My Top Ten 'Shut Up!' Songs

10. Chas & Dave - Rabbit

Because I promised / threatened Dick Van Dyke.

One thing I never got about this song... when was the last time you saw rabbit in Sainsbury's?

9. The Coasters - Yakety Yak

Clive Anderson, all is forgiven.

8. Transvision Vamp - Tell That Girl To Shut Up

Look, I know you were expecting Shut Up by Madness, but I just didn't have room for it. Call it #11. If you're wondering how this made the chart when that didn't, the simple answer is... I never fancied Suggs when I was 16.

7. Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation

No need for the JXL version here when the original has a video (from the movie Live A Little, Love A Little) as groovy as this.

6. Talk Talk - Talk Talk

One day I might compile a list of songs named after the bands that sing them. Will this be Number One... or Living In A Box?

All you do to me is talk talk

5. Squeeze - Trust Me To Open My Mouth

I need a gobstopper to keep my trap shut
Should have kept my nose clean
Why's it me that gets the bad luck?

4. Deep Purple - Hush

Written by Joe 'Games People Play' South and originally recorded by Billy Joe Royal (no, me neither). You may be more familiar with the Kula Shaker version. I won't hold that against you.

3. The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again

The next time Morrissey says something designed to get the collective knickers in a twist, everyone should consider one of his most honest lyrical declarations...

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I'd like to smash every tooth
In your head

Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed

Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place
With the Human race

2. Elvis Costello - Mouth Almighty

One of my favourite Costello songs from his best album, Punch The Clock.

This town belongs to you and your tricks of confidence
All the pavements for miles around are littered with your footprints
Now every girl I get close to seems to be wearing your perfume
And the clock strikes the letters of your name
Both midnight and noon

I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty...

1. Julian Cope - World, Shut Your Mouth

It may be flying in the face of fashion... but, beat this!



These are the songs I sing when I want someone to pipe down. Which one are you singing back at me right now?

My Top Ten ...In Wonderland Songs

Last post, we dealt with Songs About Alice... here's the obvious sequel.


10. James - Rabbit Hole

In which Tim Booth is late, always late.

9. Ash - Return Of The White Rabbit

Man, those are some chunky, funky guitars.

8. Milburn - Cheshire Cat Smile

They're not from Milburn, they're from Sheffield. Which probably explains why they sound so much like the Arctic Monkeys.

7. Julian Cope - Mock Turtle

And if you're a fan of Mock Turtles, I'm sure U Dig this.

6. The Beatles - I Am The Walrus

A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.

5. Dave Edmunds - Queen Of Hearts

The joker ain't the only fool who'll do anything for you

4. XTC - Wonderland

Or, if you prefer, same title: different song from Big Country.

3. Elton John - Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

Long before the tantrums and tiaras, the dirge for Diana, the ridiculous megastar pomposity... it's easy to forget that once upon a time, Elton John & Bernie Taupin wrote songs as beautiful as this one.

2. The Cure - Caterpillar

Not Mad Bob's only visit to Wonderland. He's no doubt got a season ticket.

1. Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice - when she's 10 feet tall

So those are the tunes that Carroll my Lewis... but which song sends you down the rabbit hole?

My Top Ten Alice... Songs

I was planning a Top Ten Alice In Wonderland Songs, but there were so many good tracks, I had to split them into two lists. Today then, Songs With Alice In The Title (not all of them the Wonderland girl, but most of them touched by her in one way or another). Next post... Wonderland (and its inhabitants).


10. Cocteau Twins - Alice

I should be a bigger Cocteau Twins fan than I am. They made some beautiful music in their time.

9. Smokie - Living Next Door To Alice

This might have made it higher up the chart, were it not for the 1995 remake featuring Roy 'Chubbie' Brown. Serious points deducted for that.

8. Sleeper - Alice In Vain

Alice in the playground
She ain’t got a boyfriend
Oh oh that’s a pity
She’s not even pretty
Alice hears them whisper
They smile when they see her
Oh, oh she’ll discover
Girls don’t hurt each other

7. The Sisters of Mercy - Alice

Alice in her party dress
She thanks you kindly
So serene
She needs you like she needs her tranqs

Sounding like a goth Bowie on this song, the mighty Andrew Eldritch. Where is he now? Still in the go, apparently. But with much shorter hair.

6. Alice Cooper - Hard Hearted Alice

Of course, Alice Cooper has made far better records, both as a band and as a solo artist. But this is the only one I could find with Alice in the title, so check it out. It's the mellow side of Coops... surprisingly sweet.

5. Ben Folds Five - Alice Childress

After many years as a solo artist, Ben has reformed the Ben Folds Five (all three of them) for a tour later this year. Not sure I can afford tickets, but it'd be great to see the band back together playing songs like this again.

4. Grinderman - Electric Alice

Don't the stars look good tonight
Thought Electric Alice
In the pale moonlight

From Nick Cave... to Stevie Nicks...

3. Stevie Nicks - Alice

Like Alice through the Looking Glass...
She used to know who she was

2. Terrorvision - Alice, What's The Matter?

Keighley's finest. Not that there's a whole lot of competition for that title.

1. Tom Waits - Alice

Written with Kathleen Brennan, Waits' dreamy song is dedicated to Alice Liddell, the girl who inspired Lewis Carroll to write Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.



Back soon with my 'In Wonderland' Top Ten... meanwhile, which song with Alice in the title sends you to Wonderland?

My Top Ten Robot Songs

10. Arling & Cameron - Dirty Robot

Covered by The Lemonheads featuring Kate Moss, which might have worked... had it come without the "featuring Kate Moss" bit.

9. The Aliens - Robot Man

The artists formerly known as The Beta Band with their anthem to robot dancing.

8. Go Kart Mozart - I Talk With Robot Voice

Lawrence (of Felt & Denim fame) returned earlier this year with a new album from his third band, including this wonderful hymn to alienation which has him bemoaning his uselessness at humanoid relationships before guiltily confessing: "Yet I admit I'm still susceptible to vaginas." When was the last time Gary Barlow wrote a lyric like that?

7. Guided By Voices - Tropical Robots

It's only 52 seconds long, but it's still quite lovely.

6. Kraftwerk - The Robots

The track which inspired this...

5. Daft Punk - Robot Rock,

...which in turn inspired this...

4. Flight Of The Conchords - Robots

Finally, robotic beings rule the world! The humans are dead...

Binary solo - 000000100001110000111000111111100001010!

3. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots

Those evil-natured robots
they're programmed to destroy us
she's gotta be strong to fight them
so she's taking lots of vitamins

2. Robyn - Fembot

Once you gone tech you ain't never going back

Robyn's got robots on the brain. See also Robotboy and The Girl And The Robot (featuring Röyksopp).

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I remember when this was released, the record company promoted it as Radiohead's answer to Bohemian Rhapsody. I still think that comparison holds true. Like Bo Rap, there's far more going on here than one song can usually hold... and yet, it works.

Back in my Championship Hearts playing days, I went by the moniker 'Marvin': the original Paranoid Android. Life - don't talk to me about life...



Those were the songs that get me robot-dancing... which one gives you a binary solo?

My Top Ten Lion Songs

10. Baddiel & Skinner & The Lightning Seeds - Three Lions

I like the Lightning Seeds. I like David Baddiel (though I always preferred Rob Newman). I even like Frank Skinner.

Football, though? Pfff.

9. PAPA - I Am The Lion King

It was this, or Circle Of Life. Hakuna matata, baby.

8. Lloyd Cole - To The Lions

Lloyd loses his job, his girl and his dignity (to a mean bartender) all in the same week.

You could send me to the lions tonight

7. First Aid Kit - The Lion's Roar

Great new band from Sweden, though if you close your eyes you'd think they were from the backwoods of the USA alongside Fleet Foxes and Bon Iver.

And the lion's roar, the lion's roar
Is something that I have heard before
A children's tale, the lonesome wail of a lion's roar

6. The Tokens - The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Of course, you may prefer the Tight Fit version.

Or even the R.E.M. one. (That's my favourite.)

5. Kate Bush - Oh England, My Lionheart

Sadly, those rumours of Kate performing live for the first time in 30+ years at the Olympics closing ceremony proved to be just that. Then again, considering the standard of the performances that night, it was probably for the best.

Oh! England, my Lionheart!
Peter Pan steals the kids in Kensington Park.
You read me Shakespeare on the rolling Thames
That old river poet that never, ever ends.
Our thumping hearts hold the ravens in
And keep the tower from tumbling.

4. Dry The River - Lion's Den

One of my favourite new bands of 2012. They're a little bit Elbow, but if you're going to wear your influences on your sleeve there are far worse...

This song is about a lonely tax collector who finds love. It sounds far sweeter than that description would have you believe.

3. Bob Marley & The Wailers - Iron Lion Zion

I'm on the run but I ain't got no gun

2. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man

The first Mumford song I ever heard and still my favourite. Not just for the wonderfully sweary chorus. It's become very fashionable of late to hate on the Mumfs, as usually happens when a band makes it big. Whatever their second album brings, I'll always love this song.

1. Billy Bragg - Life With The Lions

If "I hate the arsehole I become every time I'm with you" isn't one of the greatest opening lines ever, I don't know what is.



Many Lion Songs were left to slumber in the savannah sunshine during the compilation of this Top Ten. Did I exclude one of your favourites?