My Top Ten Phone Number Songs (Vol. 2)

Volume 1 featured songs about getting someone's number... this time, it's songs that feature actual phone numbers. Mostly in the title; occasionally, prominently within the chorus.

Start dialling now...

10. Tommy Tutone - 867-5309

A big American hit in 1982... I wasn't in American in 1982. I've never been to America. Maybe I heard Rick Dees or the Emperor Roscoe play it?

9. Hawkshaw Hawkins - Lonesome 7-7203

Hawkshank changes his number when his other half leaves because the only callers he gets are asking for her. He leaves his new number out there though... just in case that special lady ever wants him back.

Hawkshank died in the same plane crash that took Patsy Cline from us. 

8. The Kinks - Long Tall Shorty (424-689)

Well, girls, if you get lonely
Dial 424-689
And your troubles will be over
I'll even give you back you dime

What a gentleman!

7. Squeeze - 853-5937

Could also have made it into my Top Ten Answering Machine Songs, but seemed more appropriate here.

Squeeze were shrunk down to microscopic size to record the video for this song inside an actual telephone.

6. The B52s - 6060-842

Tina finds this number scrawled on the wall of the lady's room. And she actually calls it. Serves her right if Fred Schneider answers. Phew - the number's been disconnected!

5. The Marvelettes  - Beechwood 4-5789

You can call her up and have a date any old time. Alternatively, you could call Karen Carpenter on the same number.

4. AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (362436)

If you're havin' trouble with your high school head
He's givin' you the blues
You wanna graduate but not in 'is bed 
Here's what you gotta do
Pick up the phone, I'm always home
Call me anytime
Just ring: 362436, hey
I lead a life of crime

AC/DC, so the story goes, were sued by an American couple who were getting hundreds of prank calls as a result of "their phone number" being included in this song. But anyone calling was mishearing the lyrics of the song - hearing the "hey" as an "8" to complete the couple's actual phone number.

3. City Boy - 5705

If City Boy were from Birmingham (UK), why were they paying for their calls with a dime?

2. The Glenn Miller Orchestra - Pennsylvania 6-5000

If you don't already consider this a classic, I suggested you watch what it does to Leland Palmer in Twin Peaks...

1. Wilson Pickett - 634-5789 (Soulsville, U.S.A.)

If you need a little lovin', call up the Wicked Pickett - he'll be there as soon as he can.




Which one will you be calling next time you're lonely?

My Top Ten Phone Number Songs (Vol. 1)

Ten songs about getting someone's phone number... or getting it wrong.

Please note - songs featuring actual phone numbers will be featured in a separate Top Ten. I thank you for your patience.


10. The Beatles - You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)

Someone on youtube claims this song as proof that "even when the Beatles were just dicking around, they were better than anything today".

I respectfully disagree. Still, it's a fun enough diversion... until Macca starts the creepy whisper-crooning. Brrr...

9. Luxembourg - Not My Number

Either you're not using your phone at all... or... just perhaps... it's not his number that you call.

8. Elbow - I've Got Your Number

Don't put this note by your face on the pillow
Don't put this letter in the pocket near your heart
Keep it in the bottom drawer where you hide the sex tools
I pray you always need them
I know what you have done

Only Guy Garvey could sing a line like "grow a fucking heart, love" and make it sound both caring and scary.

7. The Cure - Wrong Number

I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with Angelica
Red and blue soul with a snow-white smile
Can you dig it?

Definitely a wrong number.

6. The Drifters - You're More Than A Number In My Little Black Book

No, really, baby, this time's different... you and me, we're special...

(Why don't I believe him?)

5. Cosmo Jarvis - Jessica Alba's Number

Ah, it's a dilemma faced by many young men living in the unreal world...  if Cosmo had Jessica Alba's number, he'd call her up and ask her to marry him. But he's not all that choosy...

I'd like to go see Toy Story 2,

With just me and Britney Spears, 

And then she'd say "Hit me baby one more time" 

And I'd say, "No way Britney, Domestic Violence is a crime" 

I like the one from Showgirls, 

When she's dancing 'round those poles, 

Or the really, really fit one, 

Who sings in the Pussycat Dolls.
I've nearly got a moustache, 

And they still wouldn't look at me,

Kate Winslet naked in Titanic, 

Or the lesbian from the OC.

4. The Undertones - You've Got My Number (Why Don't You Use It?)

If you wanna, wanna, wanna have someone to talk to... give Feargal Sharkey a call.

3. William Bell & Judy Clay - Private Number

Baby, baby, baby... let me have your private number!

Go on, Judy - he did ask nicely.

2. Steely Dan - Rikki, Don't Lose That Number

There are some bloody excellent songs on this particular Top Ten, and for a while I thought this might come out top. Then I had a change of heart...

1. The Jags - Back Of My Hand 

I've got your number - written on the back of my hand

A classic slice of early 80s power pop, reminiscent of Elvis Costello at his best. Sadly it was the band's only big hit.



So... who you gonna call?

My Top Ten Breakfast Menu Songs

Ten songs you might find on your breakfast menu. Don't worry, Supertramp fans, I'll get on to songs with "breakfast" in the title... some other day.

Special mention, of course, goes to Orange Juice, Marmalade and Martha & The Muffins.

I'll dedicate this one to Kelloggsville!


10. G. Love & Special Sauce - Milk & Cereal

Ah, the 90s. So much to answer for.

Unlike most of the songs in this Top Ten, this is exactly about what it says it is.

9. Adam & The Ants - Omelette From Outer Space

Quite.

New Adam Ant album out this week... and from my first listen, I think it sounds pretty spiffy.

8. Electric Six - French Bacon

And now she's living in a shack on the firing line,
With a fridge filled with French bacon,
Mouthing all the words of a famous mime,
For whom she's commonly mistaken.
I love her, I knew her,
I knew she couldn't hang,
And now she's dying in a ditch on the county line,
From a device of her own making.

7. The Band - Orange Juice Blues

Woke up this morning and all I had was Sunny Delight...

(Not really. I hate Sunny Delight.)

6. James - Coffee & Toast

One of my favourite James songs, frustratingly unreleased except as a bonus download from one of their later albums. They should have made it a single.

Also featured on my Top Ten Coffee Songs, some years ago. Along with Squeeze's Black Coffee In Bed, if you were wondering.  



5. Mystery Jets - Flakes

OK, so it's probably got very little to do with Mr. Kelloggs' greatest invention. But it's a mighty, mighty tune nevertheless. Video's a bit weird though.

4. Tom Waits - Eggs and Sausage (In a Cadillac With Susan Michaelson)

Tom Waits has eaten breakfast at every joint in town. This is his recommendation.

Extra points for rhyming "tipsy hacks" with "insomniacs".

3. Placebo - Special K

Brian Molko's breakfast of choice. He likes to keep his sylphlike figure.

(What do you mean he's not singing about cereal?)

2. Labelle - Lady Marmalade

Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

(But not if you prefer the All Saints version.)

1. Streetband - Toast

When he grew up, he wanted to be Paul Young. Result! (Except it's arguable whether he ever made a better record.)




Which one will you be ordering this morning?

My Top Ten (Non-Christmassy) Snow Songs

Because it's been snowing this week. Round these part, anyway. And, as usual, people have been acting like it's the end of the world...

The only rule for this one was that I couldn't have any Christmas songs. For obvious reasons. Hence, no matter how good a song 'Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow' might be... it's not getting in.


10. Belle & Sebastian - The Fox In The Snow

Having grown up on a farm and seen the after-effects of a fox in a chicken house, I shouldn't have much sympathy for the animals. But I do. Besides, Stuart Murdoch could make me shed a tear for even the most hateful of creatures: that's just his gift. One day he'll write a song about Tom Hanks or Michael McIntyre and all will be forgiven...

9. Shirley Lee - The First Time You Saw Snow

I make no apologies for featuring two Shirley Lee records in the space of two Top Tens, even if most of you have never heard of him. Sadly this one has disappeared from its original online source, but I'm sure you can hear it somewhere if you search hard enough. It's worth the effort!

8. The Pernice Brothers - Snow

Or, if you prefer, from the same album: Pisshole In The Snow. Joe Pernice is a big Morrissey fan, you know.

7. Black Sabbath - Snowblind

Ozzy's got icicles in his brain. This could explain so much. (What do you mean it's a metaphor?)

6. Jackie Leven - Stopped by Woods on a Snowy Evening

A poem by Robert Frost, given gorgeous voice by the late Jackie Leven. As beautiful as a fresh snowfall.

5. Divine Comedy - Snowball in Negative

All through this short life we give of ourselves
Giving and giving and slowly diminishing
Leaving a mark that will gradually fade
Ash in the breeze, snowballs in negative

4. Handsome Family - The Snow White Diner

The first Handsome Family song I ever heard and still a favourite. As the youtube poster remarks, it's "very Twin Peaksy".

3. JJ72 - Snow

Another lost classic from a great little indie band named after 72 jam jars. (Or so says the ever unreliable t'internet.)

2. Anne Murray - Snowbird

Not only is this a beautiful song, but Anne Murray was also once the world's best female celebrity golfer. Elvis's version is pretty good, but he was rubbish with a golf club.

1. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Fifteen Feet of Pure White Snow

Nick goes all Mike Oldfield on our snowy ass. Chilling... in every sense of the word. 

I waved to my neighbour
My neighbour waved to me
But my neighbour
Is my enemy
I kept waving my arms
Till I could not see
Under fifteen feet of pure white snow

Those were my snowy songs... which one gets you all flakey?

My Top Ten Answering Machine Songs

Ten great songs left on answering machines...


10.  Ben Folds Five - Your Most Valuable Possession

So, apparently, Ben Folds' dad suffers from somniloquy, a condition where you talk in your sleep... which makes you, apparently, ring up your rock star son and leave garbled messages on his answering machine which he then sets to music and uses to pad out his records. Or so the internet would have me believe.

9. Dandy Warhols - Phone Call

I don't know the story behind this disturbing series of answer phone messages set to haunting music... but it scares the hell out of me nevertheless.

8. Laptop - End Credits

If you came home to an answering message like this one, you'd probably never sleep again.

7. Blake Shelton - Austin

Big-stetson C&W at its most shamelessly cheesey. Nothing wrong with that.

If you're callin' 'bout the car, I sold it
If this is Tuesday night, I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

6. Cinerama - Maniac

On the other hand, some exes leave rather less romantic answerphone messages. This one drives David Gedge to call back... no doubt making matters much worse. You've got to learn when to let it drop, Dave.

And when I made that stupid oath
About how I was going to
Pay for someone to kill you both
It was just my way of showing you
That I wasn't playing

Oh yeah, you're right, I sounded like a maniac
But that's just what I'm saying
You'll only see how much I've changed
If you come back

5. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir

Not the first time I've found a way to include this song in a Top Ten... doubt it'll be the last. A tribute to Shirley's dear departed dad, it's one of the most emotionally devastating songs I've ever heard. Never fails to bring a tear to my eye*, especially when he plays that answerphone message at the end.



(*As proof, I just listened to it again now and my eyes are streaming.)

4. Paul Evans - Hello, This is Joannie (The Telephone Answering Machine Song)

Wow. Not heard this for years, but it does remind me of my childhood. Guess they must have played it lots on Radio 2 when I was 7.

Evans was an old rock 'n' roller from the 50s - he had a hit with the original version of Seven Little Girls (Sitting in the Back Seat). This was a surprise comeback hit in 1979, another excellent car crash song... with a morbid twist. The answerphone chorus is sung by Lea Jane Berinati. In case you were wondering.

3. De La Soul - Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)

You know, the one that Curiosity Killed The Cat... borrowed.

2. Pulp - Ansaphone

Are you really not at home?
Or are you there but not alone?
Screening calls you don't want to receive
Meaning calls... calls that come from me.

If you weren't such  perv, Jarvis, she'd pick up.

1. The Replacements - Answering Machine

Raw and beautiful, Paul Westerberg and co. at their best.

How do you say goodnight to an answering machine?

Leave your favourite after the bleep.