Snapshots #399: Drunk Songs (Volume 2)

Way back in December 2021, Snapshots #218 featured ten Drunk Songs. Today, I invite you to sample a few more beverages. I can't join you: I haven't had a drink since the 20th Century.

Please drink responsibly.

15. Pablo Escobar's last stand.

The War On Drugs - Wasted

14. Wild Cherry? Aha! 

Anagram!

Richard Hawley - Caned

13. Pricey set meets Suzanne in a diner. 

Alan Price Set meets Suzanne Vega in Tom's Diner.

Alan Vega - Hammered

12. Whatchu talkin' bout, Phil & Don / Luke & Matt?

Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis? And some brothers...

The Willis Brothers - Three Sheets In The Wind

11. 90s dance party at small suffixes.

A rave on ettes (ette being a suffix which means small).

The Raveonettes - Blitzed

10. White smoke, and it really changes a woman. 

"Changes a woman" was an anagram. White smoke announces a new Pope.

Shane MacGowan & The Popes - That Woman's Got Me Drinking

Look at the state he's in!

9. Rubber lips and the invisible rabbit.

Rubber lips is Mick Jagger. Harvey was the invisible rabbit.

Mick Harvey - Intoxicated Man

8. Flick a frightening switch in the Milky Way.

Galaxy featuring Phil Fearon - Dancing Tight

7. Like Mel's mate, but with a deeper voice.

Mel (Smith)'s mate was Griff Rhys (Jones). This guy is a bit more Gruff.

Gruff Rhys - People Are Pissed 

6. Randy & the Rainbows get stuck in a French room.

Randy & the Rainbows sang about Denise. A French room is la salle. 

Denise LaSalle - Under The Influence

5. On target.

The Arrows - A Touch Too Much

4. Hazy oboes: out of order.

"Hazy oboes" was an anagram. You might not know this guy, but this is one of Sam's favourite tunes at the moment. He's very popular with the young people. And actually quite listenable, unlike a lot of the stuff they dig.

Shaboozey - A Bar Song (Tipsy)

3. A mild day comes between Williams and Nick. 

Between Andy Williams and Nick Lowe, there is fair weather.

Andy Fairweather Low - Wide-Eyed & Legless

2. A Cooke, a Clark, a Fox, a Berry. 

Two Sams, two Daves.

Sam & Dave - I Can't Stand Up

1. They've got a Pedigree, like George and Andrew surrounded by sheep. 

Pedigree Chum meets baa Wham baa. Easy when you know how.

Chumbawamba - Tubthumpin'

He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a Vodka drink. He drinks a Lager drink. He drinks a cider drink. And he ends up pissin' the night away. Or 'issing the night away, if he's on Top of the Pops.

I'm giving you a week to sober up before the 400th edition of Snapshots.

Self-Help For Cynics #14: The Age Of Uncertainty

Future is uncertain
The past is fading away
Future is uncertain
The past is fading away
I remember laughin', I can't remember what I was laughin' about
And I remember cryin', I can't forget what I was cryin' about
That won't fade away

Tim Heidecker - Future Is Uncertain

Are you one of those people who checks their route on Google Earth whenever you have to go somewhere new, following the little Google car down every street, looking for car parks and petrol stations and supermarkets where you might be able to stop for a wee?

Diana Ross - Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To?)

If you have to buy something new for your home, do you research it for hours, reading Which? Best Buy reviews and google feedback? Are you obsessed with making certain you’ve found the best possible price out of all the retailers that stock it… and is it definitely in stock? What if you have to return it? Does that retailer have a good track record for customer service?

Bruce Springsteen - The Price You Pay

If you’re going on holiday, do you try to plan a timetable for the whole week? Where you’ll go each day, where you’ll eat, the routes you might take between destinations… and all the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph?

The Screaming Blue Messiahs - Holiday Head

If any of these sound even remotely familiar, then you have Intolerance of Uncertainty.

Blondie - Will Anything Happen?

In her book Don't Feed the Monkey Mind, Jennifer Shannon identifies three basic assumptions shared by all anxious people: Intolerance of Uncertainy, Perfectionism and Over-Responsibility. They relate to specific personality types – some people will have far more of one than the others, but all anxiety sufferers will sample the delights of each assumptive buffet at one time or another.

The Raveonettes - Uncertain Times

Anxiety Canada says…

When people who are intolerant of uncertainty are exposed to a little bit of uncertainty, they also have a strong reaction: they worry, and do everything they can think of to get away from, avoid or eliminate the uncertainty.

If you’re invited to a party, does the very idea fill you with dread? Who will be there? What should you take? (What will other people be taking?) What time should you arrive? Is it better to be fashionably late… or might that be considered rude? Is it better off just to make your excuses and not go in the first place?

I'll have a shower
Within the hour
I'll smash another cup
Please don't start saying that
Or I'll start believing you
If I start believing you
I'll know that this Party Fears Two
And then phone my brother up

Life is uncertainty. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next week or even in the next five minutes. But our monkey brain (remember the amygdala?) hates uncertainty. How can it keep us safe if it doesn’t know what the threats are or where they might be coming from? And it’s not just threats to our life and wellbeing it’s trying to protect us from, but the threat of exclusion from the tribe… hence the party fears mentioned above.

The Everly Brothers - That Uncertain Feeling

Jennifer Shannon says…

Difficulty tolerating doubt can lead to compulsive checking behaviours like making sure doors are locked and appliances are turned off. You’ll tend to overplan things; even weekends and vacations have a to-do list. And when the list doesn’t get finished or things don’t go as you planned them, you become upset and have difficulty enjoying the moment.

Jason & The Scorchers - Uncertain Girl

We’ve got a freezer in our garage. A few years back it was accidentally switched off and we had to throw all the food away. Now, whenever I’m closing the garage door, I complete a ritual in my head where I say, “lid down, green light on” to make sure the freezer is OK. Often, even though I’ve done this, I still have to lift the garage door back up and double check. I have to be certain. “Lid down, green light on” has now become a mantra and I've found myself saying it at other times two. This morning it was when I arrived at work and was checking I had everything I needed before I left the car park.

Anxiety Canada again…

If you can’t stand uncertainty and do everything you can to get rid of it, you might have noticed a problem: it is IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of all uncertainty in your life.  

What this means for you is that all the work that you are doing to get rid of uncertainty is useless, it just doesn’t work. If it did, you would probably not be struggling with anxiety and worry.  

So what is the solution?   

If you can’t get rid of uncertainty in your life, the only way to manage your intolerance of uncertainty is by learning to be more TOLERANT of uncertainty.

The The - Uncertain Smile

One thing I’m learning about dealing with mental health issues – particularly those relating to the pesky monkey in our amygdala – is that often the best way to fight them is to act as though you don’t have them. Intolerant of uncertainty? Act as though you’re not. Go to the party and deal with whatever might happen, including any smashed cups. Who cares if you got the cheapest price on that essential purchase? You just got an evening back that you would otherwise have wasted on price comparison sites. Remember life before Google Earth? When we found our own way to places, with the occasional help of a map?

The Blue Aeroplanes - Nothing Will Ever Happen in the Future

Easier said than done in a lot of cases, and there are times (like my garage freezer) when it pays to check. But the more you force yourself to deal with uncertain situations, the more your storytelling brain will write stronger neural pathways that allow you to cope with the unexpected. 

That’s the theory, anyway… 

And it's the damage that we do and never know

It's the words that we don't say that scare me so

There's so many people to see

So many people you can check up on and add to your collection

But they keep you hanging on, until you're well hung

Your mouth is made up, but your mind is undone

Snapshots #268: A Top Ten Weird Places To Make Love Songs

Well, let's face it, if you're going to make love on a mountain top... who better than Sir Edmund Hillary to show you the way?

10. Major component on a SCUD missile.

Cud – Love In A Hollow Tree

Bit cramped. Watch out for splinters.

9. Here come the Dornoch lads with their arrows.

Dornoch is in Sutherland. Arrows come in a quiver.

Sutherland Brothers & Quiver – Love On The Moon

Not much atmosphere.

8. Changing colour makes me feel as though I’ve been born again (born again).

Alessi sang Oh, Lori, You make me feel as though I've been born again.

Chameleons change colour.

Lori & The Chameleons – Love On The Ganges

Early Bill Drummond band.

Insert "don't hurt your Ganges" joke here.

7. Catching fish in these – it’s a crazy feeling!

You catch fish in nets. Rave on, it's a crazy feeling.

The Raveonettes - Love In A Trashcan

Or you could have had...

The Raveonettes - Love On Barbed Wire

Neither are particular advisable, if you ask me.

6. Rubber from below the river…

When I was at school, a rubber johnny was the funniest thing in the world.

Southside Johnny & The Asbury Dukes – Love On The Wrong Side Of Town

But what's the right side?

5. Fleeting. 

The Moments - Love On A Two Way Street

Insert "oh, you take it both ways" joke here. I missed me calling.

4. Mi dandelion is all mucked up.

Mi dandelion is an anagram.

Neil Diamond - Love On The Rocks

I'm a huge fan of that song, but I have to admit that whenever I hear it, I imagine Neil getting jiggy on a rocky coastline, with the waves pounding over him. It looks bloody freezing.

3. Wait here three days.

'Til Tuesday - Love In A Vacuum

Aimee Mann before she was Aimee Mann.

See #9.

2. J.K. swaps gender to become a Sir.

JK Rowling changed her name, and her gender (sort of), to Robert Galbraith. A Sir is a Knight.

Robert Knight - Love On A Mountain Top

1. A moth, sire?

Anagram!

Aerosmith - Love In An Elevator

"Oh, good morning, Mr. Tyler. Going... down?"

You're probably all exhausted after that. Take a week off to recover and join me back here next Saturday for more Snapshots...

Seasonal Snapshots III - The Answers

IT'S ANSWERS!!!

Thanks for keeping this nonsense going all this year. It's been a useful distraction from the real world for me...


25. Used by Native American cultures in sacred ceremonies: Scottish trolley for people with weak leg joints.

Mc - cart - knee.

Not bloody Step Into Christmas, you will surely be glad to know.

Paul McCartney - Pipes Of Peace

24. Two articles on better breathing for fish. Not Buddy's ...the day.

The & a are two articles. I am reusing a few old clues this week, with no apologies.

Fish might breathe better if they had more gills.

Buddy Holly sand That'll Be The Day.

Thea Gilmore - That'll Be Christmas

23. T-mas left after dire traffic jam.

If Chris leaves Christmas, you're left with tmas.

Dire... erm... well, not Straits. (Yes, I know that's not how you spell "diarrhoea").

Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas

22. What Santa needs... a double homicide.

Double homicide: Slay & The Killers.

Santa needs a great big sleigh.

The Killers - A Great Big Sleigh

21. OHHHHHHH! Wrapping.

The Big O.

Roy Orbison - Pretty Paper

20. Predictions of misery from your flat screen TV & stereo.

LCD Sound System - Christmas Will Break Your Heart

19. Remain in that postcode for at least 24 more hours.

East 17 - Stay Another Day

This is a good song. But they look extremely silly, both in the picture above and in the video.

18. Move over... Jesus was one too.

Move over, darling.

Jesus was a carpenter.

The Carpenters - Merry Christmas, Darling

17. Common sense list for America or Jack?

Captain America... or Captain Jack? (Billy Joel, not Johnny Depp.)

That sounds sensible.

Captain Sensible - One Christmas Catalogue

16. Gargled harem hopes to last to the end of the month.

"Gargled harem" was an anagram.

Merle Haggard - If We Make It Through December

15. A short, painful New Year for Shaky... and what came before that wasn't the best either.

Suffering, shortened, becomes Suf. January, shortened, becomes Jan.

Shaking Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens - That Was The Worst Christmas Ever

14. Get... Clemons! No chimney, obviously.

Get Carter!

Clarence Clemons.

If there was no chimney, Santa would have to use the back door.

Clarence Carter - Back Door Santa

13. Da do ones kill Andy Bell.

Da do ron ron... slays Ride.

The Ronettes - Sleigh Ride

12. The story of snow in Chelmsford or Saffron Walden.

They're in Essex.

David Essex - A Winter's Tale

11. Kids hanging around a barber's shop on the zebra crossing.

Outside an American barber's shop, there used to be a candy cane pole.

Zebra crossings have white stripes. I've probably used that before. but it worked again here.

The White Stripes - Candy Cane Children

10. The opposite of a Silent Night... with added bloodshed.

The opposite of a Silent Night...? A loud one!

Loudon Wainwright III - I'll Be Killing You This Christmas

9. My average sucks... and I always get miserable around now.

"My average sucks" is an anagram.

Kacey Musgraves - Christmas Makes Me Cry

8. Dinosaur punch goes straight to your head.

A bop to the head?

T-Rexmas!

T-Rex - Christmas Bop

7. Small Buddy Hollies jingle.

Buddy sang Rave On...

The Raveonettes - Christmas Song

6. Don't forget snarly rhinos!

Longtime readers will remember that I've used the "snarly rhinos" anagram before.

Harry Nilsson - Remember (Christmas)

5. "Two weeks off work." That's amazing!

A wonder is amazing.

"Two weeks off work." That's what Christmas means to me!

Stevie Wonder - What Christmas Means To Me

4. American sums found in delivery ward.

American sums are Maths.

So... Math is (in the room) when a child is born.

Johnny Mathis - When A Child Is Born

3. I'm not even going to write a clue for this one. Everything you need is in the picture.

Eels - Christmas Is Going To The Dogs

2. Home of Kemp, King and Scorsese... on the road, darling.

Martin Kemp, Martin Luther King and Martin Scorcese would live in a house...martins.

Caravans are homes that go on the road, love.

The Housemartins - Caravan of Love

1.  My way to wish you all yuletide greetings.

At last, the end is near...



Have yourselves a merry little Christmas!