My Top Ten Hairstyle Songs

Thinking of trying a new hairstyle? Here's ten suggestions from the best barbers in pop...


Special mentions to The Voice of the Beehive, Braid, The Crewcuts, Popcorn & The Mohawks, Mohawk Lodge... and, at a push, (The) Pixies.


10. Tom Waits - Trouble's Braid

It's only 1 minute 17 seconds long, but sometimes that's all Tom needs.

Well, I pulled on trouble's braids
And I hid in the briars out by the quickmud
Stayin' away from the main roads
Passin' out wolf tickets, downwind from the bloodhounds

9. Luxembourg - Close Cropped

David Shah's original band, Luxembourg, should have been massive. So should his next band, The Melting Ice Caps. He's an undiscovered indie genius as far as I'm concerned - the bastard son of Jarvis Cocker and David Gedge. Or something like that.

I want your close-cropped hair
I want your pale blue eyes
And I want your soft hands
And your handsome thighs
I want your gormless grin
Your regional accent
And I want your cracked lips
And I want your snake hips
And I want it right now

8. The Charlatans - Jesus Hairdo

 So baggy it's trippy.

7. They Might Be Giants - Bangs

 Bangs are basically what we in the UK would call a floppy fringe.

Bangs
To drape across your forehead
To swing concordant angles as you incline your head
And although I like you anyway, check out your haircut
A proscenium to stage a face that needs no makeup

I was going to say that this must surely be the only pop song in the world to feature the word 'proscenium'... then I found at least five more. Go figure...

6. The Divine Comedy - Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Anyone else adapting an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story into song, you'd have to accuse them of pretentiousness. Neil Hannon...

...no, it's still pretentious. But that's why we love him.

5. Super Furry Animals - Ice Hockey Hair

A not particularly complementary tribute to the much-maligned mullet - according to Gruff Rhys, you've sunk to the lowest of the low if you stoop to asking advice off a woman with Ice Hockey Hair. Or Bono.

For other famous mullets in rock songs, see Army in which Ben Folds grows a moustache and a mullet and gets a job at Chic-Filet when his band split up then reform without him. And then there's Mullet Head by the Beastie Boys: 'nuff said. And finally, of course, there's the peerless National Shite Day by Half Man Half Biscuit, in which we get...

There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets...

4. 10CC - Dreadlock Holiday

The story behind Dreadlock Holiday casts this oddball 70s Number One in an interesting light. The song's based on the experiences of 10CC's Eric Stewart and The Moody Blues' Justin Hayward when on holiday in Barbados (although the lyrics change that to Jamaica). In an attempt to talk themselves out of a) getting robbed and b) a dodgy drugs transaction, they explain to the locals harrassing them how much they like cricket and reggae. They don't just like it: they love it!

The 1970s, ladies and gentlemen: different times.

3. Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro

Son, I'm 30
I only went with your mother 'cause she's dirty

...was a serious contender for My Top Ten Opening Lines Vol. 1. 

Maybe when I get round to Volume 2...

See also  James - Afro Lover and Luke Haines - White Honky Afro.

2. Camper Van Beethoven - Take The Skinheads Bowling

CVB's David Lowery claims he has no idea why this song was a hit, and that the lyrics are utter nonsense with no hidden meaning. Which is pretty frustrating, because I was certain I knew what it was all about. Drat. Still, it's from an album called Telephone Free Landslide Victory, which should have tipped me off. 

TTSB was famously featured in Michael Moore's movie Bowling For Columbine and has also been well-covered by the likes of the Manics and Teenage Fanclub.

1. Morrissey - Suedehead

Why do you come here?
And why do you hang around?

Morrissey's debut solo single, and still one of his best. Much was made at the time that it charted higher than any Smiths single, and while Morrissey solo won't ever match his former band, it's interesting to note that he's had far more success as a solo artist, and a career that's lasted almost five times as long.

The video is gloriously dated though, beginning with Moz reclining in a bubble bath in his swanky Chelsea apartment (complete with There Is A Light... bathmat and the complete works of Byron) before a local urchin arrives to invite him to Fairmont, Indiana to visit the place where James Dean died. Once there, Moz stalks the snowy streets dressed like Chris Lowe from the Pet Shop Boys, graffitis his name in the local school, drives a tractor (see above) and plays the bongo for a herd of cows before camping out for the night on Dean's gravestone. If you've never seen it before, look up "hilarious bollocks" in the dictionary. All of which has nothing to do with the song OR the suedehead subculture, but it's still a winner.





Which will you be asking your salon for...?

My Top Ten DIY Songs

With a new baby on the way, there's a lot of decorating and DIY needed in our house. Sadly, I've never been particularly good with a hammer or a drill... but I can knock up a damn fine Top Ten.


10. James Taylor - Handy Man

This handyman can fix broken hearts twenty four hours a day.

9. The Beatles - Fixing A Hole

Anything to stop the rain from getting in!

8. Bernard Cribbins - Hole In The Ground / Right Said Fred

National Treasure.

Of course, you might argue that the workmen in both songs are experts rather than amateurs... but they're hardly professionals.

7. The Wonder Stuff - Change Every Light Bulb

Miles Hunt is a man after my own heart. Stick to the easy jobs, Miles. 

6. Nick Drake - Man In A Shed

Neil Young believed A Man Needs A Maid... but most blokes would be happy with a shed to hide in. Nick's shed, of course, was where he hid from the world. I doubt he had a large selection of power tools in there. 

5. Peter Gabriel - D.I.Y.

I can't believe that B&Q hasn't used this in an advertising campaign. Maybe they tried to and Pete refused permission. Good on him, if that's the case. 

4. Radiohead - Just

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

No, Thom, that's not what I meant by DIY. 

3. Luxembourg - Sick of DIY

I've seldom been mistaken
For being good with my hands
So it's all so convenient
That you have your own wrench
And I know not to mention
Things that clearly I don't understand

David Shah wisely leaves the DIY to his other half. 

2. Bruce Springsteen - Jack Of All Trades

Bruce will mow your lawn, clean out your drain, mend your car, harvest your crops... he'll even shoot your bank manager, should you so desire it.

1. Billy Bragg - Handyman Blues

When Louise first heard me playing this track from Billy's new album, she said, "he's written that for you". Well, Billy's been writing songs for me most of my life... but this one goes out to men of a certain age everywhere... as represented in the new video by Kevin Eldon, Johnny Vegas, Stewart Lee, Phil Jupitus and various other men of a certain age who'll never be the man around the house their father was. 

Don't be expecting me to put up shelves
Or build the garden shed
But I can write a song that tells the world
How much I love you instead!

Which one makes you want to Do It Yourself?

My Top Ten Phone Number Songs (Vol. 1)

Ten songs about getting someone's phone number... or getting it wrong.

Please note - songs featuring actual phone numbers will be featured in a separate Top Ten. I thank you for your patience.


10. The Beatles - You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)

Someone on youtube claims this song as proof that "even when the Beatles were just dicking around, they were better than anything today".

I respectfully disagree. Still, it's a fun enough diversion... until Macca starts the creepy whisper-crooning. Brrr...

9. Luxembourg - Not My Number

Either you're not using your phone at all... or... just perhaps... it's not his number that you call.

8. Elbow - I've Got Your Number

Don't put this note by your face on the pillow
Don't put this letter in the pocket near your heart
Keep it in the bottom drawer where you hide the sex tools
I pray you always need them
I know what you have done

Only Guy Garvey could sing a line like "grow a fucking heart, love" and make it sound both caring and scary.

7. The Cure - Wrong Number

I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with Angelica
Red and blue soul with a snow-white smile
Can you dig it?

Definitely a wrong number.

6. The Drifters - You're More Than A Number In My Little Black Book

No, really, baby, this time's different... you and me, we're special...

(Why don't I believe him?)

5. Cosmo Jarvis - Jessica Alba's Number

Ah, it's a dilemma faced by many young men living in the unreal world...  if Cosmo had Jessica Alba's number, he'd call her up and ask her to marry him. But he's not all that choosy...

I'd like to go see Toy Story 2,

With just me and Britney Spears, 

And then she'd say "Hit me baby one more time" 

And I'd say, "No way Britney, Domestic Violence is a crime" 

I like the one from Showgirls, 

When she's dancing 'round those poles, 

Or the really, really fit one, 

Who sings in the Pussycat Dolls.
I've nearly got a moustache, 

And they still wouldn't look at me,

Kate Winslet naked in Titanic, 

Or the lesbian from the OC.

4. The Undertones - You've Got My Number (Why Don't You Use It?)

If you wanna, wanna, wanna have someone to talk to... give Feargal Sharkey a call.

3. William Bell & Judy Clay - Private Number

Baby, baby, baby... let me have your private number!

Go on, Judy - he did ask nicely.

2. Steely Dan - Rikki, Don't Lose That Number

There are some bloody excellent songs on this particular Top Ten, and for a while I thought this might come out top. Then I had a change of heart...

1. The Jags - Back Of My Hand 

I've got your number - written on the back of my hand

A classic slice of early 80s power pop, reminiscent of Elvis Costello at his best. Sadly it was the band's only big hit.



So... who you gonna call?