Self-Help For Cynics #6: Conversations With Ben

Catch a shooting star and put it in your pocket

And your pants will start on fire

One bird in the hand or two birds in the bush

Neither do you any good, when you're stuck in the quagmire

Show everyone you're not sure that they're telling the truth

Then you can be known as the universal cynic too

Bad Religion - The Universal Cynic

Those of you who have been subjecting yourself to this nonsense for far too long will recall that during lockdown, one of the things that really helped me through was the conversations I had via Whatsapp with my former colleague and good friend, Ben. I shared many of those conversations here, as I felt they might on occasion prove entertaining to others, and also because it saved me having to come up with an idea for a post that day. I don't share our conversations so much anymore, not because Ben and I aren't still communicating, but because mostly we just talk about stuff that won't be of much interest to you guys. However, I wanted to share the following chat because it gave this series - and my "journey" (I hate using that word in this context) "of discovery" (ditto) regarding my mental health - a real direction. And it sets up some of the things I'll be talking about in future posts...

The Handsome Family - Your Great Journey

Ben:  How're you doing anyway?

Rol:  Not bad. I'm trying positive thinking.

Stop laughing.

No.

Really.

Stop.

I think that's great actually.

Really helped with my anxiety and low feelings.

REM - Low

I tend to have a few mantras now. Not the shitty religious or spiritualist foo foo ones, but something a bit more grounded.

And then there's the questions and the senses stuff. They really help.

Explain?

Questioning the logic behind thoughts when you spiral. My doc told me to get this book about anxiety and mental health. Not a woowoo book but by a scientist that kind of explains and outlines that actually your brain is a monkey organ that is essentially forced to learn to function in a developed society so it's more about biological survival urges that are misunderstanding what it's being presented with. 

George Michael - Monkey

So questions like "is what you think is happening, happening?" Or "is there any evidence to support that thought?".  And the senses stuff is the non woo woo and more psychological version of mindfulness which is meant to just calm and relax you in the moment but with no snake oil of improving your whole life. When feeling overwhelmed by anything, you sit and spend ten to thirty seconds on all your senses, just mentally describing their sensation. The key is to not explain the sensations, just describe them. Say you start with your taste, maybe it's a bit iron-ish because you've got an ulcer, or you can taste your coffee from earlier still and still some sweetness from a bit of bread stuck in your tooth slowly turning its carbohydrates into sugar. Then touch. What's the chair you're sat in feel like? What's the back support? Maybe one point is sticking into you and it's got leather on the seat that feels cooler on your body than the rest of the chair. Can you feel the lanyard hanging off your neck, how's the top you have on? Then go through the other senses. The whole point is to completely take you away from thoughts running away and just rooting you in a material reality. Really helpful.

Talking Heads - Sugar On My Tongue

There were a few books but two  of the main ones were Unfuck Your Brain by Faith Harper and Don't Feed The Monkey Mind by Jennifer Shannon.

Thanks. I'll look into those. 

What you describe is kind of the process I've adopted, in a ramshackle, amateurish fashion. But I've become interested in the subject (not the rainbows and unicorns side of it) and have started reading up when I get the opportunity. Trying to find the way to approach it while still maintaining my essential cynical bastard side.

Amy Rigby - Cynically Yours

I think there's a lot of spiritual bullshit and business focussed books on the matter and poor support. But those books are what my GP told me to read as, in his words, "look, you're a scientist, so self help bullshit won't work, you need to really understand what's happening in your brain". And the techniques, I think, work particularly well and it's not offering snake oil promises of cures but rather they're intended to help in the moment when you need it.

I'm not a scientist, but I have the same reaction to self hell BS, so this is appreciated. I've started a thing on my blog called Self Help for Cynics in which I try to sift through the dross and find usable nuggets. With extra help from songwriters. Writing has always been a help, as is music, so I'm combining them all.

The Cynics - I'm In Pittsburgh And It's Raining

There's so much of it that preys on selling bullshit and something for people to believe in. I just want to understand it and have coping mechanisms, which is all science can handle.

And I know it's kind of hard to break out of the men have to keep it together thing, but you know I'm about.

Cheers. Never really been one of those types anyway. 

I gather, with your love for Morrissey and pop in general.

Marshall Crenshaw - Cynical Girl

I just need to do something to fix my mindset.

But still. You've got a millennial friend. We're much more open to talk about these things. I know the acerbic wit is our basis, but I like you alive and well.

Teenage Fanclub - Song To The Cynic

Appreciate that, but I'm not about to top myself. Just want to get through the week without ping-ponging between anxiety, rage and other emotions I can't find the right words for because it's very late.

I'm not saying you are, but more so I mean life, when in the depths can be colourless and you become a shell of a person... but I prefer the acerbic wit and humour of you not in that position and the negative impact that has on life.

Now for a put-down to equalise our friendship: Morrissey is a wanker.

Hardly a point of contention these days. And yet...

And there's no-one left to blame

Oh, tell me when will you...

When will you accept your life?

(The one that you hate)

For anything is hard to find

When you will not open your eyes