Product Placement #23: Tizer

I honestly thought this was going to be one of those retro posts of the "Do you remember Tizer?" variety. I mean, I haven't drunk fizzy pop for a long time, so I guess I'm out of the loop, but surely they don't still make Tizer?!?

Turns out they do. And according to iffypedia, all attempts to make it slightly healthier, less sickeningly sweet and artificial, have been failures. In 2007, they tried to add real fruit juice and remove all the fake flavourings, colourings and sweeteners, but the relaunch bombed and they went back to the original. A similar attempt to launch Diet Tizer fell on deaf tastebuds, despite the bus shelter adverts that used a funhouse mirror to make you look thinner. Just when I thought the advertising industry had sunk as low as it's possible to go...

That said, I did approve of the earlier 80s slogan: "You Can Tell It's Tizer When Your Eyes Are Shut". Yeah, because it's bloody awful.

Anyway, despite all this, there are a bunch of great tunes that mentioned "Tizer the Appetizer"... so let's crack on with them shall we? And who better to launch our celebration of this Great British pop than Steven Patrick himself...

Your boyfriend, he

Went down on one knee

Well, could it be

He's only got one knee?

I tried to surprise you

With Vodka

Or, Tizer

I can't quite remember

But you didn't thank me

You didn't even thank me

Because you never do

Morrissey - King Leer

I know a lot of people didn't appreciate Morrissey's stand-up routine when Kill Uncle was released in 1991, but looking back, those were the glory days when he still had a sense of humour.

Next, a rather obscure little number from Mr. MacManus, taken from the soundtrack of a 1983 British comedy movie of the same name. Long time since I've heard this...

The last thing I remember I was talking to some fellas

Then she said she'd have a word for me with her good-looking mate

And handed me a pint-pot filled with Advocate and Tizer

And I woke in the flowerbeds of fear and fertilizer

Elvis Costello - Party Party

And now, because clearly I have no shame, here's Marti Webb with a short burst of Andrew Lloyd-Weber...

There are lots of things I miss, mum

No one makes a normal sandwich

You need Goliath's mouth to eat

The ones New Yorkers buy

I long to find a drink

That hasn't got an ice cube in it

And for a sip of Tizer

I swear I would gladly die

Marti Webb - Second Letter Home

I'm hoping you find some Helen Love preferable to that...

Can't stop Julie and her synthesizer

She's got more fizz than a bottle of Tizer

Helen Love - We Love You

And now for something properly bonkers...

These are your orders, seems like it's do it or die

So please read them closely

When you've learnt them be sure that you eat them up

They're specially flavored with burgundy, Tizer and rye

Brian Eno - Back In Judy's Jungle

Apparently, Grace were a "neo-progressive rock band" from the mid 90s. I have no memory of them, and Discogs was no help in sifting them out from hundreds of other Graces, but here they are anyway...

Balsa planes and Airfix ships

Vinegar on greasy chips

Tizer gives you squeaky lips

Grace - Sing Something Simple

Today's runner up is the title track from the third Deacon Blue album in 1991...

Fellow hoodlums and engineers

The Union's south

And we're all here

I'm going up Buchanan Street

With a box of fireworks

And two bottles of Tizer

Deacon Blue - Fellow Hoodlums

And that would have been the winner, were it not for the irresistible combination of David Gedge and comedian Sean Hughes on this wonderful Cinerama tune...

I don't remember when we first met. She was just always there, small and meek, a sly curl about her lips that drew me in. We spent the Summer days in an orange tent in the garden, feeling dizzy in the heat, drinking warm Tizer. Then one day a rush of flying ants flushed us out, blinking into the sunlight, swarming around us as we ran. We tried to lose ourselves in the woods, shutting our eyes and bumping into trees, smelling the wild garlic underfoot. But she always knew the way. Maybe she cheated, but I just thought she was smarter than me.