If you're wondering why there was a photo of Stevie Wonder holding a camera available on the web of lies, apparently it comes from an old Saturday Night Live sketch in the 80s. Stevie was presumably a very good sport.
As to why it was featured here, well...
13-month-old baby, broke the looking glass Seven years of bad luck, the good thing is in your past When you believe in things that you don't understand Then you suffer Superstition ain't the way
Here are fifteen songs about good and bad luck superstitions...
Another query I stole from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions, with the hope of hearing your answers...
What's the best advice you've ever received and ignored?
Sometimes I wonder about this. Chances are though, if you ignore some advice and end up regretting it, you'll probably edit your memories to forget you were ever given that advice in the first place. Well, that's how my memory works, anyway.
My parents would have loved me to go to university after my A Levels, but I was determined I wanted to go work in radio for no money instead*. My parents never pushed me though... they let me make my own mistakes and find my way back. Possibly this came from my brother who left school to pursue an accountancy course, hated it, quit, got a milk round, saved up, bought himself a digger and went on to become a very successful builder. Maybe they thought I would follow a similar path.
(*Literally: for the first couple of years, I did not get paid.)
I didn't, but I did eventually end up going back to university while I was working nights at the radio station, thereby having my cake and eating it. Because as well as wanting to be a DJ, I also wanted to be a writer. Somebody probably should have given me some advice about that as well.
It might have been better had someone advised me to go away to university rather than staying in my hometown... socially, at least, it might have made more well-adjusted human being... but on the other hand, I did finish uni without any student debt, and there's not many people who can say that.
Rol: I went into a local newsagents to get some Formula 1 cards that Sam is collecting. Didn't get any. Instead, I got a 5 minute lecture on how he's been a newsagent all his life and he doesn't stock trading cards because he's seen too many kids throw away money on them and blah blah blah blah blah. It was like something out of League of Gentlemen.
Ben: He sounds more like he hates kids. Probably doesn't like them in his shop at all.
I remember the days of collecting stickers for my Beano Panini sticker books and my Simpsons one.
Running around the house desperate to do chores, no matter how small, so I could get another 30p and run to the shop to get another pack.
I'm so old it was Empire Strikes Back.
That dotard in your newsagent's doesn't know what he's on about. I still have my two stickerbooks. Can't bring myself to throw them away because of the memories of putting it together. I only ever see it when I'm moving but it sparks pleasant memories and I spend a good ten minutes looking through. I still remember which ones were so rare and the excitement of finding them.
Yeah, I still have a couple of mine too.
It was a hilarious scene though. He was still lecturing me as I left the shop. I wish I'd said to him, "how many newspapers are you selling these days, mate?"
You should have gone full bell-end and started mimicking him in the most obnoxious voice with exaggerated hand gestures...
I love miserable shopkeepers though. I still remember the local coffee shop I dared to go in at 3.30 (he closed at 4). He audibly groaned as I walked in and said, "I hope you don't want coffee 'cos I'm cleaning the machine now."
Still, we need to support our local businesses!
Definitely. But it's definitely helpful if they aren't dicks.
You work in customer service in an age where you can get almost anything delivered. All I need is a smile and I'm sold.
Did he at least have a mini freezer full of 10p Mr Freezes?
I wasn't about to start inspecting the things he chose worthy of selling: too busy listening to what he wouldn't sell. I bet he had some dodgy magazines behind the counter. He's probably not heard of the internet.
I really want an ice pop now.
One thing that I really miss as a vegan is a choc ice
I can get Magnums and shop own brand ones and luxury style non dairy ice-creams that mimic a Magnum but I want a choc ice.
Something that has no pretensions.
In a paper bag, usually broken. Cheapest shit on earth. I want that.
We had dairy free ice cream this afternoon.
It was horrible
What brand? There's some shockers.
Poncy ice cream shop that's opened up in the centre of the village. Only sells DF.
Homemade?
I guess so. Sam liked the bubblegum flavour, but the mango I had was minging.
Gritty and ice shards?
No, it was smooth enough. Just tasted artificial. I like a nice sorbet, but this wasn't it.
Can't comment as haven't tried it. But I'd say that's less to do with non dairy and more to do with the flavour that the shop uses. Poorly made vegan ice cream usually is gritty or has ice shards in because non dairy milks have xantham gum in to thicken and stop separation which if you don't freeze it properly separates the water and turns it into some weird ice.
Left a nasty taste in my mouth, can still taste it now. Like those drinks full of aspartame.
That'll just be the flavouring. Probably used a low sugar one. Ugh.
I really want a choc ice now.
There's a Top 10 songs for you. Ones that mention choc ices. Or ice creams. No repeating dishes. i.e. no two sundae songs.
I know Kano had a lyric somewhere with Choc Ice in...
All ice cream songs. Failed miserably on choc ices.
Needs to be more specific.
E.g. Cone.
Sundae.
Knickerbocker Glory.
Choc ice.
Solero.
Strawberry split.
I'll need more time for that.
I'm sure Kelis must have a song about licking ice creams...
Just trying to challenge you...
I will accept cone and waffle cone as two separate ones.
Also a tub of ice cream.
Not something like "two scoops" as that doesn't define the sort of ice-cream.
Magic Whip is the worst Blur album. So I'm not going there.
I'd completely forgot that one exists.
If you struggle, I will also accept half of them to be ice lollies, but they must refer to the product itself and not just use the word. I.e. "fab" and "zoom" must refer to the ice lolly Fab and not an adjective and zoom must refer to that bitching ice lolly and not the verb.
Louise hated when I introduced Sam to the Banana Splits.
Love the Banana Splits. When I was about 7 they reran their Saturday morning show on cartoon network. With all the skits and the shows within them.
I can't say I ever got the appeal, beyond the theme song.
I think it's the chaotic nature of them.
Especially when every other presenter was trying to be more cool.
Even at an early age you were rebelling against the system.
I think I've said but I loved the slapstick nature of The Three Stooges, Mr Bean, Tom and Jerry. And this was a set of shows that were presented by these silly creatures. The go kart bit always cracked me up.
If your relationship with Saturday Snapshots is a Love Story - then You Belong With Me.
Martin returned to the game this week and stole a victory from early birds Alyson & Charity Chic, who spent most of their time arguing over how to spell Labi Siffre. Chris remembered Nina Persson's other band, narrowly pipping Brian to the answer, who'd obviously had a very late night on Friday. Was that 1 a.m., Brian? You can still party like the young 'uns!
Lynchie has been missed these last few weeks though. Maybe he's got a Saturday morning paper round?
Shake It Off - it's time for this week's answers...
A boy becomes a man
And in the time he learns to stand
He finds a way to build a wall
To hide behind if he should fall
He grows to be a man
And show the world that he can stand
Not knowing fear
Or even pain while
Underneath when you look deep
A boy remains
Nick is of the opinion that our words are worth no more than worn out tyres. Furthermore, he has something to add about Rick Astley...
Well, do you remember Rick Astley? He had a big fat hit, it was ghastly. He said I'm never gonna give you up or let you down. Well I'm here to tell ya that Dick's a clown. Though he was just a boy when he made that vow, I'd bet it all that he knows by now:
All men are liars...
Dar Williams does a great of this too, but I couldn't find it on youtube.
So what does the godlike genius of Jimmy Webb reckon about men...?
He stinks to high heaven, half covered with hair And grunts just like some old orang-utan While she smells of clean skin and a trace of jasmine And speaks like a first rate librarian
His stomach hangs out, there's a hump on his back He eats like Conan the Barbarian While she keeps herself trim, and her posture is prim Her manners are quite cosmopolitan
He laughs like a donkey and farts in the bed And flips cigarettes in the can But she always acts nice, with no visible vice Tell me, what does a woman see in a man?
And that's just the beginning!
1. Grand Popo FC - Men Are Not Nice Guys
Leave it to those crazy French to sum up the biggest problems with blokes...
Drinks, finks, football and drugs,Business suits and newspapers, arguments, work, cable TV.Laziness, cars, lungs, size... don't you know what girls say sometimes?Men are not nice guys
...although we can probably think of a few bigger ones, if we try.
Then again, nice guys finish last, don't they? And all the good girls love a bad boy. Really, none of us can win...
After last week's Top Ten Songs About American Writers, I thought a list devoted to British wordsmiths would be easy. After all, we invented English Literature... surely Shakespeare, Dickens, Chaucer and Roger Hargreaves must have been name-checked by songwriters aplenty? And if Prince and Ryan Adams can write dirty love songs for Dorothy Parker and Sylvia Plath, surely Tom Jones must have, at some point, fancied getting into Elizabeth Barrett Browning's knickers?
However, while there are plenty of songs inspired by the works of British writers (from Wuthering Heights to all those Rush songs about Middle Earth), it proved much trickier to come up with songs dedicated to the authors themselves. In the end, I had to cheat and include Irish writers as well... for two good reasons. Firstly, the chances of me coming up with a separate Songs About Irish Writers Top Ten were slim to non-existent... and secondly, how could I leave out Oscar? Apologies to any Irish readers who object to being lumped in with us Brits... but you guys helped me out of a hole here.
After beginning my American list with Danielle Steele, it seemed only fair to open this time with her British equivalent. That is, until Radiohead record a song about Jilly Cooper. Go on, Thom, you know you want to...
MBD are one of those frustrating bands whose songs never sound as good as their promising titles. This comes from an album called Like The Exorcist But More Beakdancing which also includes tracks called Flamenco's Fuckin' Easy, Intergalactic Menopause and Holy Lord, Shawshank Redemption Is Such A Good Movie... none of which quite live up to their potential.
Still, I always thought To The Lighthouse was overrated too.
One more reason Warren Zevon deserves a posthumous sainthood (if that's not tautology).
Lord Byron had a lot of luggage He took it when he travelled far and wide He didn't get to bathe very often But he liked to change his clothes all the time
And if that's not good enough for you, check out the bit where he rhymes Henley Regatta with persona non grata. Byron would blush.
You'd think a lyrical philosopher as smart as Burt would have the answers to the woes of the world, yet here he confesses that while ignorance may be the curse of God and knowledge the wing wherewith we fly to heaven... his own words fly up but his thoughts remain below. To paraphrase his muse...
I keep hoping for a better day It's a long time coming, but I wait anyway Life's a miracle or a foolish tale I don't know, go ask Shakespeare
See also... Shakespeare's Got A Gun by Dan Bern in which the Bard gets bent out of shape that a monkey just outside Pittsburgh finally typed out Hamlet... and goes after it with an uzi.
Dexys' 1980 debut single was a fiery statement of intent that name-checks a litany of famous Irish writers in its defiant and rebellious lyrics. But it's got a great Northern Soul beat...
Never heard about, won't think about... Oscar Wilde and Brendan Behan, Sean O'Casey, George Bernard Shaw. Samuel Beckett, Eugene O'Neill, Edna O'Brien and Lawrence Stern. Sean Kavanaugh and Sean McCann, Benedict Keilly, Jimmy Hiney Frank O'Connor and Catherine Rhine.
1. The Smiths - Cemetry Gates
No, Morrissey can't spell cemetery... but that's (one of) the point(s). Mozzer's famous ode to plagiarism has Keats and Yeats on your side, but Wilde - of course - on his. T.S. Eliot apparently said "Mediocre writers borrow. Great writers steal." (echoing Picasso's "Good artists copy. Great artists steal.") and in his early lyrics, Morrissey stole lines from the likes of Shelagh Delaney, Elizabeth Smart, Noël Coward and even Jeffrey Archer (“I was only joking when I said...you should be bludgeoned in your bed.” comes directly from Archer's novel First Among Equals). He even lifted a good chunk of the lyrics for this song from the movie The Man Who Came To Dinner.
Apologies to those of you who were expecting another Smiths song, Shakespeare's Sister, to make the top slot... but I gave that a Number One already.
Finally, I can't let this one go without playing you this excellent tribute to Charles Dickens from "The Smiths"... courtesy of the BBC's Horrible Histories programme. Almost makes me want to give Dickens another go...
A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.
Long before the tantrums and tiaras, the dirge for Diana, the ridiculous megastar pomposity... it's easy to forget that once upon a time, Elton John & Bernie Taupin wrote songs as beautiful as this one.
Not Mad Bob's only visit to Wonderland. He's no doubt got a season ticket.
1. Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small And the ones that mother gives you Don't do anything at all Go ask Alice - when she's 10 feet tall
So those are the tunes that Carroll my Lewis... but which song sends you down the rabbit hole?
