7. After leaving Eastenders, Susan set up a shop for people who like to make things.
Susan Tully was in Eastenders (after being in Grange Hill, of course). I doubt Brian would get that clue, but I imagine he might recognise the picture.
I think I've smoked about three cigarettes in my life, and each time was to impress a girl. The same girl. I suppose I kind of liked the buzz, but not enough (thankfully) to become addicted or have any desire to spend any of my own hard-earned cash on the things. How many fewer CDs would have I have been able to afford, if I'd developed a habit? How many comics would I not have been able to buy?
My dad smoked cigars when I was a kid, and I always loved the smell of them. As he got older, and had less money, he switched to a pipe and tobacco. I've probably mentioned this before, but one day in his early 60s, a doctor told him, "you keep smoking that pipe and you won't be here in ten years time". So my dad quit, cold turkey, and lived another 30 years... although arguably some damage had already been done, and he struggled with emphysema and other bronchial disorders, and (old age aside), those were probably what got him in the end.
My Mum only smoked the occasional cigarette, at parties. Whenever I saw her with one in her hand, I became upset. I grew up watching some pretty graphic smoking ads on TV... from an early age, I was pretty well indoctrinated against fags... unless I thought I might use one to get a girl to like me.
It's hard to believe now just how much the smell of cigarette smoke used to be everywhere when we were teenagers... and how rare it is to smell them these days. It's all bloody vapes with the kids these days. Horrible things, with their claggy, artificial scents. Makes me feel a certain nostalgia for fag smoke... and definitely for cigars.
More tracks from Sam's inexplicably favourite in-car CD...
Track 11: Pat Benatar – Heartbreaker
Not one of Pat Benatar’s UK hits, I first heard this on the
soundtrack to the movie Nobody in which Better Call Saul star Bob Odenkirk
realises his action hero side as a mild-mannered office schlub who used to be a
John Wick style badass in a previous life. You can guess the rest.
Anyway, soundtracks can often breathe new life into old
songs, and this was certainly the case here. It’s not a Benatar
original – all her biggest hits were written by other people – and the song was
originally recorded back in 1978 by West Midlands rock chick Jenny Darren.
She appears slightly miffed that Benatar was the one who used it as a springboard
to fame and fortune.
Track 12: Squeeze - Pullin' Mussels From A Shell
I remember when I was compiling this CD for Sam, I had a
slight reservation over whether to include this track. I guess by this point
I’d already used all the obvious Squeeze singles (Cool For Cats, Up The
Junction, Labelled With Love, Hourglass) and this seemed the next obvious one
on the list, even though it never actually cracked the UK Top 40. BUT… is it a
suitable for little kids? The singalong title / chorus is a huge, mucky
innuendo, isn’t it? Oh yes, it is. Although I guess the only way you’re going
to know that is if someone tells you. If you’re reading this and you never knew
that “Pullin' Mussels From A Shell” was Chris Difford’s clumsy/genius* (*delete
as appropriate) metaphor for “the use of fingers to stimulate the female sexual
organs”… then I’m really sorry if that’s ruined the song for you. Despite this,
and the song’s lack of chart success (Were the two linked? Was radio hesitant
because of the innuendo?), iffypedia claims Pullin’ Mussels is one of the
band’s catchiest and most popular tunes. And who can argue with that? It’s a
high point on this compilation.
Track 13: Liam Frost - The City Is At A Standstill
While I have listened to more songs by Jake Bugg in the
hope of finding something as strong as Lightning Bolt, I can honestly say I’ve
never made a similar effort with Liam Frost… and maybe I ought to. As of this
writing, this is the only song I know from this Manchester lad, but it’s a
belter.
I know this world is vicious darling lets make tracks now Black out all the city lights and drink till we both grown
numb And lay down to sleep I feel like I ran all day
Liam doesn’t appear to have released anything new since 2019,
so I wonder if he’s packed it all in and found a day job? Shame if he has, and
I blame myself for not paying more attention. That's right: his entire career was dependent on whether I bought a couple of his records.
Sadly, I couldn't find any songs with a titular mention of the Rozzer, but they did once arrest Sir Thumbs Aloft for wearing a pink balloon about his foot...
Howzat! Hope I didn't catch you out yesterday. As the new cricketing season gets underway, here are a bunch of songs about the gentleman's game...
15. Named after Big Daddy and one of the Majors.
Big Daddy's real name was Shirley Crabtree. Lee was one of the Majors. Shirley Lee was formerly the lead singer of Spearmint, but here he is with an excellent solo tune all about one of John Peel's favourite songs... which we'll come back to at the top of this countdown...
"In cricket, a bye occurs when the ball passes the batsman's wicket without touching their bat or person, and the batsmen score runs from that delivery."
5. Querying the identity of Number One.
I suggest you approach today's Number One act and ask him, "U Roy?"
Apparently, Sheila Ferguson reckons that King (formerly Prince) Charles ruined her love life. Men didn't ask her out because they knew she was the Prince's favourite.
I've only got a handful of artists with the same name this week, but it's still a bit of a Squeeze...
SQUEEZE #1
In 1973, Chris Difford stole 50p from his mum's purse (stealing is wrong, kids) and used it to pay for an advert in the local sweetshop window. This strikes me as being rather an expensive advert in 1973. The web of lies tells me that 50 pence would be worth £7.58 today. That sweet shop was raking it in. Anyway, Chris's advert was for a guitarist to join his band. He didn't actually have a band, and only one person replied: Glenn Tilbrook. 50p well spent, though I hope he paid his mum back when they got famous.
Later joined by drummer Paul Gunn and the ivory-tickling Shoot-yer-nanny bloke himself, the group started out calling themselves Captain Trundlow's Sky Company and then Skyco, before settling on a name cheekily lifted from the final, much-derided Velvet Underground album (the one recorded by Doug Yule after everyone else had left the band).
Squeeze have recorded many great songs... but there's arguably none finer than the one that became a smash hit despite its complete lack of chorus.
SQUEEZE #2
Aussie soft-rockers from the 70s who arrived on the scene a year or so after the first collaboration between Difford & Tilbrook, and later became known as The Australian Squeeze. This is pretty groovy if you ask me (which nobody did).
SQUEEZE #3
Italian DJ / producer Salvatore Caltabiano has the distinction of being the first Squeeze to sign up to Discogs, forcing Glenn and Chris to make do with a Squeeze (2) designation. He also describes himself as a "contemporary dance music teacher / historian". I think I skipped that class, sorry. I listened to a couple of his tracks, and this was the most interesting, largely because of the African samples.
SQUEEZE!! #4
Japanese Ska band from the 21st Century. These guys made me smile; they're clearly living their best lives. (I hate that expression. Don't know why I used it.)
THE SQUEEZE #5
Aussie psychedelia from 2013...
SQUEEZE #6
Contemporary pop from Boston in 2020. Not bad, I suppose, for what it is...
SQUEEZE #7
And finally today, a London-based punk band from last year who don't appear to have found themselves a singer. Clearly they need to put an ad in the local sweet shop window...
Which one is your Main Squeeze... and which one makes you go Squeeze, Louise!? (Which was actually the name of a female punk band from the US in the early 80s.)
But just to broaden John's horizons a little, I thought I'd offer this one instead...
Squeeze appear to have stumbled into a Robert Palmer video there. Isn't it glorious? I'm also impressed that the subtitles tell me that "jazzy music plays" before the singing starts. I'm sure that'll make Messrs Tifford and Dilbrook's day.
And if that wasn't enough for you, here's a couple of alternative takes on that song...
One of the reasons I can't watch shows like Strictly or the X-Factor or any kind of talent-based performance TV is that I can't bear all the cheering. It sets my nerves on edge even when I hear it from the other room (which is where I'm usually consigned to when Louise and/or Sam is watching such fluffle). Particularly when I hear a cheering audience on a TV show, it all sounds so false. I picture some guy stood at the side of the stage holding up a "Cheer Now!" sign because the cheering never sounds sincere or spontaneous... it sounds like a performance in its own right.
It's the same thing at gigs. I've got no problem with applause - I'll stand up and clap with the best of them. But I never feel the urge to cheer... and I'd certainly never entertain the bastard son of the cheer: the whoop. But this does make me wonder... am I not enjoying the gig as much as the people who have to vocalise it in such fashion? Are their uncontrollable outbursts a sign that they're engaging with this experience on a much deeper level than I am? Is there something wrong with me?
...although that is up there as one of my all-time favourite theme tunes, from one of my all-time favourite TV shows. It makes me feel warm inside whenever I hear it. But this, while also being very good, has nothing to do with that...
Yesterday, Charity Chic felt the need to apologise on behalf of the entire Scottish nation for The Tartan Army. I replied that the English had done much worse. And here's Fat Les to prove it...
In case you've blanked them from your memory, I ought to remind you that Fat Les was a short-lived 90s band made up of Blur bassist Alex James, actor Keith Allen, and artist Damien Hirst. They all should have known better.
Here's Squeeze to take that nasty taste out of your mouth...
I got a job down at the warehouse I worked hard to pay the rent Rehearsing almost every evening Trying to make another dent Along the road that I had chosen The Generation Game of life Today I'm walking by the river Watching my children cycle by
I was too young to watch The Sweeney when it first aired in the mid 70s. All that violence, bad language and people being told to get their trousers on was too much for my young, impressionable mind. I did catch the repeats in the 80s, but by then I was more familiar with John "Regan" Thaw from Inspector Morse and Dennis "Carter" Waterman from Minder.
The Sweeney was a groundbreaking show in that it started to show the darker side of the force - from coppers who bent the law to get the job done to out and out corruption for personal gain. This coincided with a nasty time for the Scotland Yard Flying Squad the show was named after... and judging by recent reports, very little has changed in the past fifty years.
Oh, and it's another show with a legendary theme tune, written by jazz pianist and Georgie Fame collaborator Harry South...
Last week, Rigid Digit reminded us that certain TV theme tunes appear to have been written soi that you can sing the name of the show over the dominant musical phrase of the tune. The Sweeney follows Hill Street Blues in that: "The Sweeney - The Sweeney - ba ba ba ba baa ba ba ba - The Sweeney - The Sweeney..." etc. I half-expected that technique to have been used on this track by The Filthy 3... but they rather botch it. Still, the video includes some entertaining cameos from the likes of Alvin Stardust, Frank Sidebottom and Terry Duckworth...
There's a whole story behind the creation of this next "lost" 1979 single by the band Speed of Life. It may well be a complete work of fiction, but it's a compelling one.
Of course, if you're not a Londoner, you might have trouble understanding the banter between Regan and Carter. Fortunately, Smiley Culture is here to help...
But first let me tell you more about the Cockney
Who live comfortably and have them yacht by the sea
And when it come to money most of then have plenty
But where them spend it? In the bookie
Lose it all on the dogs or on the gee gees
Or paying off them bribes to the Sweeney
So dem nah go do no time fi no armed robbery
Or catching anything that fell off the back of a lorry
That lyric's clearly a reference to today's undisputed champion... surely the greatest #2 hit to ever feature a whole verse devoted to popular TV cops...
The Sweeney's doing ninety 'cause they've got the word to go
They get a gang of villains in a shed up at Heathrow
They're counting out the fivers when the handcuffs lock again
In and out of Wandsworth with the numbers on their names
It's funny how their missus always look so bleeding same
And meanwhile at the station there's a couple of likely lads
Who swear like, "How's your father?" and they're very cool for cats
They're cool for cats
A rare lead vocal from Chris Difford too, looking about 12 in this video...
There are certain celebrities who are arguably more famous for the song they appear in than for their own career. I'm not sure Bette Davis is quite there yet, but all it'll take is Rhianna or Adele doing a cover of that Kim Carnes song and it'll be Whatever Happened To Bette D? Bela Lugosi, on the other hand, is surely known by more people now because of the Halloween favourite by Bauhaus than for any of his classic horror film performances.
The internet tells me "Bauhaus bass player David J wrote this song's lyric after bingeing on vampire movies that were showing on TV in England (this was before Netflix)", which is the kind of quote that makes me want to punch all Millennials in the face. Imagine true horror - "a world before Netflix"!
White on white translucent black capes
Back on the rack
Bela Lugosi's dead
The bats have left the bell tower
The victims have been bled
Red velvet lines the black box
Bela Lugosi's dead
Undead undead undead
The virginal brides file past his tomb
Strewn with time's dead flowers
Bereft in deathly bloom
Alone in a darkened room
The Count
Bela Logosi's dead
Undead undead undead
Bela Lugosi's Dead has been covered by a list of obvious suspects, including The Damned and Nine Inch Nails, but by far the best alternative version is this...
The song is considered the first Goth rock record (and my amazing powers of precognition tell me it'll be Number One in the No Badger Required "Goth! Show Me Magic" countdown which ends this morning). As such it gets its own references in the following tunes...
You'll have to listen to that one yourself if you want the reference because, "This artist does not want the lyrics to this song be posted on the internet."
And while this one doesn't mention Bauhaus directly, I reckon they had it on repeat in the studio...
You can see all the stars as you walk down Hollywood Boulevard
Some that you recognize, some that you've hardly even heard of
People who worked and suffered and struggled for fame
Some who succeeded and some who suffered in vain
Rudolph Valentino looks very much alive
And he looks up ladies dresses as they sadly pass him by
Avoid stepping on Bela Lugosi
'Cause he's liable to turn and bite
But stand close by Bette Davis
Because hers was such a lonely life
Bela Lugosi's story is a tragic one, plagued by type casting, dwindling fame, alcoholism and drug addiction. If you've seen the movie Ed Wood, you'll remember Martin Landau's stand out performance as a latter day Lugosi. I can't help but think of that when I listen to the song above. Speaking of Ed Wood, Bela also makes a cameo appearance in this slice of glorious nonsense...
Here's Brian Wilson's mate, with some lyrics I can't quite make out (though I disagree with what the interweb thinks they are) although they do namedrop Bela alongside Bing Crosby and Mae West...
Death will be unlike the charge of the Light Brigade
Alfred Lord Tennyson rhymed
Death will be unlike the thin piece of paper
That Reagan and Gorbachev sign
Death will be unlike the night thoughts of 'Late Call'
When ministers stop being cosy
Death will be unlike 'The Pit and the Pendulum'
Co-starring Bela Lugosi
I'll be honest: there were so many songs that referenced Bela Lugosi, I started to wonder what death would be like when faced with the prospect of listening to them all. So I gave up. But not before I'd discovered this glorious artefact from Malcolm Tucker and the Twelfth Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi, back when he was just a young lad in a post-punk band...
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