My Top Ten Clown Songs

Every Halloween, I like to post a horror-themed Top Ten. In recent years, I've done My Top Ten Frankenstein Songs, My Top Ten Vampire Songs, My Top Ten Haunted Songs and My Top Ten Zombie Songs (although for some reason, I didn't post that one at Halloween). I was going to do werewolves this year, but it turns out there's something much scarier out there at the moment... and I don't mean Donald Trump. Louise has even made us buy new curtains in case we glance out and see one of these stood in our garden. And so, as a special Halloween treat, I bring you My Top Ten Clown Songs. Let's be careful out there...

Special mention to the scariest clown you'll ever hear: Harpo's Rock 'n' Roll Clown. Now I wouldn't want to meet him on a dark night.

Second special mention to the weirdest threesome in rock history... Joni Mitchell, Tom Petty and... Billy Idol: Dancin' Clown.

Final special mention to Insane Clown Posse. They're supposed to be scary, but I think they're hilarious.

Other fine clowns who were in the running include Elvis Costello (three times, actually), Neil Diamond, Admiral Fallow, Toby Keith, The Cocteau Twins, Jimmy Webb, Brett Anderson, Grand National, Status Quo and Manfred Mann... obviously. Yes, I could have done a Top 20, but I don't do those anymore.

Here's the clowns that did make the circus...



10. The Replacements - Lay It Down, Clown

Let's set the pace, shall we? In case you think this Top Ten's gonna be full of big shoes, cars with their wheels falling off and custard pies in the face. Here's Paul Westerberg's switchblade-carrying clown, angry that rumours keep spreading all over town...

9. Malcolm Middleton - Crappo The Clown

And don't come to Malcolm Middleton looking for a red nose either. A broken nose, maybe...

Two people left in my world
One of them's a dick, can you guess who it is?
Can you win a prize?

Malcolm Middleton: he can destroy hope. Me, I find him perversely hilarious (but in a very different way to Insane Clown Posse).

8. Turin Brakes - Last Clown

This is the world we live in now, Turin Brakes. I picked up two of your albums (and one by Counting Crows), at 'three for a quid' in the local charity shop the other week. That said, I liked them enough that I might pay full price for the next one.

Last clown, drinking in a bar that's about to be closed down
A hero, I was in people's plans I was shaking their hands
I got lost in the world, slow motion walking and diatribe talking
As bad as things be, I'm a natural survivor

7. Warren Zevon - Something Bad Happened To A Clown

By the time you reach the end of this list, you'll realise there's not one happy clown in sight. No wonder they all end up turning bad...

He used to honk his horn and everyone would laugh
He used to honk his horn
She doesn't think he's very funny anymore
Footprints in the sawdust leading to the edge of town
Something bad happened to a clown

6. Idlewild - Like A Clown

Great track from last year's "comeback" album, Everything Ever Written.

The typical code of conduct
At the international clown hall of fame 
Not to smile until you've painted on your smile 
You go looking for laughter 
Yeah, you could be another poet like John Crowe Ransom, Whitman or Hart Crane 
All those words you leave behind 
Will fit together in time 
Like a clown 
You'll do anything for fame 
Tell me did you ever meet another clown 
Who said I'll be around for you now?

5. Everly Brothers - Cathy's Clown

Don't want your love anymore
Don't want your kisses, that's for sure...

The best opening Phil & Don ever wrote. It sold 8 million copies on 7" alone. John Lennon copied the vocal arrangement on Please Please Me.

Aussie band You Am I wrote an entirely different song with the same title. That didn't quite sell 8 million.

4. Dave Davies - Death of a Clown

Dave Davies' only real solo hit (though I have featured one of his other, less successful, solo singles here before) is a resigned shrug towards the circus-like life of a touring rock star, co-written with Ray. 

3. Ron Sexsmith - Clown In Broad Daylight

One of my favourites from Ron, although the live acoustic Ron-cam recreation above isn't as good as the album version. Great lyrics though...

Everything is alright for against the backdrop of ordinary life
It's the easy laugh that gets you through
Your working day and the hogwash
Sad but true, he's a clown in broad daylight

2. Judy Collins - Send In The Clowns

One of the saddest songs ever written. Hence it's been recorded by everybody from Frank Sinatra to Grace Jones, Lou Rawls to Madonna. I'm particularly fond of Mark Kozelek's latest version (not the one on youtube), but Judy's is the definitive recording. The song was written by Stephen Sondheim for the musical A Little Night Music, and he claims it's not literally about circus clowns: just fools like us.

1. Smokey Robinson & The Miracles  - Tears of a Clown

And this is why Smokey Robinson is a god. Just listen to these lyrics: in a chirpy pop song, for Smokey's sake!

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown

The music was written by Stevie Wonder who couldn't come up with a decent lyric so took it to the Motown Christmas party and played it to Smokey in the hope he'd come up with something. He did.

Tears of a Clown is also one of the only pop songs to feature a bassoon. More on that here.

There are those who will tell you that The Beat's version is better, but they are men of a certain age (i.e. about 5-10 years older than me) and though it's a fine opinion I respect greatly... I must disagree.





Which one honks your horn?

October #1 - Meat Loaf & Jim Steinman

1. Meat Loaf - Going All The Way (Is Just The Start)

First up, if you don't like Meat Loaf, you can skip along to the next blog right now. You've made up your mind about that a long time ago and neither this record - nor anything I write about it - will change that opinion. But if you've ever given Meat the time of day, stick around with open ears... and an open mind. 

To say I've been looking forward to this record, the reunion between Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman, is something of an understatement. It's been 23 years since they last did a full album together, and that was 12 years since the previous one and 16 since their first. At risk of irking the musos even more than I usually do, this is as big as Morrissey and Marr recording together again (not as The Smiths, obviously)... or Billy Joel releasing a new album. (Hahahaha: I'm equally serious about both those comparisons, and somewhere a muso just stabbed my voodoo doll with a rusty stylus.)  

But you can build something like this up way too much, and let's face it, the Moz-Marr reunion would probably be as damp a squib as the Stone Roses comeback (though I'd grin and bear it and play it to death all the same) while Billy would struggle to match We Didn't Start The Fire these days, let alone his classic 70s output. So I've been fully prepared for Braver Than We Are to be a disappointment, ever since it was announced as "Coming Spring 2015"...

When it finally "dropped"*, 18 months later, I followed the link to the first single,  and was predictably bummed. At 11 1/2 minutes of full-on bombast, this operatic "Song in 6 Movements" felt like Steinman finally falling victim to self-parody. I sat back and waited for the album with a heavy feeling in my gut, and the first reviews did little to offer any relief. "Meat's voice is a wreck," they whinged. "It's not a new album of Steinman material at all," they carped, "just cobbled together leftovers with the occasional 'new song' thrown in!" One reviewer even swore he was the biggest Bat Out of Hell fan ever before calling Braver Than We Are the worst album he'd ever heard, saying he'd had to force himself to listen to it again just to write the review. Wow, First World Problems of Irked Musos... doesn't your heart just bleed?

On finally encountering the beast then, I was prepared for the worst, and the first few times I listened to it, I did wonder if my lack of outrage was just a brave face forced upon me by decades of hero worship (for Steinman primarily, Meat to a lesser degree). And then something weird happened. I fell in love with the freak... and that love affair began with the very song I'd rejected at the start.

Going All The Way Is Just The Start may well be the ultimate Jim Steinman song. No, it's not better than Bat, Paradise, Dead Ringer, Total Eclipse, More Than You Deserve or Objects In The Rearview Mirror. It's not up there with the classics. But it does do everything you want from a Jim Steinman song, and then some. It's 12 minutes of roaring guitars, Roy Bittan-esque piano, ridiculous, overblown imagery, layer upon layer upon layer of melodramatic tosh like the very best rock 'n' roll has to offer. It grows and builds and crescendos like it's the very last song at the end of the world, like if it just keeps on going, maybe we won't have to turn out the lights after all. If this is, as widely assumed and reported, the very last Meat Loaf record and the last will and testament of Jim Steinman, then it does the job just fine.

Yes, there are problems. Meat's voice, first and foremost. There's no denying it's long past its best. I saw an interview with him where he claimed Steinman had insisted he sang every song in the lower register, and that was probably Jim just being kind. He even struggles a bit with that. There are hundreds of vocalists who could have done a better job on this album, but none would have made the same emotional connection to Steinman's last full batch of songs. This had to be a Meat Loaf album, even if he sang it with his dying croak. Steinman describes Meat's performance as "heroic", and I honestly believe there's a truth to that: it's more than just the usual JS-BS. Plus, Jim has a back-up plan to help out the biggest song, dragging both Ellen Foley AND Karla De Vito back from Hell to pitch in: what should have been a duet becomes a grand ménage à trois. Together again for the very first time, these three really are Crusaders of the Heart.

So ignore the musos. If you ever loved Meat 'n' Jim, give this album a try. Be brave: persevere with it as it I did and you will come to love it. 





(*I'll discuss that word another time, suffice it to say I'm using it ironically.)

October #2 - The Browns

2. The Browns - The Three Bells

If I were to get to the end of 2016 and not mention this song, I'd be doing my listening habits a grave misjustice. Frankly, I've been rather obsessed with it over the last 6 months or so... which is rather odd considering that it was recorded in 1959 (well, this version, at least: the original French song, recorded by Edith Piaf, is older still). Although I may have encountered it prior to this year, my love affair began when John Grant opened his first 6Music show with it earlier this year. To be honest, much as I love John Grant's own music, our tastes are quite different: much of the rest of his show was made up of 80s electronica (he has a particular soft spot for Vangelis), which only floats my boat in small doses. The Three Bells was unlike anything else he played, although I do seem to remember he said it was the first pop song that had stuck in his head as a child.

I love everything about this song, from the conceit (a life told in three verses, symbolised by church bells proclaiming Jimmy Brown's birth, marriage and death) to the blissful harmonies of Jim Ed Brown and his sisters Maxine and Bonnie. I have sung along to it in the car more than any other song I've listened to this year: it's even been a hit with the rest of the family. I can't promise you'll enjoy it as much as I do, but to paraphrase Mark Radcliffe (and probably a bunch of other people): if you don't appreciate this even the slightest little bit, you don't like music.

October #3 - Paul Simon

A couple of months ago, Paul Simon released a new album. The record company hype proclaimed it his best since Graceland. That album is celebrating its 30th anniversary this year, but it certainly marked the zenith of his (solo) career back in 1986 (for all the controversy that surrounded it). Simon has only released 6 albums since, and with the exception of his ill-fated 1997 musical The Capeman, I've enjoyed every one of them. With that in mind, I took the hype with a pinch of salt...

But, you know what? The hype might be true for once. Don't get me wrong: Stranger To Stranger is not in the same league as Graceland, but it is his most coherent set of songs since... well, certainly since Graceland's successor, Rhythm of the Saints. Which is kind of odd, considering it's a relatively short album and two of its 11 tracks are brief instrumentals (I bought the Deluxe Edition, but you're not missing anything if you go with the standard release, except the rather lovely Dion duet). However, musically, it's his most playful and experimental record since Graceland, largely due to the collaboration with Italian electronic maestro Clap! Clap! (Don't worry, Simon's not gone dance). It also hit Number One in the UK album chart (making him, at 74, the oldest male artist to ever do that) and became his best-selling album since Graceland in the US.

Wristband was the first radio single (do they call them Impact Tracks or summat these days?) and on the surface, it's the somewhat smug tale of a rock musician getting locked out of his own gig who's then refused backstage entry by a security guard because he doesn't have a wristband. As with the best of the Graceland songs, its lyrics are witty and clever... but also have a bit more to say about the state of the world as Simon turns the wristband into a metaphor for privilege, the class system and the growing anger of the "have nots" (those without a wristband) in today's society.

My Top Ten Supermarket Songs (Volume 2)

Back to the supermarket, but this time we're doing our shopping the generic way. Own brand songs all the way... and one of those topics that (coincidentally) throws up a bunch of my all-time favourite artists...

Special mention to Inbetweener by Sleeper, which doesn't actually mention a supermarket but the video does take place in one (also a laundrette), as well as featuring Dale 'Supermarket Sweep' Winton, shaking his Pringles for all to see. Thanks to Mark for reminding me of that one! And yes, Mark, I'm with you on Louise Wener...

10. Iggy Pop & Green Day - Supermarket

Sounds exactly like you'd imagine a Green Day song fronted by Iggy would sound.

Everybody sells
And everybody buys...

9.  Mull Historical Society - The Supermarket Strikes Back / Barcode Bypass

This week's BOGOF offer, two great Supermarket Songs from Colin MacIntyre.

8. Courtney Barnett - Dead Fox

My favourite from Courtney. Sounds like she goes shopping with Stephen Malkmus...

Jen insists that we buy organic vegetables
And I must admit that I was a little skeptical at first
A little pesticide can't hurt
Never having too much money, I get the cheap stuff at the supermarket
But they're all pumped up with shit
A friend told me that they stick nicotine in the apples...

7. Gene - Supermarket Bombscare

Just a b-side, from their last album, Libertine, in 2001. Bloody gorgeous though. 

6. Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers - Abominable Snowman In The (Super)Market

Because it scans better, Jonathan reduces Supermarket to Market for the majority of this song, but his intro makes it clear the market... just like this song... is Super.

Two weeks running for JR. He's obviously a fan of supermarket songs too.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Queen of the Supermarket

Ah, the critics cried. This is what happened to the Born To Run rebel? Writing love songs to check-out girls? Yes, I've actually heard this called the Worst Song The Boss Ever Wrote.

What an ignorant response to a song that actually showcases the same blue-collar romanticism and heartfelt balladry Bruce built much of his career on. And he's growing old gracefully, guys: no longer chasing the factory girls underneath the boardwalk where they all promise to unsnap their jeans, here he just wants the checkout girl to take off that company cap that hides her beautiful hair. 

This is why the critics know jack. Because they're so obsessed with cool, they forget real world romance.

Also, no-one criticised Billy for sharing similar sentiments as he got older...

4. Billy Bragg - Brickbat

I steal a kiss from you
In the supermarket
I walk you down the aisle
You fill my basket
And through it all
The stick I take
Is worth it with the love we make

And let's not forget: he used to want to plant bombs at The Last Night of the Proms.

3. The Kinks - Come Dancing

Included here purely because it's one of my all-time favourite Kinks records, and probably the first one I loved. (I was a child of the 80s.)

They put a parking lot 
On the piece of land
Where the supermarket used to stand
Before that they put up a bowling alley
On the site that used to be the local palais...

I love the bit where the two silhouettes are "saying goodnight" by the garden gate... only for the girl's mum to shriek out at them: "What are you doing out there? Come on! Are you gonna be out there all night?"

2. The Clash - Lost In The Supermarket

Mick Jones sings this one, but it's a Strummer song. The anti-consumerism lyrics guarantee that.

I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality

Have I irked the musos this week? No? How about this...

I prefer the Ben Folds version.

Shhh!

1. Pulp - Common People

Inevitable, really. Arguably the greatest single of the Britpop era (if not the greatest song), and certainly the greatest video, in which tiny Jarvis gets pushed around a supermarket by Sadie Frost...

The bit where Jarvis says, "I'll see what I can do..." makes me laugh every time I watch it. Seems ridiculous that they edited the chorus on youtube to remove "...and screw..." I don't remember them doing that back in the day. Dancing and drinking is fine, boys and girls, but let's not put up any shelves afterwards...

I took her to a supermarket
I don't why but I had to start it somewhere...

Which one do you want to check out?