affable younger brother, "but you'll have to wait till I've checked all these people in to their films."

There weren't really any people waiting, just a couple going through the options on the automated booking screen. Eventually they finished buying their tickets and strolled over in a leisurely fashion to be checked in. 

"I suppose you better come with me then," said the gushing usher, leading us through to a dingy corridor and a door with a security code lock on it. When he opened it, we could just about make out a huge pile of coats, bags and other misplaced miscellany dumped on the floor in the corner of what looked like a cleaner's closet. "You can have a look in there, if you want."

"Is there a light?"

"No."

And so we began to rumble through the jumble. Every time we found something that might have been vaguely scarf shaped, we had to hold it out into the corridor where there was just enough light to discern vaguely recognisable details. Eventually we found the right one and went home.

"Thanks so much," I said as we left, "you're a life-saver!"

There was no reply as the gloomy flunkey shuffled back to his post.

Belle & Sebastian - Long Black Scarf

One final thing before I leave you to your day - what the hell have they done with Google Maps? 

They've changed the look so you can now see individual buildings, tiny little house and office shapes rather than just the blocked out areas of grey that used to represent buildings. It's very distracting when you're driving (and I rely on Google Maps far more than I used to, purely because I'm often on a tight schedule to get to and from work after dropping Sam off or picking him up from wraparound club). 

REM - Maps & Legends

Now I find my attention drawn not to the blue line representing my route, but to all the little shapes - is that really the shape of that house I'm driving past? Is their garden really so big? Is there a block to represent their garden shed? Does the new housing estate they're building show up, or is it still a field? If I have a crash sometime in the next few weeks, I'm telling my insurance company to call Google for compensation. 

The Front Bottoms - Maps

It makes me wonder about the future too... how much more detail can they add to these apps? Will we soon have live satellite surveillance zapped into our phones? Will we be able to see people walking down the streets, stray dogs cocking a leg at tiny lamp posts, our own car pootling down the road, as seen from above? How much of it do we actually really need? I'm not so much of a luddite that I can't admit to finding Google Maps more useful than my trusty yet tattered old Road Atlas... but where does it all end?