Saturday Snapshots #88 - The Answers

Look, I'm on holiday and I can't think of any Cheryl Cole songs off the top of my head, so you'll have to make up your own puns today. Likewise I have no idea who won this week as I'm writing this on Thursday night. I'm sure whoever got up first did very well indeed. Thank you all for playing... unless nobody did this week, in which case: yah boo sucks.

Brief answers / explanations follow...


10. R.E.M. slows down and shouts like crazy.

REM is Rapid Eye Movement. Slow it down and it becomes SEM... add a shouted bellow.

Michael Sembello - Maniac

9. Pricey parson? No. You've got a long way to go for a Guinness & Champagne.

Alan Price + Alan Parsons... Nah.

Travel miles for a Guinness & Champagne... or a Black Velvet.

Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

8. Kennedy, Lincoln, Obama... and Cream.

They were all Presidents of the United States of America. D'oh.

Peaches & cream.

Presidents of the United States of America - Peaches

7. Flyswatter or scum?

A zapper is a way of killing flies.

Frank Zappa - I'm The Slime

6. Benn, please: umbrella needed!

"Benn, please" was an anagram.

Ann Peebles - I Can't Stand The Rain

5. You can trust him, he's a carthorse... who nobody can remember.

You can trust me, I'm a doctor.

Dray horse.

Dr. Dre - Forgot About Dre

4. Davy and Sonny are off their heads.

Davy & Sonny were Crocketts.

The Crocketts - On Something

3. A constant aide-memoire... no glasses allowed.

I'll be very impressed if anyone got this.

Naked Eyes - There's Always Something There To Remind Me

2. Jarvis's woodchip girl destroys afternoon meal.

Oh Deborah, do you recall?
Your house was very small
With wood chip on the wall
When I came around to call
You didn't notice me at all

Tea is wrecked!

T-Rex - Deborah

1. Informant in painful zipper incident.

Best debut single ever?

Ouch.


See you next Saturday!

My Top Ten Kitty Songs

I was jolted awake  at 5.55 on Christmas morning, not by Sam's excitement over Santa having visited, but by Louise saying, "there's someone downstairs playing Christmas music". With my heart pounding, I got out of bed and crept to the top of the stairs from where I could hear the sad refrain of Judy Garland wishing us a merry Christmas.

With visions of (at best) a burglar with a sick sense of humour or (at worst) a blood-drenched psychopath in a Santa costume, I ventured downstairs to discover...

The kitchen radio on at full blast.

Burglar?

Psychopath?

Poltergeist?

Or hyperactive kitten standing on top of the on button?

As I've already done My Top Ten Kitten Songs, here are ten kitties...


10. Sparks - Here Kitty

Ron & Russell's kitten gets stuck up a juniper tree. Bloody thing.

9. Bee Gees - Kitty Can

From 1969, when the Bee Gees were more like The Monkees. You'll have to watch it to see what I mean.

8. Bobby Darin - Pretty Miss Kitty

The airbrushed side of rock 'n' roll. Still fun.

7. The Pogues - Kitty

The Pogues did Trad. Arr. folk tunes better than most.

6. Presidents of the USA - Kitty

The Presidents are well and truly hacked off with their kitten...

Kitty up and scratch me through my jeans
Fuck you, kitty you're gonna spend the night
Fuck you, kitty you're gonna spend the night
Fuck you, kitty you're gonna spend the night
OUTSIDE!

5. Cat Stevens - Kitty

Cat plans on partying with his Kitty.

4. Racey - Kitty

Yes, Racey.

That'll put the kitten among the pigeons.

You may know this better as the Toni Basil version, Hey Mickey! You may also choose to deny knowledge of either. But I know when you're lying...

3. Laura Cantrell - Kitty Wells Dresses

Cred instantly restored (in some quarters, at least) with a lovely bit of pedal steel and one of John Peel's favourite country singers.

2. Darts - The Boy From New York City

Racey and Darts in the same top ten? I can still irk those musos when I want to.

Sing it after me:

Ooh ahh ooh ahh, cool, cool kitty...

1. Bruce Springsteen - Kitty's Back

Those of you who know about such things will hardly be surprised to find this early Bruce number holding off all challengers at Number One. I song I loved so much, I named the novel I wrote for my English degree (my excuse for a dissertation!) after it. My tutor was scathing... but I scraped at 2:1.

This live version from '78 is amazing...


Any kitties in your collection?

My Top Ten Peach Songs

What could be more wholesome than a nice juicy peach? Unless you're a songwriter...

(Special mention to Peaches, Peaches & Herb and The Moldy Peaches.)

Be warned: not all the peaches in this list will be fruit of the prunus persica tree. Some peaches may have an alternative meaning... remember Nicolas Cage's first time in Wild At Heart? 


10. Smog - Peach Pit

Speaking of which, Bill Callahan does a pretty good job of soundtracking that scene in one minute twenty three seconds of sleaze right here.

9. Beck - Peaches & Cream

There was a time when Beck wanted to be Prince. Here he is making garbagemen scream. My favourite lyric from this song...

You look good in that sweater

And that aluminum crutch
I'm gonna let you down easy
I've got a delicate touch 

Give him a break - aluminium wouldn't have scanned.

8. Rufus Wainwright - Peach Trees

Rufus proves that peaches don't have to be synonymous with rumpy-pumpy: they can also symbolise true love...

7. Merle Haggard - Peach Picking Time Down In Georgia

Merle (extra points for having a first name like Merle) Haggard (extra points for having a surname like Haggard) takes a tour of the southern United States at harvest time... with added self-pity.

When it's peach-picking time in Georgia
Apple-picking time in Tennessee
Cotton-picking time in Mississippi
Everybody picks on me!

6. Handsome Family - Fallen Peaches

Finally got round to watching the first series of True Detective over Christmas. Very happy to see T. Bone Burnett chose a Handsome Family song as the show's theme tune. Experts at the fine art of murder balladry, this one would fit in very well on that show too...

Ahead of me ran Jackson
Who took a bullet to the chest
And beneath the swaying peaches
Jackson slowly bled to death

5. Eels - Peach Blossom

A very sexy song - and video - without any innuendo whatsoever. E really is just opening the window to smell the peach blossom.

4. The Front Bottoms - Peach

With a band called The Front Bottoms, you're probably expecting pure filth from this track. But this is pretty much a love song... albeit one that goes a little vampiric halfway through.

3. The Stranglers - Peaches

In which Hugh Cornwell pops down his local beach to perv it up. Banned by the BBC in the same summer as The Sex Pistols were getting up all our safety-pinned noses with God Save The Queen, it's been claimed that the innuendo of Peaches was a savage critique of macho mores. Which is kind of like having your peach-melba and eating it.

2. Prince - Peach

At least with Prince you don't have to wonder if there's any innuendo going on... the purple one doesn't believe in innuendo. As ever, he's about as subtle as a giraffe.

Her hotpants can't hide her cheeks...

And yet, because it's so very, very funky, we let him get away with it.

1. Presidents of the United States of America - Peaches

The great thing about the Presidents' Peach song is that there's no metaphor here at all (I don't think): this is purely a song about peaches. Except the President of the Presidents, lead singer Chris Ballew, seems a little unclear about where peaches actually come from (i.e. someone puts them in that can, Chris). Worth watching the whole video as the band inexplicably get attacked by ninjas about two-thirds of the way through. When has that ever happened in a Coldplay video?





Which one is your peach cobbler?

My Top Ten Frog Songs

Ten songs to get you hopping around on your lily pad...


Special mentions to Toad The Wet Sprocket, Toadies, and, erm, Froggy Fresh.


10. Presidents of the United States of America - Froggie

Froggie jumped all over the stage that day
Mick Jagger kissin' Froggie's lips 
Studying films of Froggie's hips
His eyes are closed cause he's off in a world of ecstacy
Where Froggie folks get the froggie scene
And Froggie jumped all over the stage that day
Watch him jump!

I wish I'd made those lyrics up. 

9. The Flaming Lips - I Can Be A Frog

The Lips go all Sesame Street.

See also Frogs, which is slightly less kiddy-friendly.

8. Peter Grabriel - Kiss That Frog

I'm not sure how to break this to you, but when Peter asks you to kiss his frog... he isn't talking about a frog. (You may, on further consideration, prefer to kiss an actual frog.)

7. Wynder K. Frog - Dancing Frog

He wasn't actually a frog. Proof of that here.

6. Bruce Springsteen - Froggy Went A' Courtin'

Could this be the oldest song I've ever featured in a Top Ten? According to Bruce, he's traced its origins back to Scotland in 1549. Yeah, almost ten to four!

If you want any more, you can sing it yourself.

5. The Handsome Family - The Song of a Hundred Toads

Look, Toads are frogs.  It says so on allaboutfrogs.org! Don't say I don't do my research.

4. Three Dog Night - Joy To The World

Starring Jeremiah, the wine-drinking bullfrog. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea...

Best thing I know about Three Dog Night? (Only thing I know about Three Dog Night?) Their name derives from an old Aborigine expression about how you keep warm in the desert on really cold nights.

3. Paul McCartney - We All Stand Together

Say what you like about Sir Thumbs Aloft, he knows how to write an annoyingly catchy novelty record.

How can you hate The Frig Chorus? Macca doesn't even sing on it!

2. The Divine Comedy - The Frog Princess

A song full of plot twists, from a very unreliable narrator - Neil Hannon at his best.

You don't really love me
And I don't really mind
'Cos I don't love anybody
That stuff is a just a waste of time...
Your place or mine?

1. Belle & Sebastian - Funny Little Frog

Good news - Stuart Murdoch has found his dream woman! A pity she only exists in his overactive imagination...

You're my picture on the wall.
You're my vision in the hall,
You're the one I'm talking to,
When I get in from my work,
You are my girl, and you don't even know it,
I am living out the life of a poet,
I am the jester in the ancient court,
And you're the funny little frog in my throat.

 Also recorded by B&S side-project God Help The Girl. Also excellent.



Which one makes you want to croak?

My Top Ten Christmas Animal Songs

Christmas isn't just for human people. It's for our furry and feathered friends too. As this youtube video proves.

Here's Ten of my favourite animalistic Christmas offerings...



10. Bjork - The Christmas Cat

The lyrics are in Icelandic, so I have to believe what I read on the internet that this is a song about a legendary moggy that eats badly dressed children over the festive period. Which sounds like an excellent idea to me.

9. Michael Jackson - Rockin' Robin

I'm not linking to the original, I'd much rather you went and listened to this... Rockin' Robin meets Teen Spirit. Class.

8. Presidents of the United States of America - Christmas Piglet

Pretty much gets in on the title alone. Which is a good job, 'cos the song ain't brilliant.

7. Badly Drawn Boy - Donna & Blitzen

Damon Gough's tribute to the world's second and third most famous reindeer.

6. Emmy the Great & Tim Wheeler - Jesus The Reindeer

Meanwhile, Emmy & Tim find a few new reindeer to join Santa's herd...

Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet...

Aries, Chancer, Joey, Chandler... Sancho Panzer, Sarah Palin...

Jesus!

5. Alien Sex Fiend - Stuff The Turkey

This record begins with a spoof Bernard Matthews "Bootiful". And if that's not enough...

Let's make this Christmas
One to remember
Let's stay drunk
From January till December.

Let's face it... there's only one better record about turkey... but it's the kind you have on Boxing Day...

4. John Lennon - Cold Turkey

Not listened to this in years. Forgotten how good it was.

3. Eels - Christmas Is Going To The Dogs

We'd rather have chew toys than yule logs

2. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Can't find this anywhere online to play you, but believe me - if you're a cat lover, it's unbeatable.

Merry Christmas to all the kitties in this town!

I wish you love and lots of tuna juice...

1. The Crystals - Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Inevitable as leftover turkey.



Remember - these songs are for life, not just Christmas. Which one are you taking home from the pound?