So this is Christmas...

...and what have you done?

I know what you've probably not done... sat down at a computer to surf the blogosphere looking for appropriate Christmas tunes.

And even if you have, all you're getting from me is this perennial favourite...

 

Repent sinners!

This pagan holiday full of tree worship and fairy lights is an affront to Jehova!

The candy cane is Satan's walking stick!

Merry Christmas from the Handsome Family

(And me.)

Time To Make The Gravy

I never see much point in writing a blog post for Christmas Day - I'm sure you've all got far better things to do with your time than read my inane ramblings. Still, I would like to thank you all for putting up with this drivel for another year. You're a very special bunch. I hope you have the Christmas you deserve.

Here are some Christmas songs I'm not yet sick of, starting with Rhett Miller's band, The Old 97s, who made a surprising guest appearance in last year's Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special on Disney+. 

If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head

But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower

They also do a song with Kevin Bacon, because who wouldn't want to do a song with Kevin Bacon if they got the chance?

The Old 97s & Kevin Bacon - Here It Is Christmastime

BBC Radio Scotland DJ Ian Anderson plays Australian songwriter Paul Kelly's How To Make Gravy every year at this time. It's about a convict writing a letter home to his family at Christmas and it's become a firm favourite.

Now here's his Bobness with his madcap cover of Mitch Miller's festive tune from 1960...

Andy Burrows & Tom Smith made one of my favourite Christmas albums in 2011. The post-relevant NME gave it 1/10 which makes it a winner in my book. 

Finally, the best Christmas song ever written by The Handsome Family... 

Christmas All Over Again

I was just going to post my favourite Christmas song again by the Handsome Family, but the other day I heard this old one from Tom Petty and one verse in particular made me chuckle.

Long distance relatives

Haven't seen 'em in a long, long time,

Yeah, I kind of missed 'em

I just don't wanna kiss 'em, no

And it's Christmas all over again, yeah, again

Thank you for sticking with this blog over the past 12 months, for reading and commenting and playing along with my silly quizzes. You kept me going through the dark days and helped me find a light at the end of the tunnel.

Here's wishing you all a very happy Christmas and a much better 2022. 

Grumpy Old Men At Christmas

Actually, they're not really that old... they just like old sounds and sounding old.

Tom Smith & Andy Burrows have already cropped up on My Top Twenty-One of 2021, but did you know (do you care?) that they first collaborated ten years ago on a Christmas album, of all things?

I've been listening to it a lot in the Yuletide run-up, and I thought I'd recommend it as an alternative to the "same old songs" if you're already sick of them.

My favourite track, it goes without saying, is the one that references a famous Christmas song from New Jersey. Not that Bruce wrote it, or recorded the original version, but it's still hard for me to accept that the opening line on every single recording isn't "It's all cold down along the beach".

Smith & Burrows, being grumpy young men, take umbrage with the fact that we shouldn't really be singing "Santa Claus is coming to town" in the UK, since we're more likely to call the dude in red by another name. Then again guys, if you're avoiding the Americanisms, maybe you should have called your song "This Isn't New Jersey". Just saying.

Either way, it's a belter. And I don't think Bruce would object, since it's obviously done with love and respect. I mean, listen to that piano...

And we argue

As the snow seals us in for the night

You say 'Santa Claus is coming'

But I don't care what the song says

That's never gonna sound quite right

And this ain't New Jersey

Father Christmas is coming to town

You throw your drink in my face

Throw that look in my direction

And the radio plays on and on

Top Ten Christmas Songs 2020

 

By the time December 25th rolls around, you're probably sick of hearing the same old Christmas songs played over and over again on the radio... maybe even Fairytale of New York. 

So here are ten alternatives to brighten your Christmas morning. Not that I'd usually expect anybody to be wasting their Christmas Day reading this nonsense, but maybe in Christmas lockdown you'll find the odd five minutes...

10. eagleowl - Let's Save Christmas (The Ballad of Nakatomi Plaza)

Is Die Hard the greatest Christmas movie? No, that's It's A Wonderful Life. Die Hard is just the second greatest Christmas movie. This, however, is indisputably the best Christmas song about Die Hard...

Yippee-kay-yay

Lets save Christmas day

9. Billy Idol - Yelling At The Christmas Tree

Just hilarious. I love Billy.

Daddy's down at the pub

Full of Christmas cheer

Probably won't come home till next year

8. The Handsome Family - Stupid Bells

Repent sinners!

This pagan holiday full of tree worship and fairy lights is an affront to Jehova!

The candy cane is Satan's walking stick!

Merry Christmas from the Handsome Family!

7. Richard Cheese - Jingle Bells (Singing Dogs Version)

Sam's favourite Christmas song. Listen and you'll see why.

6. GUMS - It's Christmas, I'm Sorry

Does the snow that falls on Leith

Also fall on Pollockshields?

There's a question for our Scottish friends to ponder on over Christmas...

5. Louis Armstrong - 'Zat You, Santa Claus?

Another of Sam's favourites. (And mine.)

4. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Christmas wishes to all the kitties in the world - Colin brings you love, and lots of tuna juice.

3. The Futureheads - Christmas Was Better In The 80s

Well, obviously.

 Great song. Least festive video ever recorded.

2. Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler - (Don't Call Me) Mrs. Christmas

From one of the best Christmas albums of the 21st Century. Every track's a classic. 

1. The Black Arts - Christmas Number One

What do you get when you combine Black Box Recorder with Art Brut? A perfect recreation of the golden age of Christmas pop songs. A 70s glam stomper... with a sly postmodern cynicism.

We threw in some sleigh bells and some other festive stuff

A video with artificial snow, like the devil's own dandruff

 

HERE'S THE COMPLETE TOP TEN AS A FULL YOUTUBE PLAYLIST.

Happy Christmas, everyone. Let's make the most of it. Remember what Bruce keeps telling me, to get me through the year...

Someday we'll look back on this

And it will all seem funny...

Worst Ever Christmas Video #1

Normally I won't hear a word said against Daryl Hall & John Oates. They've made some fine, fine records in their day, particularly Abandoned Luncheonette, which is a classic.

However, in the spirit of Christmas, Louise was doing her best to educate Sam in old Christmas tunes the other day and recorded a Top 20 Christmas Videos show from the telly-box to put on while we were decorating the tree. (Well, while they were decorating the tree. I just do the grunt work.) All the usual suspects were present - Wham, Chris Rea (who seems to have recorded an updated video for Driving Home For Christmas in 2009 featuring Carol Decker, Jimmy Greaves Lionel Blair... it goes beyond surreal) and Roy Wood - and then there was this...



I believe that may well be the worst Christmas video I have ever seen. What were they thinking?

However, I stand to be proved wrong. So this is your challenge...

You have only two weeks to find one that's worse.

I'll run the winners on Christmas Day. Unless nobody can think of any that are worse. In which case, I'll just play this one again.

Seasonal Snapshots

And so it comes time to wish you all a Merry Christmas... and what better gift than a special edition of Saturday Snapshots to keep your mind working over the next few days of joy / hell (delete accordingly).

In tribute to the late John Peel, here are fifty festive photos with clues that link to 50 seasonal songs. Title and artist, please.

No rush to answer them all in one go, I'm taking a blogging break now... but I will try and get the answers up before the decorations come down.

Have a great holiday and thanks for reading this tripe all year. Sometimes you guys are the only thing keeping me sane...



50. What this is. By Father Jack (before he became Father Jack).

49. Onomatopoeia, December 2016.

48. A bit of turkey on the side? Shocking!

47. Two terms of endearment about the Ghostbusters big bad.

46. When I was a lad, this time of year actually meant something. Let's go back... shoulders, knees and toes.

45.Marilyn's U.N.C.L.E. dies hard in the cold.

44. One of the Greats... like the Monkees sang.

43. Wet lips in Las Gow.

42. Here comes the Super Trouper: Chaka Khan not pictured.

41. David Copperfield comes back - don't mention the presidents!

40. Pale James celebrates the 25th.

39. What Obi Wan does when wrapping, lego.

38. Ho ho ho, for no man.

37. Useful for taking a 14th Century photo. Make sure you wrap up warm!

36. Skinny 13th: this is what I was, many years ago. (Bit unfair that. You have to guess my mum's name to get this one.)

35. Make sure you leave a good tip: not just gaudy paper.

34. Mrs. Claus never comes late to The Stranger.

33. Have a flavourless Christmas drink that'll knock you off your feet... you'll despise it!

32. Watch out for thin ice, Roberta.

31. Dickens gives a crazy festive sermon on the afterlife.

30. A cat's chorus for the lady who catches a ride with Chris Rea.

 

29. Better than Lois Lane and Lana Lang. Townies need not apply.

28. Penguin or ptarmigan? This one's worth a mint.

27. Spider-Man - Santa's here!!! (No B. Definitely no B.)

26. What a major needs to be able to twirl a baton properly. Will help you keep afloat over the next few days.

25. A short seasonal lord (and his snowy chum) protest plans to overturn the hunting ban. (Snowy chum not pictured.)

24. Scrooged from the ashes: turkey for one.

23. A deep simile.

22. The Whale and his Brother won't save you.

21. Freedom! Don't wake up, or it's dead.

20. Batman takes his mask off in the shower. This is what he asks FathEr ChrisTmas for.

19. Sounds like a job for Fagen... Rejoice!

18. Strangeways, here we come a-wassailing. Putting the R in Christmas tree.

17. Marlon sends Saint Nick to where Elvis's snow flies.

16. A scheming motor dealer shares a brilliant award at Dawn, Day and Night.

 

15. Pussy's boots require stockings, dad!

14. A big southern, malignant Frenchman gives you a Christmas kiss.

13. French footballers moan about only getting one lot of presents.

12. Trivial repetition.

11. Join the main gang to solve the Missing Joy Mystery.

10. A child's scribbled reindeer.

9. Selina and the infant Kringle.

8. The place where Frankie Muniz comes from. Genuine Christmas cheer.

7. The first letter I (what a fellow!) comes round to do the festive dusting, polishing and tidying.

6. Feels Yule. (All in festive rhyme)

5. Sleep, Oscar. I was born in Huddersfield. Still there now. Probably die there.

4. The grim siblings take a bite of a maggoty apple.

3. Christmas arrives late for young people... but the big man will still join the band.

2. Good-looking relatives jingle idiotically.

1. Eponymous dark magic.

And the prize? Peace on earth and good will to all men & women, obviously...