Celebrity Jukebox #101: Tony Bennett

Tony Bennett had a pretty good innings, didn't he? Over 70 years as a recording artist, working with everyone from Frank Sinatra to Lady Gaga, he always maintained his cool. Look at this performance from just a year ago... 95 and still delivering the goods. Wow.

The Jukebox obviously has lots of tributes to pay. Let's start with a track from an album called Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Hold your racing horses just one minute

A funny feeling coming over me

I'm hearing violins and Tony Bennett

Boy if this is love then I'm in it

Deana Carter - If This Is Love

It turns out Tony is an easy metaphor for all kinds of love and romance...

If you were my girl

We'd slow dance in a bar to Tony Bennett's "Sweet Lorraine" 

While I sang you every word

The Moxies - If You Were My Girl

...all across the genres...

You drove up in a powder blue corvette, it was a stingray

With Tony Bennett on the stereo and a rose stickin' out of the ashtray

You jacked up your shades and you smiled at me

You said "Hello." I said, "Oh no, here we go again..."

Mindy McCready - Lips Like Yours

...the agony and the ecstasy... yes, even the XTC...

Float up with the songbirds I'll croon and how we'll fill skies

Tony Bennett says he'll harmonise

It's a great day for loving you

Just loving you

Andy Partridge - Great Day

Beyond the hearts and flowers stuff though, we find a more intriguing reference...

And when I'm next in line I'm in it to win it
Playin' the lotto dreamy eyed like I was Tony Bennett
When I lose consolation rolls up in a minute
Toothless meth head offerin', mad clinic

Pan Amsterdam featuring Iggy Pop - Mobile

Plus the weird, obscure titular mentions...

Richard Leo Johnson - Tony Bennett

Although I was rather disappointed that the title below was actually a "featuring Tony" credit rather than a song about how Doc finds the old smoothy a bit objectionable...

Doc Severinsen - I Can't Get Started With Tony Bennett

And I was most disappointed to not be able to find this anywhere online...

The Untanned Hide Of A Young Cow - Tony Bennett

Our final lyrical reference comes in a song about another, slightly less famous, Tony, former Arsenal player and self-confessed alcoholic, Tony Adams. Joe Strummer's song is about finding a way out of addiction, and it's probably not the best tribute to Mr. Bennett out there... but it was my favourite tune today... 

I'm lost in a world beyond the lost city

I'm looking for a phone and I can't find one

Got a Tony Bennett eight-track in the hotel, pity

The moon turned around and shot someone

Snapshots #283: A Top Ten Card Game Songs

As far as I know, Bruce Lee had nothing to do with card games. So he's just a wild card this morning. All the songs below, on the other hand, do share a title (or part of one) with a type of card game. So let's deal out some answers, eh?

10. Sheep prefer the baa while the seals go clubbing.

Animal Nightlife - Mr Solitaire 

9. The first joke, alphabetically, is on her. 

Gag A is all about...

Lady Gaga - Poker Face

8. The Las get stuck in the front of the church. 

The first two letters of Church are CH. Put Las in between them and you get...

The Clash - Cheat

Cheat is a card game. It's not just what you do when you're playing card games. 

7. Sullivan takes the prize for the most famous guest.

Ed Sullivan had Elvis on his show. Elvis was a star. So Ed Win(s) Star.

Edwin Starr - War

War is also the name of a card game. It's not just what you do when you're losing.

6. Municipality of confusing magnitude.

That would be a little big town.

Little Big Town - Pontoon

5. From Navarone to Picardy.

The Guns of Navarone to the Roses of Picardy.

Guns n Roses - Patience

Take it from someone who once went to see GnR live. Patience is something the Glastonbury viewers will need next year while they wait for Axl to turn up on stage.

4. Louts.

The Troggs - Blackjack & Poker

3. The sun shines on the king.

Ray Charles - Blackjack

2. What Squeeze have for breakfast.

Orange Juice - Bridge

1. Inlaws, milady?

Anagram!

Andy Williams - Solitaire

Not to Brag, but there will be more Snapshots next Saturday.

Snapshots #204: A Top Ten Songs Named After Famous Actors

Lights, camera, action!

This week's Snapshots brought together ten male Hollywood stars... I'm saving the female actors (or actresses, as we used to call them in the old days) for another time. But not next week. It'll be when you least expect it.

Meanwhile, here are the leading men...

10. The beginning and ending of Stig of the Dump.

St...ump.

Lights! Camel! Action!

Bushes that refuse to burn

See these sandals hardly worn

Raining blood, raining bread

The night we painted Egypt red

Then Charlton Heston put his vest on...

Stump - Charlton Heston

9. Get a loan to build your new privvy.

You need a John Grant, mate.

I got to meet him once, and he was really, really cool.

And when I think about everything's that he's been through,

I wish he'd call me on the phone and take my ass to school.

John Grant - Ernest Borgnine

8. Experts on fairy chimneys.

These are fairy chimneys, also known as hoodoos...

Gene must have made thousand films

He's kissed a thousand girls

And made a thousand kills

And let's not forget he took on Superman!

Hoodoo Gurus - Gene Hackman

7. Often found in crowds.

The madness of crowds...

He picks up useless paper

And puts it in my pocket

I'm trying very hard to keep my fingers clean

I can't remember tell me what's his name

Madness - Michael Caine

6. Known to wage warefare.

Guerrilla warfare.

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad

I got sunshine in a bag

I'm useless, but not for long

The future is coming on

Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

5. An intense tie.

Anagram!

I keep falling in love

And you're breaking my heart

I know that it's wrong

But where do I start?

It's the end of the day

I'm here alone

And you're so far away

Saint Etienne - Jack Lemmon

4. Adam Sandlers.

Adam Sandler was in The Waterboy.

Cowboy hat, man that ain't no topper

His suit's as slick as a lick by Cropper

He's dressing like a Carnaby Street pill-popper

Dennis Hopper!

The Waterboys - Dennis Hopper 

3. Every bird struck.

Anagram!

Bullet was my favorite movie that I'd ever seen

I totaled my go-cart trying to imitate that chase scene

That Duster had six hubcaps, know what I mean

And I love the way they all flew off when it landed in that ravine

Drive-By Truckers - Steve McQueen 

2. Associated with tramps and babies.

Lady & The Tramp.

Babies go gaga.

Every John is just the same

I'm sick of their city games

I crave a real wild man

I'm strung out on John Wayne

Lady Gaga - John Wayne

1. Where... dare?

Where Eagles Dare, of course!

Well, talk about a low-down bad refrigerator

You were just too cool for school

Sock hop, soda pop, basketball and auto shop

The only thing that got you off was breakin' all the rules

The Eagles - James Dean

Put your vest on again next Saturday morning for more snapshots...

Saturday Snapshots #159 - The Answers

 

We currently live in the Badlands.

The Heart of Darkness.

Because the Apocalypse is happening right Now.

And while we wait - and pray - for a leader with the integrity of Jed Bartlett... all we can do in the meantime is enjoy the answers to this week's Saturday Snapshots.

10. Hello, green eyes & rosacea noses.

Green eyes = jealousy.

A big red drinker's nose is known as a Gin Blossom.

The Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy

9. Jim, a British soldier, rejects a runaway... and loses two Euros from his money.

A British soldier was a Tommy.

Jim is James.

Shun Del, who sang Runaway.

Take the E from money, twice...

Tommy James & The Shondells - Mony Mony

8. Woman found in Queen's wireless... it's a wicked affair!

Queen sang Radio Gaga. D'oh.

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

There are days I think this song was the last great pop song. A sure sign I'm getting old.

7. Berny Joe offers romantic flying lessons.

"Berny Joe offers" is an anagram.

Jeffrey Osborne - On The Wings Of Love

6. La petite mort? Bet there will be lots of wrong answers here... 

Climax making you blue?

The Climax Blues Band - Couldn't Get It Right

Such a great groove on that.

5. Mighty, like an Inuit, but self-sufficient... idiotic article.

The Mighty Quinn was an Eskimo. (Some debate about whether that term should be considered offensive these days, though the consensus appears no.)

Self-sufficient is independent.

Idiotic article = stupid thing.

Paul Quinn & The Independent Group - Stupid Thing

One of JC's favourites.

4. Stabbed by spider's silk... ends up behind bars.

Webb Pierce - In The Jailhouse Now

Want to see that suit in colour, George? Check out the video!

3. Scared of girls with fins, tiny robber? 

Fear... Gal... Shark... 

Feargal Sharkey - You Little Thief

A great solo tune from the former Undertone... just a shame he made it his mantra once he went to the Dark Side and became a bullshit record exec interested only in persecuting harmless music fans.

2. Sam cornily considers your ego.

"Sam cornily" is an anagram.

Carly Simon - You're So Vain

I bet you think this song is about you - don't you?

1. Summer nights shampoo... like Mr. Benn.

Adam & Joe famously upset Mr. Grumpy by making fun of his name in a Wella-wella-huh! Tell me more, tell me more... stylee. The shampoo speaks for itself.

Mr. Benn was always changing into different outfits that led to adventures.

More Snapshots next Saturday. Be Sheen you then.

My Top Ten Tramp Songs

This Top Ten is specifically about hobos, bums and "gentlemen of the road". Not any other kind of tramps. We'll get to them. 


Special mention for The Trammps, Supertramp, The Drifters and The Vagrants... and Bruce, of course, because tramps like us, baby we were...


10. Cat Stevens - The Tramp

The only bed he knows is the floor...

9. The Hollies - Lonely Hobo Lullaby

Classic mid-70s ballad from the Hollies, sadly never a hit.

8. Stereophonics - More Life In A Tramp's Vest

Remember when the Stereophonics had potential? Every time I listen to a track from that superb debut album, I shake my fist at the sky and scream, "WHAT HAPPENED!?!"

7. Thea Gilmore - Brother, Can You Spare Me A Dime?

Written back in the "great" depression, recorded by everyone from Bing Crosby to George Michael to Mandy Pantikin (Saul from Homeland!) but it's Thea's version that breaks my heart.

6. Terry Bush - Maybe Tomorrow

You'll know this better as the theme tune to The Littlest Hobo.

Sorry, I've got something in my eye. 

5. Marah - My Heart Is The Bums On The Street

Probably my favourite song by Marah, though the live version on youtube doesn't really do it justice.

4. Frank Sinatra - The Lady Is A Tramp

OK, I'm bending the rules with this once, since the lady in question isn't without a home to call her own. Then again, neither is she that other kind of tramp. And let's face it, I could hardly leave it out. Although Frank's version is best, look who else recorded it...

Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga

Frank & Ella 

William Shatner

Frank & Luther Vandross

etc. etc. etc.

3. Roger Miller - King Of The Road

He's a man of means, by no means. So are The Proclaimers.

And, if you've never heard it before, check out Jody Miller's response song, Queen of the House.

2. Otis Redding & Carla Thomas - Tramp

This came very close to hitting the top spot, and on any other day it might do. It's also one of my favourite men & women bickering songs (one day I'll compile a list), basically just one big argument between Otis and Carla, with some hilarious trash-talking and zinging comebacks. My favourite is the bit where Carla calls Otis a tramp for not being able to afford to buy her all those minks and sables and stuff she wants and Otis replies, "I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, ...anything you want, woman." to which Carla comes back,  "Look, you can go out in the Georgia woods and find them, baby." Makes me smile every time I hear it.

It seems this was a subject close to Otis's heart. See also: Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out.

1. Cher - Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

I seriously consider this to have one of the greatest first verses of any pop song ever written. 

I was born in the wagon of a travelling show
My momma had to dance for the money they'd throw
Papa would do whatever he could
Preach a little gospel, sell a couple of bottles of Dr. Good...

But what do I  know?



Which one are you taking with you when you hit the road, Jack?