Self-Help For Cynics #9: Defusion

At the end of my last Cynical Self-Help post, I'd just stumbled onto Cognitive Defusion. This is something I'd seen mentioned in a number of the books and websites I've been cynically surveying, I just hadn't come across that exact name before. 

The Psychology Group defines it thus...

Defusion is a skill or technique that is primarily used to detach, separate, or get some distance from our thoughts and emotions.

Basically, it means if one day you wake up thinking, "I'm a bit rubbish at this thing called life, aren't I?", the way to address is is by recognising that what you're thinking is just a thought. It's not about arguing with the thought, "hey, don't be silly, you're great and you know it!" It's very important that I emphasise that right at the start, because we all know that when you're feeling crap, trying to tell yourself you're not really crap (or, even worse, having someone else tell you you're not really crap) is the worst thing you can do. Let's look at an example of what I'm talking about from the world of popular song...

Soy un perdedor

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

If I were Beck, I would use defusion like so...

"I see I'm having a thought about being a loser. Thanks for that, brain."

What I would not say is...

"Hey, don't be silly, Beck. You're not a loser. You've had hit records, you've got lovely hair... you even know some Spanish!"

Defusion isn't about arguing with your brain. It's about recognising that thoughts are just that, thereby giving yourself some distance from them. 

Let's practice some defusion techniques with a few more insecure pop stars...

Never win first place, I don't support the team

I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean

Teachers dated me, my parents hated me

I was always in a fight, 'cause I can't do nothing right

Every day I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else

 

P!nk - Don't Let Me Get Me

I see you're having those self-destructive thoughts again, P!nk I wonder why that is? I wonder where it came from? I wonder how long it will last?

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here

Radiohead - Creep

Thank you, Thom. Your brain's contribution is most welcome. 

Apparently it helps if we are sarcastic or take the piss out of our negative thoughts; again - not to argue with them, just to help us see them as little blobs of brain energy that are no more real than daydreaming about becoming an astronaut or marrying Kate Winslet.

(Get off her, Alan - she's mine!)

So, now I am a was

Now I am a was

I started at the top

And I worked my way down

Morrissey - Now I Am A Was

Yeah, but you've only got yourself to blame for that, haven't you, Moz?

Sorry, that last one wasn't defusion. Just the truth. There's no helping some people.

Defusion as a technique isn't only suggested for tackling negative thoughts of the self-loathing variety, but any unpleasant thoughts, feelings or sensations that plague us.

David Woodcock - Why Does My Heart Still Ache So Much?

That's it, David, you're noticing the sensation and you're questioning it. Good use of defusion right there.

Getselfhelp.co.uk suggests using metaphors to help you recognise that your thoughts are just thoughts. As an English teacher, I whole-heartedly approve. Here's a couple of examples... 

The Thought Train 

And his thoughts are full of strangers

Corridors of naked lights

And his mind once full of reason

Now there's more than meets the eye

Oh, a stranger's face he carries with him

And at heart

He's full of strangers

Dodging on his train of thought

Train of thought

A-Ha - Train Of Thought

Thoughts are just like trains that pass through our heads. We don't have to get on board any of those trains. We can just stand on the platform and watch them pass. Even trains that dawdle around the station, you know that eventually they'll move on. If a train approached the platform that looked unsafe or scary, or the driver looked like a complete and utter psycho, we wouldn't get on board if it were a real station. So we don't have to get on board any of these freaky, disturbing thought trains either. We can just wave at them and let them go.

The Lilac Time - The Girl Who Waved At Trains

Don't Blame The Weather Mind

Into each life, some rain must fall

Too much is falling in mine

Into each heart, some tears must fall

Someday the sun will shine

The Ink Spots - Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall

We learned a long time ago that we can't control the weather. If it's chucking it down, we just have to wait for it to stop. Or if we know the rain's coming, we can prepare ourselves. Put on a big coat, grab an umbrella. And we can also have a good moan about it too. Actually, having a moan about the weather does really help, because when we do, other people generally agree with us and moan back, and we realise we're not alone and everybody gets pissed off by it. (And it's not just the rain - just wait for it to get too hot, then the whinging really starts!) It's actually much easier for us to talk about the weather than it is the thunderstorms and heatwaves in our brain... but the result is usually the same if we start talking about those as well. 

Bob Dylan - A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall

Since I started writing this series, I've found it heartening that so many people have shared comments that show they think or feel the same way I do. Although (as I've said before), that's not why I'm doing this. I'm doing it because reading the books isn't enough for me to learn, I need to write it out in my own words, convert it into my own language, process it, understand it, know it well enough that I can put it into practice. But also to challenge it, from a lifelong cynic's perspective. Although I am finding it easier to not be so cynical, the more I do this. Those metaphors above, I might well have turned my nose up at them a couple of years back, or dismissed them with a haughty laugh. Now though, I actually find them useful. It's a slow process, but maybe I am finally starting to train my brain to think differently. We'll see...

Now that we are lonely

Life seems to get hard

Alone: what a word lonely

Alone: it makes me cry

Thought-train set in motion

Wheels in and around

Express our emotion

Tracks up then it cracks down

We've been running round in our present state

Hoping help will come from above

But even angels there make the same mistakes in love

In love, in love