Emergency Questions #5: Take My Advice

William S. Burroughs & Bill Laswell - Words of Advice for Young People 

Another query I stole from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions, with the hope of hearing your answers...

What's the best advice you've ever received and ignored?

Sometimes I wonder about this. Chances are though, if you ignore some advice and end up regretting it, you'll probably edit your memories to forget you were ever given that advice in the first place. Well, that's how my memory works, anyway.

Colin Clary - I Only Give You Bad Advice Because I Love You

Tom Cochrane - Friendly Advice

William Pears - Sound Advice

My parents would have loved me to go to university after my A Levels, but I was determined I wanted to go work in radio for no money instead*. My parents never pushed me though... they let me make my own mistakes and find my way back. Possibly this came from my brother who left school to pursue an accountancy course, hated it, quit, got a milk round, saved up, bought himself a digger and went on to become a very successful builder. Maybe they thought I would follow a similar path. 

(*Literally: for the first couple of years, I did not get paid.)

Chicago - Bad Advice

Roy Acuff - Advice To Joe

Jefferson Airplane - Great Society: Free Advice

I didn't, but I did eventually end up going back to university while I was working nights at the radio station, thereby having my cake and eating it. Because as well as wanting to be a DJ, I also wanted to be a writer. Somebody probably should have given me some advice about that as well.

The Silver Jews - Advice To The Graduate

Freeze Frame - Seeking Professional Advice

The Knack - (The Man From The) Marriage Guidance And Advice Bureau (that's a Namesake Knack)

It might have been better had someone advised me to go away to university rather than staying in my hometown... socially, at least, it might have made more well-adjusted human being... but on the other hand, I did finish uni without any student debt, and there's not many people who can say that.

Tears For Fears - Advice For The Young At Heart

Tijuana Panthers - Advice

Robert Smith - Very Good Advice

Did anyone ever advice me not to start writing a blog? God, I bet you wish they had...   

What's the best advice you've ever received and ignored?

Top Ten Christmas Songs 2020

 

By the time December 25th rolls around, you're probably sick of hearing the same old Christmas songs played over and over again on the radio... maybe even Fairytale of New York. 

So here are ten alternatives to brighten your Christmas morning. Not that I'd usually expect anybody to be wasting their Christmas Day reading this nonsense, but maybe in Christmas lockdown you'll find the odd five minutes...

10. eagleowl - Let's Save Christmas (The Ballad of Nakatomi Plaza)

Is Die Hard the greatest Christmas movie? No, that's It's A Wonderful Life. Die Hard is just the second greatest Christmas movie. This, however, is indisputably the best Christmas song about Die Hard...

Yippee-kay-yay

Lets save Christmas day

9. Billy Idol - Yelling At The Christmas Tree

Just hilarious. I love Billy.

Daddy's down at the pub

Full of Christmas cheer

Probably won't come home till next year

8. The Handsome Family - Stupid Bells

Repent sinners!

This pagan holiday full of tree worship and fairy lights is an affront to Jehova!

The candy cane is Satan's walking stick!

Merry Christmas from the Handsome Family!

7. Richard Cheese - Jingle Bells (Singing Dogs Version)

Sam's favourite Christmas song. Listen and you'll see why.

6. GUMS - It's Christmas, I'm Sorry

Does the snow that falls on Leith

Also fall on Pollockshields?

There's a question for our Scottish friends to ponder on over Christmas...

5. Louis Armstrong - 'Zat You, Santa Claus?

Another of Sam's favourites. (And mine.)

4. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Christmas wishes to all the kitties in the world - Colin brings you love, and lots of tuna juice.

3. The Futureheads - Christmas Was Better In The 80s

Well, obviously.

 Great song. Least festive video ever recorded.

2. Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler - (Don't Call Me) Mrs. Christmas

From one of the best Christmas albums of the 21st Century. Every track's a classic. 

1. The Black Arts - Christmas Number One

What do you get when you combine Black Box Recorder with Art Brut? A perfect recreation of the golden age of Christmas pop songs. A 70s glam stomper... with a sly postmodern cynicism.

We threw in some sleigh bells and some other festive stuff

A video with artificial snow, like the devil's own dandruff

 

HERE'S THE COMPLETE TOP TEN AS A FULL YOUTUBE PLAYLIST.

Happy Christmas, everyone. Let's make the most of it. Remember what Bruce keeps telling me, to get me through the year...

Someday we'll look back on this

And it will all seem funny...

My Top Ten Tribute To Molly Part 1: Cat Songs

We lost an important member of our family yesterday. Molly the cat... silky ears, twitching whiskers, inquisitive meow (not to mention a full-on demanding MOWRRRR at meal times).

I loved how you thought you were a human, not a silly cat. How you'd talk back. How you'd show workmen round the house and offer your opinion. How you'd never quite settle down, and if you did, that's when the claws would come out, milking us for warmth. How sometimes you'd sit with your tongue peeping out. How loud you could purr.

There are so many Molly stories I could tell. You were such an incredible character. The time you reached out through a barely open bedroom window and pulled in a bird. (That jingling collar we had to buy you must have sounded like the Jaws theme to the local avian gangs.) The way you just had to find a carpeted area to puke furballs onto: a nice, easy to clean kitchen floor was never good enough. The way you made me feel welcome in Louise's house the first time I visited. You were one of the friendliest cats I ever met. It was amusing watching neighbours and schoolkids stop outside the house to give you a stroke on their way home.

Many more stories, but I'm filling up at the typewriter so... another time, Mols.

I'll especially miss going out last thing at night to find you (usually scavenging round the back door of the nearby hotel, where you'd managed to sweet-talk the kitchen staff into feeding you scraps), then carrying you home on my shoulder, purring, claws catching in my jumper.


10.  Sonic Youth - Purr

I love you baby yeah, you're superfine
A-claw me down, too
A purring, whirring, fuzzy like today
Switching sunlight
I chase you kitten, catch you every time
Funny how it flies

9. Marc & The Mambas - Boss Cat

Molly was certainly the boss round here...

Mee-ow, oh wow!
Mee-ow, oh wow!
Mee-ow, oh wow!
Mee-ow, oh wow!

8. Paul Heaton - Life Of A Cat

Oh, for the life of a cat!

7. Squeeze - Cool For Cats

Not really about cats at all, but Molly was definitely too cool for school.

6. Ray Charles & Hank Williams Jr. - Two Old Cats Like Us

We've been down a whole lot of alleys
Shook a whole lot of cans
There ain't too much about prowlin' or howlin'
That we don't understand

Had a few doors slammed on our tails
We've been kicked and cussed
But everything's cool for two old cats like us

5. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Excuse the early Christmas song, but this one always makes me think of Molly. This song's for life, not just for Christmas.

4. Billy Joel - Cat

Very early, very jazzy Billy. But so many of the lyrics are spot on...

She walks with a grace of a lion
Her eyes are the color of a shade gleam
She takes her pleasure in the nighttime
Absolutely unconcerned about anything

She’s a cat and she's as free as the wind
You never know what kind of trouble she’s in
She’s a cat
Rest assured that she doesn’t need you

3. Elvis Costello - Pads, Paws & Claws

Maybe Elvis's song isn't about an actual cat, but Molly was certainly a feline tormenter and she definitely did the pads, paws and claws routine.

2. Prefab Sprout - Farmyard Cat

But you can be the feline elite and still go scrounging scraps down a dead end street, Paddy.

I'll be back to talk in more detail about this song some other time.

1. The Cure - Love Cats

So wonderfully
Wonderfully
Wonderfully
Wonderfully
Pretty...

My Top Ten Molly Songs will follow very soon, obviously...

My Top Ten Christmas Animal Songs

Christmas isn't just for human people. It's for our furry and feathered friends too. As this youtube video proves.

Here's Ten of my favourite animalistic Christmas offerings...



10. Bjork - The Christmas Cat

The lyrics are in Icelandic, so I have to believe what I read on the internet that this is a song about a legendary moggy that eats badly dressed children over the festive period. Which sounds like an excellent idea to me.

9. Michael Jackson - Rockin' Robin

I'm not linking to the original, I'd much rather you went and listened to this... Rockin' Robin meets Teen Spirit. Class.

8. Presidents of the United States of America - Christmas Piglet

Pretty much gets in on the title alone. Which is a good job, 'cos the song ain't brilliant.

7. Badly Drawn Boy - Donna & Blitzen

Damon Gough's tribute to the world's second and third most famous reindeer.

6. Emmy the Great & Tim Wheeler - Jesus The Reindeer

Meanwhile, Emmy & Tim find a few new reindeer to join Santa's herd...

Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet...

Aries, Chancer, Joey, Chandler... Sancho Panzer, Sarah Palin...

Jesus!

5. Alien Sex Fiend - Stuff The Turkey

This record begins with a spoof Bernard Matthews "Bootiful". And if that's not enough...

Let's make this Christmas
One to remember
Let's stay drunk
From January till December.

Let's face it... there's only one better record about turkey... but it's the kind you have on Boxing Day...

4. John Lennon - Cold Turkey

Not listened to this in years. Forgotten how good it was.

3. Eels - Christmas Is Going To The Dogs

We'd rather have chew toys than yule logs

2. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Can't find this anywhere online to play you, but believe me - if you're a cat lover, it's unbeatable.

Merry Christmas to all the kitties in this town!

I wish you love and lots of tuna juice...

1. The Crystals - Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Inevitable as leftover turkey.



Remember - these songs are for life, not just Christmas. Which one are you taking home from the pound?