Celebrity Jukebox #73: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra; after ten excruciating minutes, the cobra died.

Ben messaged me midway through Friday afternoon to pass on the news that Chuck Norris had passed. My immediate reaction?

No. Way.

There would have been an expletive in the middle of that, but I was at work.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down.

I can't say I was ever a fan of Chuck Norris, but I'm still glad he existed. I do have fond memories of seeing his movies every Saturday afternoon in the local video shop. The ACTION MOVIES shelf was right next to the HORROR MOVIES shelf. My attention was always focused solely on the latter - unless I'd decided I wanted to watch Back To The Future or Ferris Bueller's Day Off again. Beyond Die Hard and Lethal Weapon, I didn't have much interest in the action films.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Back in the early days of the internet, Chuck Norris Facts became one of the first memes. They may have originated with a writer called Ian Spector who eventually published a series of collections, but many were just made up by people online. They played up to the idea that Chuck Norris was the toughest guy on the planet, and although Norris himself downplayed their significance, it's clear they played a big part in turning an average B-movie into a living, breathing icon.

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone.

This one was always my favourite.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Speaking of counting, I broke the lyrics search engine when I asked it to suggest songs with Chuck Norris in them. There are literally THOUSANDS of them. Most of them are rap songs, because toughness by association is a number one device in rap lyrics. Most of them weren't very good either. Chuck Norris deserved better. 

Here are a couple I liked...

I could never die, I'm Chuck Norris 
Fuck the government and fuck Boris

Stormzy - Vossi Bop

I want to kill Chuck Norris
And my trick is the invisible fist

Ice Cube - Street Fighter

Chuck Norris's Social Security number is the last nine digits of pi.

And here's one I've actually been listening to lately, from the world's best pop-punk pranksters, Bowling For Soup. This is a song about a woman who's got an abusive boyfriend, and what B4S would like to do to him...

I wish Bruce Lee was here right now
(With his fists of fury)
With his trusty nun-
Chuck Norris is still alive
So let's call up Walker, Texas Ranger
All the dudes from Danger Danger
Let's get the A-Team, 50-Cent with his bling-bling
And a couple of prison guards...

It takes a bad man to slap her around.

Such a tough guy to keep such a good girl down.

She's wearing shades but we all see

Behind the tinted glass.

And I've got 99 biker friends

That wanna kick your ass.

Bowling For Soup - 99 Biker Friends

Speaking of Chuck's long-running TV show, Walker, Texas Ranger... let's not forget that he did a Dennis Waterman on that...

There was once a street named after Chuck Norris, but the name was changed as nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

There's even a band named after him. Ladies and gentleman, I give you... The Chuck Norris Experiment.

So yeah, when I heard Chuck Norris was dead, my reaction was a firm No. Way.

Because if Chuck can go, the rest of us are screwed.

We really are in the End Times now.

Celebrity Jukebox #114: Sean Connery

It's Half Term, so no time for any Cynical Self Help this week. Instead, here's a Celebrity Jukebox I've been meaning to run for the last few weeks, but people keep dying and overshadowing it. 

He might not be my favourite Bond, but he's certainly the best Dad Indiana Jones could have had. And he was the best Russian submarine captain with a Scottish accent I've ever seen at the cinema. When Sean Connery left us in 2020, he left a legendary legacy of roles that went far beyond Bond... The Untouchables, The Name Of The Rose, The Rock, Highlander... and let's not forget the fashion faux pas of Zardoz. 

But how does the Celebrity Jukebox remember the Man Who Would Be King? Predictably, with lots of rappers claiming to be as cool as he was. Hell, even Robbie Williams tries to get in on that act...

I'm an honorary Sean Connery, born '74

There's only one of me

Single-handedly raising the economy

Ain't no chance of the record company dropping me

Robbie Williams & Kylie Minogue - Kids

I bet Sir Sean loved that one.

Not that Robbie was the first to rhyme Connery with economy...

Drink responsibly or drink constantly

Be who you wanna be in this economy

Drunk as Sean Connery at the finery

Can't throw me out, motherfucker, I'm the honoree

Ice Cube - No Country For Young Men

And if that wasn't enough to get 007 shaken but not stirred, here's Adam Ant doing his best Sean Connery impershonashion.

Any messages Miss Moneypenny?

They tried so hard

But there will never be

There will never be

Another Connery

Adam Ant - Darlin' Boy

(At least, I think that's what he was trying to do.)

Allez Allez were a Belgian funk band in the early 80s whose debut album was produced by Martyn Ware of Heaven 17 and the Human League. Singer Sarah Osborne then married Glenn Gregory and the band went their separate ways. However, as the law states that all 80s bands must reform at some point in the 21st Century, Allez Allez came back in 2019 with this. It's great, but one has to wonder if it was the final nail in the Connery coffin...

Allez Allez - Sean Connery

 

And here's a few more bands making the most of Sean's good name...

The Landys - Sean Connery

Half Past Two - Sean Connery

The Nut Sockets - Sean Connery

The Allstonians - Sean Connery

King Leo & The Growling Dogs - Sean Connery

Vike - Sean Connery

Ghostmouth - Sean Connery

Man, Bro, Dude - Sean Connery Saying Sean Connery

Bang Lassi - You Only Get One Go (Sean Connery)

The Tartan Specials - Sean Connery For President

And here's a band from Sheffield who appear to have some inside information...

Sean Connery's Sex Games - Broca's Aphasia

Meanwhile, the Toy Dolls find their way onto this blog far more than I'm comfortable with...

James Bond lives down our street

Jimmy's a spy but both you and I know

Sean Connery or Roger Moore, that I'm not quite sure

But what I know is James Bond...

The Toy Dolls - James Bond Lives Down Our Street

And Mark E. Smith mumbles the first Bond's name here...

The Fall - Spencer Must Die

In truth, it's not the best batch of songs this feature has ever thrown up. In fact, I was getting ready to close with this, from a 90s George Martin Tribute album I got as a promo copy back when I worked in radio...

Sean Connery - In My Life

Yes, that is Sir Sean himself, doing one of the better Beatles songs in his own inimitable sh-tyle.

Fortunately, the day was saved, not by James Bond, but by The James Dean Driving Experience, a short-lived band (fondly remembered in some dusty corners of the interweb) from the late 80s. This was their final single, from 1990, which pedants will argue was still the late 80s...

 

Celebrity Jukebox #100: Sinéad O'Connor

To mark the hundredth edition of Celebrity Jukebox, I'd prepared a special tribute to Glen Campbell, the man responsible for my all-time favourite song. I figured I'd run that ahead of Tony Bennett and whoever else might leave us in the meantime...

And then we lost Sinéad O'Connor.

The thing about Sinéad is, at just 56 years of age, she was an artist from my generation. She was only 21 when she released her debut album in 1987, as I turned 15. Then, just three years later, the Number One hit that would cement her global fame was still in the charts on the day of my 18th birthday. So through all the tragedy and controversy that would follow, I always felt like she was one of our gang, and I felt closer to her because of that. I didn't follow her career religiously, but there were touchpoints over the years, and her last album, I'm Not Bossy, I'm the Boss... well, I really hoped that would be the beginning of a renaissance. Sadly, it was not to be. Hard to believe it's 9 years since I first heard this...

I didn't know what to expect from the Celebrity Jukebox, but I should have known Sinéad's influence ran far and wide, starting in her home country...

My Ireland needs to go back to the source
The initial trickle, a spring and tickle out its flow
My Ireland needs to let go
My Ireland saw Sinéad ripping up the Pope
And isn't able to cope

Stephen James Smith - My Ireland

...over into Europe...

Afeitada como la Sinéad O'Connor 
La vi dejar el pub envuelta en humo de moto. 

(which translates as...)

Shaved like Sinéad O'Connor
I saw her leave the pub enveloped in motorbike smoke.

Ana Belén - Nadie Sabe

...and across the Atlantic...

Mary was a good ol' gal
She didn't deserve this shit
She wrote her lines out one at a time
And she didn't complain one bit

She saw Sinéad cover Loretta on Saturday Night Live
Like every good virgin does
But she spent most her time just sittin' round wondering
Where in the hell Jesus was

Elizabeth Cook - Mary, The Submissing Years

Lovely John Prine tribute there. And as to Sinéad covering Loretta...

Sinéad sang that song on Saturday Night Live in 1992. Later in the show, she tore up a picture of the Pope in protest at the cover-up of child sex abuse in the Catholic Church. This action alone guaranteed her immortality in all manner of songs, including plenty of rebellious rap tunes...

I plead guilty, your honor
Cause I dissed the Pope more times than Sinéad O'Connor

Ice Cube - My Skin Is My Sin

...and, of course, in this...

I rip shit like Sinéad O'Connor
I wear my vag as a badge of honour

Pussy Riot - Straight Outta Vagina

But even without the controversy, it's clear that Sinéad O'Connor deserved her place in the pantheon of rock goddesses...  

Tori Amos, Liz Phair
Sinéad  O'Connor, Suzanne Vega
Jill Sobule, Melissa Etheridge
Tracy Chapman, Ani Difranco
Michelle Shocked, everyone of them has
Something kind of special that I like

There's an awful lot of women
In whose honor I would like to raise my glass to in a toast
Some of them are still alive
And some I hear their voices like a ghost

Dan Bern - Chick Singers

...and among the legends of Irish music...

I went backstage, I couldn't even think
Christy Moore, Sinéad O'Connor, somebody give me a drink

The Mahones - Queen & Tequila

Still, the best tribute I could find was this one...

Read a book by Sinead O'Connor
Stained the pages and stared out at the water
I took a note when she said that songs are ghosts
I guess if anybody knows she knows

Melanie MacLaren - Summer In Sweden

...a song which leads us nicely to my all time favourite Sinéad O'Connor performance. "She had the voice of an angel," is such a cliché... but when you hear this, it's pretty hard to dispute. Especially when she's duetting with an old devil like Shane...

Rest in peace, Sinéad. I choose to believe you're with the angels now.

Celebrity Jukebox #28: Bill Bixby

Following on from Friday's Lou Ferrigno post, here's his other half...

"Mr. McGee... don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

With all due respect to Lou, the true star of The Incredible Hulk TV show wasn't the big green guy with the muscles... it was his quieter, calmer alter ego, Dr. David Banner. Bill Bixby did the quiet man role masterfully, bottling up his rage until he just couldn't hold it in any more... and then, the pupils went wide. More than that though, he cut a truly tragic figure as a itinerant loner, doomed never to settle down. That was always the final shot of the show, Banner taking that long walk out of town, the emotion turned up to eleven with the help of Joe Hammell's heart-wrenching Lonely Man Theme.

The Incredible Hulk was actually Bill Bixby's fourth major TV role. He'd previously starred in the sitcoms My Favourite Martian and The Courtship of Eddie's Father, followed by the lead role as a crime-fighting conjurer in The Magician. But it was David Banner (changed from the comic book Bruce Banner as the producer didn't like alliterative names) that guaranteed his immortality. Nobody could make a walk out of town seem quite so devastating.   

The fact that, at any second, Billy Bixby could go total Hulk on yo' ass endears him greatly to the rap community. As with Lou Ferrigno, he gets name-dropped by everyone from Ice Cube, Lil Wayne and P Diddy to De La Soul and Public Enemy. 

And then there's this...

Red Pillar - Bill Bixby

Not to mention this dude...

Bill Bixby - WTF Happened?

And this one...

David Banner - Mightgetcha

You get the picture. (Yes, we see.)

Meanwhile, David Banner's famous catch-phrase also crops up all over the place, most notably here...

Thom Yorke - YouWouldn'tLikeMeWhenI'mAngry

And considering Prince's boss was called Mr. McGee in the track below, I'm betting the Purple One could well have turned Green... if he hadn't been a bit too leisurely.

Prince - Raspberry Beret

However, right back at the beginning of this post (in the late 1970s), I proclaimed Bill Bixby the winner over his large green alter ego. And the reason for that is the tune below, a far better Bill Bixby song than any I could find that mentioned Lou Ferrigno. 

Bill Bixby died of prostate cancer in the early 90s, but he lives on in my record collection thanks to another Bill, Mr. Callahan of Smog, a man who clearly appreciates the power of a slow stroll of out of town.

You know I used to share a tailor

With David Bruce Banner

That's the Hulk

Traveling jackets and traveling bags

Future rags

And shoes good for walking highways

But never quite far enough away

To see how good and easy it could be

If I just got angry

But I never got angry

Maybe I should have

I could have cleared some things away

In those old Bill Bixby days

Celebrity Jukebox #27: Lou Ferrigno

I've read comics all my life. I can't afford to buy them anymore, so I just read them online through a monthly subscription app. Stream them, I guess. Then again, when I started buying comics they were 10p each. Nowadays they're over three quid a pop - I don't know how modern collectors do it.

Two things got me into reading comics. One was the 70s Spider-Man cartoon, the one with the immortal theme tune. But as much as Spidey became my number one hero, he wasn't the star of the first comic I owned. That was Hulk Comic, which my mum bought me because I loved the old TV show starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. 

Ferrigno was a body builder who initially became famous when he featured in the 1975 documentary Pumping Iron alongside a young Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Scharzenegger was considered for the role of the Hulk, but lost out in the end because he was three inches shorter than Ferrigno.) 

Having lost almost 80% of his hearing as a child, young Lou retreated into a fantasy world of super-hero comics and body-building to avoid the bullies. Excellent preparation for his time as the Incredible Hulk... and for being Michael Jackson's personal trainer for over 20 years. 

You can pretty much guarantee that anyone who's known for being a tough guy will be name-checked in about 300 rap songs, and that's certainly true for Lou. You'll easily find him associating with everyone from Ice Cube to Eminem to Busta Rhymes, plus a bunch of other guys even hardcore rap fans probably never heard of. 

Lou Ferrigno's name features in more song titles than anyone else I've so far investigated for this feature... although none of them are by anyone you've ever heard of. Don't believe me? Try these (or don't, I won't be offended)...

Bob King - Lou Ferrigno

Staunch Moderates - Lou Ferrigno

Antanequiaa Da Bbw - Lou Ferrigno

Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire - Lou Ferrigno's Mad

But wait! They're not all obscure rap songs!

Crash & the Crapenters - Lou Ferrigno

Badass Cowboys - The Ballad of Lou Ferrigno

Moussa - Lou Ferrigno

Glitch Moth - Lou Ferrigno

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's plenty more out there if you like scraping barrels. 

By this point in my search I was starting to get desperate. What were the chances of finding any Lou Ferrigno songs in my own record collection? Well, as it turned out... zilch. The closest I got was an unreleased Weezer b-side featuring Rage Against The Machine's Tom Morello on guitar...

Weezer - Caveman (demo)

Who needs another Lou Ferrigno?

Splitting his shirt when things slip out of his control

Wise men do say that honey gets more bees than vinegar

I'm not sure, so I guess I'll try and let a tantrum out

And an obscurity from They Might Be Giants, a band I have a lot of time for, although this isn't one of their finest moments...

They Might Be Giants - Sold My Mind to The Kremlin 

With no place in the processional

And no seats in the convention hall

I sold my mind to the Kremlin

On the 4th of July.

I was wearing a Yoda mask

You were talking like Lou Ferrigno

A hat made of paper

A vest made of ugly

An intercom with just one button

Despite these many lyrical references, I feel a genuine tribute to Lou Ferrigno has yet to be written. Maybe Ed Sheeran can give it a go...

In the meantime, here's a huge comic book fan with his own tribute to The Incredible Hulk... although Lou sadly doesn't get a mention.

 

What about the Incredible Hulk's other half? Well, it turns out I had slightly more luck with Bill Bixby... as you'll see next time.

Conversations With Ben #2: Hug Tha Police

Sometimes I endeavour to begin a musical conversation with Ben by getting down with da kidz. (Although, admittedly, my version of getting down with da kidz often involves getting down with da cool 80s kidz that I never really felt a part of while I was listening to Billy Joel in my bedroom at 15.) It's rarely a wise tactic for an middle-aged man talking to a 30-something hipster...

Rol: I've been listening to Fuck Tha Police tonight. Just fancied a bit of it. (I almost wrote "Old Skool" here, but I knew he'd pull me up on my use of the term.) Thought you would approve. Also Prince's cover of Whole of the Moon.

Ben: Good album all round but Ice Cube's first solo album, Amerikkka's Most Wanted is superior and Ice cube develops as a songwriter.

Anything by Prince is obviously great.

Apart from the early 00s.

When I was 13, a song came out. It was awful and ridiculous. But catchy. It still gets stuck in my head once every six months to this day. Don't listen to it in front of Sam.

I guess I'll have to wait till he's in bed.

Not even just the crudeness. but how chauvinistic it is for the early 00s.

I wish Fuck Tha Police didn't have so much swearing as I think Sam would like it. Why couldn't they call it Hug Tha Police?

I believe that's the opposite sentiment of what he was going for.

Yeah, but he should have had the foresight to consider that his fans might grow up, become parents, and want to share their record collections with their kids.

Maybe he could rewrite it as "have a healthy distrust of those in positions of authority"?

He could do a Cee-lo version, Forget Tha Police.

Not forget them as that conveys the idea that passivity is an option.

I'm sure Ceelo's ex took comfort in that.

I'm sure there's a kidz bop version out there.

Bloody hell, there is... and guess what it's called!

And even better, there's this...