My Top Ten Songs With Balls

My good friend Rob Wells has just had his first graphic novel published by Little Brown. It tells the uncomfortably hilarious story of his longtime fight with a variety of embarrassing ailments, and his struggle to find a member of the medical profession who would a) take him seriously and b) sort them out. It's a hugely entertaining read for anyone who's ever had an embarrassing illness and anyone who's ever tried in vain to find a sympathetic doctor. Or anyone who enjoys a witty tale about men's bits malfunctioning... and let's face it, who doesn't want to read that? (Squirm.) I'm really excited and pleased for Rob, having watched the project develop over a couple of years, seeing it accepted by a publisher, and finally getting my hands on a printed copy.

Here's the link to the book on Amazon. Other retailers will, I'm sure, be stocking it too.

In tribute, here are ten songs with balls...

10. Isaac Hayes (Chef) - Chocolate Salty Balls

Erm...

You had to be there.

9. W.A.S.P. - Dirty Balls

I'll play this one especially for Rob, since I know he's quite the metalhead. I, of course, couldn't ever approve of such things.

(I'm lying: this is in my record collection.)

8. Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys - Big Balls In Cowtown

Take your partner by the hand...

I said HAND! Jeez...

7. The Broken Family Band - The Booze & The Drugs

From the album Balls. How long you gonna be in the bathroom, baby?

6. AC/DC - Big Balls

See also She's Got Balls and Got You By The Balls. Notice any pattern here?

Will Oldham does a pretty cool tribute to all this nonsense too.

5. Love - Coloured Balls Falling

The shortest song on Love's eponymous debut album (but only one of them scraped past 3 minutes). As with most Arthur Lee songs, I have no idea what it's about. I suspect chemical assistance might be required...

I suspect this song might have also given its name to 70s Aussie rockers The Coloured Balls, but the interweb appears unable to confirm that for me.  

4. Elizabeth Cook - Sometimes It Takes Balls To Be A Woman

Feminist country anthem. Dolly and Tammy would be proud.

3. Pulp - Can I Have My Balls Back, Please?

Poor old Jarvis. How can he be a man now...?

So I went to New York City to see a doctor thinking maybe that he..
Would understand the state I was in.
He said: "I'd dearly love to help you son,
but you see the same thing's happened to me."
So now I'm home and I'm asking you just once more.
Please.
Oh can I have my balls back, please?
Can I have my balls back, please?
How am I gonna get through my life if you don't return them to me?

2. Amy Rigby - Balls

It appears that Amy Rigby can't help falling for bad boys. (Wonder if that's why she ended up with Wreckless Eric.)

You've got a lot of nerve to be calling here
But I love your nerve
You've got a lot of gall, you don't even care
About me at all
You've got a lot of balls, you don't even care
Wish I could grow a pair...

1. Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls Of Fire

60 years old. Still as fresh and powerful as it ever was. Anyone who says the piano isn't a rock instrument hasn't ever listened to The Killer.




Next week: My Top Ten Enema Songs.

Or maybe not...

My Top Ten Honest Songs

I can honestly say these are the most honest songs in my record collection...



10. The Aliens - Honest Again

The Aliens were the brainchild of Lone Pigeon: former Beta Band member and brother of King Creosote Gordon Anderson. This is from their 2007 debut album, Astronomy For Dogs, and it sounds, as far as I can tell, like ELO if Jeff Lynne hadn't spent ALL his childhood listening to the Beatles.

9. The Innocents - Honest I Do

Debut 1960 hit from this short-lived American harmony group. Lovely stuff, stumbled across on a dusty old compilation.

8. Lace Curtains - Bedroom Honesty

Obscure American indie - no idea where I came across this one, but it's a cool little infidelity song.

Teeth mark bruise on your arm
That's what he gave you
No chocolates in a heart
Just the same old screw
When you take off your clothes
And realize you have no more secrets
I hope it's a surprise
That this is as intimate as it gets

7. John Mellencamp - Hard Times For An Honest

Two weeks running for Johnny Cougar , and rarely does his live up to his reputation as a Midwest-Dickens than in this 1987 album track... it could almost be his theme song.

6. The Streets - Can't Con An Honest Joe

Sounding, as he does, very much like a Guy Ritchie creation, Mike Skinner really ought to get on my nerves. But I love his Arfur-Daley-meets-Eminem routine and I wish he hadn't packed it in.

It's all one big con.

5. The Broken Family Band - Honest Man's Blues

Classic from the Welcome Home, Loser album of 2005

If you work in a whorehouse you're gonna get fucked
If you sleep in a river you're gonna get ducked
If you count all your chickens you'll die like a dog
And if you lie to me again I'll take you closer to God

While I'd given up on hearing anything new from this excellent band after they split in 2009, I was overjoyed to discover that lead singer / songwriter Steven James Adams has released two solo albums - his latest came out just last week and is now on my ever-expanding wishlist. 

4. Billy Joel - Honesty

Every time I post a Billy Joel song, I find myself wondering why he quit. (That's become something of a recurring theme in this post, hasn't it?) As a teenager, he was one of my absolute favourite pop stars - look, if you came here muso-cred, move along now. But it's been 23 years since he released any new material (though he continues to tour) and I've never heard an explanation as to why - particularly when many of his contemporaries (Bruce, Jackson Browne, James Taylor) press ever onwards. I keep hoping for an honest revelation from the man himself - but he even turned down an offer for his autobiography and gave the publishers back their $3m advance.

Honesty is such a lonely word. 
Everyone is so untrue. 
Honesty is hardly ever heard. 
And mostly what I need from you.

Apparently Beyonce covered this. But I'm not hip so I wouldn't know.

3. The Wedding Present - Be Honest

There's something going on with youtube at the moment where a lot of the tracks I try to link to aren't working, so I'm having to link to sub-standard live versions instead. Which is a crying shame in the case of Be Honest, because the false start on the Bizarro version is classic. 

2. Dawes - To Be Completely Honest

So I was talking to my good friend and fellow muso Steve (not that one) Miller the other day and I happened to mention two artists I'd been digging lately were The Front Bottoms and Dawes. I went on to point out that my only problem with Dawes was their name - I even said something like "it has to be the stupidest name for a band ever (unless they were actually a Doors tribute band, in which case it'd be quite cool)". I went on to hammer my point home by saying that it was as bad as calling yourself Hoo or Smiffs or... I dunno, Ryan Adams.

Steve pointed out one slight flaw in my argument: "It's still a better name than The Front Bottoms".

Anyway, Dawes. Despite the name, I'm digging their latest album, All Your Favourite Bands, a lot. Kind of like The Eagles if they'd got Mark Knopfler in to play guitar. Which, I know, you're probably thinking sounds like a terrible idea. But it works for me.

Sadly, there's only a live version of To Be Completely Honest available on youtube, and it doesn't really do the song justice. Plus, it's nowhere near the best track on the album. But. Y'know. Still #2.

1. Sam Cooke - You Send Me

Honest you do,
Honest you do,
Honest you do.

I thought about not giving this the Number One because it doesn't have the h-word in the title, but honestly? It's as close to perfection as you can get and not be dreaming.





Can you honestly think of any others...?

My Top Ten Come Home Songs

When I started doing these Top Tens on the old blog... probably about seven or eight years ago now... they were mostly full of indie bands. That's rarely the case these days, but every now and then a topic seems to bring them out of the woods. 

Here's ten songs asking / telling you to 'Come Home!' Next week, a reply post - ten 'I'm Coming Home!' songs. (So save those for then.)

Special mention to Darlene Love's Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) which would have made the Top Three if I allowed Christmas songs in March...



10. The Coral - Come Home

I generally like the idea of The Coral better than the reality. Space did the wacky Scousers routine a bit better in my humble opinion.

9. Ryan Adams & The Cardinals - When Will You Come Back Home?

Wonder if people still annoy him by putting a B on the front of his name? Surely he's been in the go long enough now to leave that behind.

8. The Rakes - Leave The City And Come Home

A night out in London makes the Rakes want to go home. Amusing lyrics on this one. 

In the bar your mates spot a celebrity
But you're not fussed by the gay guy off CBBC
Limos ferry hen-nights to the West End
The night is dragging it's heels to the end
Now he's in your face
"Got any drugs on you mate?"
You get out for some peace
Still get home by half 3 (leave the city and come home)

7. The Broken Family Band - Come On Home

 A much missed band; this one comes from their album Balls. 'Nuff said.

6. Placebo - Come Home

The opening track on Placebo's debut, back in the grand old days of 1996. Brian Molko described this one as "pop punk for postponed suicides". But he always was a bit of a one.

5. Franz Ferdinand - Come On Home

Also from a debut album: arguably still their best. (None of the others namedrop Terry Wogan.)

4. The Charlatans - Come Home, Baby

Very cool song from the highly acclaimed new LP from The Charlatans (which I have out on loan from the local library at the moment - and yes, it's pretty cool)... though I don't think Tim Burgess has looked like he does in this video for a LONG time now. 

3. The Divine Comedy - Come Home Billy Bird

A typically quirky story single about an international business traveller (with a pigeon head in the video) who wakes up after a wild night of debauchery and has to make it home in time for his son's big football game. Only Neil Hannon could have written this one.

2. Fine Young Cannibals - Johnny Come Home

Though they only ever released two albums, Roland Gift's Fine Young Cannibals are fondly remembered round these parts. Mixing jangly guitars and a nice bit of brass with Gift's soul singer tonsils, they made some of the most distinctive pop songs of the 80s. This was their debut single from 1985, the year Marty McFly first travelled back in time.   

1. James - Come Home

After 8 years knocking around the indie charts, James finally started to bother the real Top 40 in 1990. It was a dark time for decent music and James offered everything we needed in a pop band - big hooks, heartfelt choruses and a bonkers frontman. Come Home equalled its predecessor, How Was It For You, making Number 32 with a bullet... but it was a start, and not soon after Sit Down broke them into the Top Ten. Come Home is probably a better song though, with its wailing sirens, impassioned pleading and Tim Booth waving a big stick around in the desert-set video. And it still sounds fresh 25 years later...




Which one makes you want to come home?

My Top Ten Alone... Songs

There are hundreds of great songs about being alone. So I had to narrow down the running.

Here's ten that begin with the word 'Alone'... do play by the rules now.



10. The Strokes - Alone, Together

The Strokes are OK. I still kinda prefer their dad. (See last week's Top Ten.)

9. The Morning After Girls - Alone

One of the reasons I do this blog is because it forces me to listen to songs that exist in my record collection that I've never listened to before. This was ripped from one of those free magazine CDs a few years back... and it's pretty cool.

8. The Bee Gees - Alone

Because we don't get enough Bee Gees round these parts.

7. Spearmint - Alone In A Town

According to google, this song does not exist. Which is a crying shame because it's a tragic story of Shirley Lee's loneliest student Christmas. Track it down and share his misery.

6. King - Alone Without You

Do not watch the video. Remember this song without sullying your eyeballs with the worst excesses of 80s pop nonsense. No wonder Paul King ended up working for MTV.

Na-na Na nana 
Nana Naa Na na nana!

5. The Beautiful South - Alone

Half an hour is seven hours
One day is several months... alone.

Heato at his most heartbreaking.

He knows 'hello' in 18 languages
'I love you' in only one
By the time he's got his phrasebook
His chance is usually gone

4. The Broken Family Band - Alone In The Make-Out Room

A song about being feeling terribly alone in a "happy" relationship... gone very bad.

I wanna watch you drown in a lake
Or get stamped by a bull or bit by a snake
And there is not a single doctor who will come and help you

I want you to move to Australia
With me a success and you facing failure
And all of the friends you had ignoring your calls

3. Heart - Alone

All I need is to hear the opening line and suddenly I'm 15 again and no one will ever love me...

2. Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again, Naturally

First Gilbert gets dumped at the altar, then his mum and dad pop their clogs. No wonder he wants to top himself...

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
We may as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

Pure suicide anthem joy. No wonder Morrissey was a fan.

1. Love - Alone Again, Or

One of the greatest songs of the sixties, just mesmerising. Love that Spanish guitar.

Pretty damned fine 80s cover by The Damned too. (Although the video features possibly the worst moustache ever seen in show business.)




Please don't leave me all alone without a comment...

My Top Ten Jumping Songs

10. Broken Family Band - Leaps

I think this might be about energetic, acrobatic sex. I might be wrong. I usually am when it comes to that kind of thing.

9. Jethro Tull - Jump Start

Almost made my Top Ten Start Songs... then I decided to save it for here.

8. Whistler - Don't Jump In Front Of My Train

We both know you're not insane
So don't jump in front of my train

7. Joe Jackson - Jumpin' Jive

Jazz... nice. Not listened to this in years.

6. The Cure - Jumping Someone Else's Train

Don't say what you mean
You might spoil your face...

...is a wonderfully catty way to start a song.

5. Malcolm McLaren & The Bootzilla Orchestra featuring Lisa Marie - Something's Jumping In Your Shirt

Malcolm McClaren sounds like The Child Catcher on this. And most other times he opens his mouth too.

4. House of Pain - Jump Around

This song is now 20 years old. Yes, you are that old.

3. Van Halen - Jump

Hands up if you thought this would be Number One?

I could watch David Lee Roth muck about in music videos all day and never grow bored.

However, if you're too cool for poodle rock, may I direct you to Aztec Camera's reworking of this track as a suicide ballad... you might as well jump.

2. Billy Bragg - Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards

Mixing pop and politics
He asks me what the use is...
I offer him embarrassment
And my usual excuses

I almost gave Billy the Number One spot because this is one of his greatest ever songs... but then I listened to the track below again, and damn it, even the Bard of Barking couldn't argue this one...

1. The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash

It's a gas, gas, gas!

Which jumping song gets you jumping round the room?