I stumbled across this old Fist of Fun clip on the Tube of You last week, in which Stewart Lee and Richard Herring play two very different teachers. I'm sure we all recognise the stereotypes. It made me wonder, what type of teacher will I be remembered as? I'd like to think I'd be midway between the two... without the cringe on either side. But we can never knew how others might see us, particularly students...
I wonder what kind of teacher George was? Or Swiss Adam?
All of this made me realise there was a series to be had in songs about teachers. Many of which would be cancelled if they were released these days. All the more reason to celebrate them!
Here are the three best teacher videos I could think of off the top of my head...
By the time December 25th rolls around, you're probably sick of hearing the same old Christmas songs played over and over again on the radio... maybe even Fairytale of New York.
So here are ten alternatives to brighten your Christmas morning. Not that I'd usually expect anybody to be wasting their Christmas Day reading this nonsense, but maybe in Christmas lockdown you'll find the odd five minutes...
Is Die Hard the greatest Christmas movie? No, that's It's A Wonderful Life. Die Hard is just the second greatest Christmas movie. This, however, is indisputably the best Christmas song about Die Hard...
From one of the best Christmas albums of the 21st Century. Every track's a classic.
1. The Black Arts - Christmas Number One
What do you get when you combine Black Box Recorder with Art Brut? A perfect recreation of the golden age of Christmas pop songs. A 70s glam stomper... with a sly postmodern cynicism.
We threw in some sleigh bells and some other festive stuff
A video with artificial snow, like the devil's own dandruff
That's another of those song that claims to be the first rock 'n' roll record ever (there are hundreds of them). Brian seconded The Swede's suggestion... and Alyson thirded it. But I swore no more peer pressure this week.
The Swede also directed us back to the aforementioned Bonnie Prince Billy' cover... "or preferably the first version I ever heard of the song by The Trammps - discotastic!" I'll throw in this country version by Roberta Lee & Hardrock Gunter from my own collection. I'm sure there are many more. (You may prefer Rigid Digit's suggestion of Ivor Biggun's version... or maybe not.)
This week's winner was chosen as a rebuttal to all those many, many posts I write about growing older, sharing my Mid-Life Crisis with you all. It might also cheer up those of you who are a good few years older than me... or perhaps not, if you listen too closely.
Nils Lofgren - 60 Is The New 18
There's an obvious winner for next week in my head... and a less obvious runner-up. I'll be interested to see what you can come up with for 59 though...
The waking world is full of cynics' sighs Cynicism's a box I don't want to be in I'll stay in bed until I stabilize
Staying in bed. The dream...
7. Queen - It's A Hard Life I try and mend the broken pieces Oh, I try to fight back the tears Oh, they say it's just a state of mind But it happens to everyone
Because sometimes all you can do is say bad words to make you feel better...
That amazing grace Sort of passed you by You wake up every day And you start to cry Yeah, you want to die But you just can't quit Let me break it on down: It's the fucked up shit
Almost as soon as I posted Volume 1, my old friend Sally started protesting on Facebook. I'm sure she won't mind if I share her rant with you all now...
"Rol.
Rol. Rol, Rol, Rol, Rol, Rol, Rol, Rol, Rol... Where are all the
tear-streaked, self-hating women you introduced me to? What of Not
Pretty Enough? Footsteps Fall? Bloody Mother-Fucking Asshole? Maybe
that's not strictly self pity, but it sure felt like it to me. If you do
this again it should feature the mascara-streaked, the unnoticed
despite hours of prep, the gin-soaked, the Laydeez"
Well, who am I to refuse such a heartfelt plea? And yes, Sally was right: I was remiss in making Volume 1 all about miserable fellas. (Although I had forgotten just how much I used to share the misery with anyone and everyone way back when Sally and I worked in the same office.) And so, to redress the balance...
The thing about mining a rich seam like self-pity is that way down at Number Nine you'll find songs which would have been Number One on any other Top Ten. There's a brutal simplicity to Lucinda Williams' lyrics here, each line repeated over and over to hammer home the point...
Heavy blankets Heavy blankets Heavy blankets Cover lonely girls
But the kicker comes at the end when Lucinda reveals: she knows of what she writes.
Whenever I listen to the Carpenters, I'm reminded of John Cusack's opening monologue to High Fidelity... what came first: the music or the misery? Makes you wonder about poor, tragic Karen...
I'll say goodbye to love No one ever cared if I should live or die Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by And all I know of love Is how to live without it I just can't seem to find it
So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone And though it's not the easy way I guess I've always known I'd say goodbye to love...
I'll admit, when Sally suggested this one, I wasn't sure it fit the criteria. The titular "hero" is Loudon Wainwright III, and on the surface this is just Martha's semi-tongue-in-cheek attack on her father's longstanding habit of writing extremely autobiographical (if highly amusing) songs about his family... though frankly, Martha got off light compared to Rufus. But when you delve a bit deeper, it is gloriously miserable in its own way, and despite being one of her earliest songs, it might be Martha's finest hour.
And you have no idea
No idea how it feels to be on your own In your own home With the fucking phone And the mother of gloom In your bedroom Standing over your head With her hand in your head With her hand in your head
I will not pretend I will not put on a smile I will not say I'm all right for you When all I wanted was to be good To do everything in truth To do everything in truth
Now here's someone who really has a reason to feel self-pity. The sequel to the equally spectacular Love Child, here we find Ross's self-hating heroine moving away from home to escape the shame of being born in poverty to a "slum mum"... only to drown in guilt when that deserted and disowned mother dies lonely and heartbroken while her daughter parades around university pretending to come from a wealthy family.
Got a telegram
Mama passed away while making home made jam
before she died she cried to see me by her side
She always did her best
Ah cooked and cleaned and always in the same old dress
Working hard, down on her knees
Always trying to please
Mama, mama, mama can you hear me?
Mama, mama, mama can you hear me?
I'm living in shame
Mama, I miss you
I know you've done your best
Mama, I miss you
This song utterly destroys me. In a very good way.
I was going to disqualify this on the basis that it's written by two blokes (John Moore and Luke Haines), but then I realised it's not the only song like that in this list. Besides, it's the performance that matters, and Sarah Nixey makes this her own.
There is no creature in the known universe more well-versed in the fine art of self-pity than your average teenager, and our Top Three today demonstrates that perfectly with three slightly-older ladies turning to their teenage selves for devastating inspiration. Here Kasey Chambers turns romantic desperation into an artform, and then wonders...
Why do you see right through me?
That said, she's a novice when compared to the all-time champion of channeling teenage angst into a pop song...
At Seventeen may well have been written about the horrors of being a teenage girl... but sadly, most of the lyrics recall my own teenage woe with clinical precision...
To those of us who knew the pain Of valentines that never came And those whose names were never called When choosing sides for basketball It was long ago and far away The world was younger than today When dreams were all they gave for free To ugly duckling girls like me
1. The Shangri-Las - Past, Present And Future
Melodrama on a supremely epic scale was the Shangri-Las' stock in trade, and they certainly turned it up to 11 on this 1966 ode to joylessness. Set to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, it sticks a dagger into teenage heartbreak unlike any other record you'll ever hear. Sublime.
No surprise to find both Morrissey & Marr were fans...
That's Volume 2 out of the way. I hope you realise this series could run and run. Especially if you keep encouraging me. Misery does love company...
No, this isn't a chart full of Serge Gainsbourg and Plastic Bertrand (don't tempt me). Instead, it's ten songs about French things. And no, Lost In France doesn't count. And neither does Parisienne Walkways. Look, it's got to have French in the title, OK? Do try and stick to the rules.
Special mentions to The French Impressionists, The French Horn Rebellion and Everybody Was In the French Resistance...Now! I swear I'm not making them up.
The obvious one. Debbie Harry's biggest solo hit, yet hardly her finest moment. Apparently, this was written by the creator of the sitcom Two & A Half Men. Which would explain a lot, if it's true.
The sultry Sarah Nixey has an icy sangfroid which is definitely verging on the Gallic. Here she tells us how a little la la la saved her life...
I was at my wit's end Things were looking black It was getting pretty obvious I was never coming back I threw open window And I stood out on the ledge When the sweetest sound I've ever heard Pushed me back from the edge
Written by John Moore and Luke Haines, from whom we'll hear more shortly...
Another artist I've been listening to a lot in my dotage. Back when I had money, I bought a cheap box set of his early albums which has sat on the shelf gathering dust until poverty and desperation led me to dig it out. Wow. Thank you, poverty and desperation.
I'd always considered myself a Greatest Hits fan of Zevon but had never listened to any of his full albums. What a songwriter! Witty, acerbic, world-weary lyrics tied to some marvellous melodies... with a host of famous names helping him out in the studio. The French Inhaler is from his self-titled 1976 album and it features Glenn Frey and Don Henley on backing vocals. Elsewhere on the record are Phil Everly, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, Carl Wilson and half of Fleetwood Mac. And yet, this was never a hit. It's a great shame Zevon will go down in history as just the "Werewolves Of London" guy (great song though that is) because there was so much more to enjoy.
The French Inhaler is a bitter, post-break-up kiss-off to an ex. Yet despite the lyrical rancour, there's a real tenderness to the way Zevon sings it... even the lines below.
Loneliness and frustration We both came down with an acute case And when the lights came up at two I caught a glimpse of you And your face looked like something Death brought with him in his suitcase...
See also French Inhale by Snoop Dogg, which goes into rather too much detail about the whole filthy process for my liking. Still, it's Snoop.
Sam and his mum are finally home from the hospital so my time is pretty full...but here's another list I prepared earlier. Ten songs celebrating the arrival of a new life... sort of.
10. Lloyd Cole - Brand New Baby Blues
Obscure b-side, not available to listen to anywhere on the internet, but still a damned good song.
Tomorrow, Robert will hop a train and come back newborn. I dread to think what the fare will be for that. I hope he booked well in advance for a sizable discount.
8. Morrissey - At Last, I Am Born
The song Moz wrote the day after finally getting a shag.
I once thought that I had numerous reasons to cry
And I did, but I don’t anymore
Because I am born, born, born
And you think you have a problem with door-to-door salesmen and Jehova's Witnesses? Just be glad you've not got Art Alexakis singing through your keyhole.
The idea of a song written from the perspective of a newborn baby sounds like cheese on a stick. Thankfully, it's Bright Eyes... not Sting.
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said "this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"
I've already posted and will post a lot more songs dealing with what it feels like to become a father. This is one of the best I know about what a mother goes through...
Shakin' all over like an old sick dog
There's a needle here, needle there, tremble in the fog
It's a tight squeeze, vice grip, ice and fire
Hot little treasure and the wave goes higher
1. Elbow - Newborn
I'll be the corpse in your bathtub...
...isn't, perhaps, the most romantic opening to a love song... but that's Guy Garvey's gift: to find beauty in the bleakest of places.
We Brits don't call them highways... and they're the antithesis of freedom and romance. And yet... there's more songs about motorways than you'd expect. Remember these next time you're stuck in a three hour tailback on the M6...
There are obvious nods to Kraftwerk in the backing track (and no, an Autobahn is not a motorway), but the lyrics take us in a much more bizarre direction, updating a biblical journey to a world of solar-panelled rooftops and crumbling cooling towers... ivy-clad reminders of a long-forgotten power. Metaphors aplenty to keep your mind active when the cones crowd round.
...obviously sounds like it's going to present a more realistic, less romanticized vision of the English motorway system. And apart from the incongruous reference to 'gasoline fumes' (petrol, surely, Ray) you'd struggle to find truer words than these...
Motorway tea is warm and wet, The rain is a pouring and it's four in the morning, And it's all I can get. You've never seen loos like motorway loos, Thousands of people passing through, It's enough to put you off of your motorway food.
OK, so strictly speaking, this isn't about a motorway. It's about taking the A-road, the OK-road, that's the best. Hence, it's about NOT going on the motorway. Which is fine with me...
You may hate the M25. You may have nightmares about the M6. But the motorway that has been the bane of my existence for the last twenty-five years is the M-bloody-62. I truly believe it to be the worst motorway in the country, especially the stretch between Manchester and Leeds.
This would have been a much nicer song had they not named it after Satan's Driveway.
Every time I listen to The Long Blondes now, I get sad they aren't around anymore.
Wipe your eyes darling, it's OK Meet me on the dual carriageway Separated by motorways The A14 and the A1 Separated by motorways Two lonely girls go on the run
Richard Thompson looks through a mirror darkly crack'd and sees the Neighbours theme tune, distorted and disturbing.
A man has an inflatable doll made that looks exactly like his wife He murders his wife, dissolves her body in acid, and marries the doll Three years later he leaves her for another doll
If you don't know what this is doing here, you probably shouldn't click the link above. specially if you're offended by gratuitous violence against yuppies.
In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.
Many artists have covered Leon Payne's dark and haunting first person psycho narrative, but Elvis is the one who nails it for me. Sends shivers down my spine every time... especially the bleak twist at the end.
Those are the songs that set my sanity slipping. Which one sends you to the rubber room?
