Tuesday, 25 January 2022

Conversations With Ben #25: The Horror!

Rol sends Ben the article above.

Ben: I think that makes me hate him even more because he's just thrown the rest of his band under a bus.

Once again it's all about him.

Rol: Not to mention disrespecting their entire fanbase.

(Still, more points for Robert Palmer though.)

I was having a pleasant evening.

Now I'm really wound up.

Just watched the first two episodes of Archive 81 on Netflix.

Pretty good so far.

Is that out? I read about it a while back. Not sure I'll be able to persuade Louise to watch it. How scary is it? How "real"? She can cope with fantasy horror like Midnight Mass, but not stuff that looks too real anymore...

Not scary. More like a creepy thriller mystery. Just come out. Very real.

Hmm. I'll see if I can trick her into watching it.

I went to get my haircut today. Had to find a new hairdresser now I'm no longer in Barnsley. Drove past a shop on the way home from Leeds with an old guy cutting hair, immediately thought: he's my guy. 

He didn't let me down. It was like having my hair cut by one of the Last of the Summer Wine cast. He kept making sweeping sexist statements, of the "will your tea be on the table when you get home?" kind, and then he told me a lengthy story about a rag and bone man who kept a donkey in his kitchen, and another about a guy he knew who had no brakes in his car, so if he gave you a lift, he would slow down by sticking his feet out the door.

I'm definitely going back there.

Was your tea on the table?

Pak choi?

With miso and udon?

My tea was in the dog.

And we only have cats.

Did the barber make a joke about Chinese food there?

You'll be disappointed to hear that he made no racist remarks at all.

Not all bigots are into everything.

I bow to your superior knowledge of bigotry.

I think you need to read the anti racist baby book again.

Is the baby meant to be singing a song and doing an interpretive dance there?

Kate Bush's choreographer?

I'm going to buy you a copy for your birthday.

I already have enough books I can't get through.

Thoughts on Yard Act?

I can't decide whether I like them or not.

Their new album is out and I still can't decide.

Never heard of them. Wait a minute...

I see what you mean. Can't decide if they deserve more of my attention or if he's just a bad stand up character.

Yeah, that's exactly it. I sit down with it but go back and forth whether it's good or not.

And he reminds me of Mr. C. from The Shamen.

I got a new badge at work today.

Still using your Witness Protection name when you teach, I see.

They'll never find me.

Plus, it keeps the kids from googling my blog.

They managed to make your forehead both smaller and larger at the same time.

And look at you rocking an under t-shirt!

I wear under t-shirts all the time in the summer. Never been a vest man.

Is it like starting a new identity at a new school?

It's a chance to reinvent myself.

I persuaded Louise to watch the first Archive 81. She just about made it through.

How much did they pay you to play Samuel?

(The actor in the green top looks exactly like Ben. In case you were wondering what he looks like.)

£12.50 and a Lion Bar.

Need to fire my agent.

Can't even eat the Lion Bar since it's got dairy in it.

And lions.

They stopped that back in the 80s.

Bloody PC brigade!

Huh. Next you'll be telling me the same applies to Penguins.

World gone mad.

They've always used imitation penguins, like crab sticks.

Shut up.

Hopefully now we're out of the bloody EU we can get back to being great and using the real thing again.

And none of those shite metric measurements.

I want seven quibwongs to a yard again.

(Do you mean a yard act?)

I'm looking forward to breaking my teeth on a post-Brexit Double Decker.

As we move away from the EU food and drink directive, we can enjoy moving towards the US FDA style FREEDOM Res restrictions.

You will soon be able to enjoy 100% naturally synthetic nougat style chew.

All natural, obviously.

Which in the US is legally a marketing term and has no basis in natural ingredients.

I'm looking forward to everyone eating those little compressed astronaut meals.

They contain real food. You won't be getting them.

Just seen the new Scream film. It's very good.

Please tell me Courtney Cox dies this time.

Sorry. Ghostface appears before the film and tells us we can't tell anybody anything about it or he'll come for us.

In that case....

Please tell me Courtney Cox dies this time.

I'll be right back...


  1. Archive 81, Rol, what do you think? Should I give it a whirl?

    1. I'm enjoying it so far (2/3rds of the way through) but am always ready for it to jump the shark in the final episode...

  2. Archive 81 - you got me at "remote research facility"!

    1. I'd love to work at a remote research facility.

  3. That’s a very big badge and it destroys your Grumpy Old Man persona.

  4. A picture of a Ben lookalike too - And we used to think he was your imaginary friend.

    1. I'm not sure how putting up a picture of a TV actor and saying "Ben looks like this" in any way confirms his reality.

  5. That's a wonderful badge.
    And you are the only other person on the planet I've ever come across who has heard of Nut! Have a small collection of CD singles of hers on the shelf here, including Scream, and I know she made an album. Then she just seemed to disappear.

    1. That was right at the time I was working in the record library and mainlining anything remotely interesting that came through the postbag.


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