Cnut Songs #27: Customer Reviews

King Cnut could not hold back the tide, and I cannot hold back society's full-throttle descent into dystopia. All I can do is watch helplessly from the sidelines, and nod my head sagely when others hold a mirror up to the madness. 

Louis Armstrong & Carmen McCrae - Good Reviews

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Parliament - New Doo Review

There's an episode of Black Mirror called Nosedive, in which Bryce Dallas Howard plays a young woman living in a society where every aspect of your life is rated by everyone you meet. People are encouraged to rate every interaction they have during the course of their day out of 5 stars, and everyone carries around their own aggregate score which is visible to anyone they meet via special eye filters. People go out of their way to be extra nice and keep their star rating high... because once those ratings start to dip, it becomes harder and harder to function in society.

The Heavy - How You Like Me Now?

It's all a typical Charlie Brooker satire of our need for approval and the dopamine hits that come with smileys, thumbs up and blog comments (as we've been talking about recently in Self-Help For Cynics). And like all the best satires, it feels like it's only one step away from reality. 

Cheap Trick - I Want You To Want Me

Except... the one area where Black Mirror diverts from reality is that the people in that episode are only expected to provide a star rating. More and more these days, I'm being asked to write actual reviews every time I make a purchase or use a service... and as much as I like writing, I take umbrage at the idea of providing free marketing copy. Maybe it's because I used to work in advertising, where I got paid to write that kind of stuff. But also, I get little enough time to write... why would I waste it this way?

Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Review

Clearly there are many people who like to do this. It started with eBay feedback and Amazon reviews, then came Tripadvisor and Trustpilot... and now everyone expects written feedback for everything. The blurb at the top of the page is an edited version of one of many emails I've received over the last couple of months from a company I bought a T-shirt from. It was a very nice T-shirt, but I paid you a fair amount for it and had no complaints about the service... surely that's enough? I'm not writing your marketing on top of that! STOP EMAILING ME EVERY FIVE MINUTES LIKE SOME BABY REINDEER STALKER OR A NEEDY EX!

Look. I posted a picture of the T-shirt on my blog. Please. Leave me alone now.      

Snapshots #282: A Top Ten Southern Songs

I feel like a New Man this morning.

Now we've got that joke out of the way, here are ten songs for southerners...

10. His son's on the lash again. 

This is Albert Hammond. His son is Albert Hammond Jr. He's in The Strokes.

Albert Hammond - It Never Rains In Southern California

9. Cold as ice.

Freeez - Southern Freeez

8. Performed by a bargain basement magician.

Cheap Trick - Southern Girls

7. Rude, tricky verbs.

Anagram!

Drive-By Trickers - The Southern Thing

6. Mia's devilish offspring.

Mia Farrow starred in Rosemary's Baby.

Rosemary's Children - Southern Fields

5. There's a messed up guy online.

"Guy online" is a messed up anagram of...

Neil Young - Southern Man

4. Formerly an influential film director.

He used to be an Auteur. Now he's just...

Luke Haines - English Southern Man

3. Use it to buy the office supplies.

Time to raid the Petty Cash.

Tom Petty - Southern Accents

Johnny Cash - Southern Accents

2. Bebop chops.

The Jazz Butcher - Southern Mark Smith

Classic!

1. Ringing tents in the narrow valley.

Ringing tents would have camp-bells. A narrow valley is a glen.

Glen Campbell - Southern Nights

More Snapshots - direct from the north of England - next Saturday.

My Top Ten Stalker Songs (Volume 3)

Hard to believe it's been nearly two years since I last did a list of Stalker songs. But pop stars just keep stalking... or getting stalked. Here are the first two entries...

Volume 1.

Volume 2.

And here's ten more...


10. Piebald - The Stalker

 Not much subtlety here - but at least he's honest!

I'll be the guy who drives past your house oh.
I'll be hiding behind your mirror, watching you crimp your hair.
I'll follow you with sunglasses on.

9. Green Day - See You Tonight

A little more subtely here... but not much, considering it's only a minute long.

Maybe I'll see you tonight
Maybe I'll see you tonight
Wherever the night takes you
Maybe you'll see me too

8. Simeon's Dilemma - Why?

Starts honest... gets more weird by the second!

Stalker's my whole style
And if I get caught, I'll
Deny, deny, deny

7. Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me

Takes on a whole new level of creepiness these days if you know who sings the chrous...

6. Cheap Trick - I Want You To Want Me

So he's basically spying on her crying, and thinks he's the answer to her unhappiness. Men!

5. The Wedding Present - Heather

Throw a stone at the Wedding Present back catalogue and you'll hit a stalker anthem...

What makes you want to take him there?

What makes you think I wouldn't care?

And did you walk from the town into the heather

To where we used to lie down when we were together

4. Busted - That's What I Go To School For

I always quite like Busted for what they were: silly guitar pop for teens. I was too old by the time they came around to really be a fan, but fifteen years earlier I'd probably have had all their records.

I didn't realise how creepy this song was until I heard them on the radio recently doing an acoustic version of it. I like them a little bit more now.

So she may be thirty-three

But that doesn't bother me

Her boyfriend's working out of town

I find a reason to go 'round

I climb a tree outside her home

To make sure that she's alone

I see her in her underwear

I can't help but stop and stare

3. Randy Newman - Suzanne

Randy finds a girl's name scrawled on the wall in a telephone booth and decides she's the one for him.

And when you go to the pictures 

And I know you do 

Don't take no one with you 

'Cause I'll be there, too

2. Lionel Richie - Hello

Hard to believe this hasn't featured here already. I guess I've been holding on to it. As if the song wasn't scary enough, the video takes it to a whole other level.

1. The Go-Betweens - Eight Pictures

Very creepy song in which Robert Forster follows a lady around taking photos of her to prove her infidelity... I've been listening to a fair bit of early Go-Betweens lately, and this one jumped out at me.

I shot you with my camera
Caught you making love with him
And I shot you with my camera
Caught you doing things with him
And you can't complain
You can't cry
'Cause cameras never lie

Three volumes of this and you probably think I'm a stalker.

No, I'm merely an observer or other people's foibles.

(Same difference?)

Hot 100 #70

This week's image is taken from "New York's leading 70s DANCE/DISCO/FUNK group performing to packed dance floors every week". Only a wedding band then, but from watching their corporate video, they seem pretty slick... and very appropriate for this week's edition of the Hot 100 Countdown as virtually all the songs I had - or that you suggested - were about 70s. In fact, the only ones that didn't were these from Jim in Dubai...

Simple Minds - 70 Cities As Love Brings The Fall

Yeah... nice try, Jim, but you've still not convinced me on Simple Minds.

A much more likely choice was this...

City Boy - 5705

...which is a great tune... but one I'll have to save for when I do the Hot 10,000 Countdown, I'm afraid.

The only other song I could think of that wasn't related to a year (or years) was this...

Brand New - Seventy Times Seven

...but despite being pretty good, it was disqualified on two fronts: firstly, it's really a song about 490; secondly, the lead singer disgraced himself recently. You can read about that elsewhere if you want to, but I have a friend whose favourite band was Brand New... and when all that came out, he took his albums down the charity shop.

The rest of this week's entries fall into two camps then - songs about the year 1970... and songs about the 70s decade. Let's start with the year... and get our token Mott The Hoople mention out of the way first thing...

In Seventy we all agreed
A King's Road flat was the place to be
'Cause Chelsea girls are the best in the world for company

Only one more week of that to go.

Rigid Digit also offered the obvious choice...

Iggy & The Stooges - 1970

...and I Feel Alright with that suggestion.

Others I had in mind...

Robin Hitchcock - 1970 In Aspic (if The Swede wasn't working so hard at the moment, I'm sure he'd have suggested this.)

Bastard Sons Of Johnny Cash - 1970 Monte Carlo

Ringo Starr - Early 1970... which, if you've never heard it, is definitely worth a listen as it tells you just how Ringo felt about the Beatles breaking up... and it's really quite touching.

Onto the 70s decade then...

Martin set the ball rolling with this... which was quickly seconded by Lynchie…

Mike Watt - Against The 70s

Never heard that before - and hence it's not in my record collection (yet) and can't win... but I like the sound of it.

The kids of today should defend themselves against the 70’s

It’s not reality, just someone else’s sentimentality
It won’t work for you

Baby boomers, selling you rumors of their history
Forcing youth away from the truth of what’s real today

Maybe so, Mike, but from where I sit, the 70s look like a pretty peachy place to be right now.

Other notable 70s tunes...

Something Happens - A 70s Wedding

Aberfeldy - 1970s

Cheap Trick - In The Street (That 70s Song)

Luke Haines - NY In The 70s (more from him later in the week)

Hall & Oates - 70s Scenario (from War Babies, the most mental Hall & Oates album, the one that Todd Rundgren produced)

This week's winner though was identified by Rigid Digit. One of my favourites from Mr. Harcourt... which I appreciate as a child of the 70s myself... although I'm a little older than Ed.

I was born the year punk broke
Days before the king was dead
It was the year of the snake
I was a red-faced child
Who stumbled where he tread
Was kept in orderly file
My parents name me Ed
I tried my hardest to smile

Can't we just skip 69 and go straight on to 68? No? Oh well, I guess I'll see you next week then for the inevitable... your suggestions are welcome regardless.

Saturday Snapshots #37 - The Answers

Always a good idea to take the lens cap off before you take a picture, Eric.

What a Strange Brew there was in this week's pile of Snapshots. Well done for guessing them - you all did Wonderful Tonight (well, yesterday morning). By my reckoning, it was a dead heat between Lynchie and Alyson this week, with 3 points each... though I'm tempted to award the tie-breaker to Lynchie for his amazing claim to fame at being the first journalist to ever write about The Sutherland Brothers & Quiver. (And that is why you ought to have your own blog, Lynchie.)


10. Rabbits in discount top hats for lil' Jeff and Bev.

Pulling a rabbit from a discount top hat would be a Cheap Trick.

Jeff Lynne & Bev Bevan were founding members of ELO.

Cheap Trick - ELO Kiddies

9. Aston Mastermind in a muddle over cold-blooded murder.

"Aston Mastermind" is an anagram of Stina Nordenstam. Yes, Martin, I've started doing anagrams now... but only when I can't think of any other clue!

Stina Nordenstam - Winter Killing

8. Kiefer, Angus and Rossif come over all wobbly when hugged by a Scottish queen.

Angus and Rossif are the brothers of Kiefer Sutherland.

If you come over all wobbly, you might quiver.

Mary Queen of Scots.

Sutherland Brothers & Quiver - Arms of Mary

7. It's going to be a fine day - not that the cantaloupes will see it.

A fine day will have no rain.

A non-seeing cantaloupe would be a Blind Melon.

Blind Melon - No Rain

6. A quiet explosion at the hairdressers.

A quiet explosion would go Shhh-boom!

The Crew Cuts - Sh-boom

5. Jacques gets wet at the end of summer.

Jacques Cousteau told many underwater adventures.

Cousteau - The Last Good Day of the Year

4. What a dunce cap has, in the castle of a conqueror, smashing an organ.

A dunce cap has a D on.

William the Conqueror built Warwick Castle (well, he told other people to build it).

Smashing an organ would make you a heartbreaker.

Dionne Warwick - Heartbreaker

3. An Idle God can't find his sunken ship - and he's looked literally EVERYWHERE.

Eric Clapton is known as "God" (only he knows why). He still can't remember to take his lens cap off before he takes a photo.

Eric Idle is just a very naughty boy... but if he'd lost his sunken ship, he would be wreck-less.

Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World

2. Threes. A Carol for Carol?

Three is a magic number.

A carol is a hymn.

The Magic Numbers - Hymn For Her

1. Join the line to the backwards toilet, shouting for a raincoat.

A backwards toilet (WC) would be a CW.

If you were shouting for a raincoat, you might be giving your mac a call.

A line of vehicles is called a... go on, you can do the rest.



I Feel Free to do this all again next Saturday, if you'll join me...

My Top Ten Yeah Yeah Songs

I really wanted to pay tribute to the late Glenn Frey this week (far too many of our heroes are dying young at the moment), but sadly I'm moving house* on Monday so I don't have a spare second. But Glenn... you'll be missed.

(*I would have reposted My Top Ten Songs About Moving House, but as it's only 18 months since our last move - don't ask - it seemed too soon.)

Instead, here's one I prepared earlier...



It all begins with The Beatles... or so they say. Of course, the Beatles didn't invent rock 'n' roll, but maybe they did invent pop music. OK, pop music had been around for a long time before the Fab Four hit the Cavern, but maybe pop music wouldn't mean what it means today if it hadn't been for the Beatles. I dunno, Bob Stanley or someone far smarter than me about pop music will have a theory on that, I'm sure. Anyway, ten songs indebted, one way or another, to the chorus hook of She Loves You, since, if we can only agree on one thing today, it's that the Beatles surely invented the idea of putting more than one yeah together in a song lyric.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh, and special mention, of course, to Karen O and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.


10. Spiritualized - Yeah Yeah

"It's like the Kings of Leon..... but good," is the funniest youtube comment I've read this week.

J. Spaceman is still a bit of a dick though. More incisive musical criticism to follow.

9. Cyndi Lauper - Yeah Yeah

Sometimes, even at the height of her fame, Cyndi was a little bit too kooky for her own good.

8. Cheap Trick - Yeah Yeah

Before they became leading lights of the power pop scene, Cheap Trick had more of a hard rock sound on their eponymous debut album in 1977. Twenty years later, they released a second eponymous album which harkened back to their early days. This comes from that.

7. Jackson Browne - Yeah Yeah

This one's only from a couple of years ago, but it sounds like it could have been lifted from Browne's 70s heyday. The guitar also sounds very reminiscent of Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London, but as Browne produced that and was good friends with Warren, we'll let him off.

6. Black Grape - Yeah Yeah, Brother

Dedicated to the woman who betrayed Shaun Ryder.

You wouldn't want that on your cv.

5. The Pioneers - Let Your Yeah Be Yeah

Written and produced by Jimmy Cliff, taking a biblical quotation (Matthew 5:37, scripture fans) and turning it into a chat up line. The reggae original is the most well-known very, but Brownsville Station also did a pretty cool hard-rocking version too.

4. The Pogues - Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

What if the Pogues had been around in the 60s? They might have appeared on Ready, Steady, Go as in this video recreation... but I don't think Shane would have been allowed to sing, "I love your breasts, I love your thighs".

3. Georgie Fame & The Blue Flames - Yeh Yeh

Clive Powell wasn't a very rock 'n' roll name, was it? Apparently, Clive / Georgie holds an interesting Top Ten record. The only three Top Ten singles he ever scored all went to Number One. He released plenty more singles, but the only ones that got into the Top Ten all went to the top of the chart. This was one of them... I'm sure you can guess the other two.

They Might Be Giants did a great cover of this too.

2. The Wedding Present - Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Always willing to go that extra Yeah to get your attention, David Gedge plays International Man of Mystery in this classic Weddoes single from Watusi. 

1. The Flaming Lips - The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song

Just as mental as anything else the Flaming Lips have ever recorded, but with an added political element. Wayne Coyne claims the song isn't only pointing the finger at clueless politicians but also asking us what we would do if we were in the same position.

I never copy stuff word for word from iffypedia, but their description of the video is even more funny than the video itself...

The music video has three segments. In the first, Asian women forcibly tape hamburgers to a businessman and then he is let loose, chased by several shirtless obese men and watched by amused but non-interfering police officers. In the second segment, a woman resembling Gwen Stefani similarly covered by doughnuts (suggesting that the three Asian women are supposed to criticize Stefani's objectification of her entourage of four women who play "Harajuku Girls"), and is chased by the police officers. In the third segment, Wayne Coyne - who portrays a ruthless leader - has raw steaks and some lengths of intestine stapled to him and gets chased by a werewolf.

Which one makes you go Yeah Yeah Yeah? And which one makes you go No No No?