2020 Contenders: LYR

Is it just me who sees a band photo like the one above and now immediately thinks "you're not stood far enough apart?" What has the world come to?

You may recognise the gentleman on the right as our current Poet Laureate, and native to these parts. Simon Armitage. Oh god, you're probably screaming, Rol's going to bang on about how Simon Armitage comes from the same village as his dad again, and how he now lives less than a couple of miles down the road from him again, and how he's spent the last 20-odd years secretly stalking him without ever actually meeting him. Again.

Some friends of Louise's were out walking on the canal the other day, and who did they bump into? Lovely man. Had a nice chat, they did.

Grr.

(If that doesn't get your goat as much as mine, consider this: Another friend of Louise's, who lives in Brighton, regularly bumps into Nick Cave. They're on a smile and a howyadoing acquaintance now.)

And don't even start me on Guy Garvey on 6Music. Every week, it's "here's my best mate Simon Armitage..."

My life in a nutshell. Standing outside the party and wondering why I didn't get the invitation.

Anyway, I have written many times before about my admiration of Mr. Armitage, both as a poet and a part-time pop star. I saw his last band, The Scaremongers, live at Hebden Bridge Trades Club, you know, many years ago. So I suppose I have at least been in the same room as him once. Before the restraining order.

His latest musical offering is LYR, alongside musician Richard Walters and multi-instrumentalist Patrick Pearson. I'm guessing the name is something to do with lyrics. Armitage's mournful northern tones are given haunting and evocative backing that's quite some distance from the indie shambles of the Scaremongers... but lovely nevertheless.

You may have heard their recent lockdown song, with Florence Pugh.

Or the Joy Division-influenced 33 1/3.

But you're most likely to have heard the lead single from their album Call In The Crash Team, Never Good With Horses, which received a smattering of airplay.

This, though... this is my favourite thing from them so far. A live isolation recording of that single, shorn of fancy production, but still achingly beautiful...

All Hail The Local Laureate!

I was overjoyed to see local hero Simon Armitage finally crowned Poet Laureate last week. Simon comes from Marsden, the same village as my dad, and I've been a fan of his poetry, his prose... and his music... for many years now.

Here he is as lead singer in his own indie band, the Scaremongers,from the 2009 album Born In A Barn.

Now this is poetry!

The United Kingdom of Song #1: Huddersfield

Welcome to a new Friday feature in which I drive round the British Isles and find a song for every place I stop. It's a little bit like Alyson's American Road Trip series without all the fascinating research and anecdote. Also, where Alyson looks at America state by state, I'll be visiting towns and villages, often off the beaten track, and probably won't stop at any big cities. (That way, if Alyson ever wants to do an equivalent county by county trip around the UK, I won't have stolen her thunder.)

Anyway, I thought I'd begin in my own home town of Huddersfield. Its most famous musical connection is that the Sex Pistols played their last UK gigs here back in the punk era before that all fell apart for them. Famous Huddersfieldians include Sir Patrick Stewart and Jodie Whittaker (so both a Star Trek captain AND a Dr. Who come from my home town), plus James Mason and Harold Wilson. Apparently Roger Moore lived round her for a while (giving us a Bond too!) - and Bryan Adams' mum originated from the town, before deciding to seek a better life in Canada. Musically, the best we have to offer are Billy Currie from Ultravox and Visage, Roy Castle, Evile, and my favourite poet, Simon Armitage, who led short-lived, much-missed local band The Scaremongers.

Oh, and as I've previously written about, Morrissey had a spooky encounter here.

Songs that mention Huddersfield are very thin on the ground though. It's not a name that trips off the tongue or easily rhymes with anything, and most songwriters are a bit lazy that way. The only two references I could find are this...

Cabbage - Gibraltar Ape (they're from just over the Pennines in Tameside)

I wanna be free as a Gibraltar child
Drunk at fourteen on pints of mild
Ignoring preachers, in padded tiles
(Steel-toed caps that sink into the shins)

Instead I'll pass through Huddersfield
To muster out the change and courage I can yield
I'm young again, waiting out the backfield
(We're not spending any of your time) 

And this...

A "comedy" b-side written about the band's manager, Rod Smallwood, who left Huddersfield to live in L.A. No idea why. It appears he wasn't very happy there.

Life in a city living in L.A.

Is a long way from Huddersfield town

The back of the Rainbow's a long way from heaven

But that's where he get's his pork pie

Limos and ladies they're driving him queasy

Rugby and cricket's unknown

Baseball and football they're making him lazy

Your fan club says "Rodney come home"

As Iron Maiden songs go, this is pretty easy on the ears, but be warned: Rodney raps in the middle.

Yes, this song is in my record collection, and I've probably listened to it more than most other Iron Maiden songs I own. But its comedic appeal probably doesn't extend much beyond Castle Hill (as pictured above)…



Please let me know if you're aware of any other songs that mention Huddersfield.

Next Friday, I'll be driving 242 miles down the M1 to a small Buckinghamshire town to check out its Lost Property office.

My Top Ten Thirteen Songs

Happy New Year from Top Ten Towers!

So, it's Two Thousand Thirteen, or Twenty Thirteen, or Another Bloody Miserable Year... whatever you choose to call it. Thirteen's traditionally an unlucky number... but then again, considering the world was supposed to end in '12, we're already starting ahead of the game.

Happy New Year to you anyway - may 2013 bring you all your heart desires... or, at the very least, ten great songs with the number 13 in the title...

(Special mention to Thirteen Senses and the marvellous Thirteenth Floor Elevators.)



10. Big Audio Dynamite - V. Thirteen

The last song Mick Jones and Joe Strummer ever wrote together sounds, unsurprisingly, like The Clash playing one final concert in Sodom and Gomorrah.

 Sodom and Gomorrah? This is London, guv.

9. Ann Margret - 13 Men

When the H-bomb goes off, Ann Margret finds herself the only girl in town... with 13 blokes in hot pursuit.

Uh, there were two men every morning
A-seein' that I was well fed
And believ-a you me, one sweetened my tea
While the other one a-buttered my bread

Simon Armitage and the Scaremongers recorded a song with the same title, but that was a tribute to a local Rugby League team... and sadly, it's not online anywhere for me to play it for you.

8. The Delgados - Thirteen Gliding Principles

Look what you've left me, your bottles of camomile
funny old phrases and outdated style

Does camomile come in bottles north of the border? Down here, we get it in bags.

7. The Pixies - No. 13 Baby

In which Frank Black meets a six foot, sweaty lass with XIII tattooed on her tit.

If man is 5, the devil is 6 and God is 7... what the hell's 13?

6. Johnny Cash - Thirteen

Johnny Cash covers Glenn Danzig. Now there's something I never thought I'd hear... and yet, it works beautifully.

5. Pink - Conversations with My 13 Year Old Self

Obviously Pink remembers what it feels like to be 13 - she's hardly grown up since. If you're a 13 year old Pink fan, this will obviously offer you some comfort... good luck in growing up like your heroine though.

4. Elvis Costello - 13 Steps Lead Down

One of many classic Costello songs I fell in love with despite having zero idea what it was all about.

When nobody knows, she puts on secret clothes
And lies in her splendour for a picture opportunity
Cover up that bruise, put on patent leather shoes
Just stop playing that bad mood music

Still don't.

3. The Cure - The 13th

In which Mad Bob McMad falls asleep watching telly... and has some typically bonkers dreams.

2. Ooberman - 13

Dan Popplewell spends the majority of this song wishing he was still 13. And then he changes his mind...

Do you remember rounders on the top field? 
Playing 'three and in' in your Dunlop Green Flash? 
Getting chucked in the park lake by the thick lads on the way back from school? 
Actually when I think about it, when I was 13 I was a deeply unpopular child... 
13... Thank God I'm not 13... 

1. Big Star - Thirteen

Alex Chilton, on the other hand, recaptures the crazy, confusing, combustible feeling of being a newly-heeled teenager with one of his most simple yet heart-wrenching ballads...

Won't you let me walk you home from school?
Won't you let me meet you at the pool?
Maybe Friday I can
Get tickets for the dance
And I'll take you.

Those were my favourite 13 songs. Which one gives you triskaidekaphobia?

My Top Ten Knitwear Songs

Because the nights are drawing in and everywhere you go, the doom-mongers are saying "it's gonna snow next week"... so we all need some quality knitwear to keep us warm.

Special mention, of course, to The Cardigans, who sadly don't appear to have ever written a song extolling the virtues of their woolly (or polyester) namesakes.


10. Malcolm Middleton - Red Travellin' Socks

Malcolm grows to hate his red socks because they take him away from the one he loves. Knitwear with a mind of its own - scary. (Or maybe his excuses are getting more desperate.)

9. Nick Heyward - Blue Hat For A Blue Day

I met Nick Heyward once. He was a thoroughly decent bloke. (I may have mentioned this before. I may mention it again.)

8. Prince - Pink Cashmere

Not on youtube, obviously. Good old Prince.

7. The Smiths - Hand In Glove

Because the glove in question must have been a nice warm one... considering the sun was shining out of Morrissey's behind as he wore it. See also Pink Glove by Pulp, in which Jarvis manages to make an innocent item of knitwear... frankly, filthy.

6. Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Don't Sleep In My Cardi

Some couples will argue about everything.

It's too short in the arm
Too tight in the chest
Why can't you just sleep in your vest?

5. Babybird - You're Gorgeous

Remember that tank top you bought me? What did you write on it?

4. Sam The Sham & The Pharoahs - Woolly Bully

Genius.

3. Weezer - Undone (The Sweater Song)

A relationship dissolves via the metaphor of unraveling knitwear. So much more imaginative than another bloody song about breaking hearts.

2. The Scaremongers - Cardigan Girl

AKA Simon Armitage, the Poet Laureate of Marsden (i.e. just over the hill from me). Isn't it about time we had a second Scaremongers album, Simon?

1. Sultans of Ping FC - Where's Me Jumper?

It's all right to say things can only get better
If you haven't lost your brand new sweater
Pure new wool and perfect stitches
Not the type of jumper that makes you itches, oh no

I also found a Third Eye Blind song called Jumper... but it turns out to be about someone throwing themselves off a tall building. Hardly in the spirit of things.




Those were my favourite knitwear songs... but which one makes you drop a stitch?