Celebrity Jukebox #105: Agatha Christie

We've had her under surveillance since the beginning of the 20th Century. She's implicated in all manner of crimes, including being the best-selling fiction-writer of all time, writing over 80 books, and being responsible for the world's longest running stage play. But what evidence could we find to help convict her?

Let's look at the witness statements, starting with a Knight of the Realm...

Oh, in her two pound coat

She really thinks she's cloaked in mystery

She's actin' like some character from Agatha Christie

I got a pain in my shoes and all I wanna do is dance

The Boomtown Rats - Keep It Up

Ah, so it appears we can rhyme Christie with Mystery. Can any other witnesses back that up?

It's not a mystery, Agatha Christie

Dizzee Rascal - Body Loose

And there's more where he came from...

I never wanted to be 

A man of mystery

My life's an open book

by James Joyce and Agatha Christie 

Jimmy Buffet - If It All Falls Down

Not sure that particular beach bum is a trusty source. Here's someone a little more trustworthy...

In my parallel life I could solve this mystery

Like Agatha Christie I'd have a clue

Alice Peacock - Parallel Life

Now who let this bunch of reprobates into the court room?

We can stand naked on the corner of Main Street, baby, and

Let everybody slow down and take a look

You can drive your Cadillac to the library, baby, and maybe read the

Last ten pages of an Agatha Christie book

You can feed my cat to my dog

And turn around and feed my dog to my horse

You can screw the whole damn royal family, baby, until they

All get a divorce

The Dead Milkmen - The Blues Song

Clearly there are a lot of questions surrounding our suspect today. For example...

Life and Agatha Christie in a Trailway back from New Orleans
Who dunnit, who carried you?

Malcolm Holcombe - Who Carried You?

And more importantly...

The CIA?
The KGB?
Agatha Christie?
Whodunnit? Whodunnit? Whodunnit?

Glaxo Babies - Who Killed Bruce Lee?

In truth, they're queuing up to testify in this case, for both the defence and the prosecution...

Steve Hackett - Carry On Up The Vicarage (A Musical Tribute To Agatha Christie)

The Devil - Agatha Christie

(Proof, if proof be needed, that he doesn't have all the best tunes.)

Negative Nancies - Agatha Christie

The Deep Freeze Mice - Reading An Agatha Christie

...although I'm not sure I'd trust any of that lot.

Thank heavens then for a reliable witness in the shape of our old friends, The Lucksmiths...

I love her but she loves Agatha Christie

And she's so wrapped up in the English Murder Mystery

I was nowhere near the scene of the crime

I was nowhere around at the time

Someone dropped arsenic in Mr Robinson's wine

Getting angry doesn't suit her

Says her English Literature tutor

Case closed.

Celebrity Jukebox #68: David Crosby

And the requiems keep coming...

David Crosby was, by all accounts, a grumpy old git. But we have no problem with that here at Top Ten Towers. Indeed, we embrace Grumpy Old Gittiness. The best word I could find to describe him online was "ornery", which seems like a fine word to have engraved on your tombstone. Who cares, when you make music as beautiful as this...?

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Almost Cut My Hair

Crosby's refusal to visit the barbers on a regular basis inspired Robyn Hitchcock to pen the following...

You're in funky denim wonderland

You and David Crosby and a bloke with no hand

You've got hair in places

Most people haven't got brains

Robyn Hitchcock - 1974

Frank Zappa's groupie was also fixated with Crosby's hair...

How about David Crosby? 

I mean, he's so... IN, y'know, I...

No, I never...

He's... he just knows, 

I mean, he almost cut his hair, but he didn't, well...

Frank Zappa - The Groupie Routine

Meanwhile, the Dead Milkmen find David a little difficult to swallow...

What do they taste like, some kind a' treat?

How many hippies can this monster eat?

It ate stills and Nash before they could shout

And then it chewed on David Crosby but it spit him out

All the punks are gonna scream, yippee

'Cause it's the thing that only eats hippies

The Dead Milkmen - The Thing that Only Eats Hippies

Slightly more philosophical, here's the wonderfully named Self Saboteur...

Maybe David Crosby was right

And we've all been here before

Maybe my spirit leaves at night

Through a golden astral door

Self Saboteur - The Interpretation of Dreams

While Jake Burns wants to move to Laurel Canyon to hang out with the great man...

Imagine if David Crosby lived next door

He'd be talking 'bout his future summer tour

Telling stories 'bout the Troubadour

The truth that lies beneath the floor

Jake Burns - California Bound

Time for the usual round-up of obscure titular mentions, courtesy of Discogs...

The Saps - David Crosby

David Grisman and Andy Statman – Crosby, Stills & Nash

Lily & Horn Horse - Crosby, Stills & Nash

Sadly, I couldn't find Eugene Chadbourne's song "Lock David Crosby Up!" anywhere online.

Here's a couple that mention Crosby as the letter C, with those other guys...

Oh Mr. Hendrix, how high he could fly

Loved those golden vocals from CSNY

Don Felder - American Rock n Roll

We got this melody

Bringin' the harmonies like CSNY

To write a tune you know will never die

Let's gather round and sing a song

Gang of Rhythm - Walk Off This Earth

(Very entertaining video for that one.)

Almost last word goes to Nigel Blackwell...

If I was in CSNY, I’d be Stephen Stills

Fair enough, Nigel.

Half Man Half Biscuit - Depressed Beyond Tablets

Today's winner though is a delightful new discovery who will be getting further investigation from me. And that is why I do this feature. Take it away, John Craigie...

I don't know how I'm gonna find ya, babe it's hard for me 

You're always 2, 000 miles from wherever I play

And you want some kids, maybe I want em too

Can we get ourselves a old one, maybe 22

Ain't got no college loans, ain't got no other debts too

He could smoke with me, he could drink with you

He could be my drummer, David Crosby does that

He didn't raise his neither, honey, how 'bout that?

RIP, the C in CSNY.

My Top Ten Laundrette / Laundromat Songs

This one was inspired by The Swede who posted one of these tunes a few weeks back. I liked it so much, I thought I'd dig out nine more and toss them in the washing machine...

10. Joe Jackson - Laundromat Monday

Joe wonders where his Mondays went, while trying to find someone else to do his chores...

I want a French maid, someone to wash my jeans
Each quarter I've made is lost in washing machines
I'm gonna change the world, I could be President
If I could just work out where all my Mondays went

9. Camper Van Beethoven - (I Was Born In A) Laundromat

Another CVB song that appears to have an anti-racism subtext mixed among the tumbled socks...

I was born in a laundromat
I was born in a cul-de-sac
Some of us are brown
And some of us are white
Just give me some tension release

8. The Dead Milkmen - The Laundromat Song

Ever fallen in love across the laundromat floor? Hide your embarrassing undies...

Clothes go round and round
And my heart goes up and down
She's drying her jeans
In separate machines

My mind grows dirty when my clothes get clean

7. The Avett Brothers - Laundry Room

I suspect there's more going on here than just a little fluffing and folding...

Close the laundry door
Tiptoe across the floor
Keep your clothes on
I've got all that I can take
Teach me how to use
The love that people say you made

6. Rory Gallagher - Laundromat

Rory Gallagher sleeps inside a washing machine. Those crazy 70s.

5. The Detergents - Leader of the Laundromat

An answer song written as the male response to Leader of the Pack. I remember hearing Brian Matthews play this years ago. It's quirky and kitsch, but can't hold a candle to the original.

4. Trent Willmon - Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat.

I might give this one to Charity Chic for his Most Country of Country Song Titles series...

3. Albert King - Laundromat Blues / Answer To The Laundromat Blues

Don't put your blues in with your whites, Albert.

You take two or three pieces
And go down to the laundromat
An' take ya eight hours to wash 'em
No good!

2. The Pretenders - Watching The Clothes

Imagine bumping into Chrissie Hynde down the washeteria!

1. Vivien Goldman - Laundrette

Thanks again to The Swede for this lost early 80s gem. Had to make it Number One because it's just so quirky/offbeat/cool.



What's in your washing basket?