My Top Ten Burger Songs

Feeling peckish?

10. Jimmy Buffett -  Cheeseburger in Paradise

Let's start with Jimmy: an acquired taste, I have to concede. But then, so are most burgers. Extra cheese on this one, I think.

9. Todd Rundgren - Boogies (Hamburger Hell)

If you've not yet worked it out: Todd Rundgren was proper mental. I suppose that's why he ended up producing Bat Out Of Hell. His solo stuff, though: it rocks, but it's mad. 

8. Kool & The Gang - Raw Hamburger

VERY early Kool & The Gang - from 1969. Great brass section and shooting-the-breeze vocals.

7. Ramones - Oh, Oh, I Love Her So

Joey Ramone picks up girls at Burger King.

Of course.

6. Pop Will Eat Itself - Def Con One

I was going to save this for my Top Ten Fast Food Songs... but I'll just use it again then. It might well be Number One in that countdown.

I always wondered if PWEI were sent a lifetime supply of Big Macs after recording this.

5. Placebo - Burger Queen

Iffypedia says this track was written about a homosexual, drug-addicted goth in Luxembourg... so it's really 'Bourger Queen, if you want to be pedantic about it. Great song from the second Placebo album, Without You I'm Nothing.

Slightly bemused by his lack of direction
Hey You, Hey You 

Came to this world by cesarean section 
Hey You, Hey You
Chooses his clothes to match his pallid complexion
Hey You, Hey You
Now it takes him all day just to get an erection 

4. The Little Hands of Asphalt - Eating Fish In Hamburger Heaven

Brilliant lyrics and a top tune from Oslo's Sjur Lyseid, tipping his hat to Springsteen and telling a story (I think) about a one night stand that's doomed never to go any further...

My shirt says "Replacements" 
Yours, it has a statement 
That's where we start falling apart

3. John Cougar Mellencamp - Hotdogs & Hamburgers

A song about the shitty treatment of Native Americans by The White Man, filtered through the metaphor of a horny teenage boy trying it on with "a pretty Little Indian Girl". Mellencamp at his best.

Now everybody has got the choice
Between hotdogs and hamburgers
Every one of us has got to choose
Between right and wrong
And givin' up or holdin' on

2. Morrissey - America Is Not The World

Normally we might take this as just Moz's spangly Hollywood big-screen remake of Meat Is Murder... 

In America, it brought you the hamburger. 
Well America you know where 
You can shove your hamburger. 
And don't you wonder, why in Estonia they say? 
Hey you, you big fat pig, 
You fat pig, you fat pig!

Steely blue eyes with no love in them, scan the world,
And a humourless smile, with no warmth within, greets the world.
And I, I have got nothing to offer you
No-no-no-no-no, just this heart deep and true, 
Which you say you don't need...

In light of recent events though... it seems due a re-issue. 

1. Little Feat - Hamburger Midnight

The debut single from Little Feat's self-titled 1971 debut album finds Lowell George broke, sleeping in his car and suffering from the ha-ha-hamburger midnight blues...



Would you like fries with that?

My Top Ten Chocolate Bar Songs

Ten songs about chocolate bars... well, they could be. I saved this one till Lent was over because I knew some of you were being good. 


Special mention to The Drifters, Aerosmith, The Mars Volta and, ahem,  Thom Yorkie. 


10. The Crookes - Two Drifters

Greedy buggers - one's not enough for you?

9. Thea Gilmore - Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

Thea may be down on her luck but she still hankers after a crunchy butter-almond chocolate treat from Sweden.

8. The Ataris - I.O.U. One Galaxy

So that's about, what, 75p? I'll let you off, lads.

7. Baxter Drury - Picnic On The Edge

Ian's son prefers to eat his in dangerous situations. Suede aren't much better - they eat theirs By The Motorway.

6. Orchestral Manouvres In The Dark - Walking On The Milky Way

Seems a waste of a perfectly good sweet you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite

5. Animals That Swim - Kit Kats and Vinegar

Not the most appetizing of combinations, but apparently it helps their mate get off his head (on the cheap).

4. John Grant - Caramel

Or you may prefer the equally delicious Suzanne Vega song of the same title. Or Take It Easy by The Eagles, which must have been about the same thing. 

3. Half Man Half Biscuit - Dickie Davies Eyes

God, I could murder a Cadbury's Flake,
Then I guess you wouldn't let me into heaven.
Or maybe you would 'cause their adverts promote oral sex!

See also Flakes by The Mystery Jets (which made its way into my Top Ten Breakfast Menu Songs).

2. Heartless Bastards - Marathon

I know, they're not called Marathons anymore, they've not been called Marathons for years. But until someone writes a song as good as this one and calls it 'Snickers', they'll always be Marathons to me.

Not that I ever liked Marathons. I hate peanuts.

1. The Undertones - Mars Bar

Time to raid the Spar, Feargal Sharkey needs to work, rest and play. (Although he has had ten so far.)

To anybody out there who still eats Twix
Anybody on packets of Buttons
I gave them up when I was six
I hope your teeth are rotten

Genius. See also, Marz by John Grant, which might not specifically be about the chocolate bar... but does mention lots of other sweet treats.





Which one is your guilty pleasure?

My Top Ten Breakfast Menu Songs

Ten songs you might find on your breakfast menu. Don't worry, Supertramp fans, I'll get on to songs with "breakfast" in the title... some other day.

Special mention, of course, goes to Orange Juice, Marmalade and Martha & The Muffins.

I'll dedicate this one to Kelloggsville!


10. G. Love & Special Sauce - Milk & Cereal

Ah, the 90s. So much to answer for.

Unlike most of the songs in this Top Ten, this is exactly about what it says it is.

9. Adam & The Ants - Omelette From Outer Space

Quite.

New Adam Ant album out this week... and from my first listen, I think it sounds pretty spiffy.

8. Electric Six - French Bacon

And now she's living in a shack on the firing line,
With a fridge filled with French bacon,
Mouthing all the words of a famous mime,
For whom she's commonly mistaken.
I love her, I knew her,
I knew she couldn't hang,
And now she's dying in a ditch on the county line,
From a device of her own making.

7. The Band - Orange Juice Blues

Woke up this morning and all I had was Sunny Delight...

(Not really. I hate Sunny Delight.)

6. James - Coffee & Toast

One of my favourite James songs, frustratingly unreleased except as a bonus download from one of their later albums. They should have made it a single.

Also featured on my Top Ten Coffee Songs, some years ago. Along with Squeeze's Black Coffee In Bed, if you were wondering.  



5. Mystery Jets - Flakes

OK, so it's probably got very little to do with Mr. Kelloggs' greatest invention. But it's a mighty, mighty tune nevertheless. Video's a bit weird though.

4. Tom Waits - Eggs and Sausage (In a Cadillac With Susan Michaelson)

Tom Waits has eaten breakfast at every joint in town. This is his recommendation.

Extra points for rhyming "tipsy hacks" with "insomniacs".

3. Placebo - Special K

Brian Molko's breakfast of choice. He likes to keep his sylphlike figure.

(What do you mean he's not singing about cereal?)

2. Labelle - Lady Marmalade

Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

(But not if you prefer the All Saints version.)

1. Streetband - Toast

When he grew up, he wanted to be Paul Young. Result! (Except it's arguable whether he ever made a better record.)




Which one will you be ordering this morning?

My Top Ten Berry Songs

Fruity berries... because it's harvest time. The internet informs me that strawberries aren't actually berries... but bananas are. I don't believe everything I read on the internet, but for the sake of argument - to make this list, all songs must have the word "berry" in the TITLE. That's the rules for today.

Special mentions go to Strawberry Switchblade, Strawberry Alarm Clock, Strawberry Whiplash, Strawberry Story, The Cranberries, and, of course, Chuck. But not Nick. Never Nick. (That said, isn't it about time some tosspot from the X-Factor did a really bad cover of Every Loser Wins, just to get us all nostalgic for the original?)

10. The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever

I think I'm almost through my Hating The Beatles phase. I'm starting to appreciate them again.

That said, depending on your age and whether or not you're still sorted for Es and Wizz, you may prefer the Candy Flip version.

Me, I'd rather have the Hayseed Dixie version. That's some damned fast finger-pickin'!

9. Everclear - Strawberry

The one you've probably never heard of, and reckon shouldn't even be here. Luckily, it's my blog - and I like Everclear!

8. Ron Sexsmith - Strawberry Blonde

Had a hard day at work? Turn the lights down, put this on and...chill.

7. Super Furry Animals - Cloudberries

A song about hummingbirds. I think.

6. The Dentists - Strawberries Are Growing In My Garden (And It's Wintertime)

Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1985.

5. Ocean Colour Scene - Huckleberry Grove

One of their best songs, and it was only ever a b-side. 

4. The Move - Blackberry Way

The dark night of the summer of love.

3.  Prefab Sprout - Blueberry Pies

We're getting a lot of Prefab Sprout on this blog. There's a very good reason for that: Paddy McAloon is FANTASTIC.

Plus, blueberries are my favourite fruit.Which brings us to...

2. Fats Domino - Blueberry Hill

Where else can you find your thrill?

1. Prince - Raspberry Beret

Untouchable... but don't blame me if the video below doesn't work by the time you hit play. His highness does hate youtube. UPDATE... oops, spoke too soon - he's removed it. Good old Prince. Here's the Hindu Love Gods version instead...


 



Gilbert O'Sullivan's greatest hits album is called 'The Berry Vest of Gilbert O'Sullivan'. (I really need to find a way to shoehorn some Gilbert O'Sullivan into one of these Top Tens.) So, with that in mind, which is your Berry Vest Serry Bong?