Celebrity Jukebox #67: Brigitte Bardot (Part 3)

OK, I realise this is a cheap way of filling blog posts on my first week back at work, but don't blame me - blame all these songwriters who were obsessed with the late Ms. B.

Last lot today, I promise. Though I did leave a load out... and probably missed a bunch too.

We'll start with a suggestion from The Swede, which I'm kicking myself I didn't remember...

Will Serge's own 'Initials BB' will be making an appearance?

And the reason I'm kicking myself? I'm a big fan of the Mick Harvey version...

On with the show... and I suppose we have to get this one out of the way...

The Bollock Brothers - Brigitte Bardot

Now let's move up to something with a bit more class.

I'm in love with Sophia Loren
I'm in love with Bridget Bardot
I'm in love with the whole dumb scene

The Psychedelic Furs - We Love You

Zig-zag, walk like Marilyn Monroe
Zig-zag, talk like Brigitte Bardot
No stone gonna be unturned
When you're out there, walkin' and a talkin'
Baby, doin' the Zig-Zag Walk

Foghat - Zig Zag Walk

You know what, you're a supersonic flight
A song by Lennon and McCartney
A Mohammed Ali fight
You're like Brigitte Bardot
No way Danny La Rue...
But most important of all
You are you

Gilbert O`Sullivan - You Are You

Marilyn, Sophia, Danny La Rue... who else might Brigitte get compared to?

She smiles like Richard Nixon
Walks like Brigitte Bardot
And I love her, but I can't trust her

The Bad Examples - She Smiles Like Richard Nixon

That's the problem with being an icon. You can choose your lyrical bedfellows. Still, given what C said about Brigitte's latter-day politics, maybe she'd appreciate spending time with Tricky Dicky?

Well you may not look like Brigitte Bardot
But you got rhythm in your big black toe

Colin Blunstone - Pay Me Later

That's got to be the weirdest lyric yet. Can Noddy beat that?

I get weird imaginin's about all different kinds of things, but I always try
To get fantasising thoughts, maybe Bardot in her shorts, like a natural guy
So I took a trip to Tutankhamen's tomb
He was alone and said he hoped I'd come back soon

Slade - I'm Mad

Of course he can.

Bobby boy's full of bravado
His girlfriend looks like Bridgette Bardot

You know, I wouldn't normally lower myself to the Menswear level, but credit where it's due - that's one of the better rhymes I've seen since starting this list.

Menswear - Stardust

Can anyone find a better rhyme for Bardot?

I should be raising the bar high, avoiding the bar low
I'll write a million songs for you as if I was Barlow
'Cause you're my Bridget Bardot, my precious cargo
I'm tryna speak my mind but I don't get very far though

Example - Millionaires

Alright, show-off. After that, let's go for a really basic one...

The first time that you saw Bardot
Inside you really glow
But I feel better than that
(I feel better than that)

Miles Kane - Better Than That

Lots of blokes squeezing her into their songs? What about a lady for a change?

Every time I see you, I see Paris in your eyes
A hint of the forbidden, Brigitte Bardot style
Every time I dream of you, I dream that distant land
Where I once held tomorrow in my hand

Janis Ian - Paris In Your Eyes

And another female perspective... from a male songwriter.

'Cause when I was a little girl, you'd dress me like Bardot
And the hallway'd become a catwalk, and you'd watch me go to the show
Said, "All the little girls were pretty, but I was pretty like fresh flowers"
I was a superhero, mama, with superpowers

Kevin Morby - US Mail

And to close - this really is the end of our Bardot tribute, I promise! - here's the theme to Eurotrash, by Francis Lai... and a certain Ms. Bardot.

Snapshots #219: A Top Ten Sarah / Sara Songs

I did look for a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker holding a camera. That would have been timely with the whole Sex & The City revival going on right now, Unfortunately I couldn't one. Also, SJP annoys the hell out of me. Unlike the divine Sarah Paulson, an actress who elevates any film or show she appears in. 

So it's Ms. Paulson who introduces our Top Ten Sarah Songs. Take it away...

10. Oft welcomed, a comet flowed.

"Oft welcomed, a" and "a comet flowed" are both anagram...

Fleetwood Mac - Sarah 

9. Connected to celebrity's thigh.

The star's hip bone would be connected to the celebrity's thigh bone...

Starship - Sara

8. Headwear that can't be plaited.

You can't plait fog, can you?

Foghat - Sarah Lee

7. Found in the lobby and nowhere else.

"lobby and" was an anagram...

Bob Dylan - Sara

6. Murder via heavenly bodies.

Sun kills moon! (That's Mr. Mark Kozelek there. Don't mess with him.)

Sun Kil Moon - Sarah Lawrence College Song

5. Maternal agony.

Anagram!

Ray LaMontagne - Sarah

4. Jim Morrison claimed to be one.

He claimed to be a Lizard King. And the King of the Lizards was...

T-Rex - Sarah Crazy Child

3. Hipster friend quits card game.

My hipster friend is Ben. If he quits a card game, he folds.

Ben Folds - Zak & Sara

2. Axe murderess needs to eat more pies.

Lizzie Borden needs to put on a bit of weight.

Thin Lizzy - Sarah

(Strong stomachs or sick bags required for that video.)

1. Linked to the Church and the Quakers.

Church Hall + Quaker Oats.

Hall & Oates - Sara Smile

Smile, Sarah - there'll be more Snapshots next Saturday...

Conversations With Ben #20: M&S or S&M?

Ben: Are they threatening me?

Rol: I'm more interested to know what X Bite is. Some weird S&M shit?

Boardgame website.

Can't have M&Ms, they're not vegan.

We bought a car yesterday.

Just a little nipper run around.

It's a Chevy.

Now I need to work out what the levy is and how to push it there.

Wrong answers only, please.

Wasn't he the lead singer of the Four Tops?

Billy Bragg made him cry.

We're currently calling it Eugene.

After this...?

Although it's more likely you named it after Sufjan or Kevin... or maybe the Beastie Boys.

Eugene Levy... Chevy!

Is it a...?

No.

Hang on, here's a Top Ten...

10. Alabama Shakes - Heavy Chevy

9. The Beat Farmers - Blue Chevrolet

8. The Barracudas - Chevy Baby

7. Deer Tick - Chevy Express

6. Foghat - Chevrolet

5. Patrick Gammon - Yo Chevy

4. ZZ Top - Chevrolet

3. Mickey Jupp - Chevrolet

2. Sammy Johns - Chevy Van

1. The Mountain Goats - New Chevrolet In Flames

I hope it's not that last one.

I'm fully aware you won't listen to any of those, but it kept me entertained for an hour or so.

They all came from my music library. I could have put Chevy into a streaming service and come up with a hundred more, but that would have been fake.

They are all phenomenal actually

I will make a CD with them on for it.

Once I get a CD recorder.

Or a CD drive for a laptop.

There's no need to be sarcastic.

I wasn't.

I genuinely appreciated them.

One more then...

I think you should go into work on your last day dressed in Fubu, pretending that that's who you were all along.

I had to google Fubu.

For Us By Us.

I thought it was like Fubar

Or Snafu.

Or just another one of your S&M things.

I only get my bits from M&S, not the full shop.

Have you been tested for dyslexia?

Yes. By the Marquis de Sade. (M de S.) It was a pretty grueling test.

I'm concerned about the company you're keeping.

You stay away from that boy, he's a bad influence.

I thought he was a Smooth Operator.

Did you have a special meal as a celebration for leaving the job?

Or just jam sandwiches?

That's how I picture all your meals.

Maybe the odd ham salad sandwich.

But mainly jam sandwiches and a coffee.

Breakfast, it's jam on toast.

Lunch: jam sandwiches.

Tea: confiture en croute.

I don't like jam sandwiches. I prefer my jam on scones.

So, jam on toast. Ham salad sandwich, scone for tea.

Clotted cream only at weekend.

Or Friday nights.

I eat blueberries too.

I like real blueberries. I prefer rhubarb jam.

As long as we agree quince is the king of jams.

It would be Top 5.

We stopped at a Farm Shop the other day. They're normally a good source of interesting jams. All they had was Strawberry and Raspberry. I burnt the place to the ground.

I'd leave them a two star review on Google.

Because you're a millennial. We did things properly in Gen X.

Joined the NF?

Yes! The New Frontier...

Would you consider this a Large Americano?

Small.

Regular at a push.

I'd finish that and then take the cup to the counter and say you're ready for the other half of your large coffee.

 It was a thimble.

Surely that's a war crime.

Luckily. I carry my matches with me at all times.

I'd get the UN involved.

I prefer to keep my protests apolitical.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali would be furious at that comment.

I call him Al. He always chuckles at that.

I said Boutros Boutros-Ghali... not Chevy Chase.

I know they sound the same.

It's pronounced Gar Lee. Not Gull Lee.

Al-Boutros!

Jesus. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Well, I spelt it correctly.

Again, have you ever been tested for dyslexia?