My Top ∞ Radio Songs #14: My First Boss - No Static At All

My first boss may have damaged me for life, by leading me to have unrealistic expectations of what bosses should be like. He was a human being for a start, humorous and generous, and although from time to time he did have to lay the law down, you always felt like he didn't want to have to do it. Almost like it pained him to do so. He was encouraging and supportive and helped me quickly progress from volunteering to an actual paid job. He virtually found a job for me where there wasn't one and gave me opportunities to develop my skills in all areas of the business... although looking back, I could have made more of those opportunities.

He wore a suit which was slightly too big for him and had huge square spectacles which made him very easy to cartoon. He had an unusual voice for radio which was often mimicked by the staff (myself included) but he indulged us. He wore bright red, patent leather boots, and if anyone ever asked him about them, he replied...

"The suit says 'management'... the shoes say ROCK 'n' ROLL!"

On occasion, I would co-present shows with him. I did this with a variety of jocks during my first few years: we'll get onto that. He played it mostly straight, I went for the sarcastic retorts. (Yes, I was Sidekick Simon.) He used to make out that he thought I was going to take a joke too far, get worried, fade me out in case I said something I shouldn't. I'd play up to that. An example: one time, I was complaining on air about another driver who'd cut me up on the way to work. I made out like I was going to read out the guy's registration number on air. The boss feigned panic and started the next record. It was a good routine.

I remember one time I was co-presenting a late show with him and he'd come up with a suitably banal phone-in competition called 'What's In My Brain'. It was very Partridge, long before Partridge was a thing, but knowingly so. He gave cryptic clues and people had to call in and guess what he was thinking about. The prizes were shit. A key-ring, a CD you'd never heard of from the chuck-out box, a car sticker. The switchboard glowed red hot. People liked that sort of thing back then. It was cheesy, but it was real. Nothing slick. The only clue I remember was something about 'Is there gas in my car?' I didn't get it myself at the time. Neither did many of the listeners. Kid Charlemagne hadn't even been a hit... 15 years earlier. Was it even a single in the UK? Somebody guessed it pretty quick though and we moved on to the next question.

14. Steely Dan - FM (No Static At All) 

When I started in radio, FM was still quite a big deal. A lot of people still called it VHF, and a lot of listeners still tuned in on Medium Wave (A.M.). But that would change very quickly. FM was taking over and radio was changing with it... 

I've never seen the movie FM, which Steely Dan wrote this track for. I'd like to, because it sounds right up my street: a bunch of rebel DJs fighting the sales people who want to turn radio commercial. Just like Rex Bob Lowenstein who started this series off. It's a theme I will return to again and again and again...

Worry the bottle Mamma, it's grapefruit wine
Kick off your high heel sneakers, it's party time
The girls don't seem to care what's on
As long as it plays till dawn
Nothin' but blues and Elvis
And somebody else's favorite song...

My Top Ten Goodbye Songs (WYCRA Tribute)

There was an excellent response to my requests for songs called Goodbye as a tribute to the late WYCRA blog. To remind you, the rules were simple... all you had to do was come up with songs called Goodbye.

Oh, by the way, I've abritrarily changed the scoring system...

1 point for every one of my songs you identify.


2 points for being the first to identify a song.

3 points if you can guess a song's position in my Top Ten.

1 bonus point if you suggest a song that's better than one in my Top Ten.

Clear? (As mud.)

Let's start with the elephant in the room, shall we? Goodbye-ee by Peter Cook & Dudley Moore. Being a little bit younger than many of you (sorry), I wasn't familiar with this at all. In fact, when it was suggested - by The Swede, Martin and C - I actually thought the Goodbye-ee in question must be this one. Anyway, I apologise for not having been born when Pete & Dud were on TV. You can all have a point for your advancing years.

Quite a few of you also thought Mary Hopkin might make the grade. I didn't have that in my collection but vaguely remembered it when I gave it a listen. A jaunty enough 60's tune... with the aloft thumbprint of Macca all over it. Can't say I preferred it to any of my Ten though. A bit too jaunty. I will give The Swede a point for suggesting Macca's demo version because - somewhat surprisingly - I found that quite nice.

Next... The Spice Girls? How many of you suggested the bleeding Spice Girls? Really? What is this, Smash Hits? I'm sorry, I know my record collection has some very bizarre corners, but there is no Spice Girls. Even I draw the line somewhere. 

The Swede also wondered if Shed Seven would be there. They came close, but it wasn't one of their most memorable efforts in my humble opinion. (Still better than anything Oasis ever did.) I'll give The Swede an extra point for The Universe though, which I was rather taken with. Couldn't find a properly recorded version of Jon Rae & The River, so I'm on the fence about that. As for Kevin Shields' instrumental Goodbye from Lost In Translation... nice and atmospheric, but instrumentals have to work very hard to get on one of my charts.

C trawled the interweb to come up with Miley Cyrus (now if it was Billy Ray, you might have been in with a chance, C: Billy Ray was a guest voice on Blaze & The Monster Machines the other day... so good to see him still getting work), Avril Lavigne (who's obviously working for Anne Summers now if the video is anything to go by), Alicia Keys and MØ. Obviously you think I'm a 16 year old girl, C, rather than a 45 year old boy. Still, you can have a point for each of those purely because they were all better than The Spice Girls. Alyson can have a point for Avril Lavigne too because I don't want anyone to go away pointless.

Other decent-ish suggestions came thick and fast... but no points for The Pretenders (from the soundtrack of G.I. Jane!) or Northern Uproar (a Northern Uproar b-side: you don't hear those every day). Sadly, I couldn't find Walter's Tracy Chapman offering anywhere on youtube, but I'm sure it's lovely. You can have a point for suggesting something I couldn't find, Walter.

Thanks all for taking part... though you only managed to guess half my Top Ten in the end...


10. The Psychedelic Furs - Goodbye

Nobody suggested this. You must all just be Pretty In Pinkers. Even if you're only familiar with that track and nothing else by the Furs though, this is unmistakably them.

9. Drive-By Truckers - Goodbye

Another one nobody guessed. Maybe I should have awarded myself a point for every one you didn't get.

8. Frank Sinatra - Goodbye (She Quietly Says)

I'm going to give Martin a point for Frank Sinatra, even though he went for this Goodbye, a completely different song, and one that's definitely better recorded. I prefer the lyrics of this one though, with Frank enjoying a coffee and a slice of cheesecake while gets the elbow.

7. Mansun - Goodbye

No fans of Mansun's third and final album out there? Shame.

6. Elton John - Goodbye

Well done to Martin again, who wins 2 points for Elton (I'm sure he'll be so proud). Madman Across The Water is my favourite album by Reg.

A late entry from George gets him a point for this too. 

I will also give Martin a point for having the gall to suggest Def Leppard. I wasn't familiar with that one. It's hardly in the same league as Let's Get Rocked.

And I'll give him two points for Air Supply, because he'll never live that down. 

5. Steve Earle - Goodbye

Well done to Charity Chic for guessing this one. 2 points. An extra point for suggesting Mary Gauthier - I didn't know that one from Mary, but it's rather lovely.

4. The Coral - Goodbye

One of their less-ramshackle offerings; sounds nice.

The Swede gets 2 points for being first to suggest this. Martin can have a point for it too.

3. The Czars - Goodbye 

Before John Grant was John Grant, he was The Czars. Not quite as good as anything he's done as John Grant... but still pretty great.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I love to see you fade and die
I love to see you kicking, screaming
As you try to reach the sky and die

2. The Sundays - Goodbye

2 points to Chris for being the first to suggest this. Three points each to The Swede and Martin who both predicted it would be Number 2. Bloody good going, even though you were wrong about my Number One.

(Harriet Wheeler. Sigh.) 

1. Billy Bragg - Goodbye Goodbye

You may recall that the WYCRA guys would, on occasion, allow the inclusion of a song which repeated their requested word. In their honour - and because it's Billy Bragg - I had to follow their guidance.

Following the same rules, I may have found room for The Swede's suggestion of Gudbuy Gudbuy, but Noddy Holder's spelling always keeps him behind after my class.

Brian can have a point for suggesting Oingo Boingo's Goodbye Goodbye though... because it's Oingo Boingo. Brian had some other great suggestions too, but soon realised he wasn't following the rules so said Goodbye.




Points? Maths never was my strong point, but I think...

Brian - 1 point

Walter - 1 point

Alyson - 1 point
George - 1 point

Chris - 2 points

Charity Chic - 3 points

C - 5 points

The Swede - 8 points

Martin - 11 points

Congratulations to Martin then, who wins my undying admiration. I really enjoyed doing this, and thank you all for taking part. It did bring home to me just how much time such a feature takes to put together though: more credit then to WYCRA and Jez who have both done such things on a regular basis. If I ever did anything like it again... and I am rather tempted, because everyone seems to enjoy playing along at home... I'd have to make it a monthly feature. Weekly would kill me.

My Top Ten 'When I Am King...' Songs

You could argue, of course, that pop stars already live like kings and queens, so the fact that they're always whinging about what they'd do if they had even more power and wealth is somewhat ironic. But what do we know? Peasants and commoners like us will never understand the woes of the rich and famous. (My humblest apologies if you are either rich or famous and still reading this. Please don't have me beheaded for my disrespect.)

Anyway, here's ten of the buggers to tell us about their kingly dreams...


10. Joe Walsh - Fun

Well, if I was king I'd sign a proclamation
And if I was president I'd pass a law
And I'd call for a full-blown Senate investigation
Of everyone who wasn't having fun

Joe Walsh did actually run for president in 1980, promising to make Life's Been Good the American national anthem and that he'd give free gas to everyone. Reagan still won by a landslide.

9. Marillion - Lavender

When Fish is king, dilly, dilly...

I haven't been able to take this seriously since Julia Davis danced to it in Nighty Night.

While we're in the 80s, I'd like to give a shout out to UB40 - Kingston Town...

And when I am king,
surely I would need a queen
And a palace and everything, yeah
And now I am king,
And my queen will come at dawn
She'll be waiting in Kingston Town

...and The Thompson Twins - King For A Day. (Tom would give it all away.)

And, though not actually from the 80s, really sounding like they should be: Steel Panther - If I Was The King... I think you might call that one NSFW, though I'm reliably informed it's a parody, they don't really think like that...

8. Great Big Sea - When I Am King

Great Big Sea are described by the interweb as a "Canadian folk-rock band" which makes me think of The Levellers with a maple leaf. So imagine my surprise when I discover they sound like Smash Mouth and The Offspring. Still, nice sentiment...

Well, the war's been won
All the fights are fought
You find yourself in just the spot
It's a place where everybody's got a song to sing
Just like the final movie scene
The prince will find his perfect queen
The hero always saves the world
The villains get what they deserve
The boy will always get the girl
When I am king

Also from the Charity Shop Roulette pile, and sounding not entirely dissimilar... Forever The Sickest Kids - King For A Day.

7. Three Dog Night - Joy To The World

If I were the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war
Make sweet love to you

Well, that's very nice of you, Chuck, but I think I'll pass.

(Three Dog Night had about 300 lead singers. Chuck Negron sung this one. It was written by the mighty Hoyt Axton. That's all you need to know.)

6. XTC - King For A Day

Leave it to Colin ('cos he wrote this one: I did check, just for JC) and Andy to bring us back down to earth...

I have a feeling that when these guys are kings, there won't be any kings anymore.

Well the way that we're living,
Is all take and no giving,
There's nothing to believe in,
The loudest mouth will hail the new found way,
To be king for a day

Similar party pooping sentiments come from Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King.

5. Weezer - King of the World

If Rivers Cuomo was king of the world, we'd all be able to ride a greyhound all the way to the Galapagos and stay for the rest of our lives. Which would be nice.

We are the small fish
We swim together
No Prozac or Valium
We’ll face tsunamis together

4. Gene - We Could Be Kings

Sadly, this planet never was theirs: but it really should have been with songs as good as this.

3. The Magnetic Fields - '80: London By Jetpack

Another one from Stephin Merritt's mighty 50 Song Memoir, which I'm still enjoying the hell out of even though I'm only on disc 2. I'll have to feature some more songs from this disc soon as it's a cracker. Anyhoo...

When I am monarch of the world
Weighed down by matters weighty
I'll live in London once more
And decree it's 1980
That all may dress as Pierrots
And pirates, like their king
And all will have jetpacks
From club to club we'll go zooming

At the club with no name
We'll dance again
Vivienne Westwood
Will be my queen

2. Neil Diamond - I Am, I Said

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king... and then became one?

Turns out that frog was Neil. And what did he do with his kingly success?

Go into therapy... and write one of his very best songs while he was there.

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Radiohead's Bohemian Rhapsody. When Thom Yorke is king, we'll all be first against the wall...





As you may have noticed, I couldn't find any songs about what Joni Mitchell, Kate Bush or Annie Lennox would do if they were queen for the day*. Hmm... I wonder what that tells us...

(*I am, however, happy for you to suggest them.)

What would you do if you were king / queen for a day?

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #13: How To Get A Job In Radio Part 2

I was still in school when I wrote the letters and drew the comic strips that would eventually lead to my first job in radio. I corresponded with a number of the jocks on the station at the time, but the one who tended to read out my letters the most was the afternoon presenter, who I soon discovered was also the programme controller. Perhaps being the boss meant he had even less time for show prep than the rest of his team... or perhaps he saw something in those nascent ramblings that made him think I had potential.



Eventually, I got up the nerve to ask him the big question: how do I get a job in radio? His response was two-fold: first, the obvious tip about trying hospital radio as a way of practising / honing my presentational skills; second... volunteer. Local radio stations back then were mostly struggling enterprises (hell, a lot of them still are today) and beyond the skeleton staff that ran the place, they often brought in volunteers to help out. It was a good foot in the door and many people, including some of the DJs working there, had started out that way.



The next part of his response floored me though. Because, as luck would have it, one of the station's current volunteers was about to leave to go off to university. Did I want to come in for a chat?

At 16, this was my very first job interview. I'd managed to escape without even a paper round until then. Although I would have earned more money on a paper round...



I don't remember much about the interview. I guess my mum drove me there: she did the same every Saturday morning once I started the job, until I got my driver's license. Which was pretty good of her considering the station was a good 40 minutes from home and I had to be there for 8.30. I have a vague recollection of asking my dad to borrow a suit, since I didn't own one, and him suggesting his demob suit from when he finished National Service 30 years earlier. I didn't take him up on the offer.



I turned up. They showed me round the station. I met the boss and some of the others I'd been writing to for months. It wasn't anywhere near as glamorous as it had seemed in my head. Scruffy basement offices. Egg-box soundproofing. Wires and Heath Robinson contraptions everywhere I looked. Old typewriters in the news room. The most exotic-looking technology: reel to reel and 8 track cartridges! A library full of vinyl, with a few shelves of CDs. And the smell... mostly fusty. But we'll get back to the smell another time. In Bradford, it depends which way the wind is blowing.



There wasn't a big interview. There wasn't a line of candidates begging for the job. It was pretty much: are you free on a Saturday morning, can you answer the telephone and make coffee? Can you start this week...?





13. Hall & Oates - Portable Radio



I love this disco-flavoured Hall & Oates nugget from 1979, because it reminds me of what radio used to be like. What it was like when I first set foot in those dingy offices back in 1988: what it stopped being soon after. It's kinda cheesy and amateurish, especially compared to the slick, soulful sounds H&O would become famous for in the 80s. It's fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously. Even the lyrics reflect a bygone era: far simpler times. Imagine... a portable radio! Battery operated! So you don't even have to plug it in! Cutting edge or what...

Well, I don't want to hear no static
And I don't want to hear no jaw
Put them platters on automatic
I cannot get enough
You got to give me more and more
Play some soul for the congregation
Rock n' roll for the kids next door
Charge up your batteries across the nation
Viva la portable radio!

WYCRA Tribute Top Ten: Goodbye

As many of you will know, the blogging firmament shines a little less brightly this weekend after the combined talents behind the excellent When You Can't Remember Anything made the decision to hang up their hats last week. JC, the Blogfather, has the full story here.

While I fully respect the reasons Badger, SWC and KC decided to call it a day, I'll still miss their blog a lot... and I was a pretty recent convert, so I imagine those of you who have been following their adventures for longer will be even more devastated.

Anyway, I threw out an idle suggestion in the comments of my own last post and C encouraged me to run with it (so blame her for this, not me). My favourite WYCRA feature, and one of the few blog posts that ever caused me to get out of bed earlier on a weekend, was The Saturday Song Challenge. Here, the guys would select a word (usually one word, occasionally a phrase) and encourage people to suggest songs with that exact title. Then they'd give out points to the best guesses, both from the five they'd pre-selected and for any new ones they liked the sound of. To be fair, the scoring system all got a bit crazy, and the comments section became a competitive free-for-all, but it was one of the most fun series in the blogosphere... at least until Jez resurrects The Chain.

So, in tribute, I thought I'd do something similar. Just as a one off. And as it would be way too disrespectful to steal the WYCRA idea outright, I've adapted it slightly.

And so, I present to you... My Top Ten Goodbye Songs...

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.


No, I haven't forgotten to fill in the titles and artists. I want you to do that. I have a list, and I will give out points. In a crazy, ramshackle way I'm sure the WYCRA people would appreciate.

1 point for every one of my songs you identify.

2 points if you can guess a song's position in my Top Ten.

1 bonus point if you suggest a song that's better than one in my Top Ten.

The only rule is, it's got to be called Goodbye... and nothing else. So no Goodbye To Love, Hello Goodbye or Goodbye Girl. Just Goodbye.

Goodbye.