Snapshots #387: Fifteen + - x ÷ Sum Songs

Put your clothes on, Carol - we need your help with the complex musical equations below... specially compiled for any Maths teachers in the audience.

15. See #3 for a red hot clue.

#3 is Jason, and also includes the word "scorcher". Could I be more helpful?

Jason & The Scorchers - 2+1 = Nothing

14. Watson, Carter or Dolittle?

Dr. John Watson, Dr, John Carter (E.R.) or Dr. John Dolittle?

Dr. John - Me - You = Loneliness 

13. Before he took to hunting werewolves, he was part of a different network.

Before Bob got his Silver Bullet, he had a System.

The Bob Seger System - 2+2=?

12. Very super: electric alternative, actually. Please!

Every word is the title of a different album by the...

Pet Shop Boys - Two Divided By Zero

11. Number 3 was one... and even LA gets confusing sometimes.

#3 played Scott in Neighbours. "Even LA" was an anagram.

Scott Lavene - U + Me = Everything

10. Useful in a list, when going in and out.

The comma... doors.

Commodores - Three Times A Lady

9. A Rock, in the reading room.

Mr. Rock Hudson, in his library.

Mr Hudson & The Library - 2x2

8. Just a campanologist.

Just William, the bell ringer.

William Bell - One Plus One

7. Found in the zoo tiger enclosure... Springfield's early days.

Rick Springfield's early band, found in the ZOO Tiger enclosure.

Zoot - 1 x 2 x 3 x 4

6. Look out, guys! Adele's running after you!

Adele, of course, is famous for Chasing Pavements...

Pavement 5-4 = Unity

5. Are you going to Fleetwood, Skeeter?

Fleetwood Mac + Skeeter Davis...

Mac Davis - Two Plus Two

4. Don't make her... You wouldn't like her when she's... 

Fans of the old Incredible Hulk TV show will recall that Bill Bixby frequently told investigative reporter Jack McGee: "Mr. McGee, don't make me Ann Lee... you wouldn't like me when I'm Ann Lee."

Ann Lee - Two Times

I will confess that I had never heard of Ann Lee before compiling this list. However, I was short on ladies this week and Ann did get to #2 in the charts in 1999 with the two times tune above.

3. That sunshine's a scorcher, Superman.

Donovan sang about a Sunshine Superman. Jason, as seen above (at #15, if not in the photo) was a Scorcher.

Jason Donovan - Nothing Can Divide Us

Another one of those Jason Donovan songs that me and my mate Richard used to sing along to on the school bus when we were 16. Richard was a big fan of the Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths. I liked Springsteen and Huey Lewis. We would have told you we were just being ironic. But were we really?

2. Living in Portugal, DuBois.

Our resident Maths teacher lives in Portugal. Benson Dubois.

George Benson - Love X Love

1. Bad crash: Cher and Odie unhurt!

"Cher and Odie unhurt" was a car crash of an anagram...

Haircut 100 - Love Plus One

Where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake, I fear?

Well, wherever you go, make sure you're back in time for more Snapshots next Saturday.

Idiomusic #1: Nowhere Fast

The interweb tells me than an idiom is "a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words". I'm not sure I agree with that - you often can figure out the meaning of an idiom if you sit and think about it. 

"Raining cats and dogs"? 

It's belting down; the rain is so heavy it's like small domesticated animals falling out of the sky.

"Sit on the fence"?  

There's one field of opinion to the left, one field of opinion to the right - you can't decide which you agree with (or don't want to upset either field owner) so you sit on the fence in-between.

Regardless, having taught English to students of other languages, I will say that the preponderance of idioms in our language is one of many things that makes it so bloody difficult to learn (or to teach, at least).

All this is an introduction to a lazy new feature where I pick a random idiom and see how many songwriters have decided to steal it to make a tune from.

We begin... by going Nowhere Fast. And I guess we have to start with this one, a fine example of why (latter day crimes not withstanding) Morrissey should still be considered the greatest lyricist of his generation.

And when I'm lying in my bed
I think about life
And I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me

Girls At Our Best! (exclamation mark theirs) came from Leeds in 1979. They self-financed their debut single on their own Record Records label and it reached #9 in the UK Indie chart. It was later covered by The Wedding Present.

Girls At Our Best! - Going Nowhere Fast

A little bit of cowpunk next from Jason Ringenberg and his hot backing band...

Jason & The Scorchers - Gettin' Nowhere Fast

Still on the country side of town, here's a Fabulously Superlative singer...

Marty Stuart - Goin' Nowhere Fast

Some shiny new country next. A bit too polished for some of you hard-bitten cowpokes, but I like this kind of stuff in small doses...

Old Dominion - Nowhere Fast

And here's a gentleman who sounds like he should be in a country band - or the Waltons. It's Jim Bob...

Carter USM - Nowhere Fast

Meanwhile, in New York City...

Joey Ramone - Going Nowhere Fast

Shoes were an American power pop band from Zion, Illinois. They were one of the first bands to be played on MTV... presumably before anyone started watching it. 

Shoes - Nowhere So Fast

Capital Cities come from LA. Hmpf. They should come from Washington DC.

Capital Cities -  Patience Gets Us Nowhere Fast

And now, a little German beat music from the 90s...

Johnny No And The No-Men - Going Nowhere Fast

I did find a band called Nowhere Fast as well. They released a solitary album in 1982. That's the record cover at the top of this page. You can listen to all of it on the tube of you. I'm guessing they went... 

You can finish that sentence yourself, I'm sure.

The phrase Nowhere Fast is an oxymoron, so it was bound to appeal to Jim Steinman who loves contradiction as much as he does hyperbole. This was one of only two Steinman compositions on the fourth Meat Loaf album, Bad Attitude, and naturally it's one of the best two songs on that record.  It was originally recorded by Fire Inc. for the soundtrack of the rock n roll movie Streets Of Fire starring Michael Paré, Diane Lane, Rick Moranis and Willem Dafoe. The movie was an expensive flop, but it's got a pretty decent soundtrack.

Self-Help For Cynics #14: The Age Of Uncertainty

Future is uncertain
The past is fading away
Future is uncertain
The past is fading away
I remember laughin', I can't remember what I was laughin' about
And I remember cryin', I can't forget what I was cryin' about
That won't fade away

Tim Heidecker - Future Is Uncertain

Are you one of those people who checks their route on Google Earth whenever you have to go somewhere new, following the little Google car down every street, looking for car parks and petrol stations and supermarkets where you might be able to stop for a wee?

Diana Ross - Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To?)

If you have to buy something new for your home, do you research it for hours, reading Which? Best Buy reviews and google feedback? Are you obsessed with making certain you’ve found the best possible price out of all the retailers that stock it… and is it definitely in stock? What if you have to return it? Does that retailer have a good track record for customer service?

Bruce Springsteen - The Price You Pay

If you’re going on holiday, do you try to plan a timetable for the whole week? Where you’ll go each day, where you’ll eat, the routes you might take between destinations… and all the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph?

The Screaming Blue Messiahs - Holiday Head

If any of these sound even remotely familiar, then you have Intolerance of Uncertainty.

Blondie - Will Anything Happen?

In her book Don't Feed the Monkey Mind, Jennifer Shannon identifies three basic assumptions shared by all anxious people: Intolerance of Uncertainy, Perfectionism and Over-Responsibility. They relate to specific personality types – some people will have far more of one than the others, but all anxiety sufferers will sample the delights of each assumptive buffet at one time or another.

The Raveonettes - Uncertain Times

Anxiety Canada says…

When people who are intolerant of uncertainty are exposed to a little bit of uncertainty, they also have a strong reaction: they worry, and do everything they can think of to get away from, avoid or eliminate the uncertainty.

If you’re invited to a party, does the very idea fill you with dread? Who will be there? What should you take? (What will other people be taking?) What time should you arrive? Is it better to be fashionably late… or might that be considered rude? Is it better off just to make your excuses and not go in the first place?

I'll have a shower
Within the hour
I'll smash another cup
Please don't start saying that
Or I'll start believing you
If I start believing you
I'll know that this Party Fears Two
And then phone my brother up

Life is uncertainty. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next week or even in the next five minutes. But our monkey brain (remember the amygdala?) hates uncertainty. How can it keep us safe if it doesn’t know what the threats are or where they might be coming from? And it’s not just threats to our life and wellbeing it’s trying to protect us from, but the threat of exclusion from the tribe… hence the party fears mentioned above.

The Everly Brothers - That Uncertain Feeling

Jennifer Shannon says…

Difficulty tolerating doubt can lead to compulsive checking behaviours like making sure doors are locked and appliances are turned off. You’ll tend to overplan things; even weekends and vacations have a to-do list. And when the list doesn’t get finished or things don’t go as you planned them, you become upset and have difficulty enjoying the moment.

Jason & The Scorchers - Uncertain Girl

We’ve got a freezer in our garage. A few years back it was accidentally switched off and we had to throw all the food away. Now, whenever I’m closing the garage door, I complete a ritual in my head where I say, “lid down, green light on” to make sure the freezer is OK. Often, even though I’ve done this, I still have to lift the garage door back up and double check. I have to be certain. “Lid down, green light on” has now become a mantra and I've found myself saying it at other times two. This morning it was when I arrived at work and was checking I had everything I needed before I left the car park.

Anxiety Canada again…

If you can’t stand uncertainty and do everything you can to get rid of it, you might have noticed a problem: it is IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of all uncertainty in your life.  

What this means for you is that all the work that you are doing to get rid of uncertainty is useless, it just doesn’t work. If it did, you would probably not be struggling with anxiety and worry.  

So what is the solution?   

If you can’t get rid of uncertainty in your life, the only way to manage your intolerance of uncertainty is by learning to be more TOLERANT of uncertainty.

The The - Uncertain Smile

One thing I’m learning about dealing with mental health issues – particularly those relating to the pesky monkey in our amygdala – is that often the best way to fight them is to act as though you don’t have them. Intolerant of uncertainty? Act as though you’re not. Go to the party and deal with whatever might happen, including any smashed cups. Who cares if you got the cheapest price on that essential purchase? You just got an evening back that you would otherwise have wasted on price comparison sites. Remember life before Google Earth? When we found our own way to places, with the occasional help of a map?

The Blue Aeroplanes - Nothing Will Ever Happen in the Future

Easier said than done in a lot of cases, and there are times (like my garage freezer) when it pays to check. But the more you force yourself to deal with uncertain situations, the more your storytelling brain will write stronger neural pathways that allow you to cope with the unexpected. 

That’s the theory, anyway… 

And it's the damage that we do and never know

It's the words that we don't say that scare me so

There's so many people to see

So many people you can check up on and add to your collection

But they keep you hanging on, until you're well hung

Your mouth is made up, but your mind is undone

Exam Day

Apologies for those of you expecting the latest instalment in the Hot 100, but today is the first of this year's GCSE English Language exams, the exams I've been teaching my students towards all year, so I'm afraid I've had no time to compile this week's post. If I get chance to do so before the end of the week, I'll post it later... if not, we'll be back Number 37 next week.


Here's a cool tune I heard on the radio recently from the latest Jason Ringenberg album. Definitely bears further investigation...

Saturday Snapshots #77 - The Answers

Every Sunday morning, we discover the Heaven Is A Place On Earth, when the answers to Saturday Snapshots are finally revealed. And I Get Weak when I think about how much hard work you guys put into solving these clues. Sometimes I have an idea which are the hardest ones to guess, but if you'd asked me yesterday I'd have told you that was probably #7 this week... and yet Walter was first in with that yesterday. So what do I know?

I find it increasingly hard to add up the points for this every week, but I'm pretty sure yesterday was a 3-points-each draw between Lynchie & C. I'm sure Lynchie will tell me if I'm wrong. Thank you all for playing, as always.

Here are this week's answers...


10. Policewoman sees scarlet, burgundy and raspberry.

Scarlet, burgundy and raspberry are three colours red.

A policewoman would be a copper girl.

Three Colours Red - Copper Girl

9. Genesis, Chapter 3: where the muffins are docked.

Chapter 3 of Genesis was all about Eve.

Martha & the Muffins dock in a harbour.

All About Eve - Martha's Harbour

8. Eat this while saying sorry to Aretha on her birthday.

When you're sorry, you eat Humble Pie.

Aretha was a Natural Woman. She was born on her birthday.

Humble Pie - Natural Born Boogie

7. Bourne gets burnt by harmless fibs.

I had a student called Jason Bourne. He disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Gone dark, obviously.

Jason & The Scorchers - White Lies

6. The second third Bond enjoys a peach. I-T.

Thank you Alyson for correcting my Bond-counting and reminding me about poor old George Lazenby who appears in my favourite Bond film... yet is probably my least favourite Bond actor. (Although the way Daniel Craig is going, it's like he's trying his best to win that crown.)

Anyway, Roger Moore + Peach Melba =

Melba Moore - This Is It

5. Ludo, Snakes & Ladders, Grand Theft Auto... G.I. Antarctica.

G.I. Joe. Antarctica is in the south.

Joe South - Games People Play

4. Pharmaceutical siblings dancing with dustbin lids.

Johnson & Johnson?

Stomp! is those dustbin lid dancers.

The Brothers Johnson - Stomp!

3. A hind trim for conditional joiners.

A hind trim is an anagram.

Tim Hardin - If I Were A Carpenter

2. William of Cumbria wastes electricity.

Bill in da Carlisle. See?

Belinda Carlisle - Leave A Light On

1. Sour-faced and cut adrift.

A lesser-known Lemonheads tune from their breakthrough album, It's A Shame About Ray, but it was one of my favourites back in the day...



Live Your Life Be Free until next Saturday morning when Saturday Snapshots returns.