Celebrity Jukebox #76: Dennis Locorriere

It's pushing 30° as I write this so I don't have much enthusiasm for a long post - fortunately Alyson has done all the hard work for me. I was sad to learn from her blog that Dr. Hook frontman Dennis Locorriere has joined the heavenly choir last week - there he is, pictured above with the good Doctor himself.

Alyson's tribute was far better than anything I could have written, but I was reminded of two old posts from this blog which might do in lieu of anything fresh...

One Track Mind #3: When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman

Sequel Songs #9: Mrs. Avery

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #6: Remember when 37 was middle-aged?

Rest in peace, Dennis.

Celebrity Jukebox #55: Robert Redford

Distophia - Robert Redford

"He's a regular Robert Redford..."

You've certainly made your mark on the world when your name becomes an idiom, synonymous with charm, charisma and roguish good looks. And when songwriters want a short-cut metaphor for all of the above... Robert Redford is an obvious name-drop.

You're just a Coca Cola cowboy

You got an Eastwood smile and a Robert Redford hair

But you walked across my heart like it was Texas

You taught me how to say I just don't care

Mel Tillis - Coca Cola Cowboy

I don't mean to criticize the girls at all

'Cause I'm no Robert Redford even overhauled

But we all picture in our minds a girl that looks just right

Now ain't it funny, ain't it strange the way a man's opinions change

When he starts to face that lonely night

Mickey Gilley - Don't The Girls All Get Prettier At Closing Time

I could get myself a nose job, I could diet for a year

But I'll never be Robert Redford 'cause I'm much to fond of beer

Please don't misunderstand me, it's not love I'm trying to buy

It's just I got all this here money and I'm a pretty ordinary guy

Dr. Hook - The Millionaire

Now Lord knows you ain't a saint, and Robert Redford you ain't

But you got a heart of gold through and through

And when it comes to lovin', that old, ooh, kissin' and a-huggin'

Ain't nobody else ever gonna do

Reba McEntyre - I Don't Need Nothin' You Ain't Got

That's all right but I wish they'd confuse me 

With somebody like Burt Reynolds or Robert Redford, 

All them guys that really look like me

Red Simpson - My Name Is Simpson

Jean-Paul Belmondo?

Alain Delon? No!

Clint Eastwood? J'ai dit no!

Paul Newman?

Robert Redford? J'ai dit no!

Sparks - Je M'Appelle Russell

Frank Sinatra and a Rolls Royce

A great set of wheels and a golden voice

Robert Redford is the shiniest star on the silver screen

And don't forget about Michelangelo and New York

The biggest apple and the greatest art

They're the very best I've ever seen

Charley Pride - The Best There Is

I get no pleasure when I'm going through the motions of my mediocre day-to-day

I'm just an actor, just like Robert fucking Redford

When I say those stupid words that they expect me to say

Everclear - Misery Whip

She likes me for me

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford

With the charm of Robert Redford

Oozing out my ears

But what she sees

Are my faults and indecisions

My insecure conditions

And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

Blessid Union of Souls - Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me for Me)

You think that love's

What's on that silver screen

Raquel and Redford are the tops

You've been misled

By all those movies you've seen

Al Jarreau - Love Is Real

I'm Redford, you're Newman on the take

You're a 7.6 earthquake

The Donkeys - Don't Know Who We Are

None of those really compare with the greatest ever lyrical reference to Bobby Redford, courtesy of... Lee Majors?!?

I might fall from a tall building

I might roll a brand-new car

'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman

That made Redford such a star

Strangely though, that wasn't the first song which popped into my mind when I heard about the passing of Robert Redford. Although some might argue this is more of a Paul Newman song... still, for me it marks a sunset for Sundance...

Sequel Songs #9: Mrs. Avery

Here's one I've featured on this blog before... but time is tight, so you'll have to excuse me.

The original, of course, is a Shel Silverstein song made famous by Dr. Hook. To steal a chunk from my post on another famous Dr. Hook tune, which mentioned this in passing...

It turns out Sylvia's Mother is a true story too - Shel was in love with a woman called Sylvia Pandolfi, but she ran off with another man and ended up as a curator at the Museo de Arte Carrillo Gil in Mexico City. Shel tried desperately to rekindle that romance, but the only contact he had for Sylvia was her mum, and she wasn't having any of it. Nowadays, she'd probably report him as a stalker. I guess "Please, Mrs. Pandolfi" didn't quite scan, so Avery it was.

Yes, Mrs. Avery made quite the impression on us. So much so that she (or her Namesake... though surely there can be only one true Mrs. Avery) also shows up here...

Who are we to wonder, Mrs Avery

Who are we to wonder about Beverly

Evergreen girl

Beverly

Why did you leave me?

Why did you leave me in 1955?

Nick Nicely - Beverly

And here...

Back home on the street

After 10 at night

Mrs. Avery walks her dog

Checks to see what's going on

She doesn't lock the door

She lives here in good health

You don't hear the horn

When Mrs. Avery walks her dog

Meredith Brooks - My Little Town

And perhaps her final fate is revealed here...

You took me for a drive

And you said how Mrs. Avery died

The chilly golden sky

Seemed not to have been notified

Harrison Lemke - Going To Heaven

David Rotheray, former songwriting partner of Paul Heaton in The Beautiful South, produced a whole album worth of "answer songs" back in 2013, including this...

David Rotheray - Mrs Avery's Song (feat. Jackie Oates)

...though I have to confess, I'm not sure if there's any connection to the original there. More appropriate is this...

David Rotheray - Sylvia's Song (feat. Bella Hardy)

Likewise, I can't make out any direct continuation of the story here...

John Watt - Mrs. Avery

Our best hope for an official sequel to Sylvia's Mother comes from The Men They Couldn't Hang, on their 2009 album Devil On The Wind. Here, Mrs. Avery has to deal with the young man who kept pestering her over the phone in the original song. He's now camped out in her garden, bemoaning the disappearance of Sylvia, so Mrs. A has to call his dad to come sort him out... I'm not quite sure how she reacts when dad then puts the moves on her. But let's be charitable and hope for some kind of happy ending...

One Track Mind #3: When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman

(Don't even start me on the unforgivable "Your" / "You're" confusion.)

Can a bawdy joke spoil a great song?

This is the question I ask myself whenever I hear Dr. Hook's biggest hit. Because it's a great song - if you like that sort of thing, obviously, and growing up with Radio 2, I grew to love it - but the hokey pun innuendo soon outlived its welcome.

I was pretty certain I knew who wrote this song - but it turns out I was wrong. I was sure it must be another Shel Silverstein composition, given Shel wrote a number of Hook's hits, including their very best song...

Now that's a classic. Even if you don't care for Dr. Hook's particular brand of laid-back country pop, you have to at least appreciate the way Silverstein's desperate lyric is perfectly matched to Dennis Locorriere's plaintive vocals. I swear when he sings, "Please, Mrs. Avery," I feel his yearning right down to the tips of my toes. What a performance. 

And it turns out Sylvia's Mother is a true story too - Shel was in love with a woman called Sylvia Pandolfi, but she ran off with another man and ended up as a curator at the Museo de Arte Carrillo Gil in Mexico City. Shel tried desperately to rekindle that romance, but the only contact he had for Sylvia was her mum, and she wasn't having any of it. Nowadays, she'd probably report him as a stalker. I guess "Please, Mrs. Pandolfi" didn't quite scan, so Avery it was. And Mrs. Avery became such a famous figure, she even inspired a sequel song from The Men They Couldn't Hang...

The Men They Couldn't Hang - Mrs. Avery

But I'm not here to write about Sylvia's Mother, am I? Let's get back to the song in question. The reason I figured When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman was a Shel Silverstein composition is that Shel was known for being a funny guy. As well as being able to break our hearts with songs like Sylvia's Mother and The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan, Shel wasn't afraid to write a song with a sense of humour. Like these...

Johnny Cash - A Boy Named Sue

Bobby Bare - The Winner

Loretta Lynn - Hey Loretta

You've got to admire the nerve of a man who can rhyme Loretta with Irish Setter, and then get Loretta Lynn to sing it. Silverstein was also responsible for another witty Dr. Hook hit, although it's one I have mixed feelings about...

Dr. Hook - The Cover Of The Rolling Stone

Now the problem with this tune is the way the Hooksters laugh at their own jokes (or at Silverstein's jokes, anyway) as they sing them. Ironically, ...Rolling Stone is one of their only songs to feature Dr. Hook himself, Ray Sawyer, on lead vocals. Maybe that's part of the problem. Much as I wish to argue in favour of humour in pop songs, I have a problem with people who laugh at their own jokes. Now I've no problem with people laughing in songs, otherwise I wouldn't love this...

Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody

You hear Whitney giggling away (around 3'57" if you're in a rush) and you can tell she's genuinely having a good time. She's enjoying herself and having fun. The laughter is natural. Similarly, one of my favourite tracks by this up and coming pop hopeful...

Taylor Swift - Hey Stephen

Hey Stephen is a great "why are you wasting your time with those vain cheerleaders when I'm right here?" song, made even better by the line...

All those other girls, well, they're beautiful

But would they write a song for you? 

The little chuckle Taylor gives after delivering those lines (approx. 2'50", busy folk) is priceless. And again, it feels genuine. Not so the self-congratulatory laughter in The Cover Of The Rolling Stone. I wish they'd played that song a little straighter. Or got Locorriere to sing it.

All of which brings us back to When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman (It's Hard), which I'm still surprised to learn wasn't written by Shel... except, maybe not so surprised the more I think of it, because Shel was classier than that. Further warning bells sound when you discover the song was actually written by Even Stevens. No, no Evan. Even. 

Stevens - real first names Bruce Noel - is a man who appears to love a good pun. He's clearly got a sense of humour, as demonstrated below...

Even Stevens - She's In A Toothpaste Commercial

Even Stevens & Sherry Grooms - The King Of Country Music Meets The Queen Of Rock & Roll

...although, hang on, they were both written by Shel Silverstein too. Clearly Even Stevens' own songwriting was influenced by Shel... but I can't help but think Shel would have stopped short of the innuendo that upends When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, a sleazy 70s sexual allusion that's only "bettered" by this...

The Bellamy Brothers - If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

That one was written by David Bellamy himself. Well, gwapple me gwapenuts!

Not that David Bellamy, obviously. I might look more kindly on it if it was. To be fair, at least innuendo is the whole point of If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body... there's not a better song trapped underneath, begging for your respect. It is what is is and seems quite happy that way. 

My contention then is that When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman is a great song - especially the bridge, which is as heartfelt as anything Dennis Locorriere ever sang...

Maybe it's just an ego problem, problem is I've been fooled before

By fair-weathered friends and faint-hearted lovers

And every time it happens it just convinces me more

That's the bit I love. The bit that keeps me coming back to listen to this track again and again, the bit that gets me past the embarrassment of the smutty innuendo. (I particularly struggle with the "You know it's hard, you know it gets so hard" call-back - yeah, we get it, Even. No need to belt us over the head with it!)

Legend has it that Even Stevens followed Dr. Hook's manager into the studio bathroom to pitch this song. That says it all, really. If only he'd showed a little restraint... When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, It's Tough would have been much better, in my opinion. Or did this song only get to the top of the charts in the UK because of the lowest common denominator sales? If so, I hope Even Stevens sleeps soundly on his mattress stuffed with money, safe in the knowledge that he was one word away from writing a classic...

Snapshots #314: A Top Ten Carrie Songs

The late, great Carrie Fisher introduces our Top Ten Carrie songs. Yesterday's image of Sissy Spacek would have been an extra clue for anyone who remembers her break-out performance.

Let's Carrie on with the songs...

10. How I wish we were still together.

Don't get me started on Brexit.

Europe - Carrie

Don't dance with your hands in your pockets, Joey.

9. One's highest degree of enemy.

A doctorate is the highest degree you can get a university. 

This week's Number One was the Peter Pan of Pop. 

Peter Pan's enemy was Captain Hook.

Dr. Hook - Carry Me, Carrie

8. A river runs through it.

Rivers run through valleys.

Frankie Valli - Carrie (I Would Marry You)

I presume this was a few years after he carried her books from school.

7. Daddy sang bass.

Her Daddy was Johnny Cash. 

Roseanne Cash - Carrie

A lullaby for her third daughter, Carrie.

6. Hunter, Wood, Valance.

Holly Hunter, Hollywood, Holly Valance...

The Hollies - Carrie Anne

5. Don't you cry for me.

No, it's not Argentina.

Oh Susanna, don't you cry for me...

Although Ms. Ungerleider no longer records under that name, since she delved into the controversial history of the old deep south song. 

Oh Susanna - Carrie Lee

4. Shuddering river goddess.

Styx was both a goddess of the underworld and a river into it. It translates as "shuddering".

Styx - Carrie Anne

3. What's up? Is a pompom useful to find the answer in?

What's up, doc?

Is a pompom useful?

Doc Pomus - Work, Little Carrie

2. Jeans, vests, fun!

Anagram!

Sufjan Stevens - Carrie & Lowell

1. Never grew up. 

It's the Peter Pan of Pop!

Cliff Richard - Carrie

Another song that reminds me of my childhood. Thanks, Tel.

Carrie yourself back here next Saturday for more of the same...

Memory Mixtape #24: A Telephone Call From My Childhood

Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time
I'm living in twilight

Electric Light Orchestra - Telephone Line

I've been re-reading The Shining by Stephen King recently. Two reasons for this. One, the last couple of modern novels I've read have left me underwhelmed and frustrated. Two, Louise keeps saying, "you have all these old books on the shelves that you never read," and I needed a little more evidence to back up my claims that, "I'll read them again someday". Otherwise: charity shop.

Anyway, I like reading books set in the world of my childhood. A pre-internet, pre-covid, pre-modern day bullshit world... simpler times. The Shining was first published in 1977, when I was 5, a world where a telephone in your home was apparently something of a luxury...

Wendy had insisted on a phone in spite of their unraveling finances. She had argued that with a small child - especially a boy like Danny, who sometimes suffered from fainting spells - they couldn't afford not to have one. So Jack had forked over the thirty-dollar installation fee, bad enough, and a ninety-dollar security deposit, which really hurt. And so far the phone had been mute, except for two wrong numbers.

I'm not sure when my parents got their first telephone installed, but it was there on the wall between the kitchen and the living room throughout my childhood. I remember standing there, when I could reach it, and rotary dialling the numbers... then waiting for a friend's mum to answer. "Hi Mrs. Brook. Is Liam in? Can he come to the phone?"

Of course, the alternative was the good old-fashioned phone box, recently celebrated in John's August Photo Challenge.

Now he dialed the operator and she told him that for a dollar eighty-five he could be put in touch with Al two thousand miles away for three minutes. Time is relative, baby, he thought, and stuck in eight quarters. Faintly he could hear the electronic boops and beeps of his connection sniffling its way eastward.

We take so much for granted these days. A lot of people don't even bother with a home phone anymore, and to be honest, the only time I take a call on ours is when Louise has taken Sam out and she's calling to tell me to put the tea on.

I remember explaining to a bunch of phone-addicted students a few years back that we never even had mobiles when I was a kid. A look of genuine panic crept over their faces.

"But what if you were at school and your mum needed to speak to you urgently?"

"Well, I guess she'd call the school office and someone would come down to pass a message on," I replied... but I couldn't think of any occasion when such a thing had been necessary. Nothing was so urgent that it couldn't wait a few hours back then.

"Or what about if you were meeting up with some mates in town?"

"Well, you'd arrange a time and a place and..."

"But what if they were late?"

"Then you'd wait. And if they still didn't show up, I guess you'd go home and call them later."

Here are some more songs about the telephones of our youth...

Billy Fury - Phone Call

Eddie & The Hotrods - Strangers On The Payphone

Foreigner - Love On The Telephone

If you still want more, there's another great mix of Telephone Tunes over at The Dude's Place this month.

Saturday Snapshots #179: A Top Ten Million Songs

Who better to illustrate our TOP TEN MILLION SONGS than the Six Million Dollar Man himself? You know if they remade that today, he'd probably have to be a Six Billion Dollar Man? Six Million probably wouldn't even buy him a bionic leg.

Lee Majors, ladies and gentleman... the American Dennis Waterman.

Now onto the answers. Blame Lynchie if they were too hard this week. He said last week's were too easy!

10. Pow!

Take THAT!

I make no apologies for featuring Take That here. As boy bands go, they have at least three decent songs. Yes, Gary Barlow is a twonk, but Robbie makes up for that.

Take That - A Million Love Songs

9. Too much steak can clog the arteries - not sensible!

It's not Captain Sensible who's risking his heart over beef!

Captain Beefheart - Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles

8. Mixed up male tit.

Mix up "male tit" and you get...

Mattiel - Millionaire

7. Gym shoes.

The Plimsouls - A Million Miles Away

6. Pull any string to unravel.

"Pull any" twisted up leaves you with...

Lyn Paul - It Ought To Sell A Million

See - Take That wasn't the worst song this week! They both share a groovy saxophone though.

5. Story time in the oasis.

Rory, Rory, tell a story to the Gallaghers...

Rory Gallagher - A Million Miles Away

4. How Tony put out his candles.

With a (Tony) Curtis blow...

Kurtis Blow - 8 Million Stories

3. Crocodile hating physician.

Dr. Hook - The Millionaire

2. Drabber artisans are not on for this ape!

"Drabber artisans" was an anagram. 

A gibbon is an ape... but this gibbon is not on, so it's just a Gibb.

Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb - Guilty (One In A Million)

The version in my music library has brackets. I don't know why, because most of the time the title is just Guilty, no brackets. The Human Nature cover has brackets though, if you're interested. You shouldn't be, because it's awful.

1. He's pretty good at this quiz.

The gentleman above is Ken Sweeney. He was the lead singer of a band called... Brian!

(I did want this clue to involve Mrs. Brian, but that would have been too obvious.)

Join me again next week for more of the unknown snapshots that make Saturday such a star...

Hot 100 #37

Back after exam-related delays, we turn to Number 37 on our countdown, illustrated by an album cover that will throw the fear of god into many of our resident musos, but I couldn't find any decent bands with 37 in their names, so sorry about that. Here's the title track from the above album, along with a choice selection of the lyrics... which may well have me agreeing with the musos for once.

Train - California 37

It's all good 'cos I'm happy as a flea

On a mountain of dogs, you see

Sting would be jealous.

Onto your suggestions for #37, and Martin set the ball rolling this week...

How about We Do What We're Told (Milgram's 37) from So by Peter Gabriel?

Or, very different, 37 by DEVO, lamenting someone's enviably low IQ?

Perhaps 37 Push-Ups by Smog? I can only find this ropey live cover version, but you get the idea...

Lyrically, Femme Fatale by The Velvet Underground has the line You're put down in her book, you're number 37, have a look.

And, er, Volvo Cowgirl by Sheryl Crow has a line along the lines of 37 million's what Larry Parker got me...

Nearly forgot 37 Hours by Kristin Hersh.

That's enough, isn't it? More than I thought.

Can't complain about any of those, Martin. Peter Gabriel & Smog were both in consideration here.

(Rigid Digit seconded a couple of those.)

Lynchie was up next...

Ricky Nelson - Ain't Nothin' But Love

When you kiss her goodnight 37 times
That ain't nothin' but love

It might also be a bit annoying, Ricky... especially if she just wants to get in the house and watch Celebrity Love Island. Have some consideration, sir.

Jim in Dubai was next to arrive, with two very strong contenders from my own record collection...

The Beautiful South - Straight in at 37

Well, Simon le Bon stayed round my house before
And he was sick on the plants and he was sick on the floor
And he wouldn't go home until he'd sung his song
With a backing harmony from Paul Young

Grandaddy - Aisle Seat 37 D

Finally, in what proved to be rather a tough week, Alyson offered...

Tim McGraw - Number 37405

...to which I may as well respond with...

Squeeze - 853-5937

A couple more that were thrown up by my own hard-drive...

Car Seat Headrest - 1937 State Park

Jonny Cola & The A-Grades - Hideaway 37

However, I think we're all in agreement over what this week's winning song should be... even if there's some debate over which version is best. Lynchie recommended the Dr. Hook original while Charity Chic and Alyson preferred the Marianne Faithful cover. Alyson was correct in spotting that the track in question has already featured on this blog as one of my old Mid-Life Crisis Songs.

Here's both versions so you can decide amongst yourselves...



Three dozen next week. Suggestions, please!

Saturday Snapshots #81 - The Answers

(Steady on ladies Part 2. Etc.)

Welcome, Planet Earth, I know you're Hungry Like The Wold for this week's answers... ahem, I honestly didn't set out to make this Duran Duran weekend on Saturday Snapshots, but when I found photos of both Simon Le Bon Bon and Nick Toady Rhodes with cameras, I thought I may as well get them both out of the way in the same weekend rather than inflicting them on you two weeks running.

Suppress your gag Reflex... here come the answers. It was neck and neck yesterday morning between Walter and Rigid Digit - I think RD just scooped the prize.


10. Wake up feeling tearful, with two spoonfuls of sugar.

This is just one of those things you put down to experience...

Sweet Sensation - Sad Sweet Dreamer

9. Nodding off listening to Johnny & June, after sucking blood at Ascot.

Johnny & June sang Jackson, right?

The Sleepy Jackson - Vampire Racecourse

8. No STDs in South Yorkshire? An admiral approach.

Apologies to Phyllis for adding SY to her name to make an awful pun. Sometimes they're just too good to resist though.

Admiral Nelson is moving closer...

Phyllis Nelson - Move Closer

That's one I remember having to play quite a lot on The Love Zone!

7. Conductor of P.E.

Tough one if you didn't know it... which I guess a lot of people don't. Pretty straightforward clue if you do know the artist though... well done to Lynchie for the late save!

Lightning Rod - Sport

Top tune!

6. Deluding yourself over an oriental emergency.

China Crisis - Wishful Thinking

5. Monarchs of the Men's Room meet a poisonous lady.

Kings of Convenience - Toxic Girl

4. Inching tariff finds romance at the corner shop.

Inching tariff was an anagram.

Nanci Griffith - Love At The Five & Dime

3. Scary TV leads to lack of consciousness.

Ooh-wop, bop ba... I used to love this one!

Terrorvision - Oblivion

2. Kula shaken when Leonard's lady meets Lyra's star.

Leonard Cohen sang about Suzanne.

Lyra is a constellation which contains one of the brightest stars in the night sky. That star is called Vega.

Shake up Kula and you get...

Suzanne Vega - Luka

1. Neverland Captain receives PhD from Ted Hughes' mum-in-law.

Captain Hook gets a doctorate?

Ted Hughes was married to Sylvia Plath, so his mum-in-law would be...

There may be a New Moon On Monday, but the new Snapshots will be next Saturday. Until then, enjoy your Ordinary World and try not to Come Undone...

My Top 90 Mid-Life Crisis Songs #6: Remember when 37 was middle-aged?

At the age of 37
She realised she'd never ride
Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair

The chorus of Dr. Hook's The Ballad of Lucy Jordon (sic) is surely one of the saddest collection of words ever set to music. The song was written by poet and country songwriter Shel Silverstein, telling of a tired and jaded housewife who puts her husband and kids ahead of her own freedom and happiness... to the point that she's either driven insane... or to suicide, depending on your reading of the song's final lines.

One person who thought Lucy ended up in the loony bin was Marianne Faithful, who covered the song in the late 70s. You may prefer her version, but for me it's too much a product of its time and the tinny synths spoil Faithful's otherwise powerful vocal performance. (That said, I prefer the heartbreak in Dennis Locorriere's own vocal... that guy always sounded like he was on the verge of a breakdown, even when he was trying to get Sylvia's mother to persuade her daughter to take his call.)

6. Dr. Hook - The Ballad of Lucy Jordon

This is a song about realising that your best years are behind you, and in the 70s, that came at age 37, apparently.

What's the new 37 then...?

My Top Ten Lonely Night Songs

Night-time is the loneliest time... especially if you're a songwriter.

This was a really tough one to put in order.


10. The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

When Gibbard's girlfriend moved out, to a whole different district of Washington, this was his response.

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key, explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

Covered by lots of people, though obviously I prefer Frank Turner's version. 

9. James Taylor - Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight

James Taylor made this sort of thing look really easy.

The Isley Brothers did an excellent cover too.

8. Blake Shelton feat. Ashley Monroe - Lonely Tonight

Glossy and as shamelessly bling as the worst of contemporary r 'n' b, it's hard to explain why I dig the poppiest artist in modern country music as much as I do. This one's an outrageously schmaltzy power ballad that harkens back to the 80s (with 21st Century production values) and, frankly, the video made me choke on my Wotsits. But Blake Shelton can do no wrong in my eyes, because he writes pop songs that are catchy as the plague and TELL ACTUAL STORIES. I have no further defence.

7. Dr. Hook - I Don't Want To Be Alone Tonight

Tells basically the same story as the Blake Shelton number, but without the glitz. You see, you can't really believe Blake Shelton would be the guy in this story. Dennis Locorriere, though? He's a true hard-luck hero.

6. Harry Chapin - There's a Lot of Lonely People Tonight

Every time I think there might be a little justice in the world, I remind myself of Harry Chapin: a supremely talented singer-songwriter from the 70s who should have been as big as Elton John or Billy Joel, but for whatever reason never quite made it. (The same could be same of Harry Nilsson. Maybe there's a curse on Harry's. Maybe Cliff was right to change his name.) There's A Lot Of Lonely People Tonight is from the excellent album Short Stories, and while it's nowhere near the best track on there, it's still beautiful. There's a fragility to Chapin's work you don't find elsewhere. You feel like he's lived these stories, every one of them. 

5. Justin Townes Earle - Am I That Lonely Tonight?

Top Charity Shop Buy of the week, the 2012 album Nothing's Gonna Change the Way You Feel About Me Now by Steve Earle's son, Justin (his middle name is a tribute to legendary country singer Townes Van Zandt). Excellent acoustic Americana that reminds me very much of Ryan Adams' debut (and best) album, Heartbreaker. The CD cost me 75p, but I'll definitely be buying more of this artist's work in the future. If I ever have any money again.

4. Richard Hawley - Lonely Night

Nobody else does loneliness like Sheffield's answer to Roy Orbison. This is from his first full-length album, released in 2001... though it could just as easily have been released in 1957. 

3. Elvis Presley - Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Originally written in 1927, and recorded many times before The King got his hands on it, Are You Lonesome Tonight? was a huge hit in 1960... but is arguably remembered more for the live version recorded in Vegas in '68 where Elvis cracks up laughing and can't make it through the song.

2. John Cougar Mellencamp - Lonely Ol' Night

A single from probably my favourite Mellencamp album, 1985's Scarecrow, this was apparently inspired by the Paul Newman film Hud. Apparently, the wife of one of JM's pals told him not to feature "pretty girls" in the video as it wouldn't be realistic to suggest they had lonely nights. Mellencamp responded by offering her a role. She accepted, and played his girlfriend.

She calls me baby
She calls everybody baby
It's a lonely ol' night
But ain't they all?

Now. Is it a better song than Elvis's masterpiece? Definitely not. But it means a little bit more to me - and that's what this blog is all about.

1. Paul McCartney - No More Lonely Nights

Well, here's a first. As previously mentioned, I have a kind of love/hate relationship with Sir Paulius Thumbs-Aloft, and though I respect all he's given us... sometimes, he doesn't half get on my wick. No More Lonely Nights - a majestically schmaltzy slice of 80s balladeering that Collins would have given his right drumstick for - really ought to be awful. You may well argue that it is. And yet, I have a huge fondness for it, from the shiver-inducing a cappella intro to the Dave friggin' Gilmour guitar solo at the end. Plus, if you read between the lines, it's as good a stalker anthem as Every Breath You Take...

And I won't go away until you tell me so
No, I'll never go away...

The video, which begins with a long sequence in which Macca plays some kind of lonely but jolly Clive Dunn character working the nightshift as a projectionist in a low rent cinema... before jumping into a Victorian dream sequence in which Ringo goes over a waterfall in a rowing boat (and then things get really weird)... almost made me bump it down to #2. (Although it's not as bad as the video to One Lonely Night by REO Speedwagon, which was SO bad it got them disqualified from this whole Top Ten.)




Hopefully, those ten songs made you feel a little less lonely tonight...

My Top Ten 'The Ballad of...' Songs

I was astounded by how many songs in my record collection are Ballads of... somebody or other. I reckon I could have stretched this to a Top 50 if I'd had the time. These were the best ballads of the bunch...



10. Georgie Fame - The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde

One day, I might get around to compiling a Top Ten Bonnie & Clyde Songs... amazingly, this 1967 Georgie Fame Number One might not make it to the top of that list.

9. Frank Turner - The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Friendship is a recurring theme in Frank Turner's work and he writes about it in a very open, honest and emotional way. It seems most of Frank's friends are tortured artists...

Everybody's got themselves a plan,
Everybody thinks they'll be the man, including the girls.
The musicians who lack the friends to form a band are singer-songwriters,
The rest of us are DJs or official club photographers.
And tonight I'm playing another Nambucca show,
So I'm going through my phonebook, texting everyone I know,
And I quite a few I don't, whose numbers found their way into my phone,
But they might come along anyway, you never really know.

However, while most of them might never reach their intended destination... they're definitely enjoying the journey.

We're going nowhere slowly, but we're seeing all the sights.
And we're definitely going to hell,
But we'll have all the best stories to tell.

8. The Mystery Jets - The Ballad of Emmerson Lonestar

From my favourite album of 2012... we must be about ready for a new Mystery Jets record now. Come on, lads, don't keep us waiting much longer.

7. Dr. Hook  - The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan

Or ...Lucy Jordon, as the record was originally released. This week's song about growing old... as I've said previously, I listen to a lot of those these days.

At the age of thirty-seven she realised she'd never
Ride through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing and she sat there softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she'd memorised in her daddy's easy chair.

There's a splendid cover version by Marianne Faithfull, but I still prefer Dennis Locorriere's vocals on the original.

6. Bloodhound Gang - The Ballad of Chasey Lain

I'll let you google Chasey Lain if you're unfamiliar with her ouvre... but perhaps don't do that at work. 

Juvenile in the extreme, as all the best Bloodhound Gang records are. If you're easily offended or don't have the mind of a puerile 14 year old boy, skip along to the next song.

5. The Beatles - The Ballad of John and Yoko

One of the first John Lennon solo records, in all but name. George and Ringo were both absent from the session and although Macca filled in for them on bass, drums and piano, and shared the songwriting credit with John as always, he had little else to do with the song's creation.

Denied as much airplay as other Beatles records due to its references to Jesus and crucifixion (Lennon further developing his earlier "more popular than Jesus" comparison) it still made the top spot on the UK charts, although it did prove to be their final Number One, and marked the beginning of the end for the group.

4. XTC - The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead

Andy Partridge's infamous JFK/Malcolm X/Jesus allegory about a man just too damned virtuous to survive in high office.

But he made too many enemies
Of the people who would keep us on our knees

3. Jim's Big Ego - The Ballad Of Barry Allen

One for the geek vote, this obscure American indie song is a tribute to the DC Comics hero The Flash (soon to star in his own TV show... I hope it's better than Arrow). Gets to the targic heart of the character in a way the comics long since stopped bothering.

2. Space & Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones

It's a credit to 1998 that a creepy, John Barry-esque tribute to the Welsh crooner, a bizarre anti-love song duet with a chorus like this...

You stopped us from killing each other
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
You'll never know but you saved our lives
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
I've never thrown my knickers at you
And I don't come from Wales

...could make number 4 in the charts. It's been years since I listened to this - blimey, I'd forgotten how good it was.

1. Todd Snider - The Ballad Of The Kingsmen

Todd Snider tells the true story of The Kingsmen, the 60s garage band responsible for the huge one hit wonder 'Louie Louie', a record that ended up being investigated by the FBI for its supposedly obscene (but really just plain unintelligible) lyrics. From there he goes on to wonder whether Marilyn Manson records were really responsible for the Columbine massacre... and why we keep blaming our failings as a society on dumb (yet ultimately harmless) pop songs. Brilliant stuff.





Those were my best ballads... but which one makes you go Aye-yi-yi-yi?

My Top Ten Songs About (The) Rolling Stones

As Mick Jagger turns 70 (and I already did My Top Ten Rolling Stones Songs), here's ten songs about Rolling Stones... and Stones that Roll.

Happy birthday, Mick!


10. Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera - Move Like Jagger

Don't expect either Maroon 5 or Christina Aguilera to be making regular appearances on this blog, but as it's Mick's birthday and he apparently finds this track "very flattering", I pretty much had to give it  spin.

I actually used this in my class to demonstrate the use of simile in pop song.

9. Tim Hardin - Rolling Stone

The only song on this list that officially doesn't gather any moss.

8. The Verve - The Rolling People

A slight cheat, but The Verve were famously sued by Andrew Loog Oldham for sampling his cover of The Last Time (by The Stones) on Bittersweet Symphony with the credits on that track being forcibly changed to Jagger / Richards / Ashcroft and 100% of the royalties ending up with Mick 'n' Keef.

The Rolling People comes from the same album, and presumably was written and recorded before all that kicked off. It still sounds pretty cool...

7. Cloud Control - The Rolling Stones

This song by Australia's Cloud Control has very little to do with Mick 'n' Keef, but it is quite lovely.

6. Dr. Hook - Cover of the Rolling Stone

About the magazine, not the band, obviously.

I got a freaky old lady name o' Cocaine Kitty who embroiders on my jeans
I got my poor ol' grey haired daddy, drivin' my limousine
Now it's all designed to blow our minds but our minds won't really be blown
Like the blow that'll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of The Rolling Stone

Worth checking out Poison's cover version too... if you're a glutton for hair metal punishment (as I am).
5. Mott The Hoople - Roll Away The Stone

Ian Hunter gets born again. Top guitar and sha-la-las.

4. Carly Simon - You're So Vain

There is great debate over who this song is actually about... and Mick Jagger is only one of many suspects (Warren Beatty, David Geffen and Nick Nolte are also likely candidates). Whether Mick is the vain one (he probably thinks this song is about him), he did sing backing vocals on Carly's biggest hit... and it's too good a song not to include here. Amazing lyrics...

3. The House Of Love -  The Beatles & The Stones

 If I ever get round to doing a Top Ten Songs About The Beatles... expect this to make a return appearance.

The Beatles and the Stones
Sucked the marrow out of bone
Put the V in Vietnam
The Beatles and the Stones
Made it good to be alone
To be alone

2. Bob Dylan - Like A Rolling Stone

Ooh... controversial. Hands up if you thought this would be Number One?

How does it feel...?

1. The Temptations - Papa Was A Rolling Stone

Better than Dylan? I'll leave that to the musos to argue over. For me, this is the Temps finest hour, one of the greatest basslines in the history of pop, and the intro alone gets it to the top spot.




Which one would you dedicate to the birthday boy?

My Top Ten Operator Songs

Many, many years ago, when they had such things, my mum used to be a switchboard operator. The stories she could tell about the things she heard! Do we even still have operators? I can't imagine too many people dedicating a song to a pre-recorded "virtual switchboard". Press one for "the romance is dead".

Special mention to Operator Please, the band who recorded the amazing Just A Song About Ping Pong and The Operator by The Coral, which is actually about getting kidnapped and operated on by a bunch of psycho surgeons. Or something.


10. Gladys Knight & The Pips - Operator

As if calling her boyfriend to apologise for all the bad things she's done wasn't enough of a chore... poor Gladys has to go through the operator too!

9. Pete Shelley - Telephone Operator

Ever fallen in love with a video you shouldn't have?

Wikipedia informs me that if you play the arcade game Dance Dance Revolution, you get to dance to this song... in an arcade. Glad I don't believe anything I read on wikipedia.

8. Talking Heads - Dream Operator

Probably has nothing to do with making a telephone call... though you can never be sure with David Byrne. Still: quite lovely.

7. Nick Lowe - Switchboard Susan

How many telephone puns / innuendos can one songwriter squeeze into one song?

When I'm near you girl, I get an extension
And I don't mean Alexander Graham Bell's invention

6. Jim Croce - Operator (That's Not The Way It Feels)

Or, if Jim's moustache is too much for you, can I recommend the rather fine Jesse Malin cover version?

5. Chuck Berry - Memphis, Tennessee

I make no apologies for the fact that this was already featured in my Top Ten Memphis Songs. It's a stone cold classic.

4.  The Rah Band - Clouds Across The Moon

In space, the intergalactic operator can't hear you scream.

If the future really looks like the Rah Band imagined it would in this video, I'll want my money back.

Never mind. I'll try again... next year... next year... next year...

3. The White Stripes - Hello, Operator

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Jack White's phone still had an operator. He probably refuses to use any of them new-fangled ones.

2. Dr. Hook - Sylvia's Mother

Dennis keeps trying to get through to Sylvia. Her mother just wants him to leave her alone. The operator keeps demanding "forty cents more" to continue the conversation "for the next three minutes".

1. Tom Waits - Martha

I almost gave this one to Dr. Hook, which would have been suitably anti-cool of me. But then I remembered
this...

Operator, number please
It´s been so many years
And she´ll remember my old voice
While I fight the tears
Hello, hello there, is this Martha ?
This is old Tom Frost
And I am calling long distance
Don´t worry ´bout the cost...

Tom Waits sounds like a weary old man on this recording. The scary / crazy thing is, he was 24 years old when it was released...



Those are the songs that get me calling the operator - but which one would be your hold music of choice?