Sadly, this post doesn't represent a return to regular blogging or a resurrection of old features. Things are still tumultuous and may be set to get more so... I'm holding my breath on that one and for the best.
I'm not going to bore you with the ups and downs of my current predicament though, particularly as I know many of you are going through tumults of your own. But I put this tune on a compilation for Sam the other day and the mention of Barnsley leapt out at me.
Barnsley is the town where I work, and has been for the last 8 years. It gets a bad rep, as many northern towns do, but I reckon it's got quite a lot going for it, once you get past the "It's grim up north" cliches. The fact that I hate my job has nothing to do with the town in which I work - indeed, having commuted to Bradford for 20+ years prior to that, I find my 40 minute drive to Barnsley to be a delight... if it wasn't for the rocks rolling round in the pit of my stomach the closer I get to my purgatory. It's certainly a nicer and easier place to get to than Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield or any of the sexier cities round these parts... just one of the factors which makes searching for a new job a bit of a minefield.
Anyway, I can't find any other songs that mention Barnsley, but this one was a favourite of mine back in the late Britpop era and it still stands up pretty well today. I've no idea what these lyrics are about though...
These Renaissance girls know what they're saying There are whispers at night in the halls of paintings You think you're the first one to come untethered But we've been watching you forever
A former student used to tell me (every lesson) that I looked like the lead singer of P!ATD, to the point that he started calling me Brendon. I don't see it myself, but I've been called far worse things.
How many lovers does it take To put a light bulb into a socket? Why did Mona Lisa smile? I have the answer written down in my pocket.
But it's not as creepy as that might sound...
I know why Mona Lisa smiled Da Vinci must have been a really funny guy And laughter is the only way into my heart
1. Elton John - Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters
For all his latter-day sins, early Elton takes some beating...
I could probably have stretched to another ten. The Manics would have got in here had they not thrown acid all over the painting. Which one leaves an enigmatic smile on your face?
If you Don't Like Mondays and often find yourself wondering whether the Russians love their children too, here's the perfect post for you. The Sunday answers to Saturday Snapshots come around Like Clockwork and will leave you feeling like an Englishman in New York... probably.
Good team-work yesterday, folks. I think Lynchie just clinched the win, but Chris, C, Rigid Digit, Alyson all worked well together to solve the rest.
If you've never seen Disney's Cars trilogy, you wouldn't have stood much of a chance with this clue. I, however, have watched Disney's Cars trilogy more than any other film in the last five years... not entirely through choice.
Put on your bright suit Billy, and head for the right side of town next Saturday morning when I'll be Spreading A Little Happiness once again...
(Note to self: don't use a picture with two big stars in it again.)
Things are still pretty hectic at the moment and I'm swamped with trying to decide what my Top Ten Albums of 2016 will be... and writing the posts to accompany them. However, rather than go a week without a Top Ten, I thought I'd plunge into the archives and re-run an old favourite. My Top Ten Self Pity Songs (Volume 1... if I'm still stuck, I'll run Volume 2 next week) originally appeared six years ago in my old blog, Sunset Over Slawit. That was more than just a music blog, but I lost interest in writing about all the other aspects of my life and packed it in just before starting this one. I made the old blog private although many of the posts had by then been stolen and re-posted by a clickbait website on the other side of the world so they may still exist on the internet somewhere (despite reporting the thief to the google police, nothing was ever done about it).
I've edited this re-post slightly because I'm not the same person I was five years ago...
Ironically, it's the complete opposite to the post I would have written this week if I'd had time. I'd planned to follow Swiss Adam's lead and post ten happy, upbeat songs to counteract the tsunami of bad news we've had to face in recent weeks. Turned out I couldn't even manage five...
Isn't self-pity great? I hereby declare it the most ace emotion ever! If
I'm having a bad day, there's nothing guaranteed to cheer me up more than a good long bout of feeling sorry for myself.
You'd think that with all the money and groupies and cocaine and stuff,
your average rock star wouldn't have much time for self-pity, yet they
seem to get off on it almost as much as I do. Although to be fair, most
of the anthems to self-loathing listed below come from early in the
respective artist's career - by singing about how shit they felt, they
made oodles of money and hence stopped feeling so shit about
themselves... and then went on to stop writing such good songs, since
happiness is rarely conducive to artistic greatness.
This is Volume 1 simply because there are so many great self-pity songs,
I really couldn't narrow it down to just ten. I'll throw some more onto
the fire the next time I'm feeling crappy. Do feel free to add your own
suggestions in the comments box...
I really should do a list of suicide anthems. And this really should be
on it. But as it's possibly the best song Richard Thompson Jr.'s ever
written, it deserves its place here too.
If your name was Duff, you might expect your life to follow suit. So,
cheesed off that fate had robbed him by leaving that all-important 'y'
off the end of his name - otherwise he might have been The Man From
Atlantis or Bobby Ewing - Patrick Duff formed Strangelove and channeled
all his negativity into this...
I walk the plastic streets Just like a monkey Just like a geek My scraping knuckles bleed I hear my Mummy crying out He's a freak I live a life alone And all my friends are gone It kind of turns me on I hate them one by one by one I'm a freak
Coming home from the school today Crying all along the way Ain't no way for a boy to be Begging ma to shave me please You little punks think you own this town Well someday someone's gonna bring you down Life ain't pretty for a dog faced boy
E from the Eels has built a career on feeling sorry for himself, understandably so when you consider some of the things that have happened
to him. That said, he's always aware that things could be worse. He
could always have a face like a shaggy mongrel.
Ma won't shave me Jesus can't save me Dog-faced boy!
I don't care, I love this song. It encapsulates how shit it is to be a
teenager, listening to Iron Maiden, unable to get the girl you want
because she's dating a dick. The video features perpetual loser Jason
Biggs trying to cop off with Mena Suvari (from Amy Heckerling's
underrated teen-com Loser). The band followed this supreme ode to
woe with an Erasure cover. But as one-hit wonders go... wow.
When Eric Carmen was young, he never needed anyone. Making love? Making
love was just for fun! Sadly, those days are gone. Now he's living
alone, thinking of all the friends he's known... but when he dials the
telephone... nobody's home.
I've built walls, A fortress deep and mighty, That none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island.
See the genius of Paul Simon here is that, bad as he's feeling, he's
actually convinced himself he's better off that way. There was a time in
my life I lived by the following lines...
I have my books And my poetry to protect me; I am shielded in my armor, Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me.
Listening to this song reminds me how much better off I am now.
For many years, I thought that Beck sang "So - open up the door - I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"
Only when it comes to writing this post do my investigations reveal he's
actually singing "Soy un perdedor", which, according to the internet...
is Spanish for "I'm a loser".
Of course, I could have compiled an entire Self-Pity Top Ten just from
Smiths songs. And I could have made a Top Hundred just from sticking
pins at random in Morrissey's solo catalogue. But none of them would
have been quite as majestically miserable as this. It begins with
Morrissey climbing into an empty bed he equates with a grave... and goes
rapidly downhill from there. He then imagines a relationship with a
potential partner who turns round and says to him these immortal
words...
"If you're so funny Then why are you on your own tonight ? And if you're so clever Then why are you on your own tonight ? If you're so very entertaining Then why are you on your own tonight ? If you're so very good-looking Why do you sleep alone tonight ? I know ... 'Cause tonight is just like any other night That's why you're on your own tonight With your triumphs and your charms While they're in each other's arms..."
Then again, if you've never sat alone late at night and asked yourself these questions... count yourself very, very lucky.
There - that was so much better than a Top Ten Feelgood Songs, wasn't it?
Only Stuart Murdoch could get away with singing...
It's getting cold, I'll catch the bus
I'll see my friend when she's finished working
Get some fish and chips
Lalalala, what's on the box?
'Man about the house' with Paula Wilcox
There was genuine excitement to early Killers songs that's gone awol since they became stadium-filling superstars. This is one of those rare early tracks where you can hear the Johnny Marr influence as much as the Springsteen.
Saw them do this live, though sadly I don't think they've ever released it. It never fails to bring a smile to my face. If you've ever bumped into someone who recognises you but you can't remember them at all... watch the link above.
If not for my rather unorthodox selection below, in any other reality, this would have been Number One. It's written there in blue, with a heart and an arrow through.
1. Stephen Malkmus - Jenny & The Ess-Dog
Probably a surprising choice, but this is my all-time favourite Stephen Malkmus song, including everything he did with Pavement. The lyrics are just so good: like an award-winning short story. The details make it.
They kiss when they listen
To "Brothers In Arms"
And if there's something wrong with this
They don't see the harm
In joining their forces and singing along
Those were my spinning Jennies. Which one is your Eccles cake?
