Another conversation starter culled from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions... and some songs I loosely linked to it.
18. Which celebrity would you like to stroke your hair as you die?
I think my go-to answer for this would usually be Kate Winslet. She has long been my celebrity crush, and the older she gets, the more I respect her attitudes to celebrity and being herself on screen.
To be honest though, I'm not sure I'd want Kate - or any other celebrity, for that matter - running her fingers through my hair. Especially if I was on my death bed. I mean, it's a bit late now, isn't it, love?
Maybe it'd be better to choose a celebrity who can calm me down in my final moments, rather than getting my heart rate up or leaving me feeling frustrated over lost opportunities.
So I did a quick google search on "Who is the most caring celebrity?" and the answers the AI generated included...
Oprah Winfrey
Dolly Parton
Beyoncé
Keanu Reeves
And do you know what? Of those guys, I think I'd choose Keanu. I feel like he'd be the one most likely to make me feel zen about my last moments on earth.
The biggest problem I have with this question is that I don't really like anybody touching my hair. Not because I'm precious about how it looks (I couldn't give a monkeys)... it's just: PERSONAL SPACE, DUDE! Still, I'm sure Keanu would respect that...
Following on from this weekend's Snapshots, featuring songs named after famous actors, I had something of an overspill... so here are some of the runners up.
Watching the sky for a sign The FBI is on my mind I'm waiting for the day When my lucky stars align In the form of... David Duchovny floating above me In the alien light of the spaceship of love
I want seven screaming virgins on a sacrificial altar Hell and God, screeching doors, zombies, aaaaah! It feels so good to be afraid Vincent Price is back again
Oh, the great sequin cowboy who sings of the plains
Of roundups and rustlers and home on the range
Turn on the TV, shut out the lights
Roy Rogers is riding tonight
And my personal favourite...
I want to be your hero,
Kurt Russell, Eastwood and me
There's no doubt plenty more where they came from, but that's enough actors for today. Drop me a comment if I've missed one of your favourites and I might do a follow up post... but remember, we're leaving the ladies for another day.
I've never run guest posts on this blog before - in fact, I've actively resisted them in the past, preferring to keep this place as my own personal record.
So why change that now?
Well, sometimes the opportunities present themselves and they're too good to resist. Which is why I already have three weeks' worth of Guest Posts, all because of a couple of half-joking comments I left here and elsewhere.
Our first guest poster is JC, The Vinyl Villain. Now I've guested over a JC's place on a number of occasions, being a semi-regular contributor to his Imaginary Compilation Album series. But I never for the life of me expected him to return the favour. So you can imagine how shocked and awed I was when the post below landed in my in-box as the result of a flippant bon mot I left him last week.
I've been blogging for coming up on 14 years now. My Top Ten started in 2012, but prior to that my original blog, Sunset Over Slawit, had been running for almost six years until I packed it in. When I started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing. Sunset Over Slawit wasn't a music blog - it was all over the place, so I was rather surprised when I ended up with readers from elsewhere in the blogosphere (rather than people I'd known beforehand and invited to drop in). One of the first "professional" bloggers who began to leave comments was JC, and it was probably his original Vinyl Villain blog which steered my own blogging increasingly towards talking about music... and, I guess, led me to carry on with My Top Ten once I'd packed in all the other aspects of blogging that were beginning to bore me.
So it's a great honour that he would find the time to write me a Top Ten (the irony being that I rarely get time to write those things myself these days, and that was the very raison d'etre of this blog in the first place!) Take it away, JC...
THE VINYL VILLAIN'S TOP TEN HAIRCUT SONGS
I've been long amazed at Rol's ability to come up with these lists, especially now that I've got the task currently of compiling a list of 5 songs for a column called 'Music for Our Times' which appears in a digital version of a weekly publication by my favourite football team, Raith Rovers. The publication is designed to keep our small but dedicated fanbase informed of developments at the club during the extended lockdown - my column tries to bring a bit of fun and is related to the fact that I'm the matchday announcer at the club, responsible for selecting and playing the pre-match and half-time tunes.
A couple of weeks back I mentioned that a quick glance across any form of social media will demonstrate that the burning issue of the day for many a person is hair. Barbers and hairdressers have been closed since the lockdown began. Blokes have two options - letting their hair get to a length not seen since the 70s glam rock era or taking the risk of asking a household member to run riot with a set of clippers. I've taken the first option, to the extent that I now look as if I'm an extra in Starsky & Hutch - and with the fashion sense to match.
If anything, it's even worse for women given that a regular trip to the salon tends to form an essential part of social engagement with a friend or confidante, as well as the opportunity to change the natural colour of their hair. Mathematicians are still trying to come up with an accurate formula for doing the calculation, but the number of blondes in the UK over the past two and bit months has dropped by at least 66%.
I offered up five suitable songs, which I'm now doubling in size in the hope it's of use to Rol.
The first line of the chorus of a single by Goldblade, a punk band from Manchester. Lead singer John Robb's hairstyle of choice over the past three decades has been the mohican. He still wears it well, even at the age of 59. Worth also mentioning that the two remixes on the CD single come courtesy of Black Box Recorder, with Sarah Nixey's sultry delivery of 'Why Don't You Rub It In My Face' being every bit as filthy as it sounds.
Nope, I have no idea what the meaning is of the opening lines of this typically bonkers number by the Cardiff-based indie-rockers. But that won't stop me dedicating it to female fans of the Fife Flyers (the ice-hockey team who are based in the town of Kirkcaldy, which is also where Raith Rovers FC are based - a lot of folk in the town follow the fortunes of both sides).
The Goon Sax are one of the most wonderful indie-pop acts to emerge in recent years. The trio's debut album, Up to Anything, was full of great, quirky and memorable tunes that were accompanied by lyrics which focussed on the most important songs facing the modern-era teenager such as the shame of being on the wrong end of a bad haircut. It must be the only song in existence which manages to namecheck Shane Warne, Roger McGuinn and Edwyn Collins, all of whose haircuts are much desired.
"I whip my hair back and forth" (repeat about a thousand times)
Bit of a cheat this one as it's nothing to do with haircuts as such. This #2 smash hit single by Willow Smith back in 2010 is an anthem celebrating being young and carefree, which is kind of impossible to be just now under the lockdown restrictions. All my articles for the club publication really have to include at least one song that folk will have heard of!
The on-line urban dictionary states that a devil's haircut can be anything that makes someone feel bad, depressed, stressed out, or indeed any sort of mental or physical anguish. As such, COVID-19 = a devil's haircut.
One of the joys of going to an old fashioned barbershop is the likelihood of some old music/sport/lifestyle magazines lying around that you can read while waiting your turn to be shorn. If you happened to come across the NME from 3 May 2007, you would find that this song was listed as Number 28 in a list of the 50 Greatest Indie Anthems Ever.
OK, it's not technically about a haircut, but I'm guessing that Shawn Ryder's dad, who was the subject matter of the lyric, had got himself a very dodgy perm in the mid-late 70s. Have a look at a photograph of the Scotland World Cup squad of 1978 for an illustration - it was very briefly the fashion and it looked ridiculous.
Number six on the top and don't cut it wack, Jack"
The b-side to the vinyl release of the single Sure Shot back in 1994 but later included on the bonus disc of Ill Communication when it was reissued in 2009. It's not a hip-hop or rap number, instead harking back to the hardcore, superfast and noisy stuff that the Beastie Boys were doing when they first formed.
The re-opening of salons still seems to be a few weeks away. This one goes out to everyone, male or female, who is suffering and possibly even going into hiding for fear of anyone seeing that the colour on top of their head is not natural.
This closed off the original article in the football publication and I dedicated it Ian Davidson, who it could be said is a cut-price version of the famous basketball player, Dennis Rodman, in that throughout his career he has taken to the field with all sorts of strange haircuts and colourings, never caring one ounce what stick he would take from his teammates, opponents or fans on the terraces and in the stands. Indeed, he seemed to encourage it...
So, there you have it. Ten songs associated with haircuts. And, just in case you were wondering, a handful of tunes by Scissors Sisters narrowly missed the cut for inclusion.
Without gushing any further, I'll just say thank you to JC for providing this blog with its first ever guest post. And if you enjoyed that, you'll be glad to know he'll be back in two weeks' time with ANOTHER top ten. Truly I am blessed. Here's one that would have fit quite nicely in the list above... Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin' But that's not all, because next week we have ANOTHER guest contributor. I'll keep their identity as a surprise for now, but regular readers will be very familiar with my attempts to get this particular contributor to join the blogging world. In the meantime, as I seem to have cracked open this particular Pandora's Box... if anyone else fancies trying their hand at a Top Ten... or a Mid-Life Crisis post... or any of the other long-running features this blog squanders so jubilantly... well, you know where I am. The door is now open...
Welcome back. You know the drill. Songs with 22 in it. Remember that the Lime Green Rule now applies. Titles only, no more lyrical mentions. Unless I really, really like them.
Martin was first up this week, with a right old list...
No, you should have stopped before you got to Sting. As should Shaggy.
Hang on, though, here's Rigid Digit to second your suggestion - with added info...
...the second song of the "Charlotte Saga" (Charlotte The Harlot / 22 Acacia Avenue / Hooks In You / From Here To Eternity). The first two are Charlotte songs, the last two are a bit tenuous but still considered part of the ongoing story.
Fair enough. If we're going metal this week... here's my contribution.
But the real pick of the lot would be my Can-Con contribution ("Canadian Content", for those outside my home country, a term coined decades ago by government regulators of our airwaves to protect our ears from over-Americanization). How about the obscure and experimental b-side by Martha and the Muffins called "22 in Cincinnati"? Very moody, that one.
That's just weird. Is that a purring cat in the middle? (Amazingly Jim in Dubai seconded that rather obscure choice.) Still, we like weird here. That's why we keep The Swede around. Here he is with this week's even weirder selections...
'Room Twenty Two', a dubwise selection from the marvellous 'Black Market Meets Mired & Wise Owl in the Twilight Zone'.
Oh, and if we're getting lax about the Lime Green Rule now, what about the iconic opening lines of Billy Bragg's "A New England". A Classic, that one, though I suspect Billy's a bit older than 22 now.
It's worth pointing out that Billy Bragg is the easy way round most rules and regulations, lime green or otherwise.
The irony, of course, is that as of last week, we do have a new England (and Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland). Sadly, not the one Billy wanted though.
Of course, if we're playing that, we also have to play this...
Younger Younger 28's were a fine choice to illustrate this week's post. Imagine The Human League Meets Pulp Meets Shampoo. Thanks to Jim in Dubai for recalling them and suggesting their excellent b-side Karaoke Queen (linking to another blog for that one as I couldn't find it on youtube). I was always fond of We're Going Out as well. They should have been massive.
I've a feeling you may have suggested that 30 posts ago too.
Meanwhile, last week we had Lloyd Cole fretting over getting ready to turn 30. Martin also reminded us of this, which could well pop up again in 5 posts' time...
"And my personal favourite (even if it is atypical), from the pen of Ray Davies, Low Budget by The Kinks, which has this:
Even my trousers are giving me pain,
They were reduced in a sale so I shouldn't complain.
They squeeze me so tight so I can't take no more,
They're size 28 but I take 34."
Do you know what? I'm not sure I've ever heard that before. And if you hadn't told me it was the Kinks, I might have thought it was AC/DC. It's great though!
The Swede found slim pickings in his own record collection this week. His only offering was a bit of a surprise too...
"'Never Be the Same Again' by Puressence features the lines '...you're feeling lots of pain again, December 28 again, your famous boxing day again...' December 28th? Boxing Day? What's that all about? Great song though."
"Other than that," he adds, "I need to invoke the "50 Words For Snow" card again...
28: Robbers Veil
Yes, you can always rely on Kate Bush for redemption.
Meanwhile, Alyson was in an existential mood this week...
"Alicia Keys has a song called 28 Thousand Days which is apparently the average lifespan so we should pack as much in as we can. Scarily I've had nearly 22,000 days already so I'd better get a wiggle on."
Don't worry, Alyson, you don't look a day over 21,999.
"'22 Grand Job' by the Rakes, love that song and it's pure energy, and before it comes up again in 6 weeks' time for obvious reasons it could get a little preview here for the line
But he's only 28, no more 22
Shorter post than usual this week because Douglas was on holiday. Let's scrape the bottom of my barrel before we get onto the serious contenders...
When I started doing these Top Tens on the old blog... probably about seven or eight years ago now... they were mostly full of indie bands. That's rarely the case these days, but every now and then a topic seems to bring them out of the woods.
Here's ten songs asking / telling you to 'Come Home!' Next week, a reply post - ten 'I'm Coming Home!' songs. (So save those for then.)
Special mention to Darlene Love's Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) which would have made the Top Three if I allowed Christmas songs in March...
A night out in London makes the Rakes want to go home. Amusing lyrics on this one.
In the bar your mates spot a celebrity
But you're not fussed by the gay guy off CBBC
Limos ferry hen-nights to the West End
The night is dragging it's heels to the end
Now he's in your face
"Got any drugs on you mate?"
You get out for some peace
Still get home by half 3 (leave the city and come home)
The opening track on Placebo's debut, back in the grand old days of 1996. Brian Molko described this one as "pop punk for postponed suicides". But he always was a bit of a one.
Very cool song from the highly acclaimed new LP from The Charlatans (which I have out on loan from the local library at the moment - and yes, it's pretty cool)... though I don't think Tim Burgess has looked like he does in this video for a LONG time now.
A typically quirky story single about an international business traveller (with a pigeon head in the video) who wakes up after a wild night of debauchery and has to make it home in time for his son's big football game. Only Neil Hannon could have written this one.
Though they only ever released two albums, Roland Gift's Fine Young Cannibals are fondly remembered round these parts. Mixing jangly guitars and a nice bit of brass with Gift's soul singer tonsils, they made some of the most distinctive pop songs of the 80s. This was their debut single from 1985, the year Marty McFly first travelled back in time.
1. James - Come Home
After 8 years knocking around the indie charts, James finally started to bother the real Top 40 in 1990. It was a dark time for decent music and James offered everything we needed in a pop band - big hooks, heartfelt choruses and a bonkers frontman. Come Home equalled its predecessor, How Was It For You, making Number 32 with a bullet... but it was a start, and not soon after Sit Down broke them into the Top Ten. Come Home is probably a better song though, with its wailing sirens, impassioned pleading and Tim Booth waving a big stick around in the desert-set video. And it still sounds fresh 25 years later...
